Cards on the Table - 20. Chapter 20 Bridge

Cards on the Table

Chapter 20

Carson was feeling a little dopey, but also blessed. Three days had passed since the operation and the doctors were more than pleased with his progress. Carson was too. He felt whole on many levels. His body had not betrayed him after all. It had given him a second chance. So had his family. With Kendall back in the fold, Agnes had come alive again. She was just as beautiful now as she’d been twenty-nine years ago, and he considered himself a very lucky man. In spite of the numerous screw-ups he’d committed throughout their life together, actions and behaviors that had caused her pain, she was still at his side. She still loved him and forgave him his weaknesses, and that gave him the strength he needed.

Having Kendall back in their lives had filled an emptiness that had threatened to swallow them both, separately and together. His absence had almost torn them apart. The boy had become a man, and that was a process he and Agnes never should have missed out on. The responsibility for that though, rested solely with him, and he accepted the truth of it. He’d considered the start of Kendall’s transformation… one that began as a teenager, to be an affront to him as a father. In hindsight, he should have taken pride in the sheer will of the boy, instead of being threatened by it. There was a distorted part of Carson that had considered Kendall’s independence from him as something highlighting a weakness in Carson, who’d never had what it would've taken to break away from his own father. As much as he hated to admit it, he’d resented his son for being stronger and more resilient than he was. Kendall may have bent at times to appease his father, but he had never once broken, and Carson now felt the shame of trying to break him in the first place. It was petty and heartless, and so like what his own father had done to him. The difference was that his father had succeeded.

A chill went through him at the thought he’d been as hard on Kendall, in his own way, as Delroy had been on Earl. If Delroy had been there for Earl, had accepted him and not tried to change him, they would both be alive today. That awful wave of sadness threatened to swamp him once again, but he shook it off.

So many fucked-up mistakes, yet Kendall still loved him enough to give him another chance, and that was something he would never take for granted again. Despite those fuck-ups, Kendall had become a man and a son to be proud of. He was good and decent, caring and thoughtful, and best of all, strong enough to let go of the past for the sake of his family. Carson’s new lease on life wasn’t just from beating the cancer, at least for now… it was also because he had his son and his wife back, maybe more so than he’d ever had them before… and he had an amazing new son to thank for that. Carson smiled to himself at the thought of having another big bruiser for a son.

The door to his new room slowly opened and Kendall and Michael walked in, all smiles at the sight of Carson. He was sitting slightly upright, and had to be looking more alert than the previous evening.

“Hey, Dad, how are you feeling this morning?” Kendall approached one side of the bed as Michael went around to the other, propping his crutches against the wall and sitting in the chair at Carson’s bedside

“Good morning, Pop.”

“Good morning, boys... where is your mother?” Carson looked at the door expectantly.

“She’ll be here soon. She took Aunt Tessa to the doctor’s. She shouldn’t be contagious anymore, but she’s still having a little trouble breathing. Once the doctor says she’s okay, Tessa will finally be allowed to come visit you if she wears a mask; Mom will probably bring her along with her later. So, you look a lot more with it… are you feeling better?” Kendall sat down across from his partner.

“Yes, I am... a lot better. I’m controlling my own pain medication now with this button here, so my head doesn’t feel as sluggish… I just feel sort of floaty, but I can think clearly now, well, clearly for me,” Carson joked. “Dr. Bojani has already been by… he tells me I’m healing better than expected. There’s no leakage or sign of infection, so he’s talking about getting me up and moving a little bit in the next couple of days.”

“That’s terrific news, Pop. Mom will be very happy to hear that when she gets here. She’s been really excited about how well you’re healing… we all are.” Michael looked at Carson with a caring that still surprised Carson. This was a hell of a good guy his son had picked as his partner, and Carson liked everything about him. He was genuine, and it was easy to see he’d do anything for Kendall.

“Thanks, Michael. I think I should talk to you two before she does get here, anyway. This is as good a time as any.” Carson watched the shared look between his boys. They communicated with those looks all the time; he had picked up on that from the very beginning, when they first sat across from him in the den the day they’d arrived.

“Okay, we’re listening. What’s up? What do you want to talk to us about?” Kendall’s and Michael’s expressions told him he had their undivided attention.

“Look, I don’t want to overstep, so if you think I am, just tell me and I’ll back off, okay?”

Kendall and Michael exchanged another one of those communicate-without-talking looks, and both nodded agreement.

Carson took a deep breath. “I have no idea what your long-range plans are, and I don’t want you to think I’m interfering, but I want to make you an offer.”

That caused Kendall to raise his eyebrows as Michael stared at Carson impassively.

“The thing is… things are looking good for me now, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I’m not being morbid or pessimistic, but Dr. Bojani has been very clear about bowel cancer having a high incidence of returning. That’s why the need for chemo and radiation. Now, just bear with me because I have a lot to say. Agnes is the happiest I’ve seen her in years, and I don’t want to see that change. She deserves to be happy, and you two are the biggest reason for it, so I want to propose something. I know you live in an apartment now, and I know that suits you guys for the time being.” Carson, despite the medication, was starting to feel nervous.

“Listen, Pop, you can make any proposal you want to us. We know it’ll be coming from a good place. Don’t you worry about offending us or overstepping, okay? Just go ahead and tell us.”

“Thank you for saying that, Michael. The thing is, whether I survive for the long term or not, I would like for Agnes to be able to visit you boys whenever she wants… well, whenever it’s convenient for you. I mean, I know she can stay at a hotel when she visits, but knowing my wife, she would be happiest if she was with you guys… staying with you.”

“Please, don’t worry about that. We can make room for mom anytime. I have a futon in my office that folds down, and you can both visit whenever you want to, right, Ace?”

“Absolutely. We can always make room… there’s no issue with that. We could even sleep in the living room when you visit because that futon is ancient." He grinned at Kendall. "We have a bed in there now anyways. Either way, there’s options, so no worries.”

“I appreciate what you’re saying, boys, and I know you mean it, but you two need your privacy, and if your mom, or if your mom and I came for a visit, we wouldn’t want to feel in the way.” Carson held up his hand at the objections he saw coming. “Here’s where I might be overstepping, because I don’t know if you’ve even considered it. Whatever you decide, your mother and I can make do, but I need to say this. I know you guys are totally committed to one another. Any idiot can see that… you're meant to be together, so if you decide to take a next step and want to buy your own house, I would like to contribute.” Kendall and Michael shared stunned looks.

“Have you boys ever talked about that?” Carson watched them shake their heads as they continued to stare at one another. “Well, have either of you thought about it? I know it’s not my business so you don’t have to answer; we can end the conversation here and now if I’ve made you uncomfortable?” Carson wasn’t even sure they heard him say the last part, they were so focused on each other, one on either side of him.

“I’ve thought about it.” Carson knew Kendall wasn’t talking to him.

“I’ve thought about it too, Babe… a lot. It’s something I really want.” The look they were giving each other made Carson feel like he was intruding, but he was mesmerized by the current he could feel between them.

“Me too,” Kendall’s smile was laced with a longing even his father could see. “Do you think we’re ready for something like this?”

Michael’s smile slid slyly across his face, as if he was sharing a secret with his guy. “I’ve been ready since I woke up at my parents,’ finally knowing I was completely in love with you.”

Carson was captivated when Kendall teared up. He followed suit despite the pain meds, as he witnessed something beautiful and touching happen right in front of him, thankful that with all he’d missed in the past, he was able to be part of this moment in his son’s life.

“This was always a part of my dream for a life I thought would never be mine, Sunshine.” Kendall’s focus on Micheal shifted to his dad, and he blushed, causing a teary Michael to laugh as he looked at Carson. He laughed harder at the emotion spilling out of Carson’s gray-blue eyes.

“Aren’t we a sappy bunch? Look, Pop’s as bad as we are." Michael’s laugh was infectious, and Carson sheepishly joined him and Kendall as the intensity of the moment collapsed into hilarity. It was worth the discomfort in his abdomen to share a laugh like this, but he pushed the meds button that was now out of the sight of his two sons.

The laughter finally ended, until Carson uttered, “Don’t tell your mother about this,” and that set them all off again. It took another little while, but they finally got calmed down and under control, with Kendall and Michael sharing ‘secret’ looks that didn’t get by Carson… he just pretended he didn’t see them. He needed to stop laughing though, at least until the increased medicine kicked in.

“Okay, I guess that answers your question, but there is no reason for you to contribute. This is something Michael and I can work out on our own, and no, you didn’t overstep… but this is something that is between us."

“Kendall’s right. There’s no need for you to contribute to us buying our own home. We’ll make sure we have plenty of room for you and mom, but thank you for bringing it up. It was something we needed to talk about.”

Carson sighed, almost dejectedly. “Look, boys, I understand, but I really want to contribute, for a few reasons. I’m not trying to buy your love. God knows why, with the things I’ve done, but I know I do have that. Kendall… I have a confession to make, and I should have told you this sooner, but I was a stubborn ‘prick’ as you and Dixon would say. I had a college fund for you.” That statement really surprised Kendall, and Carson knew what he was likely thinking. He's pushed the kid hard to save money for college, and he'd had taken him seriously, working nights and weekends. The look on his face worried Carson, but he forged ahead. “I was going to surprise you with it, but when you chose to go to college in Ontario, and wouldn’t listen to me at all, I got pissed off and stubborn, so I never told you. I figured if you were going to go against my wishes, then you could do it on your own. I think I knew you were trying to get far away from me, and I ended up acting like a spoiled child. I’m so sorry, son.”

The quietness of Kendall’s voice was disturbing. The calmness didn’t match the words. “Do you have any idea how tough it was for me to make ends meet for all those years? I had to work all through college, and I did without a lot. Thank god for Michael’s parents, who fed me, and always sent me back to college with a care package every time I visited.” Kendall shook his head, got up, and walked out of the room.

Carson looked devastated, and for a few seconds Michael was torn. “I’m sorry, Pop… Kendall needs me. I’ll talk to him, don’t worry, okay?” Carson gave an almost imperceptible nod, and Michael was out the door, the crutches in no way slowing him down.

Michael caught up with him at the elevator, Kendall’s eyes never moving from staring straight ahead when Michael grabbed his hand and squeezed it. It wasn’t till they got outside the hospital entrance into the sharply cold air, that a word was spoken.

“That bastard. He fucked me over royally, and I had no idea.” Kendall then turned into his partner’s waiting arms and tried to burrow into him while seeking the familiarity of Michael’s comfort, Michael’s scent. “All those years I struggled alongside those students who had their parents’ help… their support. I had nothing. So many nights I had to stay up all night after work to study and do my homework.”

“You had me, Babe. You always had me, and you always will have me. And you still managed to graduate at the top of the class. That’s just another example of how fucking incredible you are.”

“Absolutely, you were always there for me, lifting me up whenever I needed it. You always knew what to say and do, and you’re still doing the same thing for me. So what are you going to tell me this time?” They were holding onto one another, not caring about the people walking by.

“I’m not going to tell you anything. I do want to ask you something though. Are you still afraid to trust the new Carson?”

Kendall looked confused by the question. “Why are you asking me that?”

“Because, Babe. Is what he did so out of character from what you remember of the old one? Isn’t it the kind of thing you would have expected from him?” Michael leaned back to look in his eyes.

“Yeah, I guess it is… it’s typical of the old Carson. So what’s your point?” Kendall was deep in thought and that’s where Michael wanted him.

“I don’t have a point. I just want to know if you are angry or scared… scared of trusting your dad?”

“What does it matter?”

Michael heard the frustration, but pushed on. “It matters, because this whole week has been stressful for you, and I think now that things are looking okay, you’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop. You’ve been waiting for the miserable ‘prick’ to show up, because you expect him to hurt you again.” Michael wasn't sure if he was reaching Kendall or not.

“I don’t know. You could be right. Keep talking.”

“Okay. I don’t think you’re angry. I think part of you wants to believe the worst, so you jumped at the chance to run because you don’t want to be vulnerable again. But that wasn’t the old Carson I saw in there. That was the Pop I’ve gotten to know, and he was opening up even more to you. He told you something he was really ashamed of… something he wants to make amends for. You’ve been amazing about letting go of the past, and he just showed you a little more of the same past.”

“Shit, I screwed up, didn’t I?”

“No, you didn’t screw up at all. You’re human. You just needed some time to work through this. It was a big surprise. If you’re up to it, we should go back and fix this before mom gets here. We don’t want her getting stressed over you and your dad, okay? That’s if you’re ready?”

Mindful of his crutches, Kendall pulled Michael back in for a fiercely loving hug. “Thank you, big guy. Love you.”

“Ditto, Babe.”

When they got back to the room, Carson’s eyes were closed. He wasn’t sleeping. He was worried that his revelation had ruined whatever progress he and Kendall had made. He too, was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He listened to them as they returned to their previous seats. Opening his eyes to face the music, he saw two concerned faces looking at him.

“I’m sorry, Dad, for taking off on you. I shouldn’t have done that.” The sheen in his son’s red-rimmed eyes was noticeable, and his guilt rose even more.

“I don’t blame you for being angry. It was an awful thing I did, for an awful reason. You have every right to judge me for it… I should have given you that college fund no matter how I felt. Even when I thought it was too late, I still should have done it. I was such an asshole.”

“Actually, I wasn’t angry, so don’t go beating yourself up about it. I thought I was pissed, but Michael explained it to me… well made me see the truth of it… that I was scared. I think I’ve been waiting for the old Carson to show up now that you’re better… but I don’t think it was fair of me. Michael pointed out how you were opening up to me, the way you have been since I came back home. I don’t want to be looking for things no longer there, so I’m sorry. I’ll learn to trust you, I promise. I want us to leave the past in the past, where it belongs.”

Carson studied Kendall first, and then Michael. This was not at all what he’d expected. He had fully intended to do whatever it took to stay on track with his son, including grovelling. There was no way he was going to let his family slip away again. Yet here was Kendall apologizing to him. He’d made his life so much harder than it should have been for his college years, all because he thought he might have a way to control him. He’d realized pretty quickly that it wouldn’t work, yet he still kept the money a secret. He felt doubly shamed now. And thankful once again for Michael's presence in their lives.

“I want the same thing. I’m ashamed of the things I’ve done in the past, but I just want to move forward, and that’s why I really want to contribute to any house you two might buy. The money belongs to you, and it would be a real sign of moving forward for me, a small way of making up for leaving you out in the cold like I did. I’ve been contributing to it every month. I never stopped, even after you left for college, and it amounts to about forty-two thousand dollars as of last month’s statement… it’s not a lot, but it would give you a reasonable down-payment if you don’t set your sights too high.”

Kendall's shock was clear, and Michael looked at him with a combination of something like incredulity and amusement.

“Babe, don’t forget to breathe.”

“What?”

“You looked like you stopped breathing there. Are you okay?”

“Yeah… yeah, ah, Dad… that’s a lot of money for someone on a cop’s salary. I don’t understand… how did you save... forty-two thousand dollars?”

“I started saving when you were ten, and it’s made decent returns on investment. It’s really not that much. Since I paid the house off last year, I was able to save more. So, will you accept it from your mother and I? You would make us very happy if you did. It should make it possible for you to buy a better house.”

“I don’t get why it’s so important to you. Can you explain that to me?” Kendall’s question came with a very direct stare and Carson flinched a bit before he returned it.

“You know how you said you were having trouble trusting me… this new thing between us?”

“Yeah,” he said with a sigh. “It’s so different from how things used to be.”

“Okay, so I’m kind of in the same boat, like it’s hard to believe you can forgive the things I've done, and maybe one day you’re going to wake up and want to get away from me again. Look what just happened when something from the past did come up. That’s why this would go a long way towards making it real for me. It would help me believe you really do forgive me, because I know how proud you are. So, if you accept your money, it would be like you really are accepting me… and when I told your mother about the fund last Tuesday, and what I wanted to propose to you, she told me I better make sure you agree to take it.” He chanced a grin at that, the increased meds making it a rather sleepy one.

“Okay, so what you’re saying is you’re afraid of mom. Never thought I’d hear that.” Kendall laughed, and the tension broke. Carson watched him share another look with a smiling Michael.

“All right, Dad, we’ll accept just so you won’t get in trouble with Mom.”

“Thank God, and thank you, boys… that woman does scare me sometimes.” The three men had another chuckle, but they all knew Carson wasn’t really kidding. The balance of power had definitely shifted.

Carson drifted off to sleep with a happy countenance, finally succumbing to the pull of his medication. He felt like he and Kendall had weathered another crisis, and he was content, the reassurance of it keeping him company as he let slumber overtake him.

Kendall watched his father for a while, thinking through their contentious visit. He, too, was satisfied with how it had turned out. His father had surprised him once again. Regardless of keeping the college fund a secret, he'd still loved Kendall enough to keep it going for all these years. It was a significant sign Carson had never truly given up on him. He had to have been in his father’s thoughts throughout the years they had cut themselves off from one another. He shook his head at the strangeness of it all. No doubt about it; his family had traveled a weird, even unfathomable path, yet here they were, building something entirely different from anything they’d had before. Looking at the man, sleeping so peacefully, the only thing he knew for certain was they both wanted to make this new family work, and his Michael had no small part in making it happen. Who would have thought?

Kendall looked up to see Michael watching him intently. He could swear the man knew exactly what he was thinking, and he loved that Michael knew him so well. He owed him everything for getting them all to this point. It was time to give something back. He motioned for them to go out into the hallway, and Michael was quick to react.

“Thank you, for saving me from making a mistake once again,” he spoke softly.

“I didn’t do anything. You would have gotten there before too long, but that’s what I’m here for. We’re in this together,” he said while leaning back against the wall, his pelvis thrust forward.

Kendall felt a twinge in his cock at the incredible sexiness of his man, which he did his best to ignore in the somewhat busy passageway. “Yes, we are, and I think it’s time we took a day for ourselves. Mom and maybe Tessa will be here soon and dad is sleeping, likely for a good while, so I think we should make a day of it. The worst is over and we… you deserve a break from all the drama. What do you think of maybe going for a workout… then lunch and an afternoon movie, before we come back to spend some time with Dad. What do you say… just the two of us?” Kendall looked at Michael expectantly.

“Well, you’re right. Pop is sleeping and Mom should arrive soon, and she’ll be here all afternoon. I just have one question.” The corner of his lip curled up in a way that made Kendall tingle. “Are you talking about a gym workout?” Michael’s tongue snaked out and licked his lips, “or are you talking about a bedroom workout at an empty house, because I’m all for one of those?” The sexually charged look on Michael’s face caused heat to rise for Kendall in two different places, and both were obvious. It had been a few days, and Kendall felt the ache in his balls increase at Michael’s blatantly suggestive question.

“My answer would be… I like the way you think, Sunshine. Let’s get the fuck out of here. I think it’s going to be a very late lunch.”

Michael looked downward and smirked. “Looks like you’re all ready to serve lunch now, Babe. I think I’m gonna want to have seconds,” he whispered, as they adjusted their coats, and headed quickly down the hallway. Michael had no trouble keeping up, and this was one time Kendall wasn’t going to tell him to slow down.