9.11 - 7. Chapter 7

June 29, 2001

The sun forced its way through the gap in my curtains and into my eyes, or so it seemed. It was like there was some major conspiracy to wake me up early. I rolled over in my bed languorously, so happy to be back home at Escorial. Today I was going to do the same thing I’d done since I’d gotten back from New Jersey: have a relaxing day, probably indulging in a ride, a workout, and some video game time. If I was lucky, there would be something going on tonight, a party I could hit up. I savored this laziness, knowing that tomorrow we were supposed to fly out to Claremont, Ohio for their big 4^th of July celebration.

I grabbed my cell phone and checked for messages but got nothing. I called Noah and left one for him, since he’d be my first choice of people to hang out with. Another option would by my friend Alex, who was a really cool dude, and one who usually made me laugh. Marie would know if there was a party too, but I wasn’t calling her. I’d talk to Noah first.

Hunger finally won out in the end, and I threw on some clothes and went up to the kitchen for food. The staff smiled at me indulgently and made me a couple of cheeseburgers, which I proceeded to wolf down pretty fast.

“It is nice to have you back,” Stef said, as he breezed into the room and gave me a warm hug. “I just returned last night.” He’d been away on a brief business trip and must have gotten in late.

“It’s nice to be back, although I only have one more day before we have to go to Ohio,” I grumbled. He frowned with me. He was no more excited about going to Claremont than I was. “Dad went down to Malibu, and he’s flying out with Robbie tomorrow.”

“So that means you are flying out with us?” Stef asked.

“If there’s no room, I can stay home,” I joked, getting a chuckle from him.

“It is only you, me, JP, and JJ,” Stef said. “Claire and your grandmother are staying here to finish up planning the Bastille Day party. I think it is just a convenient excuse on their part.”

“We’ll have to work harder on an excuse next year,” I said. “So Marie and John aren’t going either?”

He shook his head. “Evidently they are not going without their parents,” Stef said. “Have you spoken to them?”

“No,” I told him. “I could call John, but I’m not calling Marie.”

“She has not talked to you?”

“Nope,” I said. “I still haven’t gotten an apology for the thing with Erik. That’s a deal breaker.”

“I was under the impression that you had,” he said mysteriously.

“I got nothing,” I said, shaking my head.

“That is too bad,” he said. “How was your time in Rome?”

“Magical,” I said, and felt myself grinning. “Tony and I had a great time. Before we left, he took me to the Pantheon, led me to right underneath the oculus, and told me that he loved me.”

“That is very romantic,” Stef said. He loved shit like that.

“The sun was shining through the oculus and it was hitting us, like it was a big halo surrounding us,” I told him.

“He planned this all out?” Stef asked.

“He did. And then after he told me that he loved me, he told me he was gay.”

“He admitted that?” Stef asked, surprised.

“He did,” I confirmed.

Stef looked worried. “That is quite an admission.”

I nodded. “He really struggled with it. I felt like I was completely out of my league. I mean, what the fuck am I supposed to say to him?”

“I think that all you can do is not pressure him, and be supportive,” Stef said.

“I didn’t pressure him,” I said defensively, then smiled. “I think I handled it better with Tony than I’m doing now, talking to you.”

He chuckled. “So he made this big revelation. What will change?”

“I told him he had to break up with Dana,” I explained to Stef. “He knows it, and he’s supposed to do it this weekend.”

“You do not think he will?” He must have heard the skepticism in my tone.

I sighed. “I think it’s going to be really tough, and she’s really pushy. I asked him if he was going to tell her the truth, that he was gay. I’m pretty sure he’s not going to. So that means she’ll just fight hard to keep him.”

“Is that where you left it?”

“No,” I said. “I told him that he needed to figure out who he was going to tell. His parents, friends, whoever. I told him he could practice on you guys.”

Stef chuckled. “We are not much of a challenge for a young man contemplating coming out.”

“Just to be clear,” I said firmly, “no sleeping with this one.” It was an ongoing joke that Stef couldn’t be trusted alone with men, although sometimes he did cross that line. We both remembered Gathan Hayes, who I’d messed around with, but then Stef had actually fucked. It said a lot about our relationship that as soon as we remembered it, we blew it off and it didn’t matter.

“I will keep my hands off of Tony,” Stef vowed.

“I told him he should talk to Matt and Wade, especially Matt. I told him a little bit about that scene at Thanksgiving when Brian outed him.”

“That is one person for whom I have never mourned,” Stef said, referring to Brian.

“No shit,” I agreed. “So anyway, we didn’t really talk about us until we were ready to leave Rome.”

“And what did you decide?”

“I told him that we couldn’t be a couple, and he agreed. I think when we’re together, we’re together, but when we’re apart, we’re not together.”

“That would appear to be obvious,” he said, teasing me about my poor description. “I understand.”

“When I left Rome last year, saying goodbye to Berto was one of the hardest things I’d done. And all of the promises, the love we professed, seemed to just vanish after I was back in the US. Scott Slater told me that. He said that once the vacation is over, so is the relationship.”

“And you are worried that your relationship with Tony will be the same way?”

“I don’t think it will be the same way, I just think that maybe he was a little more into it, or into me, than he will be when he gets home.”

“You mean the romantic aspects of Rome clouded his judgment?” Stef asked.

“Yeah. The whole environment there just makes you want to love. Now that he’s back, and things are real again, I wonder how much things will change.”

“I think it is likely that they will. I do not know how much they will change though. With Berto, all you had was Rome. With Tony, you were together before you went there.”

“Do you think that now that he’s back, he’ll pretty much just go back to the way things were?”

Stef shrugged. “I do not know.”

“That means he may not dump Dana.”

“I think that will be one of the hardest things he has to do. I am not sure you will gain much by pressuring him about it,” Stef said.

“So what am I supposed to do?”

“I think that you have to be very slow and gentle with Tony,” Stef said. “He will probably come to these realizations in fits and starts.”

“That sucks for me,” I grumbled.

“It can. You must learn to protect yourself from his erratic behavior. It sounds like you both get what you can from your relationship without putting a lot of pressure on each other. I think that is a very good model. I would have been concerned if you had told me you two were an exclusive couple.”

“I really do love him, Stef.” He smiled at me in a knowing way. “I have a feeling this is going to be a pretty long struggle for him.”

“It is a good thing you are not in a hurry. If he did decide that you were the man he wanted to be with forever, that would make things a bit difficult,” he said, teasing me.

“Yeah, but it’s fun to think about that kind of relationship,” I said wistfully.

“Fun to think about, but maybe not to live. I think that if you are going to have a committed relationship like that, you are going to have to do it with someone your own age.” He held up his hand to stop my objections. “I am not saying you are immature, I am saying that it has more to do with being at the same stage in life. If you are both in high school, you have a similar environment. If you are in high school and your boyfriend is in college, it is more difficult.”

“I can see that,” I said. Stef’s phone buzzed and he excused himself, so I took that opportunity to sneak off and go for a ride. I got back and lifted weights, then took a shower. I’d just flopped down in my couch when my phone rang.

“You back in town?” Noah asked as soon as I answered.

“For tonight,” I said. “Any good parties?”

“I’ll check around and see,” he said. He was being pretty crisp on the phone, but that was his way, and he was probably busy.

“Make sure you’re around for the Bastille Day party,” I said.

“How does that work?”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“How do I get in?”

“You show the guard your invitation,” I said. “It spells it all out for you.” The invitation had detailed directions on how to get to Escorial, along with the security protocol.

“I didn’t get an invitation,” he said.

“Really?” I asked. “Dude, I’m so sorry. I’ll check on that.”

“It’s no big deal,” he said. “I gotta run. I’ll check in with you after dinner.” I hung up and uttered a few oaths at the post office under my breath, then went up to find Julian.

“Looking for me?” he asked, flirting with me.

“Dude, I’ve been looking all over for you,” I said. “Do you have a copy of the guest list for the Bastille Day party?”

He opened up an Excel spreadsheet. “It’s right here,” he said.

“Noah Robbins didn’t get an invitation,” I said. “Can we resend him one?”

“Robbins?” Julian asked. I nodded. “He’s not on the list.”

“He’s not on the list? How can that be? I added him myself,” I said.

“He’s not on the list,” Julian said.

“Can you print that out for me?” I asked, fighting back the anger that was threatening to explode from inside me.

“Give me a minute,” he said. He did some formatting, then hit print, spitting out the most recent list of invitees to our party. He stapled it together and handed it to me. “Here you go.”

“You’re sure this is the most recent list?”

He gave me a nasty look. “It is the most recent list.” I could give Julian shit about a lot of things and get away with it, but questioning his efficiency was not one of them.

“Thanks Julian,” I said, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He smiled and blushed, cracking me up. I took the list down to my room, and sure enough, Noah wasn’t on it. Who would take his name off the list? I only put two people on there: Alex and Noah. Who would override my decision? I checked to see if Alex was on there, and he was. Then the reality broke over my brain like a crashing wave. The only person who would have had Noah removed would be Marie. I felt the anger surge, but controlled it as I reviewed the rest of the guest list. When I was done with it, I was even angrier. I had my clock set up to beep when it was almost 7:00, and it went off, reminding me that it was dinnertime.

I grabbed the list and went up to the dining room. Grand sat at one head of the table, with Stef on his right. My father usually sat to Grand’s left, but he wasn’t here, so Uncle Jack sat there, with Aunt Claire next to him. I sat next to Stef, with JJ on the other side of me. Marie and John were across from us. Grandmaman sat at the other head of the table, while Frank was next to her, with JJ on his other side. Stef looked at me with concern, because he could sense the volcano of emotions inside me. “Are you alright?”

“I am not,” I said, trying not to be too loud.

“What is wrong?”

“Pardon me,” I said to him abruptly as I reached across him and set the list down with a figurative thud on top of Grand’s plate. “I would like you to review that,” I said to Grand.

“And what will I be reviewing?” he asked me. His manner was calm, as he tried to warn me to mimic his demeanor, but I was so beyond my ability to do that.

“That is the guest list for the Bastille Day party,” I said.

“Is there a problem with it?” he asked.

“There are a number of problems with the list,” I said. I took my eyes off of him and scanned the table. Marie, Aunt Claire, and Grandmaman all looked nervous.

“If there are problems, I’m sure we can fix them,” Aunt Claire said smoothly.

“Perhaps, but what the problems expose is a much bigger issue, one that is much harder to fix,” I said to her so firmly it was almost rude.

“Enlighten us,” Grand said fatalistically.

“You will note the list is in alphabetical order. I would like you to find the page with the ‘D’s on it,” I said to him. I was so pissed off, there was probably steam coming out of my ears. I found that I was talking through clenched teeth.

“I am there.”

“Do you see an entry for Delgado?” He nodded. “And within that grouping, do you see Erik’s name?” Grand looked at the list, and then looked at me, then back at the list again. His brows furrowed as he got angry too.

“Is that not the young man who broke your nose?” Stef asked.

“Yes, that is the young man who broke my nose. Yet he is still on the guest list,” I said. “A dude comes up here and punches me, breaks my nose, sends me to the hospital, and somehow manages to get invited to our Bastille Day party?”

“The Delgados have been guests of ours for years now,” Grandmaman said. Everyone stared at Grand, waiting for him to digest the situation and make a decision.

“They will no longer be guests of ours,” Grand said firmly. “They are not welcome here.”

“JP, we cannot just uninvite them,” Grandmaman objected. “That would be rude.”

“If they have an issue with that, you can explain to them that their failure to teach their son to curb his violent ways resulted in their exclusion,” he said. “The fact that Will did not yet press charges for that altercation may alleviate any outrage they feel they have a right to.” Neither Grandmaman nor Aunt Claire liked that decision, but they didn’t say anything. I got the feeling that they had internalized Marie’s outrage that I’d actually slept with Kyle in the first place.

“I would like to ask you to turn to the ‘W’s,” I instructed Grand, moving on to the next issue.

He flipped through the pages. “What am I looking for here?”

“You’ll find the name Watkins there, and you’ll see the name Carter Watkins in the grouping below that,” I said. “Evidently no one remembers that he’s the dude that attacked Darius.”

Grand put the list down and stared first at Grandmaman, then at Aunt Claire. “Carmella Watkins has also been a regular attendee at our parties,” Aunt Claire said hastily, trying to explain the situation. “Carter is her son. She knows Stef and Brad quite well.”

“We are friendly competitors,” Stef noted. “There is no deep bond between us. And certainly nothing that would compel us to invite their son to our party.”

“It appears we will have to uninvite them as well,” Grand said.

“I think that is unreasonable,” Grandmaman objected. “If we want to not invite them next year, that is fine, but to go back and uninvite them for this year is embarrassing to them and to us.”

“And that is more important than watching out for family members?” I asked her loudly. It was the first time I’d ever defied Grandmaman like that. I think the other people around the table were more surprised at that than she was. “What happens when Carter Watkins starts another fight with Darius, or Erik comes at me again? Or is that OK?”

“Will,” Stef said, warning me to calm down.

“I’m surprised that Darius and I are still on the list. Wouldn’t it just be easier to remove us?” I asked them. I turned to Grand. “Can you check the ‘S’s and see if we’re still there.”

“That is unreasonable,” Grandmaman said.

“Is it?” I asked rhetorically. “How come none of you had my back? How come none of you had Darius’ back? You weren’t watching out for us at all. Why?”

“That is a very good question,” Grand said forcefully. “Before we address that, I would like to know if there are other issues with this list.”

“Will you please turn to the ‘R’s?” I asked Grand. He flipped through the pages, and then nodded to acknowledge that he was there. “Find Noah Robbins.”

Grand thumbed through the pages. “I don’t see his name.”

“I put two people on the list, and Noah was one of them. For some reason, his name was deleted, and no one bothered to tell me about it, or to tell me why,” I said.

“Why was Noah not invited?” Grand asked. No one said anything. “There is no valid reason for this?”

“He made Marie uncomfortable,” Aunt Claire said nervously, clearly embarrassed by this whole situation.

“Why?” I demanded. Marie glared at me. “Tell them why Noah makes you uncomfortable.”

“I’m not going to talk about that,” she said, making it seem like he was doing something pervy to her. If it would have been left there, all of the people at the table would have had a horrible impression of Noah.

“The reason Noah makes Marie uncomfortable is because when he’s around, she has to look at him and acknowledge how badly she treated him,” I said. “The only thing he ever did to you was to ask you to go with him to the last dance of the year. What a horrible thing to do. Horrible! We should run him out of town on a rail for having the balls to do something that awful.”

“So now you’re going to tell everyone my secrets?”

“Well, since you never bothered to apologize for telling Erik about Kyle and me, I figure this will make us even,” I said.

“You didn’t apologize?” Aunt Claire asked, horrified.

“I haven’t had a chance,” Marie snapped. There was a lull in the conversation, as we waited for her to do just that, but she said nothing.

“It appears that is to be the tradeoff, then,” Aunt Claire said, giving me approval to explain what happened.

“Noah asked Marie to the dance, and she told him she couldn’t go with him because she was going to be out of town,” I said. “Instead of telling him the truth, that she didn’t want to go with him, that she just wanted to be friends with him, she lied to him.” My Uncle Jack got visibly pissed when I called her a liar, but I was beyond caring. “Only Marie did go to the dance, with Kevin Meeney. So when Noah went anyway, with a bunch of friends, he showed up to find Marie making out with Kevin on the dance floor. It definitely looked like you were in town.”

“I wasn’t making out with him,” Marie spat. No one believed her.

“At Christmas, we gave Noah one of those medals telling him what a good friend he was,” I said to Stef. “Yet we don’t invite him because Marie can’t stand to look him in the eye after the way she treated him. Seems to me that we’re the ones who aren’t good friends.”

“It seems reasonable that if a family member is uncomfortable with another person, that we not invite that person,” Grand said.

“I see,” I said sarcastically. “So it’s OK for someone to be physically violent with me and Darius. That’s not a problem at all. No problem whatsoever. We’ll be happy to invite them to our party. Hey Carter and Erik, come on in. Make yourselves at home! Hell, kick their asses again!” I was losing it now, but I was too pissed off to stop. “But Marie screws some guy over, and he can’t go because she’s uncomfortable? Seriously?”

“I’ll thank you to watch your volume,” Grand snapped at me. He was mad about that, but he was even angrier at the situation.

“Sometimes voices need to be loud. Sometimes voices need to be strong,” I said. “This is one of those times.”

“I fail to see how any of these events justify you treating me and my home with such disrespect,” Grand said imperiously.

“Then let me explain it to you. There’s another possible explanation as to why Carter Watkins and Erik Delgado were invited, but Noah Robbins was not.” Grand and I locked eyes, almost a physical tug of war, with him demanding that I calm down, and me being completely unable to do that. “The Watkins and the Delgados are wealthy and influential families. The Robbins are middle class. I guess that means the Robbins are discardable. Unimportant.”

“You’re calling me a snob?!” Aunt Claire demanded, outraged. I said nothing; I just let it sit there.

“It has been noted that the Delgados and the Watkinses have been guests of ours for years,” Grand said. “I would suspect that their inclusion has more to do with habit than malice.” He was grasping at straws now, so I called him on it.

“That’s a bunch of crap,” I said. “Because even if you’re right, that means that the people looking at this list didn’t give a shit about me and my brothers. The people creating and editing this list didn’t care enough about us to watch out for us. So either they’re snobs, or they’ve decided that we’re just like so much trash that can be tossed out. They’ve decided we don’t matter. That’s what you’re saying.”

“We’re not snobs,” Uncle Jack asserted.

“How many people on that list are middle class or poorer?” I asked him. “How many?!”

“If you cannot keep your volume at a respectable level, and you cannot have a civilized discussion, you can leave this room,” Grand said, and he was really mad now.

I stood up. “That’s right,” I said in my snarkiest way. “We have to dress pretty, look beautiful, and speak in muted tones with perfect grammar. Because all that matters is what’s on the outside. Dig past the surface, and you find a rotten core, but as long as all is perfect on the outside, there’s no problem.” I pulled out my chair, stepped around it, and pushed it in. I took off my signet ring, the one Grand and Stef had given us at Christmas. They’d made a big deal about it, and about how it was supposed to tie us all together. “This ring was supposed to be a symbol of family unity. It was supposed to be a sign that we were a team, and that we’d watch out for each other.” I dropped it on the table with a thud. “It’s really just a big lie.”

“It was a simple oversight,” Grandmaman said.

“Do you believe that?” I asked Grand.

“Family is more than just a guest list to a party,” Jack said.

I kept my eyes on Grand. “When you think about family, ask yourself this. If my brothers and I aren’t on that plane to Claremont tomorrow, how many of your grandchildren will be at the festival? And if my brothers and I had stayed home last year, how many of your grandchildren would have been there with you then?” There was a brief lull as Grand digested that.

“I have appreciated the time you took to support the work we’ve done to revitalize Claremont,” Grand said smoothly. That was his way of calling Jack, Claire, Marie, and John out for totally bailing on Claremont and their past.

I zeroed in on my Aunt Claire, who sat there fuming at me. “I have a question for you.” She said nothing. “My father and Robbie spend a lot of time and effort working on rebuilding Claremont. They drag us there to important events, to show that we’re still involved even though we live in California. I don’t recall seeing you, or John, or Marie there.”

“What’s your question?” Jack snapped, sticking up for his beleaguered wife, and himself.

“I wonder what Tonto would think of all this,” I said, referring to my great-grandmother, a woman who was an indomitable fighter for the rights of others, and for the city she lived in. “I wonder what she’d say about a guest list limited only to the wealthiest people in town, and one that included people who had personally harmed members of her family. I wonder what she’d say about family members who didn’t remember their roots, and didn’t bother to show any support or any solidarity with a cause like that. I wonder how she’d feel about people who just spit on her legacy.” My statement didn’t just impact Aunt Claire; it impacted everyone at that table.

“I suspect that what she had to say would not make for a very pleasant conversation,” Stef said. No one had really noticed him before; he’d stayed in the background. But now that he’d spoken, it was clear that he was quite upset as well. “And I suspect that the conversation would not be unlike the one we are currently having.”

JJ hadn’t said anything the entire time I’d been ranting, but he stood up just as I had, took off his ring, and dropped it on the table next to mine. Without saying anything, he turned on his heel and walked out of the room, and even though the gesture surprised me, I pulled myself together enough to walk out right behind him. I followed him back to his room.

“You want to go get something to eat?” I asked. We hadn’t eaten any dinner because we’d been too busy fighting.

“I’m going back to Malibu,” he announced. He took out his suitcase and started packing.

“Let me get my stuff together and I’ll go with you,” I said. I called the garage and asked one of the guys there to take us to the airport, and then I went to grab a few things. JJ tended to travel with a lot of stuff. He usually took a long time to pack. But he showed up in my room no more than ten minutes later with his bag.

We walked up to the foyer and found Armando, one of the drivers, waiting for us. “I can put those in the car for you,” he said.

“Thanks,” I said. We heard heated voices from the dining room. I so didn’t want to go back in there, but to leave without saying anything would be rude to Stef, and he, of all the people in that room, was the one person I didn’t want to be rude to. I pulled out my phone and tried to call him, but he didn’t answer, so I braved the storm and walked back into the room. They all stopped talking when I did. “Can I see you for a moment?” I asked Stef.

“Certainly,” he said. He stood up and tossed his napkin on his plate, a sure sign he was angry, and strode out of the dining room.

“We’re going down to Malibu. We didn’t want to leave without telling you first,” I said.

“You are leaving now?” he asked.

“Yes,” JJ said firmly.

“You are going to Claremont tomorrow?” he asked.

“No,” JJ said. “John and Marie can go for a change.” With that, he walked out the door.

“How are you getting to Malibu?” Stef asked.

“We can go to San Jose and catch a flight, or charter a flight in Paly. I’ll call on the way.”

“Take my plane,” he said. “I will call the pilots. You may have to wait for them.”

“Thanks, Stef,” I said. He nodded and pulled out his phone as I got into the car for the brief ride to the airport.

“Dude, Dad is gonna kick your ass,” JJ said.

“Dad’s gonna kick someone’s ass on this one, but it won’t be mine,” I said.

“You were a total dick,” he said.

“Was I wrong?”

“No, but you were a total dick.”

I nodded. “Sometimes you have to be a total dick. Once I figure out who I fucked over, I’ll try to make it right. In the meantime, I made my points.”

“Marie should learn how to do that,” he said.

“Maybe she will,” I said hopefully.