Make us laugh!

[Slytherin]

 

 

Edited October 23, 2014 by slytherin

[MikeL]

Still more from Hollywood Squares:

 

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? 
A.  Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. 

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? 
A.  Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. 

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? 
A.  Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. 

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? 
A.  Paul Lynde: Tape measures. 

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? 
A.  Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

[MikeL]

Apple does it again!

 

Apple announced it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

 

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

 

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!!!

[Daddydavek]

 

Apple does it again!

 

Apple announced it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.

 

The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

 

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!!!

 

 

Thanks MIKEL

 

I had to copy this and pass it on. DDK

[MikeL]

Medicine Man

 

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.  The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working? "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we too could end up with a dangling participle.

Edited October 26, 2014 by MikeL

[MikeL]

DAD AT THE MALL

 

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. His clothes were equally colorful: bright blue pants, electric green shirt, yellow belt....and I think there was eye makeup involved, too. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

 

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What?s the matter, old man?  Never done anything wild in your life?"

 

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

 

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Slytherin]

 

Edited October 27, 2014 by slytherin

[K.C.]

 

[Valkyrie]

Oh hell, no! 

 

 

[MikeL]

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

 

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

 

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

 

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.

Edited October 28, 2014 by MikeL

[MikeL]

[Slytherin]

 

[MikeL]

An 83 year old woman was pulled over by a young patrol officer. 

 

The officer asked the woman, "Do you realize that you were speeding?"

 

The woman looked very perplexed, but stammered out, "Well - yes I was - but I wanted to get there before I forgot where I was going."

 

A few minutes later the woman was on her way, in the possession of a warning ticket, and the young officer was standing there shaking his head, with a smile on his face.

[MikeL]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!  Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[Slytherin]

 

[MikeL]

[Slytherin]

Edited November 2, 2014 by slytherin

[MikeL]

The trunk monkey...

 

[lovesickpuppy]

The trunk monkey...

 

 

I wish that the youtube vid didn't put "trilogy" on there, because there were four of them. Lol. 

[Valkyrie]

[MikeL]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. 

Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt  that I had downloaded off the Internet. 

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.  I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.  Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. 

Here's the patch.  Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running. 

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...

[Valkyrie]

[JamesSavik]

WTF!?

 

[Slytherin]

I love this, James ! :lol:

Edited November 3, 2014 by slytherin

[MikeL]

REDNECK LENT
   
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill
and cook a venison steak.
   
But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic. And since it was Lent,
they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
   
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a
problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
   
The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.
   
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the
priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a
Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
   
The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed
into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he
stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he
carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
   
You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.