I Hate This Town - 6. Chapter 6: Fists and Feelings

Alec sprawled out in River’s desk chair. His friend was laying on his bed, ankles crossed as he drew in a notebook. Eventually, he would probably have to talk to the other boy. River was expecting it. They’d made it home from Finn’s roughly a half hour ago. It hadn’t taken River long to figure out something had shifted between Alec and the other boy. Alec knew it was mostly his fault. Finn hadn’t acted any different. Alec on the other hand, had been staring at the blond every time his attention was elsewhere. River had caught him more than once and by the end of the night, Alec was permanently bright red. When they’d left, Alec had barely gotten his car door closed before River was griping his arm and shaking him, trying to get all the details.

He'd managed to hold him off until now, but River’s blue eyes periodically flicked to him. He knew his friend wasn’t going to drop it. Alec sighed and let his head loll back. He stared up at the ceiling and sighed, “He kissed me.”

“No fucking way and you didn’t immediately reduce to a puddle of anxious goo?” River’s voice was surprised and Alec saw his pencil still on his notebook.

“I was pretty nervous and caught off guard, but he went really slow.” Alec’s face was on fire and he refused to look anywhere but above him.

“Was it…good?” River asked softly.

Alec groaned and held his hands over his face. He fought for a minute with his embarrassment as his brain took him back to Finn’s kitchen. He squeezed his eyes closed when imagining Finn’s lips on his. He’d been gentle and sweet. Alec was fairly sure his brain was going to explode. He couldn’t believe it’d happened. If not for his phone vibrating periodically in his pocket since they’d left, he wouldn’t know if he was awake. Alec was too scared to check the messages in front of River.

“Hello? Did you stroke out?” River prodded.

“It was…it was really nice. He’s nice.” Alec bit his lip and let his hands fall away. What did this mean? How much did Finn like him? Did he want to date? Wait, did Alec want to? He bit the inside of his lower lip and winced when he took too much skin. He wasn’t even a good kisser. He’d never done it before. It seemed like that wasn’t the case for Finn. How many people had he kissed? Were they boys or was Alec a fluke? He winced and squeezed his eyes tight again. Was he an experiment?

“Why do you look upset? You should be happy. Your crush likes you back idiot.”

“He did say that. Like those exact words.” Alec sighed and forced back his negative thoughts.

“Then stop it. Just let yourself be happy for five seconds.”

Later, when River was asleep, he finally checked his messages. He rolled onto his side and curled around his pillow as he hid a smile.

[F: I hope you got home okay.]

[F: Thanks for coming over. Tell River too. I had fun.

[F: Sweet dreams. Is it weird that I want to kiss you good night?]

[F: Ignore that last message. Took it too far.]

*

Things had changed and Alec constantly felt like his head was spinning. The night Finn kissed him was strange in his memory. He remembered bits of his conversation with Milo and parts of the hangout with River afterward, but the kiss was different. He remembered every feather light touch of Finn’s finger on his skin. He’d memorized the feel of the blond’s lips on his. It’d been five days since that night and the text messages. There’d been light touches between the two, but nothing further. Finn would wrap an arm around his shoulders while they walked to class. His hand would settle on Alec’s lower back when he slid around him. He’d even carried Alec’s backpack from class to class on more than one occasion. It made Alec a little uncomfortable. It also made him disgusting and gooey inside.

As per usual, Finn was oblivious to the stares they received when they were together. Alec felt them like a physical, heavy weight pressing down on him. It was unsettling and made his skin crawl. He thought it might die down with time. Certainly, something else would happen to draw his classmates’ and the rumor mill’s attention away from whatever was going on between him and Finn? So far, though, there had been no luck. Alec felt eyes on him everywhere he went. He heard whispers down every hall and he knew at least some of them must be talking about him. It was stupid. So one of their favorite people, their golden boy, had taken an interest in him, what’d it matter to them? It wasn’t his fault Finn liked him. Or maybe it was? Had he done something special to catch his attention?

Alec was a mess.

He shook his head as he loaded his materials for his next class into his arms. They hadn’t really talked about it. What had happened in the kitchen before River joined them. He didn’t know how to broach the subject and he feared where it might lead. What if it ended their friendship? What if it didn’t? For some reason, the thought of his relationship with Finn going further made him equally as nervous as the end of it did. He took a deep breath and made himself walk. This was ridiculous. He couldn’t think of anything that didn’t center around the blond. He’d been having a hard time focusing in class too. That couldn’t happen. He needed perfect grades to ensure he would gain his freedom. His escape. No one could stand in the way of that. He needed to get it together. That being said…

Finn said he liked him, but how much? Was it just a passing interest? They hadn’t been alone again since then. River was a constant audience. Alec winced as he closed his locker with a little too much force. River had been a comforting presence for so long, but now, he was almost another obstacle. Alec grimaced as he slid into his desk after walking to class. It was wrong to think of his friend that way. River was fantastic. He was an amazing friend and he probably thought he was helping. Still, Alec couldn’t help but wonder what would happen the next time he was alone with Finn. Would he kiss him again? Did he want him to? Alec wasn’t even positive that the other boy had liked it. As his brain enjoyed constantly remind him. If Finn had enjoyed it, wouldn’t he have tried again?

Had Finn dated? Alec’s grip on his pencil tightened as he completely tuned out his teacher’s voice. It was possible Finn had done even more and Alec still got all mixed up about a single kiss. He bit his lip, eyes glazing as he fell further into his negative thoughts. Did Finn even want…that…with him? Would Alec even be good at it? He let his face drop into his hands as he allowed himself to wallow in self-loathing and pity.

“Hey.” Alec jumped when a hand descended on his shoulder. Class was over and Alec had no idea how long he’d been spiraling. River raised an eyebrow, frowning a little, “Are you okay? You’ve been really weird lately.”

*

That was how they ended up in Alec’s room after school, sitting cross-legged on the floor, facing each other. Alec was twitchy and he didn’t know what to do with his hands. So, he settled for pushing faded bangs out of his eyes, fiddling with his hoodie’s zipper, and bunching the excess hoodie material in his hands. River was staring at him suspiciously, arms crossed over his chest. Alec swallowed and felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Oh, he’d forgotten to wait for Finn after classes. He’d practically dragged River out of the school at the end of the day. He rubbed his neck and looked up as panic tightened his chest and tears burned at the corners of his eyes.

“What’s going on? You look really upset. What happened?”

“Nothing really happened. Maybe that’s the problem. I’m freaking out about Finn.”

River blinked, the tip of his tongue flicking against the silver hoop through his lip, “Okay, why? What’re you freaking out about? Did you kiss again? Do I need to defend your honor and maidenhood?”

“God, you’re so weird! No, nothing like that! I just…I’m nervous.” Alec didn’t know why telling someone felt like it lifted a weight off his chest while simultaneously forcing him farther into panic.

“Alright, about what?” River tilted his head to the side and then frowned, “What’s got you so worked up?”

“We haven’t done anything like that since. He hasn’t even tried and I’m worried he didn’t like it.” Alec didn’t feel like he should add that he wasn’t even sure he believed Finn when he’d said he liked him. Maybe it was just to get something from him? It might even be a joke. No, Finn wasn’t like that. Alec shrugged one of his shoulders as River looked at him incredulously.

“Stop it. He’s trying to go slow so you don’t freak out. Even though you’ve still somehow found a reason to anyway. He likes you. He came right out and said it.”

“I g-guess you’re right.”

“I’m still missing the problem then.”

“We’re never alone and I’m worried about what’ll happen when we are.” Alec couldn’t look at River, heat radiating from his cheeks.

“Did you like the kiss? Do you want him to do it again?” River said, releasing a long-suffering sigh.

“Yes… to both.”

“Alright, then why would you be scared about it happening again? If you want it?” River’s head fell to the side and he raised a single eyebrow.

“Well…It’s just…”

“Oh. Oh! You’re scared it might go even farther than that?” Both of River’s eyebrows were reaching for his hairline. A wide, mischievous grin popped onto his face. Alec opened his mouth and then closed it when no words rolled forth. River nodded, grinning still, “You’re scared that Finny boy will get handsy.”

“Y-yeah I guess. What if that’s all he wants?” He’d wrote the thought off mentally earlier, but his brain had doubled back and doubled down.

“You’re dumb. You can’t tell me you honestly think he’s like that. Why would he have wasted time telling you he likes you?” River scoffed.

“Well, what do I do then?” Alec moaned miserably.

“Set up a hangout with him. Where it’s just you two. My guess is Finn will take care of the rest. Plus, I’m sure he’d stop if you didn’t want something. You’re going to have to be brave.”

“L-like a date?” Alec squeaked.

“Yeah. Couples do that.” River rolled his eyes, resuming fiddling with his lip ring as he looked at this friend. His head tilted to the side, “It’s Wednesday. Text him. Do something on the weekend. Also, snap a pic of his stupidly hot brother while you’re there. As payment. For me being a kick ass friend.”

“Milo is 26 River. He’s too old for you.”

“Mm, a boy can dream. Specifically, about biceps and Adonis belts.”

“I don’t even know what that second thing is.” Alec rolled his eyes and unlocked his phone screen, cringing at the messages from Finn that he’d missed.

[A: Do you want to do something this weekend?]

He didn’t have to wait long for a reply.

[F: When and where? Game night with River?]

[A: No. Just you and me. Your house?]

Alec was glad this wasn’t in person. No doubt he would’ve been a blushing, stuttering mess who chickened out in the end. There was a much longer pause and he exchanged a look with River. He was right. Finn really wasn’t that into him. How could he have thought someone like Finn would legitimately be interested in Alec of all people? Especially when he had girls like the pretty redhead and banshees at his party into him. Stupid, delusional. Now he’d freaked the blond out and they’d get stuck in an awkward situation where Finn gave him the silent treatment again. Or worse, Finn would act like it never happened because he was too nice to tell Alec he was crazy and out of his league. Alec’s stomach hurt and he wanted the thoughts to stop. Instead, they seemed to gather steam and rattle around violently in his skull. He dragged his fingers through his hair as his mental breakdown reached a fever pitch and tears welled.

Then, his phone vibrated.

[F: Hell yeah! You can just ride home with me after school.]

Alec flushed, covering his face and River whined, “Hey, the suspense is killing me. Did your boyfriend say yes when you asked him out? That is what you did right?”

“F-Friday.”

“Damn, proud of you kid!” River wiped at an imaginary tear, pawing at his friend. Alec shoved him away, and when he persisted, laughingly tackled him.

Alec didn’t hear anything anyone said to him until lunch on the day. Friday. He was too stuck in his head. He’d moved through the classrooms and halls like a zombie. His thoughts held him hostage and continued to break down what meager self-confidence he and River had managed to muster over the week. He was miserable and he had tried to cancel his plans more than once. He’d had his phone out and had even gone as far as clicking on Finn’s contact. He’d stopped himself each time, but it was getting harder and harder. Alec had half a school day left and he wasn’t sure he’d remembered anything he’d heard the first half. This was bad. He needed to stop. He closed his locker and almost came out of his skin when Finn was on the other side, “Oh my god!”

“Ah, sorry.” Finn smiled gently down at him with a look that twisted up his insides, “Still coming home with me today?”

“M-my mom said I could.” Alec nodded.

“Nice. When do you need to be home?”

“Eleven.” Finn had stepped closer, crowding into Alec’s space.

“Alright. I’ll meet you here after school.”

“Okay sounds- “Alec broke off as Finn darted forward, kissing his cheek. He beamed, waved, and then turned to jog away. Alec blinked, stunned. He held his cheek, face surely fire engine red, and walked to the cafeteria in a daze.

*

He was going to be sick. There was only so much stalling a person could do. River was waiting by the classroom door, amused smile on his face. Alec ignored him, restacking his books again for optimal carrying. He looked around, desperate for something else to distract himself with. He focused for a few seconds on the detailed leave River had doodles on his arm. They circled his wrist delicately and wrapped around his forearm, ending at his elbow.There was nothing else and River’s drawings only took up a few seconds. He couldn’t keep this up. River had to have noticed too, if the chuckle across the room was any indication.

“Are you really that scared?” His friend asked, leaning against the door frame as he pushed his hair out of his eyes.

“Shut up.” Alec answered as they finally left the classroom. He shoved River playfully and the other boy shoved back, laughing. They traded barbs until River froze in his tracks. Alec frowned, looking at his friend and then around him to see what was wrong.

Finn’s back was against the lockers. Two other guys Alec recognized from his first day had Finn pinned. One of them had his arm across Finn’s chest, trying to hold him in place. Alec’s chest tightened. They were big for highschoolers, just like Finn. He was pretty sure they were on the football team. Each looked like he could break Alec in half if he were really committed. Both were shorter than Finn, but not by much. One-Alec thought his name was Cody-had a shaggy brown mullet. The other, possibly Brandon, had messy blond hair that reached below his chin.

Alec could barely make out their conversation, “We’re trying to help you man. Don’t get defensive.”

“Yeah it really looks like that’s what you’re doing. I didn’t ask for your help. Talk shit again and I’ll do something about it.” Finn’s voice was lower and Alec had never heard it so rough-sounding. His expression was strangely calm, but his eyes. His pretty, dark, brown eyes were full of anger and something else Alec couldn’t name.

“I don’t want to fight you. We’ve been friends since sixth grade.” Brandon said, almost pleading.

A girl stepped forward-the redhead Finn had been talking to the day he met Alec in the computer lab-and rested her hand on Finn’s bicep, “Finn, honey, what’re people going to say? Think about when they find out with who.”

“I don’t really care. Get off me Cody. You have, like, ten seconds. You too Brandon.” Finn’s mouth had dropped into a deep frown, eyebrows furrowing.

“You’re going to lose all your friends!” Cody exclaimed dramatically.

“Maybe that needs to happen. I don’t know that any of you are real friends if you’re going to talk to and about me this way.”

“Finn, babe, c’mon. We’ve had fun together. There’s no way you’re like that. Come over after school. I’ll make you feel better. You’re just confused.” Her honey-sweet words cracked something inside Alec. The pain took his breath away. At least she’d answered some of the questions he’d had about Finn’s experience.

The crappiest silver lining to ever exist.

River strode forward, “I don’t know what’s going on here, but you’re blocking my friend’s locker.”

River’s voice was calm and even, but Alec saw him tuck shaking hands into his pants’ pockets.

“Go away freak.” Brandon sneered. Cody glared at River, and Finn looked surprised. The girl turned. Her cold look settled on Alec. He’d recognized her voice. She’d been the girl complaining loudest at Finn’s party.

“No. You leave. We need to get to that locker and you’re in the way.” Alec and Finn both stared at River. His friend had a backbone made from absolute freaking steel.

Cody scowled and stomped forward, grabbing River’s collar. Alec’s friend flinched as the much bigger teen drew back his fist. All thought left him. Alec scurried forward and shoved as hard as he could. Cody stumbled back, righting himself before he fell. It didn’t matter. Finn had broken free and as soon as he reached Cody, he shoved him again. Much harder. Cody landed roughly on his backside.

“Leave them alone!” Alec watched in horror as Brandon joined the fray, punching Finn right in the face. Alec winced. Finn staggered then gave Brandon a taste of his own medicine after he’d shook his head and rallied. His fist connected with the other’s jaw and Alec rushed forward as the jock crumpled to the floor. The girl was yelling and Cody was staring wide-eyed.

“Really man? For some gay kid?” Cody asked. Alec ignored the stab of pain and took a deep breath. People sucked. Finn turned on Cody, stalking forward with fists balled as Brandon moaned in pain.

“Wait! Wait! Stop! Stop, it’s okay! Let’s go. Let’s just get out of here!” Alec stood between Finn and his former friend, holding his arms out. Finn took a deep breath and Alec hesitantly took his hand, linking their fingers.

“Please.” He asked softly, looking up at Finn. The skin under the blond’s left eye was already red and angry-looking. Finn nodded at last, face grim, and let Alec lead him away hand-in-hand. River followed and Alec allowed himself a breath finally. He didn’t think he’d breathed at all through the whole altercation and he was suddenly gasping for oxygen. Only later would he realize that when they’d left the school, he hadn’t been able to grab his books. Luckily, he didn’t have much homework because that was the least of his worries.

“What was that all about?” River asked, clearly shaken up.

“Nothing.” Finn snapped, “I’m going to raincheck tonight, Alec. Bye guys.”

Alec watched him go, frowning. River hooked an arm around his shoulders, “C’mon, let’s go.”

His heart was heavy, chest tight. He’d wanted to cancel all day, but now that Finn had, he felt sick. He had no way of knowing what started the conflict earlier and he’d never seen Finn so upset. He was still reeling from seeing him punch someone, and hard. He chewed his lip. He’d been a little scary, but at the same time, warmth coiled in Alec’s abdomen and lower. He’d defended him and River. He looked out the window and sighed. Should he text? Call? He didn’t know how to check on Finn. It was always the other teen opening and continuing communication.

Alec had to think of something.