I Hate This Town - 36. Chapter 36: Cold Feet

He couldn’t help but think this was the way things were always meant to be. Or close anyway. The location just needed to change. Alec kept his eyes closed as he scooted forward, his hands curled between his body and his personal heater. Finn’s breathing was still even but the arm around his waist tightened anyway. He let out a happy hum and wiggled his arms until he could wrap them around Finn’s waist. This way he had enough room to smash his head against the man’s pecs.

It was almost too warm with the shared body heat and his thick comforter, but Alec wouldn’t even consider breaking them from their cocoon if he didn’t have to. It was obvious that he’d missed Finn, but he’d underestimated just how much. It wasn’t even about the sex. Though, to be fair, the sex was amazing. It was the snuggles. The hugs and kisses. Being in each other’s space and sharing a whole new intimacy he’d never known before. That’s why the separation had been so hard. Being held or having Finn in his space gave him immediate comfort and peace that he didn’t get from anything else.

“Mm, I have to run babe.” Came a tired mummer from above.

“Can’t hear you. I’m sleeping.” Alec mumbled against Finn’s skin.

Finn laughed and Alec huffed when it shifted his position in the blond’s arms. He rubbed his cheek against the man’s chest, “Stay here.”

“I gotta run baby.” Knuckles brushed along his spine and Alec frowned.

He pouted for a few seconds before a very simple plan came to mind. He turned his head and pressed a kiss to Finn’s sternum. Bringing his arms back around, fingertips traced over defined abs and then lower. Finn’s breathing stuttered as Alec’s hands and mouth moved lower. He glanced up at Finn, looking up at him through his lashes as he let his tongue dart out. Hooded brown eyes watched him and fingers tangled in his hair as he dipped down and opened his mouth.

Alec didn’t know if he’d ever breathe normally again. He panted and wiped the sweat off his brow with his forearm. Finn was smirking at him and other than his chest rising and falling more than normal, he seemed to be fine. Alec was a mess and he wasn’t sure which would happen first: his legs giving out or him passing out.

“Come on baby. You can do this. We just started.” Finn said and Alec glared at him as the other man grinned teasingly.

“Be quiet.” He gasped as his lungs refused to take enough oxygen in.

Finn stretched his arms above his head. Alec was too worn out to appreciate the exposed slip of skin. He’d thought that when he’d distracted Finn this morning, he would get his way. Nope. He got a sore jaw, a limp, and the other man still went running. Even worse, he made Alec come along. He wasn’t in the worst shape. He went to the gym occasionally, but he’d underestimated how far Finn ran every morning.

“Please babe? I don’t know the area. What if I get lost?” He looked up, knowing he’d see Finn’s pout. His gaze slid down as he bent over and gripped his knees. Alec hadn’t wanted to come but he had been excited this morning. Unfortunately, being horny did nothing to help his cardiovascular endurance. Well, sometimes, but this wasn’t one of the few times. He was suffering too much to drool over Finn’s tight, stretchy shirt made from who knew what, and his gym shorts. Alec could honestly say he’d never really been all that into “Gym Bro Chic”, but Finn was an exception. He made a strong argument for the look. Alec could either see or make out all the muscles in his upper body and his arms were exposed. All tan muscle, nice ass, and pretty eyes.

Alec wheezed and coughed. He didn’t even have enough reserve energy left to thirst over his boyfriend. He slowly straightened and hobbled over to a nearby bench. They were in the park. It wasn’t too far from his house. (Alec had still suggested they drive.) To his absolute horror they’d run to the park. Alec had been doing okay at that point, but then his sadist boyfriend had told him that part was just the warmup. He’d almost cried.

“Are you really that tired?” Finn walked over, crouching in front of Alec.

“Yes, your legs are longer than mine!” Alec frowned.

Finn chuckled and moved closer, resting his hands on Alec’s legs, “You wanna stay here? Or head home and I’ll finish by myself? I’m used to you being done before me.”

Alec’s head jerked up and Finn laughed loudly. He fought back a smile and tried to hold his glare, “Shut up. No. I’m already here. Let’s go, Larson.”

He stood and jogged away, smiling to himself when he heard Finn’s surprised sputtering and then the sound of heavy steps behind him. Finn caught up to him quickly and Alec downright shrieked as arms caught his waist, his feet left the ground, and Finn swung him in a circle. It pulled laughter out of him and he was still laughing when Finn set him back on his feet. He looked up at the blond and jumped in surprise when hands cupped his face and he was kissed slow and sweet. Alec tilted his head, bringing his hands up to rest on Finn’s. They stepped closer as if magnetically drawn together and traded kisses. It was cliché and Alec would never admit it out loud, but time slowed and everything around them faded.

He was disoriented when Finn broke away and took a step back, “Ready?”

Running turned into a normal routine and Alec found himself quickly building up more stamina. He was still always more winded than Finn, but he could keep up and match the man step-for-step. It was a nice distraction from the limbo he found himself stuck in. Things were moving along far too slow for his tastes. Alec wanted to be done right now. He didn’t want to be stuck here another month.

Even so, he was trying to make the best of it. Luke and Finn (unsurprisingly) had made fast friends and they’d met him and Cam for dinner a few times. August was busy more often than not, so eventually, Sage started coming along as well. It was strange. He was transitioning away from Washington, but he’d never felt as close to the other men as he had in the last week.

They’d been to Sage and August’s ridiculous penthouse to have dinner and they were just returning back to Alec’s. It’d been raining earlier and the wind was still wet and biting. He shrugged off his coat and wandered into the house while Finn kicked off his shoes. Pressing his palms to his cheeks, he tried to warm them up.

“It’ll be late fall, early winter when you’re finally back.” Finn said as he came up behind him.

Alec relaxed back against him, leeching warmth from the arms secured around his middle, “I know. I’m not excited.”

Finn kissed the back of his neck and rubbed Alec’s arms, “Do you think they’ll ask for an extension on the closing?”

“My realtor thinks so. I guess they need more time for something or whatever. She told me, but to be honest I wasn’t really listening that closely.”

“I don’t know how much more than a month I’ll be able to stay.” Finn said as he rested his chin on Alec’s shoulder.

“That’s okay. It shouldn’t be too much longer. You have to get back to your classes.” Alec said as he tried not to let his mood sour.

He said it was fine. He had to. If Finn knew how much the thought upset him, the blond would shoulder the weight of the world if it meant he could make it all better. It was good to be open with Finn and he’d share his feelings when they were officially living in the same state and every other problem was smoothed out. Alec could admit he was a little selfish. It was nice to know someone would drop everything for you. At the same time, he wanted only the best for Finn. It sounded like the other man had been working at this and it wouldn’t be right for him to throw it all away. He was terrified of holding Finn back. Codependency could be dangerous. He refused to be the reason his boyfriend didn’t get all the things he’d been tirelessly working for.

Alec leaned farther and reached his hand back to run his fingers through Finn’s hair when the other man began kissing at his neck. His eyes slipped closed and Finn’s hands dropped from rubbing his arms to hold his hips. If he could, he’d freeze time right here. They were together. They were happy. Right then, he didn’t have to think of the cliff they were balanced on the edge of. Soon, they’d be thrown into a whole new world full of uncertainty. Thinking about it made him anxious and upset his stomach. So, he wouldn’t for now. He’d snuggle back against his man and act like they weren’t on the brink. Maybe if he didn’t dwell on all that could go wrong, it wouldn’t?

“What’s on your mind?” Came a voice muffled from the mouth still pressed to his neck.

He was still deep in thought. Alec didn’t think, he answered, “I’m scared.”

The mistake was realized as soon as the words left his lips. Finn stiffened behind him and then lips left his neck. He kept his eyes closed even as he felt Finn step around him to see his face. He swallowed and decided he had to open his eyes. He wasn’t a child. He couldn’t just squeeze his eyes closed and act like this wasn’t happening.

“Why are you scared?” The blond’s brow was furrowed and his lips were downturned in the beginnings of a frown. Alec hated being the thing that always seemed to ruin his mood.

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

“We’re not doing that. It’s obviously something or your mood wouldn’t have shifted the way it did. It happens lighting quick when you start to over-analyze.” Finn snapped his fingers and Alec frowned at them and his tone.

Alec rubbed the back of his neck and shuffled around Finn, wandering to the couch in the living room. He knew Finn would follow. Sure enough, the man settled onto the cushion next to his. Sitting cross-legged, Alec leaned over. His cheek rested against Finn’s arm until it moved to wrap around him instead.

“Talk to me.” Finn’s voice was soft, less aggressive than it had been a few moments ago.

“Freaking myself out as per usual.” Alec sighed, curling against the other man more.

“In what way?” Finn’s fingers caressed from his ribs down to his hips and back.

Alec let his eyes slipped closed again. If he wasn’t such a mess, he could probably sleep this way. He was so in love it was ridiculous. He shifted and maneuvered around so he was sitting between Finn’s legs. A kiss was placed to the top of his head and but the blond remained quiet. It was something he’d learned before Alec had returned to Washington. He stayed quiet when Alec was in one of these moods. That is, if it wasn’t in the middle of an argument.

“Everything is going to change.” He said, finally.

“Yeah, but is that a bad thing?” Finn answered.

“In some ways, probably not.”

“What’s going through your head? Tell me.”

“We’re happy right now. What if it’s diffferent when I’m finally living there and we’re around each other all the time? What if we got swept up in all the emotions from seeing each other again and the ones that stayed around after the first time we were together? What if the novelty wears off?”

“You can run every single scenario you think of in your head, Alec. You’ll find all the ones that make you feel the worst. You can’t get hung up on them, though. There are scenarios where this works out babe. Where we do. We were brought back together for a reason.” Finn said and Alec focused on the steady warmth coming from the blond.

“You’ve been talking to Lukas too much.” Alec smiled, chuckling under his breath.

“He’s great and he and Cam have been through a lot together. Did you know Cam was only 18 when they met?”

“I knew he was young. I figured he wasn’t underage because Luke’s morals are pretty unshakeable, but I always wondered.”

“Cam stole from him and Luke gave him a job!”

“I said his morals were unshakeable, I didn’t say Luke wasn’t naïve.”

“It’s the same idea! They were brought together for a reason.” Finn argued.

“Yeah, the reason was Cameron was borderline homeless and he needed things to sell. Lukas had things.” Alec said, shrugging.

“Don’t be like that Alec. It’s romantic.” Finn whined, tightening his arms around his boyfriend.

“I don’t know if I believe in fate and destiny or whatever.” Alec sighed.

“That doesn’t matter. You just have to believe in us.” Finn said.

“What a line!” Alec laughed to hide the fact that Finn had an incredible way of unsettling the butterflies in his stomach.

“Call it whatever you want. You’re mine. You’re it for me and I’m going to do whatever it takes to make things work this time. I can’t go through losing you again.” Finn said. His voice was soft but deep and firm. It made something warm pool in Alec’s stomach.

At some point, he should address why his brain was trying to convince him that he was about to ruin his life. It wasn’t true. Far from it. No one had ever treated him the way Finn did. He and River were as close as brothers, and still the way Finn was tuned into him was different. He knew what to say and do when Alec was struggling. He constantly reassured Alec without having to be asked and that was priceless. They tripped up every now and then, due to similar trauma and issues, but they were developing into what would be a strong unit. They just had a few more things to address. Finn was scared that Alec would leave him again and Alec was afraid to let anyone in. On top of that, he was scared he’d run if things got too good.

“Finn…”

He took a deep breath and let his entire train of thought out. He told Finn all of it. He explained his fears and blinked away tears when he was nearly cradled in strong arms. Alec kept waiting for Finn to pull away; to be made upset by something he said. It didn’t happen. He held him tighter, almost protectively. After a while, he lost control and tears spilled down his cheeks. Alec hated crying. It made him feel absolutely disgusting, but he couldn’t stop.

Soft, sweet things were murmured into his ear as an arm hooked around his waist. His other hand rubbed up and down Alec’s side as the tears turned into sobs. It was the day of his mother’s funeral all over again. His throat and chest hurt. He knew his eyes would be red and puffy so he covered them with his hands. Alec barely reacted when Finn’s arms moved again and he gripped the other man’s shirt as he was lifted. Vaguely registering that he was being carried to the back of the house, Alec wiped at his cheeks roughly while his other hand remained in a death grip on Finn’s shirt.

They were snuggled in bed before he knew it. Alec was laying on top of Finn. His knees rested on the bed on either side of Finn’s hips. The hand was still attached to Finn’s shirt while the other lay at Alec’s side, his fingers resting against the cool sheets. Being wrapped in blankets and Finn seemed to calm his ridiculous crying. Now he was just sniffling like a baby with his face hidden against the chest that was currently his pillow.

“I love you. I never stopped. Never will.” Finn whispered softly and it almost tore another sob from Alec.

It was all he could do to keep himself from breaking down again. He wasted the rest of their evening like that. Clinging onto Finn and struggling to keep his tears at bay.

“Have you spoken to your therapist about any of this? No way they would’ve cut you off before you even move to Iowa.” Alec stayed quiet and he could practically feel Finn’s suspicions rising, “Alec?”

“I haven’t made an appointment in a while. I’ve been busy.” He admitted.

“You’re never that busy. This is quite possibly the worst time you could’ve chosen to stop treatment.” Alec flinched at the concern in Finn’s voice.

“I know. I made excuses. I tried to convince myself I’d be okay until I was moved. I’ll get something set up. It’s not fair to you.” Alec sighed.

“It’s not about me. You need help and I want to make sure you can get it. I happen to think I’m an awesome boyfriend, but I can’t handle everything you’re struggling with. I don’t know what to say or do sometimes and I don’t want to make things worse for you.” Finn said.

“I don’t know. I think you do a pretty good job handling me. Better than anyone else has. Romantically anyway. You make me feel better.” Alec tilted his head back, resting his chin on Finn’s chest as he met his gaze.

“Likewise. You make me happy. That makes anything better instantly.” Finn leaned forward awkwardly and stole a chaste kiss.

Alec curled up against the other man and they dissolved into a half-whispered sharing of fears. Alec had never had someone speak to him like this. Listen to him like this. Going into that bar and then the bakery had been the best choices he’d ever made. He’d never regret running into Finn again. He would however, regret fighting his instincts and heart. They felt the same way. Alec loved Finn. No matter what or who he’d done, that fact never changed. He was positive it never would and he was okay with that.

Despite his words, Finn had soothed his painful thoughts again. It’d be okay. They would be alright. He’d make this move and they could discover what it meant to be a couple again after all these years.