I Hate This Town - 32. Chapter 32: Goodbyes

He felt like he'd stepped into an episode of the Twilight Zone. It had been a full two weeks since his mother's funeral. He wasn't sure where things went from there. Sure, he'd made plans. He was supposed to go home to Washington, sell his home, and then move back to Iowa. It was simple, or it should have been anyway. For the last two days, he'd grown more and more nervous. Was this really what he wanted? Everything was far easier when he was with Finn or his father. Even Finn's family was eagerly awaiting Alec’s return.

Only now, sitting and waiting for his flight, the prodigal son was getting cold feet. What if he moved back and everything went wrong? What if he'd gotten caught up in nostalgia-clouded decision making? He was near 30 now. How many 30-year-olds were compatible with their high school crush? High school sweethearts were a thing, but he'd like to see some actual numbers. He just couldn't bring himself to believe that relationship choices made with underdeveloped brains could stand the test of time. There was no way!

Alec closed his eyes, focusing on his breathing instead of his ridiculous spiral. It was scary, but what was the alternative? He stayed in Washington in his too-big house and died alone? That seemed like a great idea that would have absolutely no consequences for his already rough mental health. Plus, the ball was already rolling. His therapist had already referred him to someone in Iowa. A realtor had already scheduled a tour of his home and was confident selling it would be a breeze. Then-probably most importantly-there was Finn. The other man was already rearranging his life for when Alec was finally back. It would be cruel to plan and get the man's hopes up, only to dash them. Again.

Alec squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them to check the time. There was still enough. He rushed to the airport this morning, far earlier than necessary. At first, he thought himself silly, almost positive his anxiety would be the death of him. Now, though, he was thankful for it. Alec wasn't sure how well he'd be able to calm himself down. He needed a little help and for once, mental illness had worked to his benefit. He could tray and reach out. People were always telling him to.

“Hello?”

“Am I-are we making a mistake?” Alec blurted out the words when he heard the voice on the other end. He bit his lip nervously as he stared at the chair across from him.

“You haven't even left the state yet and you're already freaking out?” Finn's lazy drawl had sharpened in an instant. Alec cringed. Maybe he should have called someone else.

“I'm just nervous. What if we're moving too fast?”

Finn let out a frustrated sound, “I knew you were going to get cold feet eventually, but I didn't think it would be this fast.”

Alec sighed and slouched in his seat, “I'm not trying to call it off completely.”

“Okay. Then what's going on? How can I help?” Finn asked.

“Just...talk to me. About anything. I want this, but my brain’s coming up with 101 reasons why it won't work.”

“Do you remember the first day we met?” Finn said suddenly.

“Yeah, when you sold me that raspberry twist thing.”

“No, we met before that. You came in with your mother one day. I'd never seen anyone like you before.”

Alec rolled his eyes and ignored the heat rising in his cheeks, “Whatever.”

“You look like an annoyed blueberry.”

“What are you trying to say, Larson?”

“You have blue hair, but you also had a blue forehead, hands, ears and neck. I'm guessing it was one of your first attempts. An annoyed cute blueberry.” Finn chuckled softly, “I think I fell for you right there.”

“Oh, stop. No you didn't.”

“What? Blueberries are my favorite.”

Alec tried to fight the smile that was pulling aggressively at his mouth, “You are such a nerd.”

“Then I realized I'd never seen you before, and probably never would again. The sheer amount of teasing Milo put me through. I was an absolute wreck.” Finn laughed, and it made Alec lose his war against smiling. The familiar panic that had been growing in his chest and stomach lessened to an easily bearable amount.

“When you came into the store, I nearly vibrated out of my skin. I was so excited.”

Alec felt his smile grow, and he suddenly felt all warm and fuzzy, “I came there to see you.”

“Really? Could have fooled me. I thought you hated me and everything else. It only got worse when you started school.”

“Give me a break. I was super freaked out!”

“That's no reason to go all grumpy, weird, homeschool kid on people who were just trying to talk to you!”

“I...” Alec, bit back a laugh, “How fucking dare you?”

Finn’s loud laugh partially deafened him, and he wrapped his free arm around his middle. This was nice. He made the right choice. He drew nonsensical designs on his ribs as he thought about the blond. He'd already started missing Finn's routine. There was no guesswork. It was easy. Not having to think about what he needed to do had given him a strange amount of comfort. It was probably the stability and structure. Alec hadn't grown up with much, and now his squirrel brain craved it.

“You let me know when you land, okay?” Finn's voice was softer now, and Alec longed for his boisterous laugh again.

“Of course.”

“How did seeing River off go?”

Alec felt a pang in his chest and once again he allowed his eyes to slip closed, “It was fine.”

“Alec.”

Finn saw right through him, and he wasn't positive he enjoyed that. Sometimes he couldn't understand himself. Most times, really. Finn was his boyfriend. He was willing to be a shoulder to lean on. He wanted Alec to talk to him. What was the point of being together if he wasn't going to allow the most important person in his life to support him? This was going to start to lead to arguments. He needed to try and open up more. There were people around him that cared. Withholding information about himself from them hurt and alienated people from him.

“It was worse than I thought.” He answered, his inner voice cringing at being vulnerable with someone other than River. He'd been vulnerable with Finn before. He could do it again. He didn't even die the other times!

“I suppose. Have you two spent any long stretches of time apart?” Finn asked.

“Not since we were teenagers. I knew I was codependent, but I didn't think it was this bad. I almost cried in the middle of the airport, for God’s sake. I've been doing that a lot lately. It's like I can't control my face.” Alec scoffed at himself. He had been a borderline crybaby since coming to Iowa.

“Hey, stop that. You've got a lot going on.” Finn said.

“I guess, but it's still-”

Alec cut himself off as his flight's boarding was announced. He wouldn't be one of the first groups on, but it meant he was going to have to end the phone call. Sighing, he stood and gathered the few things that would board the plane with him.

“Finn, I have to go. They're starting to board.”

“Alright, talk to you later. Text or call when you get there safe.”

“I will. Bye.”

“Bye baby.”

Alec pocketed his phone after pushing the button to end his call. He wanted to talk to Finn more. Hell, he was starting to question why he had to live separately when he officially moved back to Iowa. There was a logical response, of course.

He wanted to ease into things and make that progression natural. That was his reasoning. He hated that idea. Screw logic and reason. Alec stood in line and reeled himself in. They were in the honeymoon phase. He also needed to stand on his own two legs. He couldn't move from hanging off River to doing the same with Finn. So, he steeled his resolve for the 100th time that day and followed the slowly moving line. Everything was going to be fine. He could do this. Soon Finn would be on his way too. Alec wouldn't have to spend the entire time in Washington alone. Alec gripped onto that fact and held it close to his heart. As he finally made it onto the plane and slowly shuffled to his seat, he kept reminding himself that he had overcome a lot. He could clear this obstacle too.

Slouching in his seat, he slid his fingers into the pocket not occupied by his phone. A small piece of paper crinkled against his fingers. It was actually half a receipt. With an address scrawled across the back. It belonged to some hotel in Japan. Probably ritzy, knowing Kenji. Which Alec didn't, but he could make some educated guesses. He let his head relax back against the seat and put on his noise cancelling headphones. He hadn't lied to Finn about how weirdly painful it had been to say goodbye to River. Thinking back on it, it felt like a lifetime ago already. Not merely a few hours.

“No. See your flight’s over there, you're in international.” Alec pointed to the board above them.

“Yeah, I got that part, but which way do we need to go?” Alec watched his friend shove giant black sunglasses back on his hair. The action made him look a little bit like one of the old school troll dolls. His pink hair fanning messily out around his head. He was trying to ignore the pit in his stomach, and he had a feeling that River was feeling nervous as well. They'd been snapping at each other all morning for the silliest things and trying to avoid what was happening. They were going to be separated for the first time in a long time. It made Alec sick. It also bothered him that he had allowed himself to become so reliant on another person. He truly given River the reins to his life. He'd never even asked if his friend had wanted them. He had a lot of growing to do and part of him knew that they would have to separate eventually. This could be good for them both. It wasn’t okay to have a close friendship where their lives were so interwoven like that. He didn't know how they could be separated. He wanted to see how strong he could really be. It was like walking a tight rope without a net.

“See here, right here!” Alec pointed aggressively at one of the paths on the map.

“I hate airports. Maybe I'll just go back to Washington with you.” River let out a heavy sigh and checked everything on his luggage. Alec had noticed he'd been doing it repeatedly in the short time they'd been together this morning. Maybe River was more nervous than he realized. It was a big step for his friend. This was a commitment. River normally hated those. Not only was he starting a serious relationship for the first time in a long time. He was doing it in a different country. Alec was all for trying to be brave and to get through things that normally scared him, but he was not sure how River was going to handle it. His friend had always been far braver than him, and this was no different. River would be fine.

“All right then, lead the way!” River announced loudly, pointing ahead. He was wearing a bright purple suit jacket today with a mesh black top underneath. If that wasn't enough, he was also wearing his combat boots again. But he toned it down with some simple jeans. Alec did not understand how he was wearing jeans and a tight outfit. Alec was practically in pajamas and River’s flight would be way longer than his. Sure, he'd probably be in first class, but still.

They walked along together in silence. They both knew what was coming, and neither seemed to know how to talk about it. They'd be okay, but this next conversation was going to be hard. So they stayed quiet, hoping to put it off as long as possible. Unfortunately for them, the walk was shorter than they needed it to be. Alec couldn't go any further, which meant they parted ways there. He rubbed his side and tried to come up with something to say. Even River, who was never at a loss for words, remained silent.

Alec turned and opened his mouth, still not sure what he was going to say. It didn't matter. He didn't have a chance to speak. Rivers arms wrapped around him and crushed him in a tight hug. Alec immediately returned the embrace and tried to keep the tears at bay.

“This isn't like a permanent goodbye. We're going to see each other again. Kenji already said that we can visit you in Iowa when we come back from Japan. So don't be a stranger and you better call me and text.” River ordered, but Alec could hear the emotion wavering his voice, “Larson's hot, but don't let him make you stay if you don't want to. If it doesn't work out, you can leave.”

“Likewise. Promise me that if your boyfriend turns out to be a psycho, you'll come back and maybe not get murdered. You don't really know him and I would hate for him to turn out to be a serial killer or something.” Alec said with a weak chuckle.

“I think that might actually make him hotter.”

He didn't want to pull away. He didn't want to let his best friend go. River had been his lifeline for so long that it felt like he was being cast in the vast, dark ocean to fend for himself. He felt so alone in that moment that it took his breath away.

Luckily, it was also jarring. He knocked himself out of his spiral. This was the reason they needed to spend some time apart. They needed to become separate people. This dynamic couldn't work for the rest of their lives. It wasn't healthy and it wasn't fair to either one of them. The truth of the matter was that they weren't teenagers anymore. For a long time, they had needed that kind of relationship. The other one was all they had. But now they had lives. They had people who cared about them, and they weren't alone.

“I love you man.” River said, pulling back and wiping his eyes with his forearm.

“You too. You’re the one who said this wasn’t a permanent goodbye. Don’t be so dramatic.” Alec said uneasily. If River lost it, there was no way he’d be able to keep himself together.

River smiled, eyes still watery. He nodded and spun on his heel, walking away. Before he was out of sight, he turned back and waved, a wide grin on his face. Alec stood on his toes like a child and waved back with all the enthusiasm he could. After a few more minutes, his friend was gone and Alec was left by himself, struggling to keep his head above water.

He settled more into his seat and ran his fingers lightly over his headphones. He wondered where River was now. Was he messed up inside too? Was he nervous about seeing Kenji again after they’d become a couple? Was he scared of being without Alec, or had that always been one sided? He sighed and tried to get comfortable in his too-small seat. He was positive his tailbone would hurt later, but something in him couldn’t spring for more expensive tickets. The flight wasn’t a long one. A couple hours and he’d be back in Washington. It didn’t feel real. He’d only been gone a few weeks and yet his entire life had been flipped around.

His mother was gone. There was a budding relationship with his father. He and River had separated. Then, of course, there was Finn. At some point he’d need to admit to himself that his feelings were way too strong for a brand-new relationship. Was it possible that his puppy love had survived this whole time? Surely not. Alec was an adult. He was mostly rational when it came to things like this. Well, he liked to convince himself he was anyway.

That being said, a part of him was starting to doubt his own thinking. Earlier he had been ready to move in with Finn right off the bat. Jumping in feet first was not the way he wanted things to go. He wanted them to have enough time to get to know each other again. He wanted to-as cliché as it might sound-fall in love the right way. He was steadfastly ignoring the tiny voice in his head that told him it was way too late for that. There was no “right” way. He would allow himself to acknowledge that he was already in too deep. That’d happened when they’d slept together. Then practically living with the other man after his mother’s death had solidified it even farther.

They should have a discussion about things. Finn was set on moving at the speed of light. If he had his way, Alec would cancel his meeting with the Iowan realtor and simply move in with him. Alec wasn’t ready. He had to figure out his new place in life. He’d never expected that he’d be planning a move to Iowa.

He slept most of the flight, luckily. Planes had a strange way of lulling him to sleep. The sleep was never restfull, but at least it made the time go faster. He was still groggy as he trudged to baggage claim. He was dreading the trip back to his house. It didn’t feel like a homecoming. It was just a necessary evil. Another task he would complete before finalizing his move. He shook his head as he thought of how hard he’d fought for this life that he had built. He’d really just been running from what he really wanted. Now that he had the chance to be with Finn, everything here seemed lackluster. What was he really leaving behind?

He forced himself out of thought while he searched the belt for his suitcase. Hopefully, it didn’t take too terribly long. He spotted it just as soon as it was hauled off by a familiar person. He was a touch taller than Alec, but significantly wider, and had a forest green beanie pulled over dark brown curls. Alec rolled his eyes and looked for the man’s shorter, darker shadow. He found him leaning against a pillar, eyes narrowed at the people who shuffled by him.

“Alec! Alec hey! River sent us!” The big man waved excitedly and Alec grimaced as he waved his suitcase around like it was nothing. Alec had struggled to even get it on the scale back at the other airport. To say he had been expecting a welcome party couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Alec moved to stand next to the man leaning against the pillar, “Cameron. How’d River con you two into this?”
“You know Lukas, he’s excited to help anyone. Anywhere. Especially a friend.” Cameron shrugged, flicking his long, inky, black hair over his shoulder. Alec shook his head as he followed the other man’s dark gaze to Luke who was now helping everyone get their luggage. One tiny old woman stared at him as he set a small purple bag in front of her. Alec chuckled. He supposed Luke was intimidating at first glance. He was covered neck down in tattoos and he had his septum pierced. He was also big, but all of that was diminished by his obnoxiously friendly demeanor and old man clothes. Today he was wearing a sweater vest and-

“Are those corduroy pants?” Alec asked, mortified, “Are they…orange?”

“Yes. They are terrible. You don’t have to tell me.” Cameron sighed, brushing lint off the bright yellow sweatshirt that obviously wasn’t his, given the way it hung off him and swallowed his slight form. He adjusted it over his all-black outfit and sighed heavily, “Lukas Anthony! I will not die here. Stop helping strangers!”

Alec watched Luke flinch as he handed over the suitcase currently in his hands. He smiled brightly at the man he handed it too and shuffled over with Alec’s suitcase. When he reached for it, Luke held it out of reach, large green eyes flicking to Cameron who’d pushed off the wall, “Sorry baby. I got distracted.”

“Yes. I noticed. Come on. We have to get Alec home before August sets his house on fire.” Cam said as he began walking away, not bothering to check if anyone was following him.

“God, why the hell is August in my house?” Alec groaned, reaching for his suitcase again and frowning when Luke easily waved him off.

“You had Sage watch your house. August is a packaged deal.” Cam sighed, hanging back when he got too far ahead.

“Well, on the bright side, if Auggie burns down your house, you won’t have to worry about selling it!” Lukas grinned and winked.

Alec rolled his eyes, “That wouldn’t look suspicious at all. My house burns down and I immediately move cross country? Seems suspicious.”

“Everything is legal if you do a good enough job covering it up.” Cameron shrugged, waving his hand behind him in Alec’s direction, “Laws are mere suggestions.”

Lukas unlocked the doors of a bright purple, old school truck laughing nervously. He shoved in Alec’s suitcase and then held the door open for him. Alec crawled in, glancing up at the man, “Luke, weren’t you a cop?”

“He was. For like nine years. Then he fell dick first into a criminal.” Cameron shrugged. Luke held his door open now and Cam grazed his fingertips over the other man’s broad chest before lowering himself into the car.

“I opened the shop before I ever met you doll.” Lukas chuckled as he got in on the driver’s side.

“What do I know? I was a child. Creeper.” Cameron sighed dramatically, “You stole my youth.”

“I’m thirty-four Cammy.” Luke sighed as he started the car.

“Exactly. Pedophile.” Cam said. Alec just shook his head and laughed.

“You’re twenty-five!” Luke exclaimed, turning to look at his passenger with a pronounced pout.

“Awe, Cameron don’t be mean to him.” Alec said. He couldn’t help but take pity on the bigger man. He had to be just as big as Milo now that he thought about it.

“I’m not being mean. It is good-natured teasin’. I do this ‘cause I love him.”

“Not everyone understands your kind of affection Cammy.” Lukas said as they left the airport.

“I really think you’re the only one, Cam.” Alec said, chuckling again.