Giving your story punch!

[Talo Segura]

It is all too easy to write a description which reads similar to this: I was underwater, it was like I was drowning, a blackness enveloped me.

Like, there's no punch in the narrative if you use like. I was drowning, or not. That has punch. Using words without reflection loses force in a story and it's a strong narrative that grips. If not, well it's just like reading a story, de dum, de dum, no punch!

Of course, like is used in the sense that the person in question was not actually drowning, they were experiencing the sensation, but don't you think the reader is intelligent enough to draw that conclusion for themself?

A read through and eliminating these words, like, there are others, could dramatically improve a narrative, and drama is what we want, isn't it?

[W_L]

Well if I re-interpret your starting line:

"I was trapped underwater, choking on the cold weight pressing in from every side. Panic flared into anger as I fought against the suffocating darkness that clawed its way from my eyes into my very soul. This couldn't be the end—swallowed whole by a pitiless blackness that mocks my struggle to live. I thrashed, fists pounding and legs kicking against the crushing cold water as the air slipped away."

In my view, emotional depth helps make a line more interesting and engaging. In my interpretation, the character is drowning and his reactions are visceral, he also exhibits the emotion of anger at the situation, trying to fight against his impending death. Just a thought.

[Talo Segura]

On 11/8/2024 at 11:55 PM, W_L said:

Well if I re-interpret your starting line:

OTT. If you put too much description in the narrative it turns into purple prose.

[W_L]

6 hours ago, Talo Segura said:

OTT. If you put too much description in the narrative it turns into purple prose.

For those who do not know what purple prose means:

Quote

Purple prose is a term used to describe writing that is too ornate, flowery, or showy, and can be distracting to the reader:

Depends on the situation and buildup of course. In life/death events, being more detailed can add a bit of thrill to readers, viscerally holding their head underwater in this case with your 1st-person narrator. If you write like George RR Martin for instance, where multiple 1st-person narrators can die, then the threat of death is quite possible and forces readers to keep reading. It's one reason why the infamous Red Wedding was so good. (Catelyn Stark is a lot more badass than the show for this reason)

In GA, we've have a few well-known authors who like to be the goat on the edge of cliffs   at various points in their serial stories.

Edited November 16, 2024 by W_L

[Mike Carss]

On 11/16/2024 at 2:46 AM, Talo Segura said:

OTT. If you put too much description in the narrative it turns into purple prose.

I wouldn't consider @W_L's example purple prose. Yes, it's descriptive, but more importantly, it's visceral. Given the circumstances, entirely justified. As long as it doesn't go on and on, it's fine writing. I would consider purple prose to be something just as descriptive if a character was just walking down the street.

[LJCC]

13 hours ago, mcarss said:

I wouldn't consider @W_L's example purple prose. Yes, it's descriptive, but more importantly, it's visceral. Given the circumstances, entirely justified. As long as it doesn't go on and on, it's fine writing. I would consider purple prose to be something just as descriptive if a character was just walking down the street.

 I agree.

Sample of a Purple Prose:

• Quote

  Under a canopy of bruised twilight, the man emerged from the doorway like a wraith unspooling from the shadows, his coat a tempest of tattered charcoal that whispered against the cobblestones. Each step was a symphony of solitude, his soles striking a mournful cadence on the slick, glistening pavement—an indifferent mirror to the heavens, spattered with the day's dying tears. The street stretched before him, a river of obsidian winding into the heart of the city's slumbering beast, where lamplight pooled in molten gold and danced in defiance of the encroaching gloom.

  His breath mingled with the cool evening air, a ghostly vapor curling upward, dissipating into the velvety expanse above. Around him, the world seemed to hold its breath—the distant hum of traffic a muted dirge, the occasional bark of a dog a solitary cry in the wilderness of man’s design. Shadows clung to the alleyways like forgotten sins, watching him with languid, predatory interest as he passed.

  He walked as though untethered from time, each stride measured and deliberate, as if he carried the weight of a thousand unspoken stories in the creases of his weary brow. The streetlights flickered, their ancient filaments sighing against the eternal night, casting halos of trembling luminance that crowned him a reluctant pilgrim on a journey without destination.

  And so he went on, disappearing into the labyrinth of the city, a solitary figure swallowed by the eternal, pulsating heart of darkness, where stories like his were as countless as the stars veiled by the ever-watchful clouds.

 Your Basic Neighborhood-Friendly Prose:

• Quote

  He crossed the street.

[Ron]

@LJCC  Ooh, I liked the purple-prose! The basic-prose was too pedestrian for me. 

[Talo Segura]

The original point was about the use of the word like. It was like I was drowning, rather than - I was underwater,  drowning, a blackness enveloped me. Falling into descriptions which are modes of speech lose the punch. Another example: it was like he was killing me, murdering my very existence. It isn't like he was killing me, he either was or wasn't. The protagonist has the deep emotional feeling of being murdered, wiped out, erased from existence, that has punch. The word like has no place in the description, not it you want punch in the narrative!

[ChromedOutCortex]

On 11/18/2024 at 10:13 AM, Ron said:

@LJCC  Ooh, I liked the purple-prose! The basic-prose was too pedestrian for me. 

I kinda like that as well... I was always taught "show, don't tell" -- now I'm thinking maybe I use too much "purple-prose" (never heard that term before). I think I'll have to review my writing a little more. 🙂 

[LJCC]

25 minutes ago, ChromedOutCortex said:

I kinda like that as well... I was always taught "show, don't tell" -- now I'm thinking maybe I use too much "purple-prose" (never heard that term before). I think I'll have to review my writing a little more. 🙂 

True purple prose is so excessively ornate that it becomes unreadable. It’s generally considered poor writing unless used intentionally for humor, such as in the dialogue of a specific character.

However, some people mistakenly label any writing that isn’t as simple as a newspaper article as purple prose. This has led to great writers like Cormac McCarthy, William Faulkner, William Shakespeare, and Virginia Woolf being unfairly accused of it.

Not all writing needs to be minimalist! Variety keeps things interesting.

That said, using complex language effectively requires skill. You must fully understand the words, use them correctly, clarify your meaning, and create an enjoyable style.

For most writers, avoiding overly ornate language is a good rule. My friend is a trial lawyer, and she was taught to keep things simple—never use a "ten-dollar word" when a "two-dollar word" would do, or avoid words you wouldn’t use in casual conversation. In short, keep it clear and straightforward.

But what works in court might feel dull in a novel. Flowery prose isn’t inherently bad. When done well, it can be as beautiful as calligraphy. The challenge lies in mastering it, and unfortunately, bad examples have given it a poor reputation.

[W_L]

11 hours ago, LJCC said:

True purple prose is so excessively ornate that it becomes unreadable. It’s generally considered poor writing unless used intentionally for humor, such as in the dialogue of a specific character.

However, some people mistakenly label any writing that isn’t as simple as a newspaper article as purple prose. This has led to great writers like Cormac McCarthy, William Faulkner, William Shakespeare, and Virginia Woolf being unfairly accused of it.

Not all writing needs to be minimalist! Variety keeps things interesting.

That said, using complex language effectively requires skill. You must fully understand the words, use them correctly, clarify your meaning, and create an enjoyable style.

For most writers, avoiding overly ornate language is a good rule. My friend is a trial lawyer, and she was taught to keep things simple—never use a "ten-dollar word" when a "two-dollar word" would do, or avoid words you wouldn’t use in casual conversation. In short, keep it clear and straightforward.

But what works in court might feel dull in a novel. Flowery prose isn’t inherently bad. When done well, it can be as beautiful as calligraphy. The challenge lies in mastering it, and unfortunately, bad examples have given it a poor reputation.

 

Minimalism is a style that is an acquired taste. While there's nothing wrong with just saying things like "John meets Bob. They go to a movie. They eat dinner. They go to a hotel." and so on, it feels too mechanical, like we're playing a game of Sims with a story mode on. 

To me, the style seems boring, but I do know people who enjoy that kind of thing. Just tell folks what's happening, what folks are doing, and leave it at that without emotion or details. Essentially, it's a "twitter story" for the masses, who don't want to think about anything beyond the optics. 

I want to enjoy the moments with my characters, share their joy and suffering. It's more fun to be descriptive.

[Talo Segura]

14 hours ago, W_L said:

 

Minimalism is a style that is an acquired taste. While there's nothing wrong with just saying things like "John meets Bob. They go to a movie. They eat dinner. They go to a hotel." and so on, it feels too mechanical, like we're playing a game of Sims with a story mode on. 

To me, the style seems boring, but I do know people who enjoy that kind of thing. Just tell folks what's happening, what folks are doing, and leave it at that without emotion or details. Essentially, it's a "twitter story" for the masses, who don't want to think about anything beyond the optics. 

I want to enjoy the moments with my characters, share their joy and suffering. It's more fun to be descriptive.

Maybe it comes down to an appreciation of the English language, meaning a great piece of writing is not only the story, but also the prose.

And what is prose it's “the way you tell me things”.

When you write, you will put words together to conjure a certain image, play out a scene, or convey a message. The words you choose and how you use them will be different than another writer’s way of telling me that same image / scene / message. Maybe I prefer your way of telling it because it’s straightforward and easy to read, or maybe I prefer the other writer’s prose because it’s more poetic and uses nice metaphors.

Personally I prefer the more poetic with nice metaphors.

[Krista]

Poor purple prose is a typical incomplete thought that distracts and/or detracts from the writing. It is often repetitive with overuse of similar words, or unnecessary usage of words entirely. That is why it is frowned upon, because although it adds a bit of difference, it can bog the scene down when all the scene needed to do was come into the room, then move along.

If you use more words explaining a scene, than the action that caused it in the first place - you may be guilty of purple prose. Especially if you use words that aren't physical representation of what is happening, and in place are spiritually. So the use of, "It hurt me, down into the very deepest depths of my soul," conveys impact, but it is also considered purple prose - because you spent more words on telling me that, than what actually happened to cause it in the first place. That makes it an incomplete thought that you later have to close, it needs to close before the words bog it down and you lose the impact and pacing. 

Loaded words such as: Like and a lot of LY words can also be problematic. We're all guilty of it. It felt like I was drowning. It felt like the walls were closing in around me. And some of the LY adverbs that can become problematic are: Anxiously, Argumentatively, Angrily, Boldly, Effortlessly, Generally, or anything that ends in LY that would give more of an impact if you describe 'how' instead of using the word.

Instead of writing: 'Alex stood in front of me anxiously,' 

You need to think about the word anxiously. People show anxiety numerous ways. Make Alex an individual in the writing by describing the way that he is anxious. Do it in a way that adds to the scene, instead of two people standing in a room.

Purple prose can be good in small doses, but it may not be the best way to get to what drives the scene into the more impacting place. If you're unsure about how to break the habit - the easiest way is to write the scenes expressing all senses. Using sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch fleshes out the scene. It often gives the characters something to do as well or naturally leads the scene more organically, so you don't have to rely so heavily on internal prose.  

Also, don't go off scene that breaks up the action. If your character is in a battle/fight/action scene, a flash of red that's a rose on the edge of the battle field, beautiful and about to be splattered in blood mid-swing of your sword or whatever - could distract from the scene and add nothing to it. Notice it afterwards, or before, but not during. A rose isn't 'ever' more important than saving your character's own life. If you write a paragraph explaining that damn red rose between one swing of a sword and the next - it will likely annoy most people. It is amazing how many YA authors of Fantasy are guilty of this very thing. A demon is about to slash your character's face off, but the character notices a family portrait on a nightstand, the glass fractured by some unknown force, a scream growing in their chest,  they turned back --- No. Your character should already be dead and that Demon should be laughing over your character's corpse because they cared more about a shattered family picture than saving their own damn life.  

Writing is all about consistency though, you can overdo that and it can become just as oopsie as using too much purple prose. The worst thing we can do is overreact or overcorrect because someone told us that something is bad/wrong or something is important and necessary. 

Edited December 14, 2024 by Krista