W.a.r. By Jeff Wilson (Jkwsquirrel)

[Israfil]

On 3/16/2018 at 8:39 AM, jkwsquirrel said:

Sorry for the delay.  I need to make a confession.

 

For a long time I have been living a double life, a normal everyday life offline and a secret hidden life online.  My regular life was happy and ordinary, I'm happily married and have a beautiful son.  My online life is the opposite, full of secrets and lies.  I've allowed that side of myself to consume too much of the real me.  I've been horribly addicted to pornography, to the point where I can barely function without it taking some part of my time, time which rightly belongs to my wife and son.  Yesterday, my worlds collided.  My wife found out about everything.  I'm glad.  I need to become a person of integrity, and being full of secrets has been eating me up, keeping me from being the man I should be.  I've invited her to check out this site, where I've spent some portion of time that should have been spent with her.  I don't want secrets anymore.  I want her to see the conversations I've had here have been rooted in the story, and that I have been true at least in keeping my real life and my online life separated.  I feel like such a dick, and please don't try to make me feel better about that.  I need the humility that comes from this to propel me into living a more healthful life.  And so, I'm going to finish the story, with her permission and completely out in the open, and then I'm going to leave this life behind, hopefully forever.  I've made some friends here, and I value that, but I have to do what I have to do.  And my wife, being an avid reader, has told me not to leave you all hanging, so we'll at least wrap up WAR before I go.

 

Thanks for understanding.

 

That’s....wow.  I was actually starting to get a little worried but was hoping it was just my jumping to the worst conclusion.

 

Theres not much I can say of any worth except that you have my utmost respect for not only what you are going through with your family but for sharing that here.  It would have been a very simple thing to just say “sorry for the delay” finish the story and then disappear after.  Instead you let us in on a very personal issue - that takes courage.

 

You will be missed - I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to seeing what other stories you shared. Even if you’re leaving GA, I sincerely hope you keep writing in some shape or form.  

Edited March 21, 2018 by Israfil

[Shadow086]

16 minutes ago, Israfil said:

That’s....wow.  I was actually starting to get a little worried but was hoping it was just my jumping to the worst conclusion.

 

Theres not much I can say of any worth except that you have my utmost respect for not only what you are going through with your family but for sharing that here.  It would have been a very simple thing to just say “sorry for the delay” finish the sorry and then disappear after.  Instead you let us in on a very personal issue - that takes courage.

 

You will be missed - I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to seeing what other stories you shared. Even if you’re leaving GA, I sincerely hope you keep writing in some shape or form.  

I'll add to this that I'm glad you're getting these family issues resolved.

 

I truly appreciate that you're able to finish the story under the circumstances, and I also sincerely hope that you keep writing, even if it's just for yourself and your family.

[Mikiesboy]

1 hour ago, jkwsquirrel said:

Sorry for the delay.  I need to make a confession.

 

For a long time I have been living a double life, a normal everyday life offline and a secret hidden life online.  My regular life was happy and ordinary, I'm happily married and have a beautiful son.  My online life is the opposite, full of secrets and lies.  I've allowed that side of myself to consume too much of the real me.  I've been horribly addicted to pornography, to the point where I can barely function without it taking some part of my time, time which rightly belongs to my wife and son.  Yesterday, my worlds collided.  My wife found out about everything.  I'm glad.  I need to become a person of integrity, and being full of secrets has been eating me up, keeping me from being the man I should be.  I've invited her to check out this site, where I've spent some portion of time that should have been spent with her.  I don't want secrets anymore.  I want her to see the conversations I've had here have been rooted in the story, and that I have been true at least in keeping my real life and my online life separated.  I feel like such a dick, and please don't try to make me feel better about that.  I need the humility that comes from this to propel me into living a more healthful life.  And so, I'm going to finish the story, with her permission and completely out in the open, and then I'm going to leave this life behind, hopefully forever.  I've made some friends here, and I value that, but I have to do what I have to do.  And my wife, being an avid reader, has told me not to leave you all hanging, so we'll at least wrap up WAR before I go.

 

Thanks for understanding.

 

i dont know you .. but i noticed this and read it ... i was a porn addict at one time.  you can fix it .. and your wife sounds .. well like you're a lucky man. 

 

i wish you peace and good fortune.  i've not read your work, but it seems popular.  i hope you continue to write now out in the open. 

 

all the best   

 

tim

[jkwsquirrel]

Thanks folks!

 

Things are going better, and hopefully will stay that way.  I got sucked into a world where I didn't want to be and though it was very painful, I needed the confrontation to change my state of mind.  I'm in a better place now.  Story may be delayed a bit, I guess as I work on more important matters.  My wife is an amazing woman.  She had every right to tell me it was over if she wanted.  She didn't.  If she changed her mind, I'd understand.  It was like finding out the person you've lived with for over ten years was someone else.  If she tells me to end the story, sorry, but that's what I'll do.  I want to be well.  It's hard enough being one person, not two.  Anyway, thanks for the support.  I really appreciate it.

[Mikiesboy]

28 minutes ago, jkwsquirrel said:

Thanks folks!

 

Things are going better, and hopefully will stay that way.  I got sucked into a world where I didn't want to be and though it was very painful, I needed the confrontation to change my state of mind.  I'm in a better place now.  Story may be delayed a bit, I guess as I work on more important matters.  My wife is an amazing woman.  She had every right to tell me it was over if she wanted.  She didn't.  If she changed her mind, I'd understand.  It was like finding out the person you've lived with for over ten years was someone else.  If she tells me to end the story, sorry, but that's what I'll do.  I want to be well.  It's hard enough being one person, not two.  Anyway, thanks for the support.  I really appreciate it.

That's good news.  I'm happy for you. i hope you do keep writing.. there are other places outside of GA.. i've belonged to a few of them. I hope you do continue to write as you. All the best. 

[FormerMember4]

32 minutes ago, jkwsquirrel said:

Thanks folks!

 

Things are going better, and hopefully will stay that way.  I got sucked into a world where I didn't want to be and though it was very painful, I needed the confrontation to change my state of mind.  I'm in a better place now.  Story may be delayed a bit, I guess as I work on more important matters.  My wife is an amazing woman.  She had every right to tell me it was over if she wanted.  She didn't.  If she changed her mind, I'd understand.  It was like finding out the person you've lived with for over ten years was someone else.  If she tells me to end the story, sorry, but that's what I'll do.  I want to be well.  It's hard enough being one person, not two.  Anyway, thanks for the support.  I really appreciate it.

I missed this announcement. Very sad you won’t be writing Jeff. Wishing you and family peace through this. Honesty and acceptance show integrity.

[Former Member]

Has what happened changed what you planned to write? Were you always intending for WAR to proceed the way it has? Or did this last chapter become darker because of recent events in your own life?

[jkwsquirrel]

18 minutes ago, droughtquake said:

Has what happened changed what you planned to write? Were you always intending for WAR to proceed the way it has? Or did this last chapter become darker because of recent events in your own life?

Written beforehand.  I have one more chapter in hand that's done and ready for next week.  After that, I have a vision but not the actual typing.

[Shadow086]

I really don't know how to feel about this one.  It's exactly what I was expecting would happen, but I was hoping to be wrong.  Billy deserves to be in his current relationship situation, but I'm also sad that it doesn't look like there's any way things can work out now.

[Israfil]

As much as I’m usually the first to defend Billy, I agree.  The denial is strong with this one.  As they walked into the office, Brett bloody DID tell him he knew.  Sigh.

 

That being said, as someone who has lied more than I care to admit, one does tap into untold reserves of self delusion in these situations.  Especially if you’ve convinced yourself you’re smarter than people around you.  Once you’ve gone past a certain point, you’re almost compelled to believe things will work out somehow - you know you’re riding a tiger you cannot control but feel you have no choice but to see where it takes you.  And hope.  Even when you know what’s going to happen on some level.

[Shadow086]

Just now, Israfil said:

As much as I’m usually the first to defend Billy, I agree.  The denial is strong with this one.  As they walked into the office, Brett bloody DID tell him he knew.  Sigh.

 

That being said, as someone who has lied more than I care to admit, one does tap into untold reserves of self delusion in these situations.  Especially if you’ve convinced yourself you’re smarter than people around you.  Once you’ve gone past a certain point, you’re almost compelled to believe things will work out somehow - you know you’re riding a tiger you cannot control but feel you have no choice but to see where it takes you.  And hope.  Even when you know what’s going to happen on some level.

The other thing too is that Billy really took Brett for granted and assumed that he could just explain and Brett would understand and everything would be okay.  Billy dug his own grave on that one.  We never did find out how much he told Paula about this, and what she told him.

 

I'm not trying to defend Billy, but Brett screwed up in this too.  He should've known by now what a coward Billy is, and that he'd run away from it as long as he could.  I'll never understand what made Brett think that this time would be any different.  Instead of coming up with this ridiculous trip to Buffalo idea, he should have just straight up confronted Billy about it and tried to work things out like they've always done.  Billy doesn't take hints, Brett should know that by now.

 

They're both to blame for what happened, Billy more so than Brett, and the people around them will have a hell of a hard time getting them to work this out.  Because if they're really meant to be together like everyone's been saying since the beginning, they're going to have to calm down and talk this through.  But I wonder who Brett's "spite boyfriend" is going to be...

[Shadow086]

You know, @droughtquake, if Brett had come right out and said in that parking lot "We're going to meet this guy, if you know anything about who my father is, now's the time to tell me.  After we go in there, it'll be too late and I'll never forgive you.", then maybe Billy's oblivious brain could've decoded the secret message.  And what Billy should've done is tell Brett the truth and turn this into a date in Buffalo.  But again, Billy being scared and running away from one bad outcome led to an even worse outcome.

 

Billy being worried that Brett would hate him if he said anything is about the only thing I can use to defend him right now, and that's tenuous at best.  If all your friends and family tell you what you're doing is a bad idea, then maybe it's a bad idea and you should listen to them.  Hell, when your best friend who's been in love with you all his life is trying to help you salvage your relationship with someone else, you take his advice.  Not to mention what George would tell him right about now.

 

Leaving Billy stranded halfway to Buffalo with no phone was a real dick move, I would be surprised if Dustin didn't give Brett a couple of slaps in the face over that.  He deserves it.

 

And now we have to wait a whole week to see the fallout from this and if there's anything to salvage from their relationship.

Edited March 21, 2018 by Shadow086

[jkwsquirrel]

So I went ahead and published chapter 18 today.  It was ready and there was no reason to hold on to it except to keep the usual schedule. Next chapter will fall into the usual spot.  After that, we'll see.

[Freerider]

1 hour ago, jkwsquirrel said:

So I went ahead and published chapter 18 today.  It was ready and there was no reason to hold on to it except to keep the usual schedule. Next chapter will fall into the usual spot.  After that, we'll see.

 

Strangely enough, this chapter gave me a lot of satisfaction.

I really wanted to see Billy suffering for what he did. 

 

disclaimer: all within boundaries of course, because I love this story! And maybe also Billy a bit 

 

 

[Shadow086]

There was some satisfaction at seeing Billy get what he deserved, but I really hope this is the end of his little pity party and that he starts taking steps to get his man to take him back.  Billy needs to start redeeming himself, and he needs to start right now.

[jkwsquirrel]

Hopefully after next chapter it will make a lot more sense why Billy is the way he is.  I hope so.  It might just be the most important chapter of the book, and make you re-think everything you thought you knew about Billy.   No spoilers!

[Wesley8890]

23 hours ago, Shadow086 said:

There was some satisfaction at seeing Billy get what he deserved, but I really hope this is the end of his little pity party and that he starts taking steps to get his man to take him back.  Billy needs to start redeeming himself, and he needs to start right now.

The only way he can redeem himself in my eyes is by taking Brett to the prom. Truthfully that's one of the few ways to do it. One question I have is why did Brett want the coins, still haven't got the reason for that. Also I want to see how Dr. Reilly reacts to the news Brett broke up with billy, essentially she is to blame, I am quite anxious to see how Brett gets back at her for not only denying him his brother, but also being one of the three giant nails in the billy/Brett relationship coffin. I can imagine Brett getting back at jack by exposing the secret and have a feeling Joey will Stan up with Brett not jack when the truth comes out. Can we please see Dustin and Doug at the prom too defying the rules!!! BTW, damn you for making me like joey!

Edited March 24, 2018 by Wesley8890

[jkwsquirrel]

Some thoughts on the latest chapter, so SPOILER ALERT if you haven't read it.  And if you haven't read it, go read it!

 

#1 - Brett.  We'll find out a bit more in the chapters to come, but it's important to remember that Brett has serious trust issues.  He's been lied to his whole life.  Once Joey began to put the hint in Brett's head that Billy knew, Brett began to classify Billy as just another one of the liars club.  Because Joey 'always tells him the truth' he's built a trust in Joey.  Indeed, Joey waited until Brett was already mad at Billy to tell him about what he did to Billy.  Joey's no dummy.  Like Brett said, at the moment he's just numb.  Sometimes he resorts to 'black and white thinking.'  Someone is either good or bad in Brett's mind.  Liars are bad.  Billy was someone who he always had in the good column, but now that status has been challenged because Billy lied to him.  He always had his mom and Jack in the bad column, so their lies were no surprise to him.  Billy is the one who hurt him because Billy should have been the one who told him the truth.  Brett is lost because he really doesn't want to put Billy in the bad column, but Billy's actions have made it hard for him.

 

     Brett's number one trigger is when someone believes him to be dumb, or, if he perceives that someone thinks he's stupid.  For Brett it's about respect.  From Brett's side of things, Billy has been demonstrating with his words and actions that he doesn't respect Brett like he should. (Remember the sex scene a few chapters ago?)  Brett's whole Buffalo plan was designed to show Billy that he was no dummy.  "You thought I was dumb, but I showed you I'm not."  Unfortunately, it spun completely out-of-control (as Brett's schemes so often do) and Brett ended up ditching Billy along the way.  Immature?  Oh absolutely!  In character for Brett Reilly?  Of course!

 

     Brett has never been a saint.  Much of the story is about Brett trying to find a way to get to the good column, when so much of his life people have labeled him as a bad kid.  Most of the adults in Brett's life just want to slap him because he's not only hyperactive but he also has a smart mouth.  He likes to press people's buttons.  He's the kind of kid who dares you to hit him.  What made him so attached to George and Paula was that they never labeled him as a bad kid.  They treated him like part of their family.  Brett never lost faith that Paula would eventually come around when she found out the boys were together.  It just hurt him.  That's why Brett mentions Billy's grandma, and how he needs to find that part of himself again.  In Brett's mind, Helen Cunningham represents the ultimate good, someone who showed him the love and affection he never got at home. (She also reminded him of his own grandparents who cared for him as a baby.)  Even with Dustin's presence in the book, Brett may be one of the most neglected children in the story.

 

#2 - Billy.  As usual, in Billy's quest to find what he's looking for, he finds something else which turns out to be what he really needed.  First of all, you may be wondering, why not just say up front that Billy has Asperger's?  Well, if I had done that, then just like Paula said, people would have labeled the story "the one about the kid with Asperger's trying to get with the kid with ADHD."  That was not my intention.  Like Paula, I prefer not to allow labels to define the characters.  My hope was that you'd think, "Okay, that actually makes sense now why Billy acts the way he does."  It's not an excuse for why he does things.  Oh no no...  Not at all.  And it's not "just one more challenge for Billy to conquer."  He thinks differently, and that is sometimes good and sometimes bad.   When he gets stuck and overwhelmed, he shuts down.  He punches a mirror, or he tells a kid "at least I have a dad" or he dwells on the death of his father for a year.  He lets his appearance get out of control, he lets his room become a pigsty, he doesn't relate to people and thinks they're dumb.  He gets obsessed with one boy and forgets he has other friends.  He gets lost in thought and doesn't realize someone has hit a baseball right to him.  And he absolutely sucks at every sport he tries.  Oh, and he also completely misses the fact that the boy he loves loves him too until that boy spells it out for him!

 

I thought about leaving out the reveal entirely.  I knew some readers were wondering if there was something wrong with Billy.  That was obvious in the comments.  It was difficult to not say anything.  I just didn't want it to overwhelm the story, which I still fear that the revelation at this very late point in the story may do.  I also didn't want to give Billy an 'out' to justify his behavior.  Look how much Brett gets away with because of ADHD.  Billy still messed up big time.  Yes, he was manipulated by two experts, but he still had the option of saying 'no more.'  Billy is a bit naïve.  He believes what people tell him, even blatant lies.  But he's also a pessimist.  He always believes the worst result is what will always happen.  He truly believed what Jack and Jen were telling him.  Like George said, Billy can't tell if people are bluffing.  He also expected the worst when Brett finally found out, so he withheld it for as long as possible.

 

#3 - Various Asperger's related things.  First of all, I fall in the camp that Asperger's and high functioning autism are two different things.  Therefore, I wouldn't say Billy is autistic.  He has behaviors that might be described as odd.  He's obsessive, he's clumsy, he's brilliant, he has trouble relating to people, and he comes off as arrogant.  Those are some of the major traits of Asperger's.  Each case is different.  No two Aspies are the same.  But it's different from autism.  Similar, but different.  Aspies usually don't have a language delay, but they might use language in strange ways.  (Remember Dustin's "to be honest" comments to Billy when he called it 'super-annoying' that Billy kept saying the same thing over and over?)  Very few people in Billy's life would look at him and say, "I think he's autistic."  He talks way too much.  Most of the people around him just write off his odd behavior as just "Billy being Billy."  They don't think there's anything wrong with him, they just think he's a dick.  They don't realize that some of the things that Billy says or does that make him seem like a dick are caused by the wiring in his brain not quite connecting the same way theirs is connected.

 

Here's an example:  Person A walks into a room, waves and says hello to everyone.  Person B walks into a room gives a head nod to someone and considers the room acknowledged.  You might think person A is nice and person B is a dick, but they both think they accomplished the same thing.

 

 

 

[Shadow086]

My thoughts:

 

#1: I would add to that that Brett's impulsive nature leads him to have a bit of "tunnel vision" and not look at the big picture before putting his plans into motion.  If he'd stopped to think about it for a minute, he might've realised that it's not as black and white as he first thought.  Brett's always been impulsive and lets his anger control him, that's consistent with the way he's acted throughout the book.

 

#2: If you'd revealed that at the start of book 1, then maybe, but the way you did it works because you get to know Billy as a person first, not as "that kid with Asperger's".  I don't think it's a "challenge for him to conquer", but rather a reality that he has to live with.  In that sense, Paula and George were wrong to keep this from him all these years.  I don't know how to explain it, I just don't think they were fair to him by not being there to help him learn about and understand this vital part of who he is.  And since Billy is a pessimist and also has a tendency to run away from his problems, I'm worried about what happens next because there's a real possibility that he'll attempt to use it as an excuse for his behaviour, which would be a terrible mistake.

 

#3: I've always thought of Billy as someone who has no social skills, with maybe a bit of OCD thrown into the mix.  It doesn't help that, as Paula said, doctors kept wanting to diagnose autism on every kid who behaved the slightest bit odd.

[Former Member]

5 minutes ago, Shadow086 said:

It doesn't help that, as Paula said, doctors kept wanting to diagnose autism on every kid who behaved the slightest bit odd.

Autism. The new ADHD!  ;-)

[FormerMember4]

17 minutes ago, Shadow086 said:

My thoughts:

 

#1: I would add to that that Brett's impulsive nature leads him to have a bit of "tunnel vision" and not look at the big picture before putting his plans into motion.  If he'd stopped to think about it for a minute, he might've realised that it's not as black and white as he first thought.  Brett's always been impulsive and lets his anger control him, that's consistent with the way he's acted throughout the book.

 

#2: If you'd revealed that at the start of book 1, then maybe, but the way you did it works because you get to know Billy as a person first, not as "that kid with Asperger's".  I don't think it's a "challenge for him to conquer", but rather a reality that he has to live with.  In that sense, Paula and George were wrong to keep this from him all these years.  I don't know how to explain it, I just don't think they were fair to him by not being there to help him learn about and understand this vital part of who he is.  And since Billy is a pessimist and also has a tendency to run away from his problems, I'm worried about what happens next because there's a real possibility that he'll attempt to use it as an excuse for his behaviour, which would be a terrible mistake.

 

#3: I've always thought of Billy as someone who has no social skills, with maybe a bit of OCD thrown into the mix.  It doesn't help that, as Paula said, doctors kept wanting to diagnose autism on every kid who behaved the slightest bit odd.

It’s a double edged sword. Labels keep people from their full potential. I have Social Anxiety Disorder. While it’s good to know, for coping mechanisms. The label is often stifling. I can have a reaction in a moment. Then I’m thinking is reaction due to situation, or my diagnosis. Knowing it is a mindf*ck.

[Former Member]

5 minutes ago, BlindAmbition said:

It’s a double edged sword. Labels keep people from their full potential. I have Social Anxiety Disorder. While it’s good to know, for coping mechanisms. The label is often stifling. I can have a reaction in a moment. Then I’m thinking is reaction due to situation, or my diagnosis. Knowing it is a mindf*ck.

Identification and diagnosis doesn’t mean you’re cured or even that you’re getting anywhere towards coping with the problem,. Social anxiety is one of my minor issues, eclipsed by Depression and general Anxiety. But I am better than I was a decade ago!  ;-)

[Shadow086]

11 minutes ago, BlindAmbition said:

It’s a double edged sword. Labels keep people from their full potential. I have Social Anxiety Disorder. While it’s good to know, for coping mechanisms. The label is often stifling. I can have a reaction in a moment. Then I’m thinking is reaction due to situation, or my diagnosis. Knowing it is a mindf*ck.

That's true.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that Billy had the right to know about this growing up, much like Brett had the right to know who his father is.

[Former Member]

2 minutes ago, Shadow086 said:

That's true.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that Billy had the right to know about this growing up, much like Brett had the right to know who his father is.

Parents keep all sorts of things from their children. Right now there are a bunch of angry Fremont* parents who are furious that the new Sex Ed curriculum for 4th graders mentions LGBTQ people. It’s not like they’re giving graphic details to elementary school kids and it’s not like Bay Area kids are unaware that LGBTQ people exist!

 

* Fremont is the San Francisco East Bay city that is home to the Tesla factory. Fremont was also the location of the factory that built the original Macintoshes. It is on the northeast outskirts of Silicon Valley.  ;-)

[FormerMember4]

29 minutes ago, droughtquake said:

Parents keep all sorts of things from their children. Right now there are a bunch of angry Fremont* parents who are furious that the new Sex Ed curriculum for 4th graders mentions LGBTQ people. It’s not like they’re giving graphic details to elementary school kids and it’s not like Bay Area kids are unaware that LGBTQ people exist!

 

* Fremont is the San Francisco East Bay city that is home to the Tesla factory. Fremont was also the location of the factory that built the original Macintoshes. It is on the northeast outskirts of Silicon Valley.  ;-)

I don’t think it was important for him to know when younger. They could teach skills without an outright label. Just tools to be successful.

He was able to finish school without that label. He is high functioning. Nowhere did any friends hint he was different through the story.

Not excusing, but explains selfishness towards Brett. As vocal as Brett is. Billy might have a very difficult time interpreting and expressing emotion.