Do You Identify As Gay?

[TetRefine]

Thank you to everyone who responded. It was definitely an eye-opening and very interesting thread to follow. 

[Will Hawkins]

I have never made much of a public statement as to my sexuality, but when you reach my age [85] sexuality doesn't make much difference anymore. I have always tried to answer truthfully to being questioned -- I guess a truthful answer today would be, 'I am bi-sexual leaning gay'. I have been married and happily so, but my wife, now deceased, knew of my standing with one foot on each side of the river. When we married, she was of an age that my sexuality did not matter, though our relations were complete and mutually satisfying.

[W_L]

I identify as a homosexual and "gay", to a degree.

 

Being gay is more than just the sexual aspect, to me homosexual label fits that part of who I am. "Gay" is a state of being within society, you seek commonality with those like you for engagement and shared interests.

 

There's cliques and tribes as you guys mention among the LGBT community, but I prefer not to join those. I'll defend my partner and my friends from persecution, but I am not into showing off.

 

On why I am not part of gay community, People on the anti-gay/anti-LGBT side fear and dislike the idea of being forced by group pressure to accept us. At the heart of it, they fear us, because we're part of this "other group".  However, when I meet people like that I try to tell them that LGBT/gay community formed our groups as a response to fears from the anti-LGBT/gay side that were persecuting us in the past. Truth is fear and persecution are intertwined, if we want to rise above it, we need to rise above community and fear built up over time 

 

 

[Tiger]

I definitely am someone who has sex with members of the same gender. I've never explored more opposite sex attraction. I guess that makes me an oddity among LGBT people. However, as a matter of a political identity and for simplification, it's often easier to tell people I'm gay. 

[TetRefine]

8 hours ago, Tiger said:

I definitely am someone who has sex with members of the same gender. I've never explored more opposite sex attraction. I guess that makes me an oddity among LGBT people. 

 

You mean that never having slept with a woman before makes you an oddity in the gay community? 

[Mikiesboy]

4 minutes ago, TetRefine said:

 

You mean that never having slept with a woman before makes you an oddity in the gay community? 

i never have.. never will. I don't think it's all that odd.

[Brayon]

8 hours ago, Tiger said:

I guess that makes me an oddity among LGBT people.

I've met a lot of gays that have never slept with a woman before. Hell, there's even a name for it:

 

Gold Star Gay = you never touch a vagina in sex.

Double Gold Star Gay = never had sex with a vagina, and was born via a c-section.

[TetRefine]

3 hours ago, Mikiesboy said:

i never have.. never will. I don't think it's all that odd.

 

Me either, although I wouldn’t rule myself out of trying it at some point though. But yeah, most of my gay friends have never touched the V so I don’t think it is all that odd.

[Tiger]

5 hours ago, TetRefine said:

 

You mean that never having slept with a woman before makes you an oddity in the gay community? 

I mean, I'm like the opposite of those curious "straight" dudes. That's what makes me an oddity. It's harder for them to go for it, but yet I haven't when I could. 

 

5 hours ago, BHopper2 said:

Gold Star Gay = you never touch a vagina in sex.

Double Gold Star Gay = never had sex with a vagina, and was born via a c-section.

I'm not the latter. Come to think of it, I have touched vaginas though. It was literally my job. I was a certified nurse assistant. Does that disqualify one from gold star status.  

[W_L]

6 hours ago, Tiger said:

I mean, I'm like the opposite of those curious "straight" dudes. That's what makes me an oddity. It's harder for them to go for it, but yet I haven't when I could. 

 

I'm not the latter. Come to think of it, I have touched vaginas though. It was literally my job. I was a certified nurse assistant. Does that disqualify one from gold star status.  

 

Well, it could drop you to silver status

 

I dated girls, but never went that far; there's just no interest there for me.

 

I have friends who are effeminate and hooked up with a few fem guys, but none of them identify as female. I know there's a separate spectrum on gender identity as well, you can be masculine/neutral/effeminate without identifying as a certain gender. There's an unexplored area between Cisgender/Transgender

[MichaelS36]

9 hours ago, Tiger said:

I mean, I'm like the opposite of those curious "straight" dudes. That's what makes me an oddity. It's harder for them to go for it, but yet I haven't when I could. 

 

You didn't sleep with a woman when you had the chance? And that makes you odd? Hmmm.

[Tiger]

On 7/30/2018 at 10:27 PM, MichaelS36 said:

You didn't sleep with a woman when you had the chance? And that makes you odd? Hmmm.

It's mainly, because I don't want to hurt a woman's feelings. I've heard of situations getting out of hands, and even suicide in worst case scenarios. I don't want that on my conscience. 

[Pmsingtiger]

On 7/30/2018 at 9:01 AM, BHopper2 said:

I've met a lot of gays that have never slept with a woman before. Hell, there's even a name for it:

 

Gold Star Gay = you never touch a vagina in sex.

Double Gold Star Gay = never had sex with a vagina, and was born via a c-section.

I’m a Gold star gay then....by definition 😏

My own doesn’t count....my husband says I got to keep that one 💁🏼‍♀️

Edited August 2, 2018 by Pmsingtiger

[Puppilull]

9 hours ago, Tiger said:

It's mainly, because I don't want to hurt a woman's feelings. I've heard of situations getting out of hands, and even suicide in worst case scenarios. I don't want that on my conscience. 

 

Wait... I'm confused. Why would you sleep with someone you're not attracted to? And you're afraid women would kill themselves if you sleep with them and then cut them off? You must meet some seriously sensitive girls... Or have some serious skillz...

 

 

[Graeme]

1 hour ago, Puppilull said:

 

Wait... I'm confused. Why would you sleep with someone you're not attracted to? And you're afraid women would kill themselves if you sleep with them and then cut them off? You must meet some seriously sensitive girls... Or have some serious skillz...

 

 

They don't have to be seriously sensitive girls if they've been given a chance to create an emotional connection. Admitedly, it was after 12 years of marriage, but my wife seriously contemplated suicide after I came out to her  

 

As for sleeping with someone you're not attracted to, again I can answer that one. I consider myself to be gay, in that I'm not sexually attracted to women, only men. However, that doesn't mean I can't form an emotional connection with a women (or one woman, in my case). I think after more than 25 years of marriage (over half of which I've been out to her), I can say it's definitely possible for a gay man to establish an emotional connection with a woman while still being gay.

[Puppilull]

@Graeme I don't doubt for a second gay men can form emotional connections to other people, regardless of sex. I mean I do, so why shouldn't other people? It's the sex part that I was wondering about.

 

A marriage that long would of course make anyone invest heavily from both sides in the relationship. With strong emotional responses to highly unexpected news.

 

I read the original post as more of a casual sex thing, not very comparable to your experience. 

[W_L]

@Graeme, there's something I always wanted to ask you, after 2 decades of being with you wife and having kids, have you ever been tempted by another guy, who you knew would be open to having an affair with you? Have you been in any situation that could have allowed that possibility?

 

Straight couples have the same wandering eye question as well, which is one reason why half of all marriages end in divorce.

 

I am wondering if you are actively trying to avoid compromising situations or gay guys who could be potential lovers. Emotional investment, resolve, or even guilt alone don't prevent many people from straying out of relationships if given opportunities. For those who choose not to leave hetero relationship with active Cognoscenti, this is an "open closet" situation, where these people are able to say they are gay/bi and admit their true emotions, but unwilling or unable to leave the closet. (That's another spectrum few people talk about, it's not just that you are "in the closet" or "out", there's gray area with varying personal acceptance)

 

I know its a personal question and the internet is no longer as anonymous as it used to be.

[Graeme]

@W_L I try to avoid the possibilty of temptation. I don't work closely with anyone who is out (I also don't ask) and I don't socialise with anyone who is out. Indeed, I don't know that many people who are out in real life. The ones I've met, such as Jason Ball, the footballer-turned-politician, are so much younger than me that there's no real temptation.

 

My "gay life" is all online, and my wife is happy with that. I don't try to see the people I know online in real-life. There was one person I met online who I discovered lived within walking distance of me for a period of time, but I never let him know and I never tried to see him.

 

There have been people I would be very tempted by if they were looking for an affair, but the older I get, the less likely those people would be looking -- I know how old I am and what I look like.  So, I've been lucky in that respect.

[Jwalk19610]

I do definitely identify myself as gay...and I'm proud of it...but I certainly don't waive any banners or march in any parades. I live in a very sparsely populated pretty remote wilderness area far from any city with more than two traffic lights.  Around here there isn't any gay life or culture or scene...there's really just nothing. I'm the only gay person I know. While some people accept me many more if not most don't.  There stories and others on similar sites are my best friends and only salvation.  Pretty pathetic I know...but there's my answer I guess.   

[Mikiesboy]

5 hours ago, Jwalk19610 said:

I do definitely identify myself as gay...and I'm proud of it...but I certainly don't waive any banners or march in any parades. I live in a very sparsely populated pretty remote wilderness area far from any city with more than two traffic lights.  Around here there isn't any gay life or culture or scene...there's really just nothing. I'm the only gay person I know. While some people accept me many more if not most don't.  There stories and others on similar sites are my best friends and only salvation.  Pretty pathetic I know...but there's my answer I guess.   

please don't say you or your life is pathetic ... it's not, it's yours ... i hope you find people here, and this place to be good for you... you're welcome here..  i'm tim , welcome to GA.

Edited August 3, 2018 by Mikiesboy

[Carlos Hazday]

@Jwalk19610

 

I'll echo tim, your life's not pathetic. It may be different from mine and from many others, but it's yours and should be celebrated. I may not comprehend the choices some people make but I accept them anyway. The world would be a boring place if we were all the same.

 

Cyberspace provides an opportunity for us to learn and sometimes we decide to try new things. Even if nothing changes, we can at least find peace, enjoyment, and acceptance on sites like Gay Authors.

 

Welcome to GA.

[Jwalk19610]

Thanks to everyone for your kind and insightful reply. I really do so appreciate it. Looking forward to being a member. I truly am. These stories and their authors are my best thing in life and my best friends and in a way even my family now. So yeah...thanks guys. Truly. J.

 

I do definitely identify myself as gay...and I'm proud of it...but I certainly don't waive any banners or march in any parades. I live in a very sparsely populated pretty remote wilderness area far from any city with more than two traffic lights.  Around here there isn't any gay life or culture or scene...there's really just nothing. I'm the only gay person I know. While some people accept me many more if not most don't.  There stories and others on similar sites are my best friends and only salvation.  Pretty pathetic I know...but there's my answer I guess.   

[Brayon]

11 minutes ago, Jwalk19610 said:

Thanks to everyone for your kind and insightful reply. I really do so appreciate it. Looking forward to being a member. I truly am. These stories and their authors are my best thing in life and my best friends and in a way even my family now. So yeah...thanks guys. Truly. J.

First off welcome to GA. Second, we're glad you're here, and the community at large are very friendly people. Don't be afraid to say hi, or send a PM or jump into a discussion.

[cognac69]

Do I identify as being gay? Yes.

Do I identify as being part of the LGBT community? No.

While that may seem strange to many I'll explain.

I live in Manchester, UK, it's a great place to live and it has a thriving Gay Quarter centred around Canal Street in the city centre. It's nice place to go out for a drink and meet others who regularly socialise there. In my opinion it used to be much better and had more of a community spirit which is lacking these days. Attitudes there have also changed and now most bars are just a cattle market for pick-ups. Don't get me wrong if that's your thing fine, but it's just not me and never has been. I'm an old fashioned one-man type of guy. The overall attitude now seems to that unless your sh*****g around and getting it on with as many guys as possible even two, three or more at a time, your not one of them. That being the case if have to be promiscuous to be part of the community, then I'll pass thank you and be a gay man outside of the community.

Edited August 14, 2018 by cognac69
to correct grammar.

[Former Member]

I identify as Gay. I am Out. I was even Out during the two years when I was homeless (I’ve been housed for over five years now).  ;–)

 

I do not drink or smoke, so I’ve never enjoyed bars. I refuse to use apps to meet guys. I’ve never fit the profile that’s popular in The Castro.  ;–)

 

My connections to the LGBTQ community is primarily through Gay fiction sites and Frameline (the organization that produces the annual San Francisco International LGBTQ Film Festival).  ;–)

 

The LGBTQ community has major problems with racism, sexism, biphobia, and Transphobia. The issues are rarely discussed or acknowledged. There are groups, like Frameline, that take special care to reach out to all aspects of the LGBTQ spectrums. Most groups pay lip service to diversity, inadvertently offending others due to ignorance. These are not easy issues to overcome, but it’s important to take the first steps. Gay people are aware of how we feel when we are disrespected or discriminated against, but somehow we have difficulty realizing that we do it to others who are grouped together with us even if we don’t like the associations.