Daydreamers - 9. Chapter 9

I've loved Alex Sullivan for about a year. I've known him nearly all my life, but it takes time to love someone. I guess my love started to grow even before that I realized that I'm gay.

We were in the sixth grade, twelve years old, when I first realized that my feelings for Alex were more than just friendship. Three older kids from grade seven were bullying me. They were about to pick me up and throw me in the trash bin when, out of nowhere, Alex came running to my aid. He decked the leader and kicked the other two in the nuts.

"Come on, Brian, let's go!"

He took my arm and we ran all the way to Blue Skies Park. We sat underneath the weeping willow tree in the middle of the park. The sun came through its limp branches and the breeze blew them, giving us a very inconsistent shade.

"I can't believe you did that. That was so great!" I hooted, playfully punching Alex in the shoulder.

"I couldn't just let them throw you in the freaking trashcan," said Alex. "You're my bestie."

He put his arm around me. I smiled and I could feel inside of me that I felt really strongly about him. I wasn't sure if it was okay to feel like that about a boy so I kept my feelings to myself.

From then on my feelings grew for Alex, but like I said, it wasn't until about a year ago that I admitted to myself that I actually love him. This time, we were at the lake. He and I go there sometimes when no one's around.

He took off his t-shirt before going into the lake. I found myself staring almost nonstop, forgetting that I was supposed to get into the water with him.

"Are you coming in or what?" He called from in the lake, splashing a bit when he lifted his hand up to wave at me.

"In a minute!" I answered.

He started to swim through the lake and I could see the sun shining on his body and his slightly defined muscles. He'd go under for a few seconds and when he came up, water cascaded from his head and glistened all over his body.

I found myself getting hard. Now I definitely couldn't get up to get into the water. I covered hard on with my hands and sat still until it went away, which took a while. When it finally did go away, I took off my t-shirt and joined Alex in the lake.

"Finally, what took you so long?"

"I just didn't feel like getting in right away," I answered simply.

"It was your idea to come here," he said smartly. He smiled. "I'll race you to the dock and back."

"You're on!"

"Readysetgo!" Alex hollered and he sped off like a bullet.

"Hey!" I yelled and started off to catch up with him.

Water was splashing everywhere. It was getting into my mouth and my eyes, but I didn't care. I had to win this race. I was gradually getting closer until we were head to head. Alex had a head start and I still beat him. We lifted ourselves onto the dock and then lay across it. We were wet and huffing and puffing from the race. Alex was silent and sulking in the misery of his loss.

"That's not fair. You're on steroids or something," Alex complained and he patted my abs with a flat hand.

I flinched and put my hands on my stomach. I'm a little ticklish so this sent a slight tingle through my body. The fact that I'm completely in love with Alex and nearly go crazy every time he touches me didn't help any either.

I tilted my head to look at him. I started at his wet dark blond hair and then moved down to his gorgeously dark eyes. My eyes moved down to his bobbing Adam's apple and then his pumping chest.

"Whoa! Someone's a little excited," Alex laughed.

I snapped out of my trance and looked at my lap. My hard on stood straight up from my shorts. I turned over in embarrassment.

It was not long after that day at the lake that I came out to Alex and we he told me that he was gay too I wanted to do cartwheels. I wanted to tell him right away that not only was I gay, but I was in love with him, but I chickened out. What if he doesn't like me back? I couldn't handle our friendship turning awkward and then eventually die out because of a stupid crush.

My love for him deepened when we went to the lake with all of those hot guys and he came out. The confidence he had turned me on so much that it gave me the confidence to come out in front of all of them as well and when I got home, I decided that I would continue the coming out theme of the day. I still hadn't come out to my family, which consisted of my parents, my grandfather, and my older brother Matt.

We all helped run our orchard which has been in the family for four generations. My father and grandfather are really into it, but I've never been. Matt is sort of into it, but not as much as my father and grandfather.

That afternoon, I walked into my house still in my swimming shorts. My hair was kind of wet, but I was ninety percent dry. My grandfather was sitting on the couch watching the news. My dad was sitting next to him reading The New Yorker in which we regularly subscribed to.

"Hey, Brian; how was the lake?" asked my grandfather.

"It was fun. I met some new friends," I answered. "Is dinner gonna be ready soon, grandpa?"

"Yes, yes, very soon," answered my grandfather. "Your mother and Matt are in the kitchen cooking up a storm."

"I'm going upstairs to shower," I said.

My dad never even lifted his head from the magazine. He doesn't really pay much attention to me. Matt is his pride child. Matt is perfect in my dad's eyes.

I left and did what I said; I showered. In the shower, I started to think of Alex again. As I thought of him, my hands roamed around my body until they made their way to my hard on. I started to stroke myself as the warm shower water fell onto my body. I closed my eyes so I could picture Alex more clearly. I started to stroke faster and faster until I came. I had to bite my lip to keep from hollering.

I felt satisfied and relaxed after I got out of the shower. I was confident that tonight was the night that I was going to come out to my parents. There's just no hiding my feelings anymore. Maybe if I come out, I'll find the courage to also tell Alex how I feel about him.

When I finished dressing and went back downstairs, my brother Matt was setting the table. I didn't say anything to him. I just went straight into the kitchen to find my mom. She was putting the grilled chicken she'd made on a platter.

"Hey mom," I said.

"Hey, sweetie; how was the lake with Alex?" She walked up to me and kissed me on the cheek.

"It was fun. Is dinner ready?"

"Yes, go ahead and sit at the table," she said.

I left the kitchen and walked to the table, Matt was already sitting down and so were dad and my grandfather. I sat down next to grandfather. Mat was across from me and dad was at the table end. Mom came with two big platters of food. One with the grilled chicken I had just spotted and another with a vegetable mix and potato salad.

"Looks great Joyce," said Grandpa.

"Thank you Hank," said my mom with a smile.

She sat at the other end of the table. We all joined hands and my mother said a prayer thanking God for our blessings. Then, she started to pass the platters around and everyone started to serve themselves.

"How are the apples coming along this summer, Kurt?" My mom asked my dad.

"They're doing really well. They should come out really good this fall."

"That's excellent. We should have a great apple fest this year."

I cut piece of my chicken and took a bite. I was starting to get nervous. I couldn't stop thinking about what I was about to say. How will they react? My mom is pretty religious and so is my dad. My grandfather isn't really religious but he does come from a different time. And then there's my brother. Will he make fun of me? Will he think it's disgusting?

After I asked myself all of these questions, I just decided that I couldn't keep being so negative. If they can't except who I am, that's their problem. I just had to suck it up and tell them. So, I did.

"Hey you guy," I said. "I have something to tell you something."

"What is it Brian?" asked mom.

"There's been something that I've been hiding for a while and...and I just need to tell you guys because...because I feel like I'm gonna explode if I don't."

"Spit it out, son," said my dad, chewing on potato salad.

I felt my entire body started to tremble and my pulse skyrocketed. "I'm g-gay..."

"You what?" asked my dad.

"I'm...gay."

"Brian, Honey, this is so out of nowhere. I mean...are you sure?" asked my mom. I could hear the worry in her voice.

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Well, this is just fucking unbelievable!" My dad threw his fists onto the table sending rattles throughout the entire room. I nearly jumped out of my skin. "My son's a...a..."

"Don't you say it, Kurt!" yelled my mom.

"Everyone, you just need to calm down," said grandpa.

"This is weird," said Matt. He shook his head quickly in disgust.

"Brian, go to your room. Your father and I need to discuss this."

"Discuss what? The fact that you think I'm what; a fag, a queer, a pervert?"

"You're right that's exactly what we think!" yelled my father.

"Kurt! Shut up!" yelled my mother.

"Whatever," I said. I was confused, and frustrated, and scared all at the same time. I got up from the table and ran upstairs to my room, slamming the door behind me. I couldn't keep back my tears. What am I gonna do now? What if they kick me out? But I had to wipe my tears before I was ready because my brother walked into my room.

"What?" I asked.

"Are you really...gay?" he asked.

"You think I went through that torture for fun?" I asked, still wiping tears.

"Are you crying?"

"No," I lied, sniffling.

Matt sat next to me. "Hey, I just came up here to tell you that...that I've got your back. Whatever happens with mom and dad, I'm still on your side."

Matt and I have never really been the kind of brothers that were like best friends. I always wanted us to be like that. Seeing the way Alex is with his brothers has always made me envy that kind of relationship. So, Matt saying this was a bit of a shock to me.

"Why are you saying this?" I asked.

"Because you're my little brother and it's my job to be on your side. Maybe it's a bit late for this, but I feel like times like this is where we need to stick together."

He hugged me. He's never hugged me before in his life. It was a short uncomfortable hug, but it was still a hug.

"Don't listen to dad. He's an asshole. He's always been kind of...off."

"Not to you. You're his golden child. You're strong and athletic and popular and most of all, straight."

"I've always hated all the attention dad gave to me. He's sort of obnoxious."

"Hmph, I would give anything for attention and love from dad and you just want it to go away. Aren't we fucked up?"

"I guess so, but I guess it because we're dad's kids." He sighed. "It's gonna be okay. I'll help as much as I can."

"Thanks, Matt," I said.

He smiled and then walked out of my room. I felt a little more comfortable that Matt was on my side. Now it's time to wait things out and hope that things don't go sour.