9.11 - 2. Chapter 2

June 14, 2001

I’d slept in late, waking up just to pop a pain pill and then doze off. It wasn’t until lunch that I roused myself, threw on some clothes, and went up to eat. No one was around except the staff, which seemed kind of strange for Escorial, which was usually full of people. I walked outside and gazed back at this massive building that I called home. It had been built in the 1920s, apparently inspired by Hearst’s San Simeon, when huge houses were the thing. Over the years, it had been expanded and modified, but it kept the same flavor, with Spanish architectural style that was somewhat similar to the California Mission look used at Stanford. Grand had bought it in 1968, and it had become the central focus for our extended family. On Sundays, any family members in the area were expected to make the pilgrimage to Escorial for dinner, and to dress for it. Normally, there was no dress code, but on Sundays, a jacket and tie were the norm.

It was so different from my father’s house in Malibu. That place usually seemed like a busy airport, with people coming and going constantly. That happened at Escorial, but it didn’t seem as disruptive. That was probably because of the daily structure at Escorial, which consisted of one, specific rule. Dinner was served at 7:00pm. If you were going to be late, you were better off to just skip it and make something in the kitchen later on, or to go out. Those who arrived late could expect a very unpleasant look from Grand, and such was the esteem we held him in, even a simple look of disapproval from him could be devastating. In Malibu, dinner was supposed to be at 7:00 as well, but it wasn’t unusual for it to hit 7:15 before everyone got there, or to have people breeze in and out during a meal. I found that the structure at Escorial felt better, and grounded me. I liked it.

I decided to go for a ride so I strolled over to the stables. They used to be combined with the garage, but now they were a separate structure. “Which horse are you riding today, Mr. Will?” the stable hand asked me.

“Charger,” I said. I could choose one of the mares, but I’d gotten to be a pretty good rider, and they were just a little too tame for me. The other option was Nana’s stallion: Gunpowder. He was full of fire, and could be a challenge to keep under control. But my favorite was Charger. He was Grand’s stallion, but I usually rode him. We did well together, and what’s more, we understood each other. When I needed a challenge, he seemed to get that, and he’d push me. But when I just wanted a good ride, he’d do that too. Kind of how I liked all of my stallions, I thought to myself with a giggle. I put on my tack while the stable hand saddled the horse up, and then I led Charger out onto the expanse of our twenty acres, where it connected to land that belonged to either Palo Alto or Stanford. My ride almost mirrored my ride from yesterday, with me starting off ripping through the empty fields until I’d gone a ways, then I slowed Charger to a walk so I could think about things as I headed back.

Of course the thing with Erik and Kyle was at the forefront of my mind, especially since my nose still hurt. It dawned on me that I probably wasn’t supposed to be riding while I was on these pain pills, but I’d have to break that rule. I was pissed off at Erik for coming at me when he should have gone after Kyle, and I was really pissed off at him for breaking my nose and ruining my prime surfing time. Did I want to make a big deal out of this? I could probably have him arrested, and since he was eighteen and I wasn’t quite fifteen that would probably cause him some problems. I could hire a lawyer and sue him for pain and suffering. Erik’s family was wealthy and pretty well-known. That could cause all of them some discomfort. Even as I thought of all these options, I knew I wouldn’t do it. I understood that he was hurt and lashing out at me instead of Kyle because he loved Kyle, and it was easier to blame me than Kyle. And part of me was willing, in the recesses of my brain, to accept that when I played with fire by fucking around with Kyle, it was possible that there could be some pretty nasty consequences, so it wasn’t like I was some innocent flower. No, I’d drop it, and just avoid him in the future. If he came at me again, I’d fry his ass, but as long as he left me alone, I’d let it go. Besides, taking my lumps like a man and moving on was a lot nobler than calling the cops or hiring a lawyer. I hated it when JJ turned into a tattletale, and both of those things seemed like the adult version of being a tattletale.

That led me to think about Kyle. I would have expected that I’d be all upset about not having him in my life, and that my hormones would be surging out of control, screaming at me to call him. There was no denying that he was a good fuck, but the weird thing about it was that I really had no desire to see him, or even sleep with him. For six months we’d been regular fuck buddies, then all of a sudden it’s over and I’m totally fine with that. I searched my psyche, wondering if there was some intense pain or desire buried deep, but I found nothing. When I thought of Kyle, I felt nothing.

I guess that made sense, to a degree, since this whole dramatic affair revolved mostly around Kyle’s inability to live up to his commitments. I’d fortified myself with the knowledge that I wasn’t part of those commitments, so I didn’t have to feel guilty about Kyle breaking them. And it wasn’t like I was the one pushing Kyle to spend time with me instead of Erik. I reminded myself yet again that I was a willing participant but not the instigator. I had no guilt for that, nor did I think I should. And it wasn’t like I was a predator, trying to mack on dudes that were already with someone else, because I hadn’t done that either. I mean, I was fucking around with Tony and Kyle, and they were both in relationships, but that’s not why I was with them. I’d been running those precepts through my brain for the last six months and hadn’t come up with a good reason to stop things with Kyle, and I hadn’t been able to do that because those reasons simply weren’t compelling. Yet why was I over him so fast, and why did I seemingly have no remorse over losing him? And then I had an epiphany. It wasn’t me that was the problem: it was Kyle. He’d made a commitment to another guy and totally cheated on him. That made him a scumball, and considerably less attractive in my eyes. So it wasn’t guilt that would keep me out of a relationship with a guy like Kyle, it was the fact that he was a scumball, and thus not worthy of a relationship. I wondered why no one had pointed that out to me before.

My mind flashed to Tony: the dismissive attitude I had with Kyle wouldn’t work with him. I knew that at some base level I loved Tony. Our physical connection was surreal; it was almost spiritual. Could I ever have a real relationship with him? I wasn’t sure, especially since to do that we’d have to deal with some pretty big issues. The first one was the fact he was gay, and his refusal to acknowledge that. We’d never be able to move much beyond occasional fuck buddies until he grappled with that. The other one was the fact that we really didn’t have meaningful conversations. It’s not like I needed a dude to tell me how he was feeling every five minutes, but with Tony, I didn’t really know much about what was going on inside his head. He was so closed, so shielded, that it was rare that I got to see inside. So why didn’t I think he was a scumball for dating Dana and fucking me on the side? Maybe it’s because we only fucked once in awhile, and it wasn’t a regular thing? Not likely. The real reason was that she was a bitch, and I hated her. Fucking Tony meant that I was fucking her over. That’s a good thing.

I got back to Escorial and was pretty surprised to see my father there. “Hey!” I said enthusiastically, even as I ran over to give him a big hug, which he returned with just as much feeling but just a little gentler than usual. “I thought you were going to Malibu,” I said after we ended our embrace.

“I didn’t hear from you, and it was kind of important that you go, so I figured I’d show up in person to badger you and JJ into coming with me,” he said. My father was very intense, and very powerful, traits that came through loud and clear. Sometimes he could be pretty intimidating, but when he was being fun and playful like he was now, it was possible to see the kid still buried inside his high-powered executive persona.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you,” I said. “I slept in and then sort of forgot and went riding. How about if we blame it on the pain pills.”

He smiled, and then got serious. “How are you doing? You OK?”

“I’ll be fine,” I said. “It hurts a little, but that wouldn’t bother me if I wasn’t banned from the ocean for a fucking month. I was all stoked to go over to Hawaii for a couple of weeks, and now this happens.”

“That sucks. You should still have plenty of time to go over before school starts,” he said, trying to cheer me up. “What happened to the guy that hit you?”

“Nothing,” I said.

“What?” he demanded, and was as bitchy and outraged about that as I had been. “They let him go?” He started to walk off, as if he was going to find Grand and Stef to ream them out, but I stopped him.

“They let him go, and asked me if I wanted to do anything to him. They let me make the call. I decided not to do anything.”

“Will, he came in here and broke your nose!” Dad objected.

“Yeah, he did, but as long as he stays away from me, I’ll take my lumps and move on. It’s over,” I said calmly.

I watched the anger and outrage vanish from his face like magic. “Well, it’s your decision.” I thought about our massive conflicts last year over his inability to acknowledge that simple fact, that it was my decision. I was so much happier with our relationship now.

“So when are you going back to LA?”

“I was hoping we could all go back this evening after dinner,” he said.

“That’s pretty fast. Makes it sound urgent,” I said.

“Let’s go find your brother,” he said, stopping the copious number of questions that I was about to hit him with. He strode off toward JJ’s room, going fast enough to forestall conversation. He knocked, and then entered, with me in tow.

JJ was just lounging around, but he got up and gave Dad a nice hug, and put his arm around me in a friendly gesture. “What brings you to Paly?” he asked Dad.

“I came up here to drag you two back with me,” Dad said. “I want to leave after dinner tonight.”

JJ looked at me and raised an eyebrow, getting that there was more going on than Dad was telling us. “Why?”

“Your mother wants you to come see her in Malibu,” Dad said, then gestured to me. “Both of you.”

“What does she want?” JJ asked, and not in a nice way. He was so transparent, and it was obvious that he was still pissed off at her. I’d had some pretty tough times with her, so I could understand how he felt. After my mother had been discharged from the mental hospital and she had moved, with Maddy, back to Malibu, I could see why he’d feel pretty rejected. And even though I thought that was pretty unfair of him, since my mother’s shrink had told her she shouldn’t live with us, I didn’t give him shit about it. We were learning to have each other’s backs again.

Our conversation was interrupted when Stef appeared, greeting all of us in his normal, effusive way, and grilling me about how I was recovering from my injury. “And what brings you back here?” Stef asked Dad. “I thought you were going to Malibu.” Dad looked mildly irritated that everyone kept asking him the same question.

“Dad came here to badger JJ and me into going back to Malibu with him,” I said.

“Mom wants us to come back, but he hasn’t told us why yet,” JJ augmented, gesturing at Dad.

“I’ll let your mother tell you,” Dad said mysteriously, which pissed me off. He hated it when people kept secrets from him, but he seemed to think it was totally alright for him to do that to other people.

“I think you should tell us,” I said firmly.

“It’s not my place to talk about her personal affairs,” he said in this sort of pompous way, the same tone he used when he was trying to end an unpleasant conversation.

“If you want us to go with you, you should tell us,” I said, getting a chuckle from JJ.

“If you come with me, you’ll find out,” Dad said, trying to be funny. It didn’t work.

“Nope. You don’t tell me, I’m not going,” I said simply.

He glared at me, but ever since I’d gotten emancipated, his ability to order me around had been removed. It was totally within my power to refuse to go, and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. JJ snickered but couldn’t openly rebel like I did, since he hadn’t taken that step and he was still under Dad’s thumb. Dad sighed, as if he was trying to show me how annoyed he was, but that didn’t bother me at all, so he finally relented. “She went back to New Jersey for a class reunion and met an old girlfriend. They’re dating again.”

“Indeed?” Stef asked, wanting to know all the details. He was such a gossip. “And who is this woman?”

“Her name is Hannah, but she goes by Hank.”

“Hank?” I asked. “Seriously?”

“What is she, a bull dyke?” JJ asked. I tried not to laugh, and so did the rest of us, but couldn’t quite pull it off so it ended up looking like we were snickering.

“JJ!” Dad admonished. He glared at JJ for a few seconds, as if to burn his displeasure in, and then continued. “She’s a police officer in New York City, but she lives in Hoboken.”

“She’s a cop?” I asked. “A cop named Hank?” That finally did it, made both JJ and me crack up. Even Stef was chuckling.

“Yes,” Dad said in an irritated way. If Darius were here, he’d be laughing his ass off too, and he was the closest to Mom, so I didn’t feel too guilty. “Anyway, she wants you to meet Hank, and she’ll only be in Malibu for a few more days.”

“So we leave after dinner?” I asked, confirming that I’d go. “JJ?”

“I can do that,” he said.

“Perhaps I will accompany you,” Stef said as he flipped through his calendar.

“Someone is pretty anxious to meet Jeanine’s girlfriend,” Dad said, giving Stef shit.

“I am merely going along to spend time with my grandsons,” he lied.

“Right,” Dad said, and chuckled. “By the way, while we’re in Malibu with them, you guys can’t do anything illegal.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Robbie tells me that Hank is a pretty by-the-book cop. If she smelled something, like, say, marijuana, it would probably make her uncomfortable,” he said.

“She’s going to arrest me if I smoke a J?” I asked him incredulously.

“She can’t arrest you,” he said. “She could call the local cops, though. She’d consider it her duty.”

“She’d turn me in? Are you serious?” I was pissed off about that, about having a police spy in my house.

“Probably not, but can’t you just be considerate about this?” Dad asked me.

“The only things I can do for fun in Malibu are illegal. I can smoke pot, and I can sleep with older guys. You are seriously killing my buzz,” I said, making Stef and JJ laugh.

“Maybe you can find a guy who’s under eighteen. There’s a first time for everything,” Dad said, giving me shit.

“Whatever. I’ll go along and give you two nights in the KGB-occupied house, comrade,” I said, getting more chuckles from Stef and JJ.

Dad and Stef left after that, while I hung out and played video games with JJ. “Dude, she’s dating a chick named Hank?” he asked me.

“I know, right?” We laughed about that for a bit, and then I went back to my room to pop a pain pill, take a nap, and clean up for dinner.

I managed to get ready in time to make it up to the dining room just as the big grandfather clock finished gonging seven o’clock. Of course, that made my arrival more of a dramatic entry, since everyone else was already seated. “Made it,” I said to Grand playfully. He gave me a slight grin to acknowledge my adherence to his rigid schedule. It was a bigger crowd tonight: In addition to my dad, I noticed that Marie was here, along with John, Aunt Claire, and Uncle Jack.

“Looks like your slutty ways finally caught up with you,” Marie said with a smarmy attitude, gesturing at my nose. She was pissed off at me for sleeping with Kyle, and she’d been giving me shit about it for months now. This was her golden opportunity to say ‘I told you so’.

“Marie!” my Aunt Claire snapped, irritated that her daughter would be that rude at dinner.

“You say that like being slutty is a bad thing,” I said with a grin, and winked at Stef. He smiled at me indulgently, both for my statement, and to thank me for being nice about it so we didn’t have a big unpleasant conversation at dinner.

“I don’t know,” John said. “Looks pretty painful to me.” His attitude was like Marie’s, only toned down, since he wasn’t exactly the most faithful boyfriend around. He’d been careful to make it sound like he was being sympathetic.

“No pain, no gain,” I said dismissively, not wanting to dwell on this.

But that wasn’t Marie’s way. It was like she was determined to probe this for all it was worth. “Well, everyone’s talking about it, so now you’ve got quite the reputation.”

And with that, she’d managed to piss me off. “By ‘everyone’, you mean you,” I accused.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” she demanded.

“Erik found out I was with Kyle when he overheard you and John talking about it,” I said.

“That’s not true!” Marie said adamantly, but I was pretty good at reading her, and even better at reading John and I could tell she was full of shit. “You can’t blame me if Erik is eavesdropping on my conversations.”

“I want to know why you two were talking about me in public in the first place,” I responded.

“We didn’t think we were in public,” she said, inadvertently admitting that they had in fact done it.

“I’m just glad I know who I can and can’t trust,” I said to both of them firmly, even as I glared at them. John was guilty, and refused to so much as make eye contact with me, but Marie met my eyes with no qualms at all.

“So are you still seeing Kyle?” Stef asked, trying to move us beyond this incredibly unpleasant topic.

“Stef, I’d rather not talk about this here. It will just end up in the Menlo rumor mill,” I said. Menlo was a reference to our high school. The implication was that Marie and John would repeat anything I said to all of our friends, and probably to people who weren’t my friends. “I’m going to have to watch what I say a lot more closely.”

“It is unfortunate that you feel that way,” Grand said. “It is even more unfortunate that you appear to have reason to feel that way.” And then he gave Marie and John his look, the look of disapproval, the one I dreaded. I saw them both physically recoil. My Uncle Jack and Aunt Claire just looked embarrassed.

“I’m very sorry that happened,” Aunt Claire said to me, “and I’m very sorry that it resulted in your broken nose.”

“Thanks for saying that,” I told her, trying to be just as smooth as she was. “But you’re not the one who owes me an apology.” I stared straight at Marie as I said this, and that really prodded her into action.

“You screw around behind Erik’s back for months now, and you want me to apologize to you because he kicked your ass?” Marie demanded.

“You’re the one who all but told him about it. You’re the one who was talking about me in public. Damn right you should apologize,” I said indignantly.

“Whatever,” she said petulantly.

“You know,” I told her, looking at her as directly as I could, “I can’t remember the last time you actually apologized for a mistake you made. If other people do something to annoy you, you demand that they grovel. Yet you never do.”

“If I make a mistake I apologize,” she said, really pissed off now.

“Give me an example.”

“What?” she demanded.

“When is the last time you sincerely apologized to someone?” She ignored me. “Even if you thought I was wrong by messing around with Kyle, you shouldn’t have been talking about me behind my back. And you sit there in judgment, when you’re not as pure as the driven snow.”

“What are you talking about?” she demanded.

“You really want me to answer that here, in front of everyone?” And now I had her in a catch-22. If she told me not to, then everyone would draw their own conclusions about what she’d done. If she relented, they’d know how badly she’d treated Noah.

She really gave me the evil eye now that she figured out she was trapped. “So now you’re going to go and reveal my secrets?”

“Dude, it’s your call. I’m not going to do to you what you did to me, even though I probably should.” No one said anything; we just ate in an uncomfortable silence.

“Will,” John said, to get my attention. I looked at him to show him he had it. “I’m really sorry about that. We shouldn’t have been talking about you and Kyle at all, and we shouldn’t have been doing it where we could have been overheard. It won’t happen again.” He and I used to be so close, so close that at one time I’d thought he’d be the dude I’d spend my life with, but lately he hadn’t missed a chance to bust my balls, or to show me that he wasn’t in my corner. For the first time in a long time, when he said those words, he said them with sincerity. I began to think that maybe we could actually repair our friendship.

“It’s cool,” I said simply, giving him absolution. Inside I was laughing my ass off at Marie, who still said nothing. John had taken the lead, and had done what he needed to do. Marie sat there, pissed off and glowering, refusing to do the same thing. She all but validated what I said about her complete inability to show remorse.

I hadn’t been paying attention to the others at the table until my aunt spoke up. “I’m not feeling well, Jack,” Aunt Claire said. “I think we should go home.” She was really agitated. I don’t remember ever seeing her quite so upset.

“Sure,” he said, even though they were leaving in the middle of dinner. “Come on,” he said to John and Marie. John looked nervous, but Marie looked relieved. She was probably so embarrassed she was glad to have an escape route. They said perfunctory goodbyes and left.

There was an uncomfortable silence as we all ate, until Stef finally broke it by re-asking his question. “Are you still going to see Kyle?”

“No. I broke it off with him last night,” I said succinctly, hoping that would stop the conversation. I should have known better.

“Seems you already paid the price for it,” Dad said in his jocular way.

“Marie was giving me a bunch of crap about how wrong it is for me to sleep with someone else’s boyfriend. That’s a bunch of bull. It’s not my responsibility to make Kyle be faithful to Erik. I wasn’t forcing him to cheat. I didn’t deserve to get punched over it, and I don’t deserve a bunch of guilt,” I said defiantly.

“Then why did you break up with him?” Grand asked.

“Because I realized that if a guy like Kyle does that, cheats on his boyfriend, he’s an asshole, and that makes him pretty unattractive. Why would I want a dude like that?” Grand smiled softly at me. He wasn’t always the most expressive and demonstrative person, but I knew that soft smile was his look of approval.

“And what about Tony?” Stef asked.

I managed to hide my annoyance at him for bringing Tony up. “That’s different. His girlfriend is a total bitch. So not only do I get to sleep with him, I get to screw her over at the same time.” JJ laughed at that, forcing the others to laugh along with him.

“Is Mom staying in Malibu?” JJ asked, changing the subject.

Dad looked like he was going to try to avoid that question, but with JJ and me both staring at him intently, he seemed to get that he wasn’t able to do that. “She’s considering moving to New Jersey.”

“She just met this woman and she’s ready to move across the country to be with her?” I asked, stunned at her impulsiveness.

“She’s known Hank for a long time,” Dad said. “And she’s from New Jersey. She’s not just running off with someone she just met.”

“That will sure make things more pleasant if I move back to Malibu,” JJ said.

“If you do, are you going back to Harvard-Westlake?” I asked him.

He shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe.” Everyone looked at him, waiting for him to expand on that, so he did, but with an irritated look on his face. “Alistair wants me to, and he says he’ll help me out. I like it there, but it’s freakin’ hard. I don’t know if I want that much pressure when I’m skating.”

“When you withdrew, I had a talk with the headmaster,” Dad said. “If you want to go back, they’ll let you.” I glanced at Grand knowingly. Dad may have talked to the headmaster, but Grand knew him well. If the headmaster let JJ back in, it would be due to Grand’s influence.

“That’s good to know,” JJ said, but I think he already figured out that he had that option. “You could go back with me,” he said to me.

“I’m happy here,” I said sincerely. “Even if I do have to worry about family members slicing me up behind my back.” Grand flinched when I said that. Marie would have to do some work to get back into his good graces. “When’s your next big meet?”

JJ thanked me with his eyes for changing the subject away from his academic endeavors. “The last two big ones I did I competed as a junior,” he said somberly. We all got sad when we thought about that. He hadn’t qualified for the meets in Boston and Bulgaria, but after Shane Jackson committed suicide, he was asked to go in Shane’s place.

“And you kicked ass at those,” I said to encourage him. He had dedicated his performances to Shane’s memory and had done really well.

“Thanks,” he said. “So I want to move up to the seniors, but since I haven’t competed as a senior, they may not let me. I think they will, though, since I did so well in the Nationals and the Worlds.”

“That’s awesome,” I said, even though I didn’t know what that all meant.

“So if they let me, there’s a Worlds meet in Germany in early September, and there’s another in October.”

“Cool. You want me to come watch you?” I asked. We’d had a huge problem last year in Norway when I’d gone with him. He’d been pissed off at me for fucking the other skaters and upstaging him with my dick.

“Can you?” he asked.

“Probably, if you want me to.”

“That would be awesome,” he said, shooting me a big smile, one we rarely saw. I was so happy that he wanted me there.

“I’ll stick to my ‘one skater per day’ pledge,” I said. To try and calm him down in Norway, I’d promised that I would only sleep with one skater per day.

“Sleep with whoever you want,” he said dismissively. “Doesn’t matter to me.”

“Sounds like a fun time,” I said, raising my eyebrows in a slutty way. Stef giggled, of course. As we finished dinner, I kept glancing over at JJ and I couldn’t help but smile at him. We’d been so estranged, and it seemed like we’d worked our way back to where we were not just brothers, but friends again.