Reading too much into what's been written

[Former Member]

I recently sent a PM to someone (the details are irrelevant for the purposes of this post.) Because of my writing style this person misinterpretation what I was actually communicating. I was accused of being inflammatory when in fact I was quite literally offering a solution. 

 

In short electronic communications it is nearly impossible for a reader to interpret inflection, tone, emotion, etc...and, in fact the reader's interpretation of the communication is greatly influenced by their own mood and/or state of mind.  

 

Before I go and get all angry and emotional over something someone has sent me, I wait until I am in the proper mood to reply. Heck, if I didn't then I'm pretty sure I would have been banned from this site long ago, as I've been the recipient of some pretty stern personal messages from staff members. However, I reminded myself that it's just words on a screen and I cannot inject emotion or inflection into text on a screen. After all, the staff here are busy so they tend to get right to the point.  

 

So, people just need to read emails, personal messages, status updates, forum posts and whatnot for what they are-text on a computer screen. Take it at face value.  

Edited April 4, 2013 by Ryan Jacobs

[Arpeggio]

I like to add smiley faces to diffuse the tension.  

[Adam Phillips]

Good points. But it's not only posts and short texts that are open to misinterpretation. Texts of any length can be misread. I just got into a pretty obnoxious "discussion" at my Yahoo group because a reader had misunderstood a fairly long political post of mine, and because I'd misunderstood his response.

 

The written word doesn't give us the visual and aural cues we rely on when we're talking to someone face to face. And except in the case of instant messaging (or, possibly, phone texting) it also doesn't give us the opportunity to re-direct immediately when we can tell we've been misunderstood. I think that means we have to work extra hard to make sure we're clear when we're writing. And when we're reading, we have to consider the possibility that we've misread, or that we haven't gotten the whole picture or point, when we find ourselves reacting negatively. And above all, I think it means that we have to hang in there and not bail prematurely on the communication or the relationship (if you can call it that) on the basis of a couple of written transactions.

[Zombie]

Bland business speak is safest. But who wants to talk like a suit? Irony - not intended to hurt - is especially difficult, prone to be interpreted as sarcasm - invariably intended to hurt
 

[Finn]

Add smileys! All the smileys! We developed 'em for a reason, ya know? I think it was this one, too.

 

See? Even I read it a little offensively. But with a smiley? With a smiley, it suddenly becomes a joke.

 

And who gets offended at those? Pshhhhhh.

[Cyhort]

And who gets offended at those? Pshhhhhh.

 

Communists. That's who.

[harcallard]

I really hate this whole "Electronic Society", we have become simply because we no loner know how to talk face to face. Instead, we get on the computer or  our Iphones etc.... Then there are those who hide behind the screen and think they can act anyway they can.I agree you cant read too much into what someone is writing. However, there are those who it just jumps at you automatically. I agree .. one shouldn't take anything personal. After all the are merely hiding behind a screen and nothing more. Never react because you are giving up your power to them and its not worth it in the long run.

[Former Member]

^^This^^  I agree with this.  

Edited April 4, 2013 by Ryan Jacobs

[Yettie One]

Spot on.

I think everyone has fallen prey to being misunderstood or having something they have communicated with the best of intentions blow up in their face when someone has interpreted it all wrong.

 

It is also important to remember culture when considering someone's message.

 

Society has a load of different nuances and subtle differences to words, expressions and even whole sentences. What means one thing in one place, means a whole different thing in another.

Take the slang expression "Sick"

Two completely different meanings aside from it's correct and proper use in English, dependant where you are in the world, and what generation you are from.

I remember the first time I saw it used in a comment on a song. I didn't bother listening to the song for misinterpretation, and missed out on a really great song.

 

You are so right Ryan. We do need to think before responding, and even learn to question or ask if we understand something correctly before jumping to a conclusion, but if I am totally honest, I am human, hot headed at times, and even I've been guilty of getting it all wrong.

I think it is a very real part of our world today. Electronic communication is a way of life we have to live with, and in this, we have to take the responsibility of understanding when we write that what we write might be misinterpreted, and when we read, that we might have got the wrong end of the stick.

 

If we can learn to realise these things, and check before we leap, maybe we can better learn to use the power of the net more effectively.

[clumber]

I recently sent a PM to someone (the details are irrelevant for the purposes of this post.)

 

Even though you have cut out all personal details to make it anonymous, I find it kinda Not Cool to drag an argument you were having in private out onto the public forums. Especially since you must know that the person you were talking with will see it.

 

Like, it's not a hanging offence but it's not kind.

[Former Member]

Even though you have cut out all personal details to make it anonymous, I find it kinda Not Cool to drag an argument you were having in private out onto the public forums. Especially since you must know that the person you were talking with will see it.

 

Like, it's not a hanging offence but it's not kind.

I guess I should have made it more clear, the PM I referenced was on another site. However, I have had that happen here usually in a post or status update. My main point is that people tend to read more into what someone has typed. 

[WatchPatRun]

I recently sent a PM to someone (the details are irrelevant for the purposes of this post.) Because of my writing style this person misinterpretation what I was actually communicating. I was accused of being inflammatory when in fact I was quite literally offering a solution. 

 

In short electronic communications it is nearly impossible for a reader to interpret inflection, tone, emotion, etc...and, in fact the reader's interpretation of the communication is greatly influenced by their own mood and/or state of mind.  

 

Before I go and get all angry and emotional over something someone has sent me, I wait until I am in the proper mood to reply. Heck, if I didn't then I'm pretty sure I would have been banned from this site long ago, as I've been the recipient of some pretty stern personal messages from staff members. However, I reminded myself that it's just words on a screen and I cannot inject emotion or inflection into text on a screen. After all, the staff here are busy so they tend to get right to the point.  

 

So, people just need to read emails, personal messages, status updates, forum posts and whatnot for what they are-text on a computer screen. Take it at face value.  

 

I disagree, and honestly find this to be quite a ridiculous opinion full of assumptions. I don't ever read messages from other users and interpret it based on my mood. I interpret it for what it is. There are certain ways to communicate with other individuals via internet that allow you to properly convey your feelings and emotions, without the recipient taking it the wrong way. If people couldn't do that - if they couldn't express tone, emotion, etc. in their writing, how do you think books would be so widely popular? And how would anyone connect with a poem? Maybe you should do some research on how to communicate with others on the internet before throwing around assumptions that really don't make much sense.

 

Also, I don't think you should be telling anyone about the ''stern'' messages you've received from the staff. They were sent to you in a PRIVATE message for a reason, just saying.

 

It seems to me that you have a lot of issues with the staff on GA, and I'm not sure why, but it's really not forum discussion appropriate, so you might want to think about toning it down a bit.

[Former Member]

Also, I don't think you should be telling anyone about the ''stern'' messages you've received from the staff. They were sent to you in a PRIVATE message for a reason, just saying.

 

It seems to me that you have a lot of issues with the staff on GA, and I'm not sure why, but it's really not forum discussion appropriate, so you might want to think about toning it down a bit.

 

I don't have any problems with GA staff at all. Actually I think they're quite responsive and approachable. Heck, any time I asked something I've received an answer lightning fast. That's impressive. 

 

I'm sorry this post got you angry, WatchPatRun, that's really not what I had intended. I agree with you that it is my opinion and it is not necessarily fact. 

 

As for the "stern" messages, that was meant to be sort of a joke. I messed up posting a story and Cia had to send me a few emails/PMs. The last one was a little on the firm/professional side because it was a long message with detailed instructions. I know Cia doesn't have the kind of time she took to help me out, so it was meant to be funny. I guess I didn't indicate that well either. 

 

My apologies to anyone else whom I may have offended with this thread. I truly am sorry.  

Edited April 6, 2013 by Ryan Jacobs

[WatchPatRun]

I'm actually not angry at all

[Fishwings]

Well that escalated quickly :3 Good advice in your post Ryan. I agree in that we should always try to keep a cool mind while receiving any sort of messages: text, voicemails, emails, whatever.

 

But Patrick brought up a very imperative point.

 

Keep all internal affairs internal. 

[Tranquility]

What you write online can be misinterpreted by its recipient - but so can what you tell someone in person. So, I wouldn't really say it's any different or at least not that much different. Besides, use smiles to emphasize your point/feelings/intention. They exist for a reason, not just to represent LOL.

 

And I have to say this - as far as the "stern messages" comment went, as Yoda would say: Indicate it well, you did not. I too interpreted it differently, with a negative connotation. Frankly, I don't see how anyone could not o.O So maybe had you put "stern" with quotation marks, it would've indicated you were not being entirely serious, but as it is... Just sayin' bro.

[Fishwings]

What you write online can be misinterpreted by its recipient - but so can what you tell someone in person. So, I wouldn't really say it's any different or at least not that much different. Besides, use smiles to emphasize your point/feelings/intention. They exist for a reason, not just to represent LOL.

 

And I have to say this - as far as the "stern messages" comment went, as Yoda would say: Indicate it well, you did not. I too interpreted it differently, with a negative connotation. Frankly, I don't see how anyone could not o.O So maybe had you put "stern" with quotation marks, it would've indicated you were not being entirely serious, but as it is... Just sayin' bro.

 

 

Yoda said that? .___.

[Former Member]

What you write online can be misinterpreted by its recipient - but so can what you tell someone in person. So, I wouldn't really say it's any different or at least not that much different. Besides, use smiles to emphasize your point/feelings/intention. They exist for a reason, not just to represent LOL.

 

And I have to say this - as far as the "stern messages" comment went, as Yoda would say: Indicate it well, you did not. I too interpreted it differently, with a negative connotation. Frankly, I don't see how anyone could not o.O So maybe had you put "stern" with quotation marks, it would've indicated you were not being entirely serious, but as it is... Just sayin' bro.

 

Yeah, I kind of goofed that up and I really do feel badly about that. I really do think the staff here are top notch.  I suppose this kind of supports my theory, right? 

 

 

See, there I used one  

Edited April 6, 2013 by Ryan Jacobs

[Graeme]

After numerous incidents (witnessed and involved in) where electronic communication has been misinterpreted, I try to be very careful about what I post. It's also why I prefer posting/PM/email for electronic communication, rather than real time like chat or IM, unless it's with a close friend.

 

It takes practise to be able to write something, look to see how it could be misinterpreted, and then work out how to change it to minimise that risk. Smilies help, but they're not reliable. It's better if the original wording is done to minimise the risk in the first place.

 

One constant problem in a place like GA is that we have a global community. A key area of misinterpretation and misunderstanding is cultural. As a simple example, in an email many years ago I used the word "queer" as a synonym for "gay". The person I sent that email to questioned it. It turned out that in the place they live, "gay" is fine, but "queer" is an insult - the words were not synonymous for them. And that's without even touching on language issues....

 

With face-to-face communication, we have a lot of non-verbal clues to help interpret the words. Tone of voice, body posture, and facial clues all help work out what was meant. I've seen reports that we take in something like 60% of our understanding in a conversation from non-verbal components - all of which are missing in electronic form. You can test this yourself. Turn the TV to a movie or drama, turn the sound off, and see how much you can understand. You'll be surprised at just how much you can pick up of what's going on, even with no dialogue. And that's without the ability to pick up on tone of voice clues!

 

This also explains why people with Asperger's can have trouble communicating in real-life society. People with Asperger's (and other Autism Spectrum Disorders) are often deficient in picking up non-verbal information. They hear the words, but don't pick up on the full context required to interpret those words correctly. It takes training for them to consciously watch for and interpret those clues.

 

So... with electronic communication, we lose something like 60% of our communication capacity, and, like those with Asperger's and non-verbal clues, it takes time and practise to compensate for that missing capacity and hence to communicate clearly.

[Daddydavek]

Some very good observations posted about the topic.   I worked for the federal government for more than thirty years in a sometimes adversarial role as a claims examiner and I developed a fairly thick skin pretty quick as many people resort to ad hominem attacks pretty quickly when frustrated, mad or feel that the system is abusing them.   It takes a lot of tact to work with people to get them through their anger and to get them to become coherent so you can try to help them through the intricacies of the claims process. 

 

Getting people to hear what you say instead of taking offense at everything as if you don't believe them is a big problem.  Explaining you believe them but that evidence to prove the claim is needed and questioning them as to when, where, what and how can be maddening.   Many times communication starts with letters that are full of legalese required by the lawyers and that puts claimants off too. 

 

We live in the age of instant communication and often that becomes instant miscommunication. 

[Fishwings]

We live in the age of instant communication and often that becomes instant miscommunication. 

 

 

Instant... Autocorrect? :3

 

[C J]

I like this post.  It's especially appropriate for a website dedicated to writers. 

 

A good writer can express almost any emotion.  They can also use words to express very precise ideas.  That is, after all, what words are intended to do.  The hard part is to develop the skills necessary to put words together properly.  This is a major problem for a lot of people, whether they are writing or speaking.  I think everyone has listened to someone talking and wondered what exactly they were trying to say.  On the flip side I'm pretty sure everyone has had a hard time trying to say exactly what they meant.  It's only natural, because nobody is born with great communication skills, it's something we all need to learn.

 

One of the very best ways to learn these skills is, of course, reading and writing.  It's like anything else you want to learn.  Practice, doing it over and over, makes perfect.  Well, close to perfect anyway.  This sounds simple enough.  The truth is it really isn't so simple in practice.  The first thing you need to do is read, but not just anything.  You want to read things that are going to push your ability and understanding a little past where your ability allows at the moment.  If you only read things that are easy for you, then you will never improve your skills.  Read things you wouldn't ordinarily read, like articles written by experts in their field.  It doesn't matter what that field is as long as the reading is a little challenging.  Of course, you can expect to run into some words you don't know or are unsure of their meaning.  That's a very good thing, because now you need to look up the word to learn the meaning, and in the process your expanding your vocabulary. as well as learning about something you probably knew little about before.  This process can become a little exciting, assuming learning is something that get's your juices flowing.

 

Your going to do some writing too.  This is just as important as reading, whether your a writer or not.  It involves skills similar to those needed for reading, and will help develop your skills even faster.  It's also easier in that you can write about anything you want to, so the subject matter can be more familiar.  Once you've picked your subject, jump right in and write the first things that come to your mind with little consideration for grammar and all that.  Hmm, why pay no attention to the details if your trying to hone your skills?  Good question.  The reason is that you want to write in the manner your used to so you can find the areas where your skills are lacking.  When your finished with your piece, your going to read it.  At least twice.  You might be surprised to discover that your writing isn't what you thought it was, whether that thought was good or bad.  When you read what you wrote, does it convey the thoughts you wanted it to?  Most likely, some parts will while others will stand out as a little weak.  Now you have something to work with!  Your next job is to rewrite it, only this time your going to use different words and structures.  Do it twice, in two different ways, working to express the same ideas but in different terms.  Of course, your going to want to find new words that mean the same as some of the words you used in the first place.  Not every word, just some that have several synonyms you can experiment with.  You probably get the idea.

 

Anyway, now that I've written way too much I can end this and go do something else.  Just think about this communication thing, and learn new ways to use words.  Make a game out of it.  It's fun stuff, and the more you learn about it the more fun it becomes.  Words are important, and so is how you put them together.  There's no reason why day to day conversation should be any less expressive than a good story.  Both require well developed skills, and when those skills are sharpened the world becomes a much more wonderful place.

[Cia]

Take a look at the words you use and how you use them at all times is the best route to avoid misunderstandings. I am often terse, but rarely due to anger issues. Typically I respond in a concise way to simplify and get something done-which is often necessary when I have 3-4 authors I'm conversing with about why they need to change/fix/delete something in their GA Stories submission.

 

Check out this example of how we relate certain words with the same essential meaning with different 'tones'. These are synonyms for 'respond' with the meaning of reading a comment and commenting in return.

 

Neutral/positive: Reply, return, answer, explain

Negative: Retort, defend, dispute, parry

 

Word choice dictates shades of meaning and tone when it comes to non-verbal communication. Not everyone will always mean things to come across how they sound, and perception varies from person to person based on the words we use, as many others pointed out. Being an adult means taking the time to discuss issues with another person about any perceived conflict openly and honestly, though we all fail at that from time to time.

[rustle]

Take a look at the words you use and how you use them at all times is the best route to avoid misunderstandings. I am often terse, but rarely due to anger issues. Typically I respond in a concise way to simplify and get something done-which is often necessary when I have 3-4 authors I'm conversing with about why they need to change/fix/delete something in their GA Stories submission.

 

Check out this example of how we relate certain words with the same essential meaning with different 'tones'. These are synonyms for 'respond' with the meaning of reading a comment and commenting in return.

 

Neutral/positive: Reply, return, answer, explain

Negative: Retort, defend, dispute, parry

 

Word choice dictates shades of meaning and tone when it comes to non-verbal communication. Not everyone will always mean things to come across how they sound, and perception varies from person to person based on the words we use, as many others pointed out. Being an adult means taking the time to discuss issues with another person about any perceived conflict openly and honestly, though we all fail at that from time to time.

 

The skills discussed in this thread are useful in all types of writing. In business communication, emoticons don't convey the professionalism needed, so we have to resort to clear, concise communication, for efficiency and accuracy. But also, reviewing what we write for tone. Especially if we're writing something critical, commenting on another's work or actions.

 

If you do write in anger, don't send the message until you're not angry, then review it objectively. You'll lose fewer friends, and fewer jobs.

[harcallard]

I don't have any problems with GA staff at all. Actually I think they're quite responsive and approachable. Heck, any time I asked something I've received an answer lightning fast. That's impressive. 

 

I'm sorry this post got you angry, WatchPatRun, that's really not what I had intended. I agree with you that it is my opinion and it is not necessarily fact. 

 

As for the "stern" messages, that was meant to be sort of a joke. I messed up posting a story and Cia had to send me a few emails/PMs. The last one was a little on the firm/professional side because it was a long message with detailed instructions. I know Cia doesn't have the kind of time she took to help me out, so it was meant to be funny. I guess I didn't indicate that well either. 

 

My apologies to anyone else whom I may have offended with this thread. I truly am sorry.  

Ryan I agree with most of what you said, but I would never have appligized. Wrong is wrong no matter how it is packaged.If you felt you were wrong, then you have that right to feel that way and express it.No one has the right to tell another person they cant say anything or how they are to react to something.