AC Benus Posted January 29, 2016 Author Share Posted January 29, 2016 Pictures write in detailed painted fiction, speaking with the artist's subtle diction like unto the pencil fingered writer sketching shadows where the light was brighter when the sun was pouring in the dormer; colored cold although the room felt warmer. Scattered, spattered, brushtrokes cannot capture songs of pleasured silken summer rapture; neither does the canvas make betrayal hearing those once joined in bitter quarrel. I like this poem a lot! There is such a beautiful picture being painted by sunlight peeping through the window. The use of really fine metre and the couplets makes me think of Alexander Pope. For example, "Now give thy Hand; for to the farther Shore When once we pass, the Soul returns no more." Link to comment
Parker Owens Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Parker, I think the new options are introducing a note of whimsy that may hurt the otherwise noble tone of your poem. Betrayal is a strong word; did you consider a reworked of the last line using some of these rhymes ? I like the strength of quarrel too, but besides ensnarl/unsnarl, there may not be many suitable options. Well, you're right about the first option being whimsical. Couldn't resist. And I agree that dissension doesn't have the same strength as quarrel, or betrayal. 'Quarrel' has me over a barrel, so to speak. So. back to the drawing board I go. Thanks very much for the link - it takes me to a different rhyming dictionary to the one I usually use. 1 Link to comment
Parker Owens Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Is this better? neither does the canvas make betrayal / of the once joined each to each assail. 2 Link to comment
Aditus Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 What about derail? Something like neither does the canvas make betrayal / hearing those once joined (now) utterly derail. The 'now' is one too much, but it sounds off otherwise. Or maybe not. 1 Link to comment
Parker Owens Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Not sure I like derail as much as assail. But we're all having fun with this, right? 2 Link to comment
Mikiesboy Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 I got a nice surprise today ... here 3 Link to comment
Aditus Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Not sure I like derail as much as assail. But we're all having fun with this, right? Yep. You're the boss. Somehow I like the word per se, maybe with a face like this? Anyway, maybe not here. I got a nice surprise today ... here Congrats! Link to comment
Parker Owens Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 I got a nice surprise today ... here Congratulations! Link to comment
Headstall Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 I got a nice surprise today ... here Congrats, tim. It deserves to be highlighted!! Link to comment
Mikiesboy Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Congrats, tim. It deserves to be highlighted!! likeless.. argh. but thank you Gary!!! Congratulations! thanks Parker! It was a nice surprise.. Congrats! thanks adi.. I'm outta likes, as usual Link to comment
Roberto Zuniga Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Hi and Welcome! This is an open thread, intended for poets to help one another on GA. It's not tied to any one piece, but a forum where we can exchange ideas, get feedback on a project we're intending to post, or one that's already up. Questions and advice are always welcomed, so don't be shy about stopping by now and again to say 'hey.' Hey guys! I've uploaded a new translation from one of my old poems. Hope it's not too cheesy! Check it out here 2 Link to comment
Mikiesboy Posted January 29, 2016 Share Posted January 29, 2016 Hey guys! I've uploaded a new translation from one of my old poems. Hope it's not too cheesy! Check it out here I loved it.. it is sweet and romantic .. outta likes... 1 Link to comment
Emi GS Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 I got a nice surprise today ... here Congrats Tim2... Link to comment
Emi GS Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 Hey guys! I've uploaded a new translation from one of my old poems. Hope it's not too cheesy! Check it out here It is so Nice and Beautiful Robby, I liked it... 1 Link to comment
Emi GS Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 (edited) Hello guys, I am back again with a silly poem I tried to write a Haiku. As You all know I had already written one that hasn't given any satisfactory peace for me. So I craved to write more. Now I am giving you guys another Haiku to judge in the name suggestions, modifications and replies. I hope everyone will attempt to give some suggestion, as always. As speed as shadow, so fear and some winter's cold; the doe that night ride. Waiting... Edited January 30, 2016 by The Eminent MGK 2 Link to comment
Parker Owens Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 As speed as shadow,so fear and some winter's cold;the doe that night ride. I like the images you evoke - a doe riding the night (deer are surely dusk and nocturnal creatures), spurred on by fear and cold. I only have to imagine snow and moonlight. You don't have to write that in at all. I might substitute 'fast' for 'speed,' and 'rides' for 'ride.' The former makes clearer what I think you mean, and the latter is just a grammatical bugaboo. Awesome vision, Emi. 1 Link to comment
Emi GS Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 As speed as shadow, so fear and some winter's cold; the doe that night ride. I like the images you evoke - a doe riding the night (deer are surely dusk and nocturnal creatures), spurred on by fear and cold. I only have to imagine snow and moonlight. You don't have to write that in at all. I might substitute 'fast' for 'speed,' and 'rides' for 'ride.' The former makes clearer what I think you mean, and the latter is just a grammatical bugaboo. Awesome vision, Emi. Thank you for pretty understanding and compliments given. And nice suggestion you given here regarding to it. I am definitely gonna consider those. They are gonna be a big help for me... Once again Thank You so much... Link to comment
dughlas Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 I got a nice surprise today ... here It was a beautiful poem, it deserves a wider audience. Link to comment
Mikiesboy Posted January 30, 2016 Share Posted January 30, 2016 It was a beautiful poem, it deserves a wider audience. Aww, thank you dugh!! Link to comment
AC Benus Posted January 30, 2016 Author Share Posted January 30, 2016 As speed as shadow, so fear and some winter's cold; the doe that night ride. I'm so glad you discovered the 5-7-5 line lengths, and did pretty well here. I'd say 'swift' is better than 'speed,' as you'd have to say 'speedy' in this case and that messes your metre. 1 Link to comment
Parker Owens Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 What AC said....he's the expert, hear him. I'm so glad you discovered the 5-7-5 line lengths, and did pretty well here. I'd say 'swift' is better than 'speed,' as you'd have to say 'speedy' in this case and that messes your metre. 1 Link to comment
Emi GS Posted January 31, 2016 Share Posted January 31, 2016 I'm so glad you discovered the 5-7-5 line lengths, and did pretty well here. I'd say 'swift' is better than 'speed,' as you'd have to say 'speedy' in this case and that messes your metre. Finally this poem has given me some satisfaction, so I posted it here. Thanks for all the suggestion given. And I am gonna consider all suggestions given by everybody, and gonna put my all effort to make it perfect before I publish. Thank You 'Ben'... What AC said....he's the expert, hear him. I'll definitely check on every suggestion Parker. And thank for yours... 1 Link to comment
Emi GS Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 (edited) I came across a poetic form that I’d never heard of before, a cinquain. According to Young Writers UK [https://www.youngwriters.co.uk] a cinquain poem consists of five unrhymed lines. Each line has a set number of syllables see below: Line 1: 2 syllables Line 2: 4 Line 3: 6 syllables Line 4: 8 syllables Line 5: 2 syllables With our earlier interest in haiku and tanka I thought this might be a form to explore. Ok! I love to try new forms. This is some what difficult, but I tried with the encouragement of Robby's poem 'Rain Drops'. I hope you guys will give better suggestion to improvise it. Feet hurt but riding still my pa lost his mobile so I became a search engine task ends. As always, waiting for your replies... Edited February 1, 2016 by The Eminent MGK 1 Link to comment
Aditus Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 Ok! I love to try new forms. This is some what difficult, but I tried with the encouragement of Robby's poem 'Rain Drops'. I hope you guys will give better suggestion to improvise it. Feet hurt but riding still my pa lost his mobile so I became a search engine task ends. As always, waiting for your replies... It's funny. I personally would like it a little more flowing, so how about: My feet hurt, but I am riding still because pa lost his mobile and I'm his search engine. 2 Link to comment
Emi GS Posted February 1, 2016 Share Posted February 1, 2016 It's funny. I personally would like it a little more flowing, so how about: My feet hurt, but I am riding still because pa lost his mobile and I'm his search engine. Wow!!! You have given the perfect shape for my poem. You know I am laughing at my poem right now. Its really Funny... Ok, but have a small doubt!!! Is it my poem, now, or Yours??? Link to comment
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