Daydreamers - 8. Chapter 8

I couldn't do it. I don't know why, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him that I was gay too and that I really liked him. What if he didn't like me back? I couldn't take that. I still can't believe I didn't tell him, though. Maybe I should've told him, so I could put myself out of my misery.

I walked upstairs and into my new room, which is Ty's room. Ty was already in there. When I walked in, he looked at me with disappointment in his eyes. I put my head down and walked over to the futon. I pulled it out and spread out on it.

"Why didn't you come out like everyone else?" asked Ty.

"I'm not ready for that," I said, not looking at him.

"Alex, our little brother, came out and you're not ready to come out. That's bullshit. You're just scared."

I sat up. "What?"

"You heard me. You're a little chicken shit," said Ty. "The guy of your dreams tells you he's gay in front of everyone and you still can't work up the courage to even say ‘me too'. In my book, that makes you a chicken shit."

"Fuck you, Tyler. You have no idea what's going on up here," I said, pointing to my head. "This shit is hard for me. I'm not like you. It's hard for me to be proud of something that I don't understand."

"This is typical Sam Sullivan," said Ty. "You're always over thinking shit. He really likes you. I can tell. You just need to suck it up and tell him that you like him too."

"What if you're wrong?" I asked, scared.

"I'm never wrong." Ty always had confidence. I wish I was confident. "Look, if you don't say something to him, eventually, I will."

"What do you mean?"

"If you don't tell him you like him, I'll tell him for you. I'm not gonna be your confidante while you bitch and moan about how much you like him, but you're too afraid to tell him."

He was pissing me off, but I knew that he wasn't playing around. I also knew that he was just trying to get me to get over my fear of rejection by pushing me off the cliff. That's why he's such a good brother.

"Look, maybe I'll talk to him tomorrow."

"Maybe?" Ty asked.

"I'm not as confident as you, Ty. When I'm around him, I get all shaky and I can hardly think. He makes me nervous."

"Wow, you really like him."

I knew that Tyler was a really insightful person, so this revelation didn't surprise me, but something else did surprise me. This was the first time that I realized that I did really like Travis. It wasn't just a crush. It wasn't just physical attraction.

I lay my head back down on my pillow. Tyler saw that I was bummed and didn't take it any further. It was quiet in our room for a while. I just lay on the futon looking at the ceiling. Tyler was doing something, but I don't know what. Then, out of nowhere, he started to talk again. But this time, there was more vulnerability in his voice.

"Sam?"

"Yeah," I said.

"If I tell you something, can you promise me you won't tell anyone else; not even Alex."

Now I was curious and worried at the same time. So I sat up and looked him in the eyes. "Yeah, I promise. What is it?"

"Well, you know how I have that fake ID?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I've been using it to get into this gay club just outside of town and...and I met this guy. He's in college and I really like him. I can just feel that it's something special with him."

"Wow, really? That's great. Isn't it? You don't sound too happy about it."

"It's Julian."

"What?!" I couldn't believe what he was saying.

"I didn't know he was Ryan's friend. We just...we just connected. We didn't even tell each other our last names."

"You're kidding me right? You're not seriously telling me that you're into Ryan's best friend."

"I really like him, Sam. And he likes me too."

"Are you gonna tell Ryan?" I asked.

"No! Are you crazy? Did you see how he reacted when Alex came and I came out? Could you imagine what he would do if he found out his best friend has been pursuing a relationship with his underage brother?"

"Okay, maybe you're right, but you can't keep it a secret forever. Eventually he's gonna find out whether or not you tell him and he's gonna be even more pissed off if it comes from someone besides you or Julian."

"Who would it come from? The only one I've told is you and you're not gonna tell him, right?"

"Right," I said.

"Okay," said Ty.

I promised Ty that I wouldn't say anything to anybody, but Julian wasn't anybody was he? After all, he was the other side of the relationship that Tyler was talking about. So, I waited until I had the opportunity for him and me to be alone. Ryan was with my mom on an errand. Tyler was out with his friend Pete. Alex was with Brian and Kyle was at soccer practice. Julian and I were in the living room. He was reading and I was watching television.

"Tyler told me about you two," I said. He put down his book.

"He did?" He seemed calmer than I expected.

"Yeah," I said.

"What did he say?"

"He said that you two liked each other. He said that you met and didn't know who each other were."

"That's right. But I think that even if I knew who he was...it's hard for me not to feel the way that I feel about him."

"And what's that?" I asked. I kind of felt the need to make sure he wasn't jerking my brother around.

"I feel like I have a connection to him that I've never felt with anyone else. I can't really explain it other than that."

"Look, I'm glad that you both feel like this, but you better not be jerking my brother around or it's gonna be world war three in the Sullivan house."

Julian smiled. I don't know why. I wasn't joking. I'm not a physical or violent person, but when it comes to any of my brothers, I will fight to the death if I have to.

"It's cute that you're so protective of him, but you don't have to worry. Whatever this is between Tyler and I...it's pure. I can feel it."

I felt that I could trust Julian with Tyler. His words seemed genuine and that was good enough for me.

"Now that that's out of the way; can I have your advice about something?" I asked.

"Um...okay," he smiled.

"Um, have you ever been afraid to tell someone that you like them?"

"Of course," he said.

"Do you think that fear ever goes away?"

"Well, if you get to know the person well enough, I guess. But, I'm gay, so there's also the fact on whether or not the guy I like is gay or straight." Julian was really helpful. "But you're straight, I assume, so I guess if the girl you like is free, there shouldn't be a real reason for you to be scared."

Would Julian be the second person that I tell that I'm gay. I hardly know the guy, but he's so close to both of my brothers that he might as well be my brother too. But it's just so hard to tell people. I don't know why.

"It's Travis," I blurted.

"Oh..." He seemed a little surprised. "Well...he's gay too. You should take a chance and tell him how you feel."

"It's hard for me though. I'm not like Tyler when it comes to this stuff. I'm not really comfortable being...gay. Liking him just feels weird, but when I'm with him...it just feels so right."

"The conflict that you're going through is something that every gay person goes through. I went through it. I'm pretty sure Tyler went through it as well. Some of us just get through it quicker than others."

"So, it does get better?"

"I promise you that it will," said Julian. He tapped me on the leg. "I think you should tell Travis how you feel. Maybe if something works out between you two, the relationship can help you get over what you're feeling about yourself."

"You really think so?"

"Look, I'm not a fortune teller. I just think a simple relationship could help. You could see that being gay isn't as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Being gay can make you happy or make you miserable, it's up to you which one wins."

I really liked what Julian was saying. He made a lot of sense. At the same time, he sort of knocked sense into me. I knew what I had to do. I just hoped that I didn't chicken out again.