I Hate This Town - 25. Chapter 25: Talk it Out

Sitting in Finn's house trying to pull his thoughts together was surreal. They weren't kids anymore. Finn had a whole house and an adorable dog that was still making heart eyes at Alec. They weren't those kids in high school. Finn was similar in a lot of ways, but his blissful unawareness had subsided. He was still absolutely perfect in Alec’s eyes. Alec swallowed, conscious of the other man's eyes on him. Finn had said he was out of chances.
Alec’s thoughts barreled forward and he felt a downright sharp jolt of anxiety. No, there wasn't time for that. If he allowed himself to be bogged down by emotion, he'd ruin any chance with Finn that may possibly remain. So Alec sat with them. His emotions, his fears and his insecurity. Running from them had gotten him exactly nowhere. Hopefully his new approach would help him get through this conversation. He had come to the conclusion earlier while talking to his psychiatrist. The way he was pushed in those meetings always hurt, but it was worth it. He felt like the ground he was standing on was more stable than it had ever been with Finn. It was going to be hard and he was not looking forward to it.

“Since I've been here, I know I've done more harm than good. I'm scared and for a long time, Washington has been my safe space. I convinced myself that there was nothing left here for me.” He started quietly, pleased with how he'd managed to keep his voice even.

“Tell me something I don't know.” Finn said from the other side of the room. Alec shrugged the statement off, unwilling to let it stop him. He needed to get it all out once and for all. Just like he told Milo and Nina earlier.

“Anyway,” Alec glanced to Finn with a frown,” Being around, you felt so nice. It was so easy. I've never had that with someone I was interested in. The only problem was I'd convinced myself I couldn't stay and I couldn't get too attached. Then...I did. If that wasn't obvious from last night.”

“Where are you going with this?” Finn sighed, suddenly sounding exhausted.

Alec sighed and glanced to the dog. His eyes were on Finn and he was still whining. Alec curled his hands into his sleeves, “I-is there a scenario where you think this would work? Us, I mean?”

Finn’s face twisted in pain and he looked away again, “Haven’t we been over this?”

“We haven’t really talked about how we could make it work. I’ve mostly told you it won’t and you’ve insisted it will. Any ideas?” Alec smiled softly but Finn still refused to look at him.

“You don’t like my idea Alec and I didn’t like yours.” He answered flatly.

“What if…what if I stay?”

Finn’s head jerked up and snapped in Alec’s direction, “What are you talking about?”

“Staying. If I do, do you think we could have something that worked?” Alec’s eyes dipped from maintaining eye contact and he struggled to make himself reestablish it.

“You seem to have flipped dramatically in the last seven hours.” Finn said with a sneer.

“I know Finn. I know. It’s okay if you don’t want anything from me. I get it and I’ll leave, but I wanted to try. I wanted to show you I was committed to trying. You were the first man I loved. The first person I ever kissed and who touched me. I thought you’d be the first to make love to me but I didn’t dare dream of a future. I never wanted to go there because I knew it wasn’t going to happen. I wouldn’t give up my desire to get as far away from here as possible and you, understandably, wouldn’t give up your family.”

“When we had that fight and you stopped communicating, I convinced myself it was for the best. It crippled something inside me. I never felt about anyone the way I felt about you but I refused to swallow my pride and admit that I needed you. That I never wanted you to disappear from my life. I could’ve made it work. I could have, but part of me is glad I didn’t. I’m a stronger person now. That’s the only way I was able to finally admit this to myself. In a lot of ways, you’re the same as you were then, but you’ve changed too.”

“That's great, but it still seems too sudden. Are you okay? Like mentally? You're not making a decision in a crazy frame of mind that you're going to hate me for later?” Finn’s expression was guarded now, the tone of his voice wary.

Alec shook his head, “No. I’m not in ‘a crazy frame of mind’. Thanks for that, by the way. Just because I struggled doesn't mean I'm incapable of coherent thought and rational decision making. Sometimes it's just not my strongest skill.”

Finn flinched, “Sorry, that was the worst way to phrase that. I just don't want you getting caught up in last night and making a mistake.”

Finn stared and stayed silent. Alec shifted nervously. He sat anxiously waiting for any kind of a hint as to how the other man was feeling. Finn leaned forward. Balancing his elbows on his knees as he scrubbed his hands down his face. When he sat back up, he fixed Alec with an unreadable look. Hurky sneakily crept forward, nudging his nose into Alec’s palm.

Alec took a breath, turning his body more to face Finn as he continued petting the dog, “It's okay. I know what I'm doing. If it doesn't work or you're not interested in... pursuing something, I can return to Washington without too much difficulty.

“You're going to move away from River?” Finn asked with clear disbelief.

“River is important to me, but I need to let him live his own life. I am so codependent. It's not healthy.”

“Isn't your therapist Washington based?” Finn asked.

“I've already covered all the bases, Finn. Adult, remember? I can do telehealth calls like I've been doing since I got here, or I can find a new therapist altogether. They're not just in Washington, you know.” Alex smiled weakly at his lame attempt at a joke.

Finn sighed heavily, resting his face in his hands, “You hate Sunnyside.”

“Yes, but I don't have to live in Sunnyside.” Alec shrugged, and then frowned, “You're allowed to say you're not interested. You know that, right?”

“Alec, I wouldn't have made love to you off and on for four hours if I wasn't interested.” Finn said flatly. Alec’s cheeks heated and he tried very hard not to imagine all four of those hours in explicit detail. His lower back still ached, for crying out loud!

Finn was speechless. Alec’s nerves rose to fill the silence, “Like I said, there’s no pressure. I don’t want you to make a rash decision because of the choices I’ve made. I’ll be okay either way. Promise. If you want this, I want that to be the only reason you say yes.”

“Sorry, this is just a lot. I, uh, I think I’m in shock. Yesterday you cut all ties between us and then took me home with you. Then this morning you reaffirmed that you didn’t want anything to do with me.” Finn shook his head, running both hands through his hair.

“It’s confusing. I’m confused too, but for a different reason. I don’t know why I struggled with this for so long. The answers were pretty obvious.” Alec lifted his shoulders in a slight shrug.

“You want this?” Finn asked in a near whisper, “You want me?”

“I’ve always wanted you.” Alec smiled nervously.

“Fuck. Fuck me. I-give me a second, okay?” Finn stood abruptly and darted out of the room.

Alec frowned softly and the dog whined again. He smiled and held out his hand, palm up. The dog eagerly popped up and came over to get pets. It was soothing and Alec tried to clear his thoughts and focus on the soft fur and his need to avoid the strings of drool hanging from the animal’s mouth. He sat there for a little while, ignoring a text from River asking for a progress report. He was nervous. About his house, about his job, everything. He was also beyond grateful that River and Kenji had helped him organize everything. He’d decided last night that Kenji was decent even though he was a very direct asshole. His opinion only improved when he watched them together this morning. River was all manic energy in burgundy skinny jeans and a white button down that had to be Kenji’s. The other man was the opposite. Dressed simply, calm, and serious. They balanced in a beautiful way. He’d seen it plenty of times before. Opposites attracted.

River had even let it slip that Ken had asked him to go with him on a business trip to Japan. Apparently, the man was never supposed to be in Iowa. He was supposed to be oversees. He’d changed plans last minute when River had started to act strange. It was romantic in a slightly creepy way. He’d pulled strings to find out where River was and where he was staying. It was borderline scary, but it seemed Kenji’s energy matched River’s, he just hid it. Like the necklace on River and the bracelet on Ken’s wrist where a matching key dangled freely. Alec acted like he didn’t notice and honestly? He didn’t want to know. What the two crazies got up to behind closed doors was none of Alec’s business.

“Alright, I have thoughts!” Finn announced as he hurried back into the room. He sat back down in his original spot and then thought better of it, sliding across the cushions to be closer.

“Go ahead.” Alec smiled and waited patiently as Finn thought for a moment.

“I’m nervous. What if you’ve given up your entire life for the chance to start something and it crashes and burns? Then you’re stuck somewhere you hate and it’s my fault.” Finn said.

“I told you not to think about the other stuff. Only if you want to try and be together.” Alec shook his head.

“It’s really hard not to think about that stuff now that you’ve told me Alec.” Fin frowned, crossing his arms.

“Do you want me to stay? Yes or no?” Alec asked.

Finn hesitated for a moment, then, “Yes.”

“Do you want to try and be together?” Alec wanted to look away. What if the blond said no?

Finn was silent again and then he leaned forward, elbows on his knees, “Yes.”

“Oh okay, so then I guess…” Alec looked at Finn again.

“Hang on. I’ve got to know that you’re okay with this? What am I going to do if down the road in a year or whatever, you decide you hate it here and wish you’d never come back? What if you resent me?” Finn’s face was serious and Alec sighed softly.

It was a fair question. Everything was happening so fast. He’d been so certain that he’d never consider leaving Washington; completely set on it being his home. His thoughts had been roaring through his head for the week he’d been home. The pessimistic part of his brain convincing him it would never work with Finn so it wasn’t even worth trying. Alec chewed on his lip. Finn was less standoffish, but he still hadn't really answered any of his questions.

“You'd be giving up a lot.” Finn said softly.

“I guess, but I'd be gaining a lot too.” Alec shrugged, scratching behind Herky's ears.

“Alec…” Finn sighed heavily and dropped his head into his hands again. Alec braced himself, he thought for sure that Finn would be happy. Excited. So far, though, the conversation had been rather lukewarm. Maybe he'd pushed the other man too far? It would be what he deserved after acting the way he had since arriving back in Iowa. Maybe meaningless one night stands with faces Alec never remembered was all he deserved. He had chances to make things happen with Finn. He’d squandered them. Now, Finn was probably trying to find a way to let Alec down gently. He should have known better. A healthy, committed relationship just wasn't in the cards for him. What had he been thinking?

“Will you give me a chance to process my thoughts before you doomsday spiral?” Finn scolded.

“I wasn't!” Alec snapped defensively.

“Uh huh. Liar.” Finn chuckled.

Alec watched the blonde stand and then come to sit beside him. Even closer then when he’d moved over before. Finn took his hand gently, his thumb rubbing over Alec’s knuckles. He didn't speak for a while, and Alec tried to refrain from filling the silence with awkward chatter or negative thought. He took a moment to be surprised that the silence itself wasn't awkward. Despite the conversation, it was comfortable. Alec looked over at Finn. Even after 10 years, Finn was Alec’s calm. Which meant it was really going to suck if the blond rejected him.

“Alec. It doesn't seem fair.” Finn said softly, and Alec watched the thumb brushing repeatedly over his knuckles.

“Okay. That's okay. I'll-”

“Hang on. Relax. Calm down. I meant for you.” Finn said, lifting his hand to kiss along Alex Fingers, “You'd be giving up your entire life to try and be with me. You'd make who knows how many sacrifices and what? I sit here and reap the benefits without even meeting you halfway? Sounds like a shitty way to start a relationship to me.”

“You gave up so much for me, though!” Alec protested.

“How? Because I came out in high school? So? Sure. I had to make changes. I was treated differently and lost friends. It was for the better. It showed me who was really in my corner and who wasn't.” Finn said meeting Alec’s eyes.

“It had to be hard. You have sacrificed.”

Finn smiled, “You trusted me to care for you and protect you when you were terrified of the whole world. I'm sure it was hard to overcome, well yourself, really. You made us possible when you could have let everyone around us convince you that we shouldn't have been together. You might not see it as sacrifice, but I do.”

Alec didn't know why he was suddenly fighting back tears. Being back in his home state had really made him emotional. Good Lord. He'd already cried today! Finn’s words struck something deep inside. He'd been beating himself up for his self perceived weakness his entire life. High School was the biggest chunk of time. His brain liked to throw in his face. He hadn't done right by Finn. He couldn't be what his parents wanted. On the other side of that coin, he hated that he wanted to be what they told him to. He'd run away and he'd kept running until he couldn't see anything behind him. He'd repressed all of it. When he told his therapist that he thought he was fine to come to Iowa, he didn't realize just how much he had pushed into a box in the back of his mind. When it had all torn free, it had almost broken him in two.
Luckily, he had tools now. He had resources and of course he had River. Most importantly, he knew that the person that he had come to be here wasn't who he really was. Washington Alecwas so much more confident and strong than Iowa Alec, and he needed to marry the two. They were the same person in the end. What it boiled down to at the end of the day was running away again and acting like this was failing himself. He'd stopped doing that a long time ago. Alec needed to remember that. He'd forgotten. And now, after all this time, someone was claiming teenage Alec hadn't been completely useless either. He'd filed the younger version of himself away, embarrassed because he’d never seen that version of himself the ways others had. He wasn’t completely useless then? News to him.

He'd been a mess for so long. He'd been ready to bare his soul to Finn, but now, sitting in front of him, he didn't know what to do or say. He knew what he wanted, but it wasn't enough to get him to articulate. Why was it that in his life's most fragile moments, coherency abandoned him? What was happening? Was Finn agreeing to the plan? Was he rejecting it for some weird attempt at fairness? Alec had no idea, and he was starting to get antsy. Maybe this had been a bad idea after all. Alec hoped he wasn't making Finn uncomfortable.

“Alec. It's not okay for you to give up your entire life. It's not fair to me either.” Finn said.

Alec bit his lip. He wasn't sure if he could adequately brace for this let down. He didn't know how to. River and Kenji's effort this morning would be for nothing, and it was going to happen because Finn was a good guy. When had that ever been a problem? For anyone? What the hell was wrong with Alec? How did he continuously find ways to suck at things?

Stop getting so much in your head again. If Finn was uncomfortable, he would tell you! We're not this panicked, weak person. You're better than this. Take off your conductor hat and let the pity train continue without you. Stop it.

“Can we think of a different way?” Finn asked.

Alec stared blankly at the other man, “What?”

“I mean, so neither of us are just leaving our whole lives behind.” he explained.

“I… don't know.” Alec frowned.

Finn pulled him a bit closer with the hand he was holding, “We worked so hard for our lives, we should be able to enjoy them still.”

Alec didn't know what to say. He'd always seen the issue as black and white. Iowa or Washington? This grey area Finn was suggesting hadn't existed in Alec’s world. Now, however, the gears inhis head were grinding thoughts down. Thoughts and numbers. How could they make it work for both of them? Was there a way? Well, of course there was a way, but was it feasible? Could they finagle a way to get the best of both worlds? It seemed too good to be true. No matter what they came up with, everything had a price. The nicer the thing, the higher the price. That was his main issue. Using that logic, Finn was horrifyingly expensive. Which meant that Alec wasn't sure he could afford the blond. He was still having issues convincing himself that he deserved him.