Why The Gays Hate Their Bodies

[TetRefine]

Here is a really interesting (and eerily true) article on body image among gay males. Yes, it is very young/urban gay centered, but we were all there at one point or still are. 

 

Why The Gays Hate Their Bodies

[Ashi]

Fortunately, I am not looking for a boyfriend right now, so I don't have to care about my body....

[Graeme]

I didn't read the responses to the article, but to me this reads as pretty much the same reasons young women are at risk of dietary illnesses like bulimia and anorexia -- the belief that society only has one ideal 'body image' and that if they want to get/keep a boyfriend, they need to have that ideal body image.

 

Ultimately, and you can read it throughout that article, it comes from low self-esteem. To be fair, young gay males who spend a lot of the time in the closet before they come out do have a tendency to have low self-esteem for some time. It's not universal, but being afraid to admit to others about who you are is easily translated into being afraid to appear to others as something other than what you think they want to see. The corollary with acting straight is obvious.

[JamesSavik]

Who are "The Gays"? Sounds like a soap opera I would never, ever watch.

 

"The Gays of Our Lives"

 

"One Gay to Live"

 

"All My Gayz"

 

"The Gay and the Restless"

 

"The Gay and the Beautiful"

 

GAAH!

[Aaron Penrose]

If it makes you feel any better, young transgender guys deal with this times a thousand. There is not a day in my life where I don't obsess about not being masculine enough.

[TetRefine]

If it makes you feel any better, young transgender guys deal with this times a thousand. There is not a day in my life where I don't obsess about not being masculine enough.

 

I think the whole masculine thing goes for all gay/bi/trans/whatever guys who were raised in very hetero-normative environments. We had to act very straight in order to hide and/or fit in, and even when we come out we still fear being viewed as "one of them".

 

I've been out of the closet fully since basically 19, and I'm still petrified of being viewed as not masculine enough. I've come to the conclusion that being masculine makes coming out easier, and makes you more desirable in the gay community. Theres a reason I spend so much time in the gym working out and watching what I eat, and it sure isn't so I can 'live a healthy lifestyle'. It's almost scary to think how accurate this guy's article is. 

[Thorn Wilde]

Interestingly, I've just been having this very conversation, sort of, on Facebook, in a comment thread for an article about women getting cosmetic labiaplasty, and I made the very point that women and gay men are so much more likely to have body image issues severe enough to make severe changes to their body. Basically, the ones with a beauty standard to live up to. Not that straight men haven't got standards that society at large expects them to live up to, but they're somehow subtler. They're not thrown in their faces every day, the moment they walk out the door, the minute they step into a supermarket and see the magazine racks. This means that straight guys don't get it. I had a guy tell me today: '[...]we CHOOSE to consume and absorb these products and images.'

 

No, we don't. We have no choice. The images are there, wherever we look, and we can't just not look. As for the products, when all products are advertised with the same beauty standard (i.e. fashion) we haven't really got the choice of 'voting with our wallets', as they like to put it. They're almost all the same. And if you're not especially wealthy, often you haven't got that option even if there is a difference. 

 

I've been thinking a lot about why this is. Why is it that women and gay men are so exposed to these kinds of body image issues, and to objectification at large?

 

My own pet theory puts it down to porn. In straight porn, men barely even feature. That is to say, they're not what you're supposed to look like. The only criteria for appearing in straight porn if you're a man is a reasonably big dick, and even that doesn't feature much. Almost the entire focus is on the woman, and out of pornography came trends like brazilian waxing, breast implants, and a bunch of other things that have eventually come into the mainstream beauty standard for women. In gay porn, finally the focus is on the lads (and this would probably be why straight women enjoy it so much; you get to actually see the guys and they're hot), and now there are suddenly standards. They're supposed to have muscles (lean ones if they're skinny twinks, bulky ones if they're older and more macho), well groomed, and don't get me started on anal bleaching... Now men are objectified too. Gay men, specifically. And this escapes into the mainstream as well, even among gay guys who don't watch a lot of porn, though it is encouraged in a lot of gay circles. That's what makes the pressure as ridiculously bad on gay men as it is on women, because even though the media and the advertising side of it is smaller (since gay men are a smaller demographic), the pornographic objectification is entirely in the mainstream.

 

Not saying people shouldn't watch porn... Actually, I'm not really sure what I'm saying, other than that we should cut ourselves, and each other, some slack. It's easy to get caught up in the whole thing, to feel like we need to live up to these ridiculous expectations, and to tease others when they don't. But I think the moment we stop and think about it, we all realise how stupid that is. As long as you're healthy, it shouldn't matter whether you live up to some beauty standard or another. That kind of superficial thinking won't make you happy. Learning to love yourself will.

[Aaron Penrose]

My great home state is the only place in the U.S. where it is actually illegal to enter a restroom if the gender on your birth certificate/driver's license does not match the one on the sign. Funnily they did not institute a bathroom police force when the law was passed. It is also illegal to change your gender on your birth certificate, so it's like the government is trying to pretend we're not even here, or at least that we don't have the right to use the restroom in public.

 

My point is I absolutely understand your "one of them" sentiment. It's very difficult to be different in places like Tennessee. I'm out as trans and when I leave the house with a chest binder on, people stare. I'm not ashamed of who I am but sometimes others make it hard not to be.

[Zombie]

sounds like your home state has some catching up to do...

[Arpeggio]

When people stare at you like a freak of nature, it's easy to hate your body. 

[Thorn Wilde]

My great home state is the only place in the U.S. where it is actually illegal to enter a restroom if the gender on your birth certificate/driver's license does not match the one on the sign. Funnily they did not institute a bathroom police force when the law was passed. It is also illegal to change your gender on your birth certificate, so it's like the government is trying to pretend we're not even here, or at least that we don't have the right to use the restroom in public.

 

My point is I absolutely understand your "one of them" sentiment. It's very difficult to be different in places like Tennessee. I'm out as trans and when I leave the house with a chest binder on, people stare. I'm not ashamed of who I am but sometimes others make it hard not to be.

 

[Mark Arbour]

Interestingly, I've just been having this very conversation, sort of, on Facebook, in a comment thread for an article about women getting cosmetic labiaplasty,

 

, but I'm wondering what possessed you to hang out in a comment thread on labiaplasty.   Doesn't seem like something you'd be into.

[Thorn Wilde]

, but I'm wondering what possessed you to hang out in a comment thread on labiaplasty.   Doesn't seem like something you'd be into.

 

Oh, it was my thread, actually. I ended up reading a news article on it. It's all the new fad over here, apparently. The article was interesting, so I shared it. Then the bigots and the misogynists decided to turn the discussion into one about how people with body image issues are weak. It got pretty heated, actually. My Facebook is... interesting sometimes.

Edited February 27, 2014 by Thorn Wilde

[Celethiel]

Oh i don't have a body image, ie I know I am overweight, and I know all the guys i like are skinner than me, and even than i would possibly be..... because I don't especially like overly muscled guys for one, which is what i'd become if i did enough exercise to loose the amount of weight i've gained

truth be told, i doubt i'd be happy with my body skinny fat, uber buff, toned, or as a flower... because I don't like myself in general therefor it wouldn't matter what i looked like i wouldn't like being me....

mind you though, there are moments.... very breifly... that i looked at myself in the mirror and though, "i look cute.." but then i take a second look.

[W_L]

I won't lie, I don't feel self assured compared to other gay guys. My body is on the chubbier side, i look sort of like lloyd from Entourage with my new haircut.

 

On the flip side, i also am trying out a fwb thing with a fem guy. In the past, I worry a lot about associating with the stereotypical gay guys, but i am giving it a chance and i have grown from it.

[joann414]

I'm not a gay male, but bisexual female.  There's times that I hate my body because my hubby has the genes that keep him slim, muscular, and at 62 turns 30 year old heads.  I'm very me.  At 54, I were jeans everyday, boots, and t shirts or sweat shirts.  My weight flucuates all the time.  I've never been bigger than a ten or smaller than a five.  Who cares?  He just wants me healthy.  Surprisingly, both sexes seem to gravitate toward my laid back, don't care if I'm sexy or not image.  so, I think happiness with your self image sends out a message to those around you. JMO

[C J]

I think making this all out to be a gay thing is silly.  People seem to want to compare themselves to other people whether they're gay or not.  It all goes back to the idea of wanting to belong, to be accepted, to be a part of the crowd.  Personally, I think it's a tragedy that anyone would allow others to set standards for them, regardless of the subject.  Gay people should be the first to agree with that considering all the talk about gay marriage and all that. 

 

People seem to be scared to death to look like or even be anything that others don't approve of.  That's a very scary idea to me.  It scares me to think of being something manufactured to meet someone else's standards.  Unfortunately, that puts me in conflict with a lot of other people.  Not only do I refuse to conform, I tend to be outspoken when I'm confronted with someone who, in most things, functions on that level.  The thing is, I believe the world would be immensely more interesting and pleasant if people would allow themselves to be themselves.  The way it is, the world tends to be kind of drab and monochromatic in so many ways. 

 

I know I'm not totally independent socially, and that's probably a good thing.  There have to be some established norms if we are all going to get along.  Those need to be limited though, because there's nothing worse than to live in a world that's mostly black and white.

[Billy Martin]

Always be true to yourself. Generally speaking, I am.

 

 I am who I am and I don't try to be anyone else.  I do however keep my private life, private.  I don't feel a need to broadcast to the world who I love and may sleep with.  It's no one's business.  Period.

 

Like Chris, I don't see this as a GLBT only issue.  My friends come in all shape and sizes, interests, and beliefs, unlike the author of the article linked above.  And I've seen my straight friends struggle with this issue as well.  I just wish that people took less time worrying over and dreaming for the things they don't have and took a little more time to see the things they do have in their lives.  I'm not saying to not dream of a better life. There's nothing wrong with that at all. But the thing is, you don't need more money than anyone else, the most things, or be the best looking to be happy.

 

Happiness begins within.  There's no one else in the world like you.  That makes you special.  Be happy with who are and celebrate your uniqueness.  Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with similarities with others and with staying in shape, looking nice, or having goals. Just don't let those things become your life and have life itself pass you by.

Edited March 1, 2014 by Billy Martin

[AquariusGuy]

I knew I had read this article somewhere before. Derek Hartley of Derek and Romaine wrote an article about it in the Huffington Post. He wrote an interesting piece after reading the blog and talked about it on his show on SiriusXM outQ.

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/derek-hartley/gut-check-everyone-is-talking-about-how-fat-you-are_b_1829595.html

[Sasha Distan]

i have never cared this much about my body. and i mean ever.

 

but then, i have never cared. i was the chubby kid who stayed home and read books...

[Kitt]

I have to agree - it isn't just a "gay men" issue.  All one has to do to understand why so many of us, men and women, gay and straight, hate their bodies is to walk through a mall. Any clothing store actually.  

 

Look at the Juniors rack, and at the "normal" size clothes. In the women's wear departments they are filled with all these pretty outfits, nice dresses, pleasing skirts and slacks.  Men's clothing?  Properly fit good looking shirts and pants in all colors and styles.

 

Now look at the "plus size" for women, and "big men" rack for the guys. Color disappears. Shades of grey and black dominate. Shape is non existent. A guy with a 16 inch collar and a 28" waist can get a shirt tailored to fit. One that has the same 16" neck and a thicker waistline gets something resembling a tent. Women's clothes once you get past "large" go from pretty to shapeless sacks devoid of fashion and color, or worse yet the most horrid prints.  And "large" varies so widely I have occasionally held up a pair of pants and asked "extra large what? Pixie?"

 

Of course we hate our bodies. Who could not when just about the entire fashion industry thinks they have a right to dictate my breast size or waist size, and society in general seems to think they can put a guy down if he doesn't look like he could enter the Mr America contest in the morning? And don't get me started about shoes that are designed to cripple you! 5" spike heals and toes shaped to climb small gauge chain link fence. Honestly, who's feet are shaped to fit into those?

[Never Surrender]

I can’t comment on the gay male perspective, as a straight female. That said, I'm currently a straight female teenager, and I completely ‘get’ this whole drama over the way you look. I'm sure I have mentioned it in comments on threads before, but the state of society and people’s views of themselves concerns me.

 

It is almost impossible not to internalise feelings when society is sending you 101 mixed messages about the way you look….‘it's OK to love yourself, however you look. As long as you're not fat, because then nobody will want you. As long as you have an ass, because that’s hot. Long as you have boobs, but you can’t be fat and have boobs, because as one of my friends once said to me “boobs on a fat girl are like abs on a skinny guy. They just don’t count”. Make sure you aren't too tall or too short. Don’t have big feet, because nobody wants to date a clown. Make sure that you rip off 99% of your body hair, because body hair is gross and manly’…. Need I go on? Yet society is still telling us to be true to ourselves.

 

When quotes like ‘nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’ and ‘a moment on the lips, forever on the hips’ are commonly thrown around, is it surprising that people end up tearing their own appearances to pieces? Off the top of my head, I can name at least 20 people in my real life who have, or have had, eating disorders related to weight and the way they look (and no, this is not an exaggeration). It is an easy trap to fall down, because the worst part is that you don’t even realise you are doing it until you are there. The mentality of ‘I can control it’ never works. Some of the quotes related to the more drastic methods of food control and weight loss are horrible – I'm not prepared to post them in case somebody here finds this post triggering. I was introduced to the concept of an eating disorder when I was about 11 – and this wasn't in a constructive environment. Instead, it was because I was being introduced to ‘pro-mia’ (and a lesser extent ‘pro-ana’) by a classmate. When these things are readily and so easily available to anyone who would care to look, is it any surprise that people are growing up with a distorted reality of how the human body is supposed to look?

[Former Member]

There is so many other reasons on why "The Gays" hate their bodies, lets add Bullying in school on so many things that don't even have to do with your body it just adds to more things you hate about yourself. From gosh grade 3? right till Grade 12 there's been some comments about myself that have had really nothing to do with weight, Theres actually one thing Physically wrong with me that it's such a minor thing that people have refered to me by that word for years it used to make me cry now im like "ha ha fuck off" some people wouldn't even notice it unless i pointed it out or said this word which i so am not going to because that gives it power. I remember being short and skinny pretty much right up to grade 6 and constantly pushed and kicked around.  Trying to date girls yes at one point that was me your normal HeteroSexual boy  and the girls being so terribly cruel to me, though there was the odd guy thought thought was cute. I had TONS of male friends right up till Grade 9. Then they all abandoned me as our tiny school merged with other schools and i got labelled as this HomoSexual and a Prostitute(we can thank my own cousin for that one, guys in my gym class even started offering me money for "Favors" that i dropped out of Gym 2 weeks into school.)

 

Still trying to date girls in Grade 10 and the girls being even worse now. Grade 11 came and i moved to the city with my mother, but having spent 2years living with my aunt who has EXTREME Body Issues like she's 5 11 and 100pounds and EVERYTHING is "I'm Fat' yet lets watch Biggest Loser and eat a ton of ice cream. Her being amazingly pretty and skinny and alot of guys wanting her there was me now thinking i might be actually gay since no girls wanted me, I became crazy skinny too and was now the same height. Living with my mother i joined a theatre class that went right till 2am, for months i lived on 1 salad and a chicken breast lol. And at my school it seemed like every guy i met was gay, to the point i got mad at my mother for sending me to that school. But awhile later the guys started hitting on me, And i started embracing it and enjoying the attention. Since then i have not looked back and came to terms as being a Homosexaul. Years later i have put on some weight but nothing major  and i'm ok with that as i am terrified of becoming the Annerexic i used to be. And now i pride myself on my masculinity But now i just have to work harder on finding a guy who is more masculine then me so i can be "The Girl". 

 

My body issues now are no longer about my weight but more like my 1 big scar, My leopard spots, Whether i brush my hair today or not cuz really i don't care. Am i going to shave today or not care and grow it,  I'm me and for the most part i'm ok with me because i have to be because nobody else will be if i'm not.