I Hate This Town - 26. Chapter 26: More Talking

They fell back into silence. Alec wasn't sure where they went from here. He looked over at the other man and was reminded at just how much he loved being in his space. They didn't even have to be doing anything. Sitting in companionable silence was enough. Even awkward silence was better than nothing. Herky whined softly and pressed his nose more insistently up into Alec’s hand. Finn shook his head as he watched the dog and it made Alec smile. The dog was huge but looked like it was trying to convince Alec that it was a lapdog. He was starting to wonder if that would be the worst thing. Herky was sweet, much like his owner.

“When are you leaving?” Finn asked softly.

“I don't know. I haven't made any real plans because I wasn't sure how this conversation would go.” he admitted.

“Then we have time to plan.” Finn smiled softly.

“How do we make it work so neither of us is getting the short end of the stick?” Alec frowned, confused. Whether they had time to plan or not, it didn't make the solutions obvious.

“Not sure, but we'll figure it out.” Finn’s smile grew wider and he linked their fingers. Alec wasn't sure how he was so confident. It was comforting though. If they were both anxious, they would get nothing done. He needed Finn’s fearlessness to make things work.

Alec returned the other man’s smile shyly, “Okay, now what?”

“Well, I took pre-workout so I need to go to the gym or find an alternative before I vibrate out of my skin.” Finn laughed softly.

“I should probably call my dad and check on my mom. I guess.” Alec sighed.

He stood and Finn did as well. Alec turned and nudged Herky gently out of the way as he made for the front door. Hands captured his hips and gently guided him backwards a step or two. Finn's chest was flush with his back, and his face came to rest against Alec’s neck. He felt soft kisses pepper his skin and strong arms wrapped around him. Alec leaned back, sighing contently. This he could get used to. He ran his fingertips over tanned skin and turned his head. Finn gave him a featherlight peck to his lips.

“You're a roller coaster.” He mumbled.

“What?” Alec blinked, and then slowly frowned. That wasn't his favorite way to be described.

“Ever since you came back, there's so many ups and downs. He likes me. He likes me not. Oh, we fucked. Oh back to he likes me not. And now... He likes me?”

“I like you.” Alec blushed. The sentence felt childish leaving his lips, but the sentiment was still true.

“Good. Now get out of here before I lose my good manners and chivalry.”

Alec laughed, turning and resting his hands on either side of Finn's face to pull him down for a kiss. When they parted, Finn’s expression was soft. His smile downright blissful and dreamy. Alec took a step back and then fiddled with his fingers, shy again, “Maybe we can do something later? Or tomorrow or something.”

“Whatever you want. I do have to avoid the bakery because my parents think I'm sick. Even though I never get sick.” Finn chuckled.

“Gee, I wonder why they think you're sick?” Alec smiled teasingly up at the blond.

“Probably because I called in and told them I was sick this morning. I didn't lie, I was lovesick!” Finn said, defending himself as he tickled Alec’s sides. When Alec finally got free and shoved Finn's hands away, he stumbled to the door, laughing happily.

“Okay, okay. I'll text or whatever.”

“You know you can call or text me even if you're not coming over later, tomorrow, or whatever.” Finn smirked softly as he grabbed onto Herky’s collar. Alec glanced down at the overly excitable dog and hustled out the front door. He ran his fingers over his hair lightly and smiled to himself. Finn had always had a way of making him feel special and now was no different.

Alec crossed his legs at the ankle, refolding his hands in his lap. This conversation was going nowhere. He wished he'd stayed at Finn's. A thought made worse when Finn sent him a selfie from the gym. The picture was in a mirror and he held up his phone with one hand. His other hand rested on his stomach. Finn had his shirt up and Alec almost whined. Abs. His weakness was abs. Also, sweaty, disheveled, blonde hair. The sharp “V” that his hip bones made too. Leading down to…yeah. If he was being honest with himself, Finn was just his weakness. Alec shook his head. His fingers trailed over his phone. Should he send a picture back? Obviously not right now, when his father sat across the table from him. But maybe when he got back to the hotel? He didn't know how to send pictures like that, but lucky for him, he knew an expert. An expert who had fantastic clothing and props.

Alec wrenched himself from his thoughts, setting his phone face down on the table. Henry seemed uncomfortable as they sat in the small cafe one town over from Sunnyside. Alec had picked it because he was close to his hotel. He didn't wanna be in his parents’ house again. Talking through things with his therapist had helped him deal with the lack of his presence in their home, but that didn't mean he wanted to go back. He uncrossed his ankles and then recrossed them the other way. Henry was holding a coffee in a death grip, staring down at it. They’d tried a few times to start up a conversation, but with no luck. Alec didn’t know where to start, and neither did his father. After airing everything out, the drama that had fueled their earlier talks had died.

Alec let out a sigh and decided to share his plans, “I may be moving back to Iowa.”

“To Iowa?” Henry asked, shocked, hands finally releasing his coffee.

“Maybe. It depends.” Alec shrugged, playing with the wide straw stuck in his smoothie.

“Oh?” Henry questioned.

“There are some finer details to iron out. Some personal things.” Alec said vaguely.

“Do those personal things have to do with the Larson boy?” Henry's voice was a little hesitant. Nervous.

Alec’s head snapped up to look at the man, who smiled,” What do you know about that?”

“Alec, I may have been a terrible parent, but I'm still a parent. I remember when you snuck out to meet him. You think I couldn't hear you creeping down the stairs? You're lucky your mother is a heavy sleeper. I also remember when- I'm assuming-you broke up. You were so upset.” Henry took a drink of his coffee as Alec quietly processed.

“We ended on bad terms.” Alec explained.

“I see. Then you came back to Iowa for your mother.”

“I feel weird talking about this with you.” Alec frowned, sucking down some of his smoothie.

“Not surprising. We've never had the chance to have man to man conversations.” Henry laughed, “It makes sense that now it feels foreign.”

“There were plenty of chances to have those conversations. You chose not to have them with me. You let Mom do whatever she wanted.” Alec crossed his arms, mood souring slightly.

Henry's amusement faded, and they fell back into strained silence. Alec was torn. He wasn't willing to let his father act like he had no blame in how Alec’s childhood turned out. At the same time, holding everything over his head would keep them from moving on. After being stagnant for years, moving on was all Alec wanted. He was tired of fearing a point on a map. The Midwest and his parents had been his own personal boogeyman for far too long. He couldn’t shoulder the weight of his memories and trauma forever and be happy. It was time to put away his crutch. Alec needed to continue to swing himself into a new mindset. He’d already laid the groundwork, now he needed to stay the course. He adjusted in his seat, quietly at war with himself. It wasn't worth being petty. This, much like his earlier conversation with Finn, may be the only chance they had at fixing things. So, Alec sighed and took another drink of smoothie.

“Part of the reason is Finn. Yes.” Alec said, breaking them from the awkward atmosphere.

Henry gave him a small smile that looked thankful. He rested his hands in his lap as he focused his attention on his son, “Have you started up with him again? He used to ask about you when you first left, but I never had any answers to give him. Our relationship was just as strained. Maybe more. He seemed like a good kid.”

“Finn is a good guy. He always has been. Without him, I’m not sure if I would’ve made it through the first part of high school. I was in a bad place mentally.” Alec linked his fingers. Henry looked upset and seemed to be having a hard time deciding what to do with his hands. His eyes were regretful and guilty.

“I knew that things weren’t good, but I’m not sure if I ever realized how much you were struggling. Money was tight and I couldn’t afford to support you both alone. Your mother never forgave me for that. She’s still positive that going to public school is what made you…” Henry faltered and it irked Alec. It wasn’t a bad word. It wasn’t something to be ashamed of. It also had nothing to do with where he was schooled.

“Gay, dad. I’m gay.” He said, crossing his arms.

“Yes I know. I’m still having a hard time accepting it. I know I have to. It’s a part of who you are. We just weren’t raised like that Alec. We were raised to believe that those choices were a sin.” Henry shook his head and sighed softly.

“They aren’t choices. We’ll start there.”

Henry flinched and then nodded very slowly, “I’m trying Alec. It may not seem like it, but I am. Rewiring your brain at my age is no easy feat.”

Alec sighed and rubbed his cheek, “I get it.”

“Let’s talk about what’s pushed you towards moving home. Can I help ease the transition at all?” Henry asked.

Alec settled into his chair, now holding his half-finished smoothie to his chest. Talking to River and Kenji about everything had almost been freeing. Maybe it would be the same with his father? His therapist was always encouraging him to reach out. He wasn’t good at that. Well, unless it was River. He had friends back home that didn’t even know why he was away. They didn’t know anything about his trip because he refused to let them in. Much like his failed, exceedingly short relationships. Alec struggled to let people in. He’d built up his walls after the people closest to him caused him pain. Even Finn. He’d let him in and it’d ended badly. For teenage Alec’s fragile social skills, it was practically a death knell for his trust. He thought that he’d overcome it, but everything that’d happened recently had opened his eyes. He had people that cared about him. He had more options than only River.

Alec let himself open up slowly to his father. He didn’t give him every gory detail, but he filled him in well enough. From there, they spoke of their lives apart. Henry was eager to hear about the life his son had created halfway across the country. They talked about his house. They talked about his friends. Alec showed him pictures, fighting back a smile as he scrolled through the colorful individuals that’d slowly become family. Henry took it all in stride. His lips thinned into a line when Alec didn’t hold back. He didn’t sensor his friends or his life. Well, he did leave out some of the more R rated content. Either way, Alec was pleasantly surprised at how well his father reacted. Even though some of his friends obviously made him uncomfortable, Henry held back any negative comments.

“Run it by me again.” Alec once again found himself sitting across from someone as he prepared to explain himself. River was seated on the other side of the booth, leaning heavily into Ken’s side. River’s fingers were running over the key hanging from the other man’s wrist and Alec wasn’t sure that his friend knew he was doing it. River’s head was on Kenji’s shoulder. The other man stared down at the diner’s menu, a forehead wrinkle and a subtle frown the only indication that Ken was displeased with what he was reading.

“I told him everything. I offered to move and said I’d figure it out, but Finn seemed…reluctant.” Alec sighed, scanning down the menu himself now.

“Cheese curds on a burger?” Alec glanced up at Kenji’s confused voice. The man was shaking his head as he mumbled something else under his breath.

“It’s good. Try it.” River laughed, kissing his cheek, “Go on Alec.”

“Quesadilla burger. Deep fried candy bar. Where am I? What fresh hell…”

Alec set his menu down, tuning out the strangely distraught Kenji as the man’s words blended into what Alec assumed was Japanese. Alec locked eyes with River, lifting his shoulders in a slight shrug, “He was worried that I was giving up too much. He thought it wasn’t fair.”

“I’m sorry, is there some sort of required rural Iowa self-flagellation that I am unaware of? You all seem desperate to meet some kind of quota.” Ken’s eyes lifted from the menu and he considered Alec with an eyebrow lifted fractionally.

Alec rolled his eyes, “He’s doing what he’s always done. Finn wants to do the right thing.”

“The right thing? According to whom? As far as I’m concerned, the question you presented him with was yes and no. Why are we even having this conversation?” Kenji frowned and glanced back down as the waitress popped up. They ordered-Kenji got black coffee and fries-and Alec felt two intense gazes on him.

“Alec, do you think he’s scared you’re not going to go through with it? I could see him thinking it’s too good to be true. You’ve been fully committed to your anti-Iowa agenda for a long time. Maybe he wants something…concrete? Something more than words?” River offered. His fingertips curled under the chain on Ken’s wrist as he met Alec’s eyes.

Kenji straightened, “You’re all overcomplicating things. If you’ve told him your plans, he should accept them at face value. That is, if you are positive this is your plan of action.”

“Things have never been that black and white for them Kenji. Most people don’t function that way.” River sighed, sending the man next to him a look.

“Change how you operate then. Stand by your word and stop all this back and forth. It’s, to be frank, childish and exhausting. If you want something and it’s within your means to make it happen, do it.” Ken sighed and Alec played with the straw sticking out of his water.

Kenji was hard to be around sometimes. If only because he said what he meant and didn’t feel the need to hold back. He was standoffish and far too direct, but Alec easily understood why River gravitated toward the man. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have that kind of partner. Did he ever have to wonder what was going through Kenji’s head? Or did he simply say what he was feeling when he was feeling it. Alec wondered if it was nice or annoying. It would eliminate a lot of confusion, but at the same time, it might be nice to have things sugar-coated every once in a while. Then again, River hadn’t known how the other man felt about him, so who knew?

“I’m trying Kenji.” Alec sighed.

“Why trying? Do it. Lay it all out, tell the man your plans exactly, and explain you’re looking for yes or no answers.” Kenji said, looking down into his cup of coffee suspiciously.

“As much as I hate to agree with Kenji, he’s right Alec. You went into that conversation with a plan and you let Finn bring up a whole bunch of hypotheticals and throw you off your confidence. It’s not Finn’s job to think for you. You’re an adult. If you tell him you’ve planned it out and this is what you want, he shouldn’t be trying to ‘do the right thing’ for you. You’re old enough to decide what that is without his help.” River added.

Alec rubbed his fingers over his cheeks and nodded, “You’re both right. While I appreciate that Finn thinks he’s going about this the honorable way, it’s not his choice. I need to talk to him again.”

“I don’t know if he’s hearing what you’re saying. Finn is set on being the responsible, decision maker. He made a lot of choices for you when we were younger because you were too scared to. The dynamic needs to be changed or you’ll always have a weird power dynamic.”

“He needs to know you’re able to make your own choices. You’re not a child. You’re a reasonably successful adult.” Kenji supplied. Alec tried not to bristle too hard at the “reasonably” and nodded as they spoke.

“Do you have plans to see him again?” River asked, smiling at the waitress as their food was set before them.

“Nothing concrete. I may go over tonight.” Alec shrugged, picking up a fry and popping it into his mouth.

“Take some time to gather your thoughts. Maybe not tonight, but you need to lay it out for him since apparently our Finny boy is a little dense and stubborn. Like you.” River said, stealing one of Kenji’s fries. The man shoved the whole plate in River’s direction and Alec stifled a laugh as his friend’s eyes widened with excitement, his meal quickly forgotten.

“I might need more time. I have so much on my mind.”

“How did meeting up with your dad go?”

He went over his conversation with his father and even touched on his therapy appointment. Alec wasn’t sure where it left them, but he was finally viewing the reconnection with more positivity. He’d never thought they could have a good relationship, but now here it was, laid out in front of him. Finn was another hurdle, but he wasn’t the worst one. Alec was confident he could help the man stop being so foolish. Even when that was done, there was still one big problem. His mother wasn’t getting better. In any way. Her health was declining and their relationship had soured more than it had improved. If he moved back, he would need to address it. He needed to settle it for himself.