100% Gay = 100% Confident?

[Johnathan Colourfield]

I have a question

 

basically my mum forced information about me and my new relationship to her today.

 

And she said 'because you didn't have the confidence to tell me, this clearly means you are not 100% gay. There's no denying it.'

 

I for one know i'm 100% gay - female parts repulse me lol

 

So whats your opinion? Do you have to be 100% confident in your sexuality to be 100% gay?

[Zombie]

No Don't want to diss your mum but she's wrong For me there are two stages - accepting your own sexuality (took me a long time even though, looking back, I now see I knew from an early age); and revealing your sexuality (or staying locked in the closet)

[harcallard]

I have to agree with zombie.. it was hard to admit it to myself and when I finally did, it was harder to tell people. However, when I finally did tell everyone, I knew I was 100% gay.. Hang in there mate....either she will accept it or she wont.. It is here problem not yours

[joann414]

No, or I would not be so new out of the closet. I am bi, but did not come out until last year to a few close friends, and some members of my family. Some of those from relationships when we were very young are married also, and so far in the closet, you would have to burn the house down to get them out. They know they are bi, but are scared of others knowing even tho they are in a stable, long survived, relationship. I just got tired of not being my full self. I want to be able to talk and relate to others as the real me.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

I have a question

 

So whats your opinion? Do you have to be 100% confident in your sexuality to be 100% gay?

 

Since I'm old enough to be your Mum, let me offer my two cents.

 

She's probably a bit put off that you would say female parts repulse you - probably want to keep that to yourself next time

 

Okay seriously - her logic is a bit like this - All of Winston Churchill is dead, therefore all dead people are named Winston Churchil.

 

Being sure of who you are isn't the same as feeling secure enough in your surroundings to tell people everything about you. For example. My family knew first before my friends, then a few friends, but not work, then finally I came out at work, but didn't wear a pink triangle or have a rainbow flag on my car, now we have the sticker on the car - but I'm no more or less gay now then when I first came out. I'm just more secure in my surrounding and have a greater support network to rely on if and when things go bad.

 

So just because all of you is gay, doesn't mean you tell all people all things about your gayness.

 

Momma Q

Edited July 25, 2012 by Andrew_Q_Gordon

[NotNoNever]

You're 19. Does she really expect to know everything about your relationships? Should she expect to? Has anybody tried to explain to her that her holding of knowledge is not a pre-requisite to a thing being 'so'? What is the bit of knowledge that you didn't share? That you are fully gay, rather than bi? That you like to look and buy, rather than just read the catalogue. Does she want a picture of you kissing a guy with your ankles at your ears? Or did you deliberately not tell her the sufficient of full facts in the first place? Did you deny any element of this new relationship? Like he's your boyfriend?

 

There comes a time when the ties have to be broken in order for them to survive at all. Tell her to accept her wee boy is a bum bandit and get over it ('cept, not in those words). I said tell her. Don't ask her. Your dignity is not predicated upon her acceptance. Your happiness shouldn't be either. If she expects that your happiness as an adult should have its foundation in her liking you for what you are, then, for your own sake, you need to make a complete break till she accepts. To do otherwise is to sacrifice your health and wellbeing on the altar of her viewpoint. And that's no way to live. The facts are the facts. She has to learn to live with them. Some sons are gay. Get over it.

[NotNoNever]

QT, I seem to remember a query from CJ, I think, about your new handle. I don't remember him giving you the Momma Q option. Does this mean you are getting more in touch with your feminine side? Are we about to see you in a frilly frock in your gallery? Is this the latest stage in the coming out progression you mention in your advice? Do you secretly lust over the stilleto pages in the home shopping catalogues? There's gonna be questions. Especially from Granny Q, and Daddy Q2.

[A.J.]

basically my mum forced information about me and my new relationship to her today.

 

And she said 'because you didn't have the confidence to tell me, this clearly means you are not 100% gay. There's no denying it.'

 

I've only chatted with you once, but I get the impression that your lack of confidence is in parents and not your sexuality.

 

AJ

[MJ85]

Yeah...I'd have to say that it's your mum who's not 100% willing to accept that you're gay ...and this is her...back-handed, I guess? Way - of trying to disprove you being gay as far as she's concerned.

[MikeL]

basically my mum forced information about me and my new relationship to her today.

 

And she said 'because you didn't have the confidence to tell me, this clearly means you are not 100% gay. There's no denying it.'

 

Since I'm old enough to be your Mum, let me offer my two cents.

 

Momma Q

 

OK, John. I'm old enough to be your grandmum. My two cents should be worth more than Q's...although I did like his Winston Churchill logic.

 

Don't let the fact that I am straight deter you.

 

Your mum wants grandchildren. You will never escape that fact. I sincerely hope you are not an only child. Of course, gay couples can have children. I will defer to Q's expertise on that.

 

When she throws out any comment about you not being 100% gay - or not really being gay - just let it slide. Don't let her drain away your confidence. You are who you are; you can't be exactly what she wants you to be. That doesn't mean she won't be really proud of you some day. She will certainly be proud of that grandchild when you get to that point in your life. Set some goals. As you attain them, you will build your confidence and she will come to know exactly who you are.

 

Grandmummy MikeL

Edited July 25, 2012 by MikeL

[Cia]

Confidence in who you are and what you, straight, gay, bi... comes in different time frames from different people. Knowing that information doesn't mean you shout your relationship details from the rooftops. I never really worried about being bi, I always viewed it as twice the pleasure for myself, lol. However, I'm 30 and I've yet to tell my dad that I'm bi. I don't know that I'd ever tell him I've had relationships in the past with girls, because it isn't relevant now since I'm married to a man and my dad is a bit of a bigot. That's not a reflection on my sexuality, but on my confidence on his attitude and tolerance. Based on past conversations about your mother, I don't blame you for not talking to your mom, either.

[comicfan]

I look it at this way. First you have to know who you are. Once that happens you begin to tell the people you love and trust - maybe not all at once but you will eventually. Sometimes it is your friends that are told first. Family comes when you feel you know what their reaction might be, or when you feel it will come from someone else first. But the one who has to be ready for anything is you. Being gay is part of who you are.

 

I'm sure you mother is dealing with what she perceives are her failings which "made you" gay. She is still clinging to the hopes and dreams she had for you, not the reality of who you are and what you want for yourself. Smile, nod, and live your life. She will catch up eventually.

[Y_B]

Looks like it's unanimous.

 

I'm about 82.85% confident in my...I'd say 89.29% gayness

[Cyhort]

Was she maybe joking? I just can't picture someone saying that seriously. But if she did.....well, you're definitely not the one with the problem. Not telling people about your personal life doesn't mean anything except you didn't wanna tell them. I told my mom my boyfriend was a girl for the first two years we were together. Didn't make us any less together. Didn't mean I liked the dick any less, lol.

Edited July 26, 2012 by Cyhort

[Bleu]

Your mum doesn't sound like the most diplomatic of persons (and I know it's not the first time you've had difficult conversations with her).

 

There is a big difference between knowing about your sexual orientation and being certain about a fairly new relationship. You've had a boyfriend before, for quite a while, so it's not like you just discovered this.

 

If she breaches the subject again, you could reply by returning the question to her: did she ever have doubts about her marriage? And if yes, did she ever have doubts about her sexual orientation? I know that these are not easy questions to ask one's mother, but I think she would get your drift.

[Celethiel]

'because you didn't have the confidence to tell me, this clearly means you are not 100% gay. There's no denying it.'

Go mother

I know you're gay but I like that she said that...

Basically if you don't have the guts to tell me, I am going to denie that you're 100% gay...

I love it... or at least I that's my interpretation... I can see that being said kinda mad at you, or kinda jokingly actually.

My Response, just say are you sure you're 100% straight... or something along those lines... however I told my mother...

[K.C.]

Does that mean in a straight 19 year-old guy didn't want to talk to his mom about his new relationship then he's not 100% straight? The less details he spills the less sure he is about being straight?? You mom is wrong on this. Some people are just more open with their talking and sharing and some people keep more to themself. Only you know the truth!

 

 

Side note: Does she need proof? Would a picture of 100% of someone's dic----- (maybe I shouldn't finish that one )

[Celethiel]

Does that mean in a straight 19 year-old guy didn't want to talk to his mom about his new relationship then he's not 100% straight? The less details he spills the less sure he is about being straight?? You mom is wrong on this. Some people are just more open with their talking and sharing and some people keep more to themself. Only you know the truth!

 

 

Side note: Does she need proof? Would a picture of 100% of someone's dic----- (maybe I shouldn't finish that one )

 

no no a picture of him getting it 100% from another guy... or visa versa

[Ashi]

Telling your mom you're gay is as shocking to her as it is for you when you first realized it.... I don't know maybe it's not very shocking to you..., but it was shocking for me... Subconsciously, I knew I was different, but admitting that fact about myself is not straightforward. I don't know about you, but it took me many years to admit I am gay, and I think it'll take my mom at least that many years also, perhaps even longer, because she is not gay, so it's hard for someone who is not going through that experience to understand it!

 

And I agree with MikeL.... She probably lives her entire life thinking she'll get a grandchild from you. I know my mom is that way.... She constantly reminds me of such.... So she doesn't want to accept you're gay because that fact you just presented to her totally flipped her life and dream upside-down.... Give her time. My mom is still in denial stage, so yeah, it's fine. If your mom wouldn't accept it, then go back to pretend that coming out moment never existed.

 

From Edge of Seventeen there is this one dialog.

 

Eric's Mom: I am worried about you.

Eric: About what?

Eric's Mom: People think you're gay.

Eric: Is that what you want to know?

 

After all, it's your mom who wanted to know about your sexuality in the first place isn't it? So when you told her what she wanted to know..., and then she denied it, don't you find it funny? Let her know that. Maybe that'll speed up the process, but I wouldn't count on it....

Edited July 26, 2012 by Ashi

[podga]

But if we take this away from the context of mother/child relationships (pretty hard to know, I know ), haven't many of us been subject to the same type of 'judgement' by others, even of our own community? Our sexuality is assumed to be the primary parameter determining our personality, our personal philosophies, our taste in clothes and music, even our life, family and work environments. And perhaps to a degree that's true, but the choices we make, e.g. to come out or not, or to tell our parents about our boy/girlfriends, or to buy every single Barbra Streisand CD we can lay our hands on, generally have little to do with where we score on the Kinsey scale.

[PrivateTim]

The numbers are completely meaningless to being with.

 

So what if you are 86% certain that you are 74% gay, you would then be 63.64% gay. So what does being 63.64% gay mean? What is 100% gay? Is it just about who you sleep with and lust after? If you are 1% straight or even 36.36% straight, does your mother think therefore you are going to marry a girl and live a straight life?

 

Let mom know we are in modern times now. She can still have oodles of grandkids from you. Let her know you will lead a perfectly normal life and she can still cry at your wedding one day.

[Cyhort]

You know, gay or straight, the whole "I want you to give me grandkids" thing always annoyed me. The only thing that should matter when deciding to have kids is whether or not YOU want kids. Not your parents trying to guilt you into it. That always seemed like such controlling BS.

[Houdinii]

I agree wholeheartedly with all the above comments. But something you must remember. It's not gay, straight, or anything else that matters, really. Your John, and that's what counts, and no matter how much she wants that to change, it's, well, too late.

[Mikelaing74]

It was no surprise to my parents when I told them about me.

 

I agree your mum doesn't really know what she's saying. Your 19 years old and you can't know everything about yourself yet. I'm 37, and I'm still learning, not only about me, but also about Snuggle. We've been together nearly ten years and we're still learning about each other, what does that say to you ?

 

Surely your mum must understand this.

[Ashi]

It was no surprise to my parents when I told them about me.

 

I agree your mum doesn't really know what she's saying. Your 19 years old and you can't know everything about yourself yet. I'm 37, and I'm still learning, not only about me, but also about Snuggle. We've been together nearly ten years and we're still learning about each other, what does that say to you ?

 

Surely your mum must understand this.

 

And it's a good thing people are continuously learning about themselves and each other. It means they care.

 

Anyways, I am concerned. So what happened next, Johnathan? What's her reaction? Did she threat to disown you? Do you feel alright?