I Hate This Town - 10. Chapter 10: Pain

Alec was very angry. Livid really. Sophomore year had been kicking him in all his soft spots ever since it started. He could deal with that. That was easy. His parents on the other hand... A chunk of time where their son was able to keep his head above water? Unacceptable.

He'd originally thought when his parents had pulled him into the living room, that they were on to his late-night escapes. It had become a regular occurrence on the weekends. He was exhausted from barely getting sleep during the week and half the time he'd fall asleep snuggled up against Finn in the freezing cold truck. Thinking of how Finn would wake him up with gentle kisses and touches threatened to dampen his anger, so he forced himself back into the moment.

“We're worried for you! You're turning away from God and Pastor Morris is concerned!” Hs mother wailed as she stood in front of the couch where he sat. His father was sitting in the chair nearby, hand rubbing at the lower half of his face. He looked as exhausted as Alec felt.

“I don't have time to go there more. My class list is stacked.”

“The pastor just thinks-”

“I don't care what he thinks! Preaching Bible verses at me isn't going to change who I am. Leave me alone!” Alec shot up as he yelled and walked away from his mother.

“Alec, get back here! Alec Michael Kennedy! Get back here now!”

He ignored her and stomped up the stairs to his room. The corners of his eyes were burning as he determinedly held back tears. They wanted him to go see their stupid pastor every day after school. With his homework, he'd never get any sleep! He threw himself onto his bed and glared at the open space where his bedroom door used to be. Alec squeezed his eyes closed and covered them with his hands. His parents were arguing. He could hear it all the way upstairs even though they were trying to be quiet. Alec’s father wasn't on board with his “choice”, but he seemed to be arguing for him.

[A: Can I call you later?]

[F: When? Shouldn't you get some sleep?]

[A: I'm fine.]

[F: Give me half an hour. Got to shower, hot stuff.]

“Why do they think talking to the pastor is going to change who you are?” Finn asked.

Alec rolled to face his window, “They're dumb.”

“Do you want me to come get you this weekend? There’s supposed to be a party, but I'll ditch for you.”

Alec played with a fold in his sheets, considering. Parties meant alcohol. Maybe he could temporarily take his mind off everything? Still, parties meant a lot of people as well and everyone knew how good Alec was with people. It could be a train wreck but he knew for a fact that Finn had blown off a lot of invites for him.

“I'll go.”

Finn carried on, “So, like, park at the outlook or...What?”

“I said we could go to the party. You lost a lot of friends because of me. Don't blow off plans with the ones who stayed by your side.”

“Alec... There's going to be a lot of people. A lot.” Finn said hesitantly.

“We can go Finn.”

“Okay, but we'll leave as soon as you get uncomfortable!”

“It's fine, I want you to have fun. I know you've been stressing about colleges and where to go. I'm excited to see what you decide but I think maybe you need a break.”

“Uh, yeah. A break.” Finn suddenly sounded a lot more uneasy and Alec didn't know if it was because of the party or because he brought up the college search. He started to get a strange feeling. The feeling was pushed aside when he had a thought.

“Maybe if you apply at a school closer to me you could get a scholarship there as well!” Alec sat up, all at once excited. How had this not occurred to him before? Maybe Finn and River could go with him. If that was the case, he would have no problem making his way.

“That's not gonna happen. As much as I want to be close to you, I also want to be close to my family.” Finn sighed, sounding defeated.

“Oh. I keep forgetting we have much different priorities.” Alec’s excitement had died immediately and he was left sitting on his bed feeling a little cranky.

“Our families are really different. You want to escape yours and I couldn't imagine a life without mine.”

“You're right. Our families are different. I can't wait to get out of here. It's so strange to me that you have no problem staying. There’s a whole world out there.” Alec felt himself getting a little defensive. He didn't even know why.

“I guess that we will cross that bridge when we get to it.You have a little more than a semester left.” Finn said, “Let me know when your parents go to sleep.”

“Okay.”

Waiting for his parents to go to sleep had become easy. They had a routine. It was like clockwork. His father would check the front and back door. Then they would both go around turning off the house lights. Then they’d take turns changing into pajamas and brushing their teeth. Next, his mother would read for roughly 30 to 45 minutes while his father was passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow. Both were fast asleep by 10:15 PM. Alec would wait a little longer before texting Finn just to be safe. By 11, he was climbing up into Finn's truck.

Alec wore a simple long sleeved blue shirt and jeans with sneakers. Finn always managed to look effortlessly better than almost anyone in any room. Alec felt self-conscious a lot in his boyfriend's presence. Finn's hair was a little longer than it had been when they’d met and it had natural wave to it. It framed his face and fell halfway between his ears and chin. With his red and white Letterman jacket and dark jeans, he looked very handsome. Alec hadn't felt remotely attractive since they chopped his hair off and deprived his clothes of personality. He always felt out of place next to Finn. Luckily, he was always distracted from his insecurity when his boyfriend beamed at him.

“Hey cutie.”

“Oh, stop it.” Alec complained as he buckled his seat belt.

“Nope!” Finn chuckled as they drove away.

“Fight me.” Alec stuck his tongue out.

“I feel like we've already had this conversation.” Finn laughed and poked at Alec’s side where he knew he was most ticklish.

Alec had come for Finn. He'd regretted his choice immensely upon entering the house. He was shocked to see how many high schoolers they'd managed to fit in the small ranch style home. It was pandemonium. There were people everywhere and many of them were already drunk or getting there. He felt weight land on his shoulders and jumped. Finn’s Letterman jacket was draped over him and the blond squeezed his shoulders.

He leaned down as shouted over the loud music, “This way I don't lose you!”

Alec blushed. This meant he had “Larson” in big white letters across his back. It made him feel all warm and fuzzy that since day one, Finn had never been ashamed of him. Right now, it felt like he had outwardly claimed Alec and he wasn't sure how to process it.

Finn kept ahold of his shoulders and guided him to a small, outdated kitchen. There were red cups on every flat surface, bottles were arranged on a counter, and Alec’s eyes strayed to pop and juice on another.

“Finn!” A tall guy with choppy red hair threw his arm around Finn’s shoulders and tried to steer him toward the alcohol, “Do a shot with me, man! We're seniors!”

Fingers linked with Alec’s and he was dragged along behind his boyfriend. The redhead had a Letterman jacket too and the back said, “Wilson”. Alec sort of remembered the name. He was the guy who caught the ball after Finn threw it. Alec only cared enough to learn Finn’s position. (Quarterback.)

“Tequila? Yeah, tequila for sure!” Wilson yelled. Alec grimaced. It was a small space. Finn was right next to him. There was no need to yell.

“Nah, man. I drove here. Precious cargo, you know?” Finn laughed and smiled adoringly back at Alec. Even as his cheeks heated at Finn’s look, Alec frowned. He hadn't been allowed to get his own license yet. His mother had decided he had to “earn” the privilege. He wished he had it already. Then Finn could join in on the fun. He obviously wanted to.

Wilson’s green eyes followed Finn’s and widened slightly, “Right. right! Come on man, one?”

“Sorry Chris.” Finn held up his hands, chuckling when his friend groaned.

“No! Dating made you lame and responsible! At least when you were messing around with Veronica you were still fun.” Chris whined. Finn’s smile fled from his face and Alec stiffened at the same time.

“Who the fu-”

“I'll take the shot!” Alec interrupted before Finn could lose another friend. Both boys looked at him with surprise.

Chris recovered faster, “Well alright little sophomore. Wait, aren’t you in my advanced math class? I thought that was only for seniors. Anyway, tequila? Pick your poison.”

“You were right. I’m a sophomore. Tequila is fine. I like it.” Alec had never even had it. He had only had communion wine and he was pretty sure there was a big difference.

“Alec, you don't have to.” Finn crowded him. To block Chris’ view no doubt.

“I'm okay. I can handle it.” Alec mustered up a smile. Finn looked unconvinced and nervous as Alec accepted a small shot glass and lime wedge.

Alec's first mistake was coming to the party. His second was drinking. One shot had become more quickly. He didn't even know how many he’d had. Chris kept pouring them, seemingly excited that Alec was willing to participate. There was no telling how long they’d been at the party. It could’ve been an hour or four. He felt too loose. Walking had become far too difficult so he was parked on Finn’s lap. They were on a white couch that would be a party casualty for sure. He thought they were in the house’s living room, but he couldn't tell because there were too many people and he was too tipsy. He was leaning against Finn as the other spoke to his friends. Alec couldn't remember being this sleepy in his life. He was so relaxed and Finn was surprisingly comfortable. He hadn't sat on his lap before and he was beginning to think he missed out. Alec giggled to himself. He would probably be mortified when this was all over and he woke up tomorrow.

He snuggled closer and was set on staying that way until they left. Then he heard the stupid voice. He swore Veronica was haunting him. Perhaps it was more correct to say that she was haunting Finn. His boyfriend hadn't stopped talking, but Alec had honed in on her words.

“I can't believe Finn brought him. It's whatever. If the kid wants my sloppy seconds, he can have them. Finn wasn't even that great in bed.”

Yeah, that's why you were pining after him and whining when he didn't officially date you. Alec thought bitterly.

Full of liquid courage, he squirmed in Finn's lap until he was straddling his boyfriend, knees on the couch. This was definitely new too. He heard some people laughing and teasing them good naturedly but he ignored it. Had Finn's eyes always been this pretty? Like molten chocolate run through with caramel? He was looking up at Alec with a mix of confusion and interest.

Finn's hands came to rest on his hips, “You doing okay? You had a lot to drink, babe.”

Alec didn't have the patience to process the new nickname. He draped his arms over broad shoulders and kissed Finn instead of answering. Finn kissed back right away and the hands on his hips tightened. He played with Finn’s hair gently as the other pulled him closer. Alec was waiting to panic but the alcohol must be quieting that part of his brain. So much so, that when Finn's tongue slid over his lip, he opened his mouth. Finn coaxed a deeply embarrassing noise out of him and Alec was thankful for the loud music around them. Finn’s hand slipped up the back of his shirt, stroking bare skin. His other hand had come up to tangle in the hair at the back of Alec’s head. The insecurity finally made an appearance. They weren't the only ones doing something like this, but he felt terribly exposed.

Alec broke the kiss, “C-can we go somewhere else?”

Finn’s eyes were hooded and he glanced over Alec with a strange look in them, “Like where? The bedrooms are full by now.”

Alec’s bravery wavered at what Finn’s words implied. That hadn't been what he meant. He just wanted to be around less people and make Veronica jealous, “Oh…I- “

Finn’s expression changed quickly, “You're uncomfortable. Come on. I'll take you home.”

They were heading for the door when Chris caught them, “Finn! Are you taking that scholarship? That's a hell of a school that scouted you! No way Iowa or Iowa State can compete!”

“Oh, I'm not going.”

“Ah, staying closer to home instead?”

“Nope. I'm not going at all. Milo's physical therapy is hard on him. I can't leave my family right now.” Alec took in Chris’ slack jawed stare and realized his was probably a mirror image. He was shocked and his mouth was hanging open as Finn tugged him out of the house and to his truck.

“What are you talking about?” He snapped as he yanked his hand from Finn’s.

“Huh?” Finn frowned, clearly confused.

“You're throwing away all those offers and scholarships?”

“Well yeah. My family needs me.” Finn shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck.

“I get that, but they've outright said they'll support you in anything you decide!”

“Alec... I love you, but this really isn't your choice.”

“I know! I know that, but I can't believe you’d throw away your future like this!”

“At least I'm throwing away a future for my family. You're throwing our future away because you're committed to this idea that anywhere is better than here. What if it isn't Alec? What if you're throwing this away-me away-for nothing!?”

“I’ve wanted to leave since I was old enough to make my own decisions. I have dreams Finn! That’s not something to scoff at! I can’t believe you! We're teenagers! What do you think this is? A fairy tale? Perfectly happy endings don't happen Finn! Especially for queers in small town Iowa!”

Finn was staring at him with wide eyes. He was angry and extremely sad. The look on his face snatched the breath from Alec’s lungs and made him want to cry. They were still on the front lawn. People were staring. Chris and Veronica were in the house’s open doorway. Veronica was smirking at him and Chris simply looked uncomfortable.

“Please take me home.”

Finn rubbed a hand over his jaw, “Alec-”

“Take me home or I'll walk.”

Finn sucked in a deep, frustrated breath and nodded once before getting into the truck. Alec did the same and slammed his door.

They’d driven a little way when Finn broke the silence, “Can we talk about that?”

“Can we not?” Alec frowned out the window.

“No. We're going to. You're allowed to constantly talk about how you wanna leave. You throw it in my face! You have no right to be angry at me for whatever I decide! It's not like you've ever taken my input in your decision! Which I understand. I know your parents are awful and you want to escape, but is it really worth leaving me and River behind?” Finn’s volume was steadily climbing.

“I'm not leaving River behind.”

“You really mean to go together?” Finn's voice was surprised. Almost as if he hadn't believed Alec when he had told him the plan. Denial was an interesting thing.

“Yes, and I just think you're making a mistake.” Alec shrugged.

“I'm beginning to think, that for you, this entire relationship was a mistake.” Finn shouted, throwing his hands up.

Finn’s word stung, but maybe it was better this way. He didn't have much of high school left. He'd never lied about his plans. Alec fiddled with his fingers in his lap, “Maybe it was.”

Finn slammed on the brakes and Alec’s seatbelt almost decapitated him. He pulled at the belt and rubbed at the fabric-covered skin underneath it. Finn was staring at him, but Alec continued to look down at his hands, “What did you say?”

Alec stayed silent. He was a little intimidated. Finn didn't get angry with him. He didn't yell, but then, they'd never argued like this.

He heard Finn unbuckle his seat belt, “What the fuck Alec?”

When he didn't answer again. Finn slammed his hands against the steering wheel. Alec jumped, eyes filling with tears as he still refused to look.

The driver’s side door flew open and Alec made out the sound of shoes on asphalt, “You've got to be fucking kidding me. Was this a game for you? I came out for you! Do you know how much shit I took? Do you know how hard it was to keep the heat off you? How many friends I lost? I have to change separate from my teams! I'm the captain of the football team and I have to be removed from my teammates!”

Alec wiped at his cheeks as tears started to slide down them against his will. Finn wasn't done. He was standing about 10 feet from the driver’s side door with his fingers linked behind his head as he stared up at the dark sky.

“I thought that the nerves when I touched you were just from your insecurity. You sure seemed fine in there! Was it all an act? Fuck, did you go along with this just to escape your parents? Was I a distraction until you got out of here? You've never been as invested in me as I was in you. I should have known! God!”

“That's not fair.” Alec protested weakly, swiping at his eyes as the tears came faster.

“Not fair? Not fair? You wanna talk about what's not fair? How about trying to love someone when their only goal is to get as far away from you as possible!”

Alec let his head drop into his hands. He hadn't been ready for it this soon. He didn't know something could hurt like this. He wanted to tell Finn that none of that was true. He did love him and while Finn was an escape, that's not all this was. Alec had been reminding himself from the start that this was going to end badly. He convinced himself he was realistic with his view of their relationship. He would be ready when it inevitably came to an end.

But then why did it hurt so bad? Alec’s vision was blurring and he gasped. He felt like he wasn't getting enough oxygen and his chest was painfully tight. It was as if someone had piled stones atop his ribcage. Finn was sitting on the hood of the truck now, hunched over, and wiping at his face. It hurt to look at him, so Alec closed his eyes. He didn't know how long they stayed there. They were lucky it was the middle of the night and there was no traffic. Finn had stopped right in the middle of the road. If a police officer happened to come upon them there was no doubt they would get in trouble. They were a terrible traffic hazard.

Alec opened his eyes when Finn's door slammed. He risked a glance at the other side of the truck. Finn’s eyes were puffy and red while his face was angry. Finn’s jaw was clenched tight and he started the truck without a word. Alec struggled to come up with the courage to talk. He knew Finn was hurting as well and he needed to clarify some things, but it seemed like he couldn't get any thoughts out of his mouth. Finally, he managed a weak attempt.

“Finn-”

“No.”

“I want you to know-”

“I don't care. Leave me alone Alec.” Finn snapped and Alec’s mouth clamped shut. Finn drove too fast and too quiet. When they pulled up to Alec’s house, Finn still wouldn't look at him.

“I'll... text you? Tomorrow?”

“No. Get out.” Finn muttered and Alec was more upset about the fact that he still wouldn't make eye contact rather than his words.

He bit his lip as a new wave of sadness crashed over him, “Finn...”

“Please.” Finn's voice was pitiful and pleading. It even broke. Alec was horrified.

He scurried out of the truck, leaving the jacket on his seat. Alec nearly fell to the ground when he struggled to get onto his roof. Finn had peeled out before he’d even made it to the house. The alcohol that had made Alec brave earlier, now made him clumsy and unbalanced. Part of him wondered if it had even made him react wrong during their conversation. He sat on the roof and looked up at the stars. He lost it completely when he remembered looking up at them with Finn. He thought he'd felt sadness before and he was so wrong. It drew out a bitter laugh.

This sadness was sharp and jagged. It cut apart his insides and shredded his heart. It crept through him and ripped at anything bright and positive. Then the remorse dropped into his stomach. Where it was a heavy, painful mass. His chest felt like it might collapse from the weight. Could you die from hurt like this? Was he going to wake up if he was even able to fall asleep?

Alec was almost positive that if he texted or called Finn, he wouldn't get an answer. The loss had opened a hole in his chest. Alec curled his knees to himself as he hiccupped through sobs. The hole was so big. It swallowed up his hope and happiness while providing a safe space for all his worst thoughts to fester. He wasn't sure if he would ever breathe normally again. The loss-the hole-stole his oxygen while it picked out his heart. Alec had told himself he would cope just fine when this happened, but one thought kept surfacing.

Had his dreams and freedom been worth this?