Make us laugh!

[MikeL]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband with a fly swatter. "Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

"How can you tell males and females apart?" she asked.

He responded: "Three were on a beer can. Two were on the phone."

[JamesSavik]

 

Quantum theory weirdness makes Schroedinger's cat hork up particle hairballs.

 

[Andy78]

[Slytherin]

 

[Andy78]

[MikeL]

John, who lived in the North of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Ken. They loaded up John’s minivan and headed North. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered at the door if they could spend the night.

“I realize, it’s terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I am recently widowed” she explained “and I am afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Don’t worry,” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and, if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

About nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow from the farm he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend, Ken, and asked: “Ken, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about nine months ago?”

“Yes, I do,” said Ken.

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit without me knowing it?”

“Well, yes,” said Ken, a little embarrassed at being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”

“And did you happen to give her my name instead of yours?”

Ken’s face turned red, and he said: “Yeah. Look, I am sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything!”

[MikeL]

Doormats With Attitude:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Rano]

I hardly visit Make us Laugh! only 'cause it takes so long to download, but today I'm glad I stuck it out

 

Ah, man! The Husband Store and Doormats with attitude really made this already brighter than bright Monday even Brighter. Some time since I've had such a good cackle  

[Valkyrie]

I think I live in this moment... lol

 

[MikeL]

[Slytherin]

  cute

[MikeL]

LESSON FOR TODAY

 

 

 

 

Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener grass.

In the process, we end up in trouble.

And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a
situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should
always remember:

Not everyone who shows up...Is there to help you!!!!

 

 

 

 

That is the end of today’s lesson!
 

[JamesSavik]

I'm not as think as you drunk I am....

 

My salute to intoxication.

 

 

 

[MikeL]

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it
down in one swig.
         
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst
into tears.
         
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t
stand to see a man crying."
         
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I
was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the
parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any
insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old
lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
         
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it
all, I buy a drink, I drop a poison capsule in and sit here watching
the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the
whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[MikeL]

THE SENILITY PRAYER:  

 

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway; 
The good fortune to run into the ones I do; 
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

Edited September 26, 2014 by MikeL

[Daddydavek]

I got this from a friend of mine who lives in the great state of South Carolina!

 

 

Subject: FW: Confusion at Walmart
 

There was a bit of confusion at Walmart this morning.

When I was about to insert my credit card to pay for my purchase of shotgun shells and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

 I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

 They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

[Slytherin]

 It's Friday

[Valkyrie]

[Slytherin]

 

OMG that is so wrong ! LOL

[MikeL]

[Valkyrie]

You mean there are other uses for computers? 

 

[Daddydavek]

You mean there are other uses for computers? 

 

 

So old people are being discriminated against?  Don't they have a right to porn like the rest of us?

[MikeL]

FATHER OF THE YEAR

A man boarded a plane with six kids. 

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? " 

He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company.  These are customer complaints."

[Slytherin]

 

[Andy78]

I've seen this happening so many times when I've been in Stockholm

 

Edited September 28, 2014 by Andy78