I Hate This Town - 16. Chapter 16: Headcase

His legs felt like cooked noodles as they made their way down from the outlook. Alec stayed a safe distance away as he tried to process what had happened between them. The way Finn looked at him since they’d run into each other again wasn’t normal. There was something different in the way his pretty eyes lingered and how he seemed to have already tried to initiate physical contact a few times. He’d stood too close, he’d tried to reach for Alec’s hand in the bakery, and on the hike, he’d held out his hands more than once to catch him when Alec had lost balance. At this point, he’d rather have the physical touches. The looks were killing him.

He threw his smiles around way too casually. Surely, he was aware of their power? While trekking up the infernal trail, more than once, Alec had felt Finn’s eyes sliding over every inch of him. The man wasn’t subtle and Alec wasn’t stupid. Finn seemed to want to pick up where they left off. How could it be that easy for him? The blond had never been a nervous person, but they’d spent so much of their adult lives apart. How had Finn decided that Alec was still what he wanted? They were strangers now, but the other man acted as if Alec had never left. He’d restarted the dance that had them twisted together in high school.

Like before, Alec was anxious and dodging Finn, trying to keep his distance. Finn took the lead and was pursuing at a safe distance. He was moving far slower than he had when they were younger, gauging Alec’s reaction, but it was still the same. Alec worried his lower lip between his teeth as he thought. Maybe he wasn’t moving slower. Now that he gave it more thought, Finn had put in a lot of time and work when they were younger to make Alec comfortable. His cheeks heated as he thought of their first kiss, the truck bed make out session, and the events at the party right before they’d separated.

He sighed and rubbed his side. Finn had gone through so much to earn Alec’s trust and then he’d struggled even longer to be able to touch the boy. Why had he tried so hard? Alec was a mess back then and he would barely give an inch when Finn gave a mile. He glanced over to the blond. The sun was setting and the golden light was filtering through his blond hair. The glow made his tanned skin look downright delicious. It couldn’t hurt that much, could it? They could have a little fun while he was here and then he could go back home. Maybe it’d be a weird kind of closure.

No. Alec looked away from the handsome man and mentally berated himself. What an awful thought. There was no way Finn would be okay with that and Alec wouldn’t hurt him again. It wasn’t fair. Even if Alec fought tooth and nail to convince himself that he would be okay with an arrangement like that, he knew it would kill him. Finn had always been so good, so kind and sweet. He deserved so much more than a few one-night stands. Sure, Alec’s life had taken a strange turn where commitment and long-term relationships were unheard of, but that didn’t mean Finn was like that.

A low whistle pulled him from his thoughts, “That hasn’t changed, huh?”

“What?” Alec frowned, carefully stepping around a mud patch.

“You. Constantly in your head. God, when we were kids, I’d see you lose yourself up there and I would’ve killed to know just what had pulled your attention so hard.” Finn laughed softly, “I was selfish. I wanted all your attention all the time.”

“It’s not a fun place to be, my head. I’m mostly running everything over in my mind repeatedly. Trying to find a scenario or detail that hurts me the most.” Alec shrugged and smiled softly as he watched his feet on the uneven ground.

Fingers curled around Alec’s wrist gently and Finn pulled him to a stop, “Did you…Did you get help? You’ve had these problems for so long.”

“I did.” Alec said, unease growing. He didn’t want to talk about this. Mental health, especially his, was such a touchy subject. He’d ruined a lot of opportunities and things for himself when he’d been younger simply because he didn’t process like a normal guy and it killed him. He’d made things harder with Finn because he couldn’t pull himself from his tunnel vision. If only he’d been able to communicate better then.

Alec swallowed and shook off Finn’s hand. He couldn’t bemoan his lack of communication skills as a teenager when he was still failing in that exact area as an adult. He’d gotten better, but Finn seemed to reduce his brain to a puddle of anxious, lustful goo. Still, he was determined to get whatever he could from this trip. He wanted closure with his parents and the whole town. Finn included. He didn’t want to be looking over his shoulder when he left this time. He wanted to leave everything negative behind in Iowa.

“Turns out there’s a lot wrong with me. I’m in therapy and I take medication.” Alec rubbed his elbow and forced his eyes up to meet concerned brown.

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” Finn frowned and then a slow smile spread across his features as he turned and started walking, “Other than the 1,700ish miles you live away from here.”

Alec blinked and sputtered a little, tripping after Finn, eyes on the expanse of his back, “How can you say things like that?”

Finn shrugged without looking at him. Alec waited for more of an answer, but apparently the blond was done talking for the day. It took them a while to reach the parking area and the walk was mostly silent. Well, other than Alec’s heavy breathing. He really needed to do more cardio. It had a been a little while since he’d gone to the gym. He was regretting that decision as he took a break at the end of the trail where the dirt met the parking lot. He pressed his fists into his lower back and stretched as he caught his breath.

“Thanks for coming!”

Alec’s gaze was drawn over to Finn’s large red truck. He’d upgraded since their youth. It was nice, rust free, and somehow made him more attractive. In all fairness, it could’ve been the truck or the fact that Finn was peeling his tank over his head and all his glorious, muscled, golden torso was on display. Alec made an inhuman noise as he almost choked on his tongue. There was a light sheen of sweat on Finn’s skin and Alec was fairly certain he was going to either have a stroke or an aneurysm.

He managed to drag his attention away from abs and cringed away as they made eye contact. Finn was smirking. Alec felt a glare slowly pull down his features. He was toying with him. There was no way that Finn didn’t know what he was doing. It was cruel. Alec looked away and tried to get himself under control. God, had he been this desperate his whole life? He’d never felt this way before. As an adult, anyway. He thought back to the partners he’d had since Finn and failed to find anyone worth comparing. He and Finn hadn’t even had sex! This was ridiculous!

“I’m sure River is waiting for me. I should get back.” Alec answered, heading to his SUV.

“Mhm. Tell River I said hi.”

Suddenly Finn was behind him and Alec was trapped between him and the vehicle. Finn fished around in his gym shorts’ pockets and produced a pen. He scrawled something on Alec’s hand, but the other barely noticed. He was so close. Alec could smell his sweat and the underlying notes of cologne still desperately clinging to his skin. When Finn lifted his head, he did it in a way that ghosted his breath over Alec’s lips.

Finn’s eyes were hooded and he grinned lazily as he leaned down to whisper in Alec’s ear, “This way you don’t have to go to the bakery and hope I’m there. We were just lucky Nina’s a sneaky texter, eh?”

“Wha-“ Finn pulled away and strolled off to his truck, leaving Alec leaning against the driver’s side door.

His brain was fuzzy and Alec almost laughed out loud. He’d thought he was having a stroke before?

Alec had been hiding alone in his hotel room for hours. River was still out with his mother. The phone number was still written on his hand, although it was a touch smeared now. He hadn’t put it in his phone. He hadn’t taken any steps to make more connections to Finn. No matter how small they were. What had he been thinking? Was he a masochist? Or was it sadism that made him say yes when Finn asked him to hike? Who was he going to hurt more here?

Alec felt heavy. He’d taken his medicine when he’d returned to the room and he’d even scheduled a video call with his therapist. He laid on the plush hotel bed and stared up at the ceiling. Everything was too easy. They’d slid right into the roles they’d played in in their youth. Finn pushed and initiated and Alec tried to act like he wanted him at arms’ length even though he’d never wanted anyone closer. He wanted Finn to look at him. He wanted to touch him and be touched in return. Incredibly dangerous territory for two exes. They were older now. Why weren’t they smarter?

Alec pressed the backs of his hands into his eyelids as a pounding headache built and built. He’d gone into that bakery in the hopes that he’d see Finn. He’d agreed to go to the bar on the first night for the same reason. He’d only conned himself into thinking that it had been for River. No, it’d been selfish. As much as he protested and complained, he wanted to see Finn. He wanted to lay eyes on the man who had crossed his mind at least once every day for ten years. Alec groaned, throwing himself onto his front and smashing his face into a pillow.

Finn wasn’t the only one who had missed what they had and what they were. It’d been short and sweet. The handful of memories that Alec found himself clinging to in his darkest times were from the time he and Finn dated and some memories with River. They were the two men who had gotten him through every struggle. River was a constant. His friend was strong and brave. For both of them. The same way Finn had been when they’d fallen for each other. Alec turned his head, pressing his cheek against the pillow. Why was it that his foundation was built on two men who shielded, supported, and let him ride their coattails?

Alec’s nose wrinkled. Teenage Alec couldn’t do much for himself. He was smart. He handled his studies and school, but other than that, the boy had been worthless. He’d counted on others to pull him up when he should’ve been doing it himself. He wasn’t a weak person but knowing he could rely on Finn and River had made him rest on his laurels. If he’d been that way when they’d moved, college in California and his professional life in Washington would’ve eaten him alive. Alec closed his eyes. No. It wasn’t the same as it had been ten years ago because Alec wasn’t the same.

He had his own home, his own money, and he’d worked damn hard for his success. Would he have been able to achieve that relying on everyone but himself? No. River had been there through it all, but his friend hadn’t given him the ambition, the drive. He’d had that while still living at home. He’d been so young when he decided to throw himself into the abyss. Now he’d come out on top. Why was he terrified of Finn? Why was he scared of his mother? Finn was just Finn. The man didn’t have a malicious bone in his body if he was anything like his younger self. Much in the same way, Alec’s mother was set in her ways. She believed Alec’s life choices were wrong. She was still livid that she’d lost control. That’s why her grip had tightened brutally on his father. He didn’t know it for a fact, but the way his father looked helped him make an educated guess. Henry looked like he’d given up years ago. Mae wasn’t going to change. The most Alec could do was try to say his peace and get whatever scrap of closure he could.

He had to see the situation with Finn the same way. This wasn’t a fairytale and while Finn was obviously still interested, there was nothing that led Alec to believe this time would be or end better. Alec wasn’t going to be in Iowa long. A week, maybe two. He had a life to get back to and in reality, he’d disrupted Finn’s. He was sure Finn had built a life he was proud of. He was still surrounded by his loving family and even had his own business. They’d both done well for themselves. Separately. That’s the way they needed to stay. He wanted to talk about what had happened, but he couldn’t allow it to go further. So the solution for both obstacles-his mother and Finn-was communication and closure.

What would that mean though? What exactly did he need to get from them to close the book on this chapter of his life? His mother would spew venom no doubt, so would talking give him anything? He’d felt a moment of catharsis after their argument, but he didn’t want to fight her. He’d been fighting her in his head for years. Every time he did something for himself. Any moment in which he fell short in his own eyes. When he’d go on dates. Mae was there for it all. Therapy had helped but his negative internal monologue almost always sounded like her voice.

He rolled over again and looked at the number on his hand. Finn. He sighed. They needed to have a real conversation. An adult one. Not like the one they’d had right before Finn cut Alec out of his life. No tears and shouting. A mature conversation where they heard each other out. It was the only way they’d understand the other’s mindset. Alec’s eyes drifted to his phone. He told himself he was adding Finn temporarily. They would meet up, talk, and then Alec would delete the number when he got home.

He looked to the time. It was already eight. He’d been trapped in his head for so long. He sighed and his thumb slid over the green phone icon. Funny how one tiny movement, one simple tap, could plunge him into anxiety. He had so many thoughts battering the inside of his skull. It was overwhelming. It sapped his energy and made him crazy at the same time.

He needed someone to talk to. If River were back, he would’ve texted or knocked on Alec’s door. He was on his own with all these thoughts and emotions. He wasn’t strong enough to resist. He needed someone to talk to. He needed to get it all out. Maybe then he’d be able to come to a conclusion and collect himself. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He tapped the screen and watched as nothing happened. He hadn’t hit the icon dead on. He frowned. If he’d lightly tapped the screen and it had dialed, Alec could maybe convince himself it’d been an accident. Now though, he had to be committed to the decision. There would be no reasoning he could use to explain his behavior away.

“Hello?”

“Finn?”

“Well shit. I didn’t think you’d save my number. I really didn’t think you’d call me when we just spent the afternoon together.” Finn chuckled and the noise sent a tingle down Alec’s spine, “Miss me that much?”

“Shut up. What’re you doing?” Alec asked, throwing the blanket over his head and ignoring the heat in his cheeks.

“Don’t tell me to shut up, brat. It’s rude. I’m in bed.” Finn answered.

“I used to tell you to shut up all the time.”

“Yeah. You’ve always been a brat. Cute, but frustrating and a little snotty.” Finn laughed and Alec had to try really hard to be offended and not smile.

“Are you like 80? You’re already in bed?” Alec asked.

“I get up at four in the morning. I’m tired.” Finn whined, drawing out the last syllable of tired.

“Awe you poor baby.” Alec rolled his eyes and failed to keep the smile off his face this time.

“I can think of better ways for you to call me baby.” Finn said softly, voice dropping into a register that made Alec squirm.

“That was a stretch, Finn. I’m not staying in Iowa for long.” Alec said.

“Who said you were?” Finn asked, slightly muffled as if he’d smashed his cheek against something.

“You keep flirting with me. I think you should stop. I’ve been here two days and you’re already laying it on pretty thick.” He heard a soft snort. Was Finn laughing at him?

“You’re still attractive. I’ve never stopped thinking about you. Here you are after ten years, you think I’m going to throw away my second chance?”

Alec’s heart stopped for a beat, “Finn, no. This isn’t a second chance. You can’t think of it that way. It’s not going to work out. This doesn’t end the way you want. I’m going back to Washington. I don’t even know how long I’m staying.”

“Guess I better move pretty fast then, eh?”

“Are you dumb?” Alec cried, throwing his hands up.

There was soft laughter and rustling, “I’m trying really hard not to be this time.”