Make us laugh!

[MikeL]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

 

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

 

The next day someone stole it!

Edited November 5, 2014 by MikeL

[Slytherin]

[MikeL]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' 

'Ninety-six,' she replied: 'Two years younger than me.' 

'So you're ninety-eight,' the undertaker commented. 

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Edited November 6, 2014 by MikeL

[MikeL]

I've sure gotten old! 

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. 

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. 

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. 

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license.

[MikeL]

[MikeL]

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. 

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'

[MikeL]

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”

[Slytherin]

 

[MikeL]

[MikeL]

[Valkyrie]

Also applies to Game of Thrones. 

 

[JamesSavik]

And Titus Andronicus was a cooking show. A rather ghastly one...

[MikeL]

[john05767]

They say beauty is only skin deep. Who wants an attractive colon?

[TalonRider]

I've been hearing this one for a radio commercial selling rugs.

 

How many sheep does it take to knit a sweater?

 

 

None, sheep can't knit.

 

[MikeL]

Women are born this way...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=qGIkLQPT2Wg

 

Be sure to watch the whole video (< 1 minute)

[MikeL]

[Slytherin]

 

 

Edited November 16, 2014 by slytherin

[MikeL]

Forgetfulness

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=7lSliucgygc

[JamesSavik]

 

 

That reminds me of Calvin & Hobbes!

 

 

 

[MikeL]

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn."

[Valkyrie]

[craftingmom]

This is one of my favorites.

[MikeL]

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To hide my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . . "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was ... 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

Edited November 18, 2014 by MikeL

[MikeL]

A man drove his car into a ditch on a quiet country lane. Fortunately, a farmer passed by with a horse. "Could your horse pull my car out of the ditch?" the driver asked. "Buddy's a big, strong horse," the farmer replied. "We'll see what we can do."

The farmer hitched Buddy up to the car and said, "Pull, Samson, pull!" Buddy didn't move an inch.

The farmer said, "Pull, Troy, pull!" Again, Buddy didn't move an inch.

Finally the farmer yelled, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse effortlessly pulled the man's car out of the ditch.

The driver was grateful, but mystified. "Why did you keep calling your horse by the wrong name?"

"Well, you see," the farmer replied, "Buddy is blind, lazy, and a bit stupid. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."