Getting Too Descriptive With Characters' Mental State

[Warrior1]

There is already one topic about getting too descriptive with words in describing a scenery -- so I want to distinguish my one from that one in the sense that here, I am talking about excessive description pertaining to characters' mental state. I have this problem. I go to lengths to describe the characters' thoughts, emotions and everything. I just can't help (writing anything less seems ... unfinished). But an even bigger problem is I lack a good vocabulary, so, I end up using the same words and phrases and descriptions in describing what's going inside my characters' minds. The most horrifying thing is, I have a feeling that my work is reading more and more like a Stephanie Meyer's work. Yuck, I know.

 

My question to writers: how do you describe a characters' mental state with clarity and depth without going overboard? How to shorten the descriptions but still say a lot? Sometimes less is more, and a few words, maybe only dialogues without the unnecessary descriptions can be very effective. But being effective despite being concise is also very difficult.

 

 

For readers - does excessive descriptions regarding a characters' mental state bother you? Do you often think: "Oh, the author went overboard. Only the dialogues would have been effective enough? Why is the writer spelling every little detail to me as if I can't interpret and imagine things my own way?"

 

(Oh I also think I am going overboard in describing this topic, lol)

[Zombie]

Yes, excessive description of any kind is annoying. Ooops, am I in the wrong thread?

[Cia]

Balance in all things. We need to hear what the character hears, see what the character sees, feel what the character feels, know what the character knows--including what they think. The difficulty in this is that most of the time, in real life, we don't register all the background thoughts we have in a given situation, yet as an author, that needs to be shared with the reader. All of this should be blended together so that you're sharing dialogue, scene narration, and thoughts and not focusing too much on any single element.

 

It's important to share only what's relevant to the scene and the character's mental landscape that the reader needs to know, however. It's also important not to repeat information; if you've already shared the character's feelings about something, don't do it again. Show it instead. Someone's angry, share why they're angry and then if they come across the object of their anger--show an action that gives away that emotion instead. Same for any other emotion. Physical cues are a great way to share how someone feels. Sad and about to cry? The character's eyes could burn, and they can have a lump in their throat. Scared? Try a cold sweat and shaking hands. Happy? Cheeks burning from grinning so much.

 

And if you find yourself being overly-repetitive when it comes to word choice, open up a thesaurus online or get a book. When you finish a scene or chapter, use the 'Find' feature (if you use Word) to look for descriptive emotional words or even any verbs you use to start off with. It will highlight each time you've used it to show places of repetitive use. Then go through the thesaurus and pick a synonym for the word that still fits the meaning of the scene around it. Happy could become joyful or perky or chipper. Disgusted could become repelled or fed up.

 

For example:

 

 

"They were kissing?" Kevin couldn't believe it! Brandon had promised him it was over. He set down his sandwich, the bites he'd already taken settling into a heavy lump in his stomach.

 

"I saw them myself." Gage leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. "They were in the hall; he wasn't even hiding it!"

 

What was he going to do? Kevin had agreed to be patient, to wait for Brandon to be ready, but this? He shook his head. "I gotta go." He picked up his tray and headed for the trashcans. He dumped his lunch and slammed his tray down on the stack of others. He'd head to the photography classroom and hide in the dark room until he didn't feel like tracking Brandon down and exposing him for the giant fraud he was.  

 

Of course he ran into Brandon on his way out.

 

Carla wasn't with him, but Kevin could see it, the stain from her ugly-ass lipstick marking Brandon's lips and showing exactly where they'd been. At school, Brandon didn't hang out with Kevin; he didn't even talk to him.  He was too afraid of what people would think, so they kept a healthy distance between them and pretended to not even be friends.

 

Kevin ignored it when Brandon said his name under his breath. No way would the jerk actually be seen talking to him as Kevin stormed off up the stairs. He just had to keep it together until he got to the dark room.

 

"Hey!" Brandon yanked Kevin to a stop before he reached the landing. "Would you stop running away from me? I want to talk to you." What the hell did he think he was doing?

 

"Go away," Kevin hissed as he yanked his arm out of Brandon's grip. "Go back to your girlfriend." Kevin balled up his hands into fists. He wasn't going to cry, but if Brandon didn't leave him alone, Kevin was going to make it so his mouth hurt too damn much to kiss anyone.

 

[Ashi]

As mentioned before, "Show, don't tell."

 

And this topic ties greatly with the point of view you're writing from.  Keep in mind there are several POV you can choose from:  1) First person, 2) third person omniscient, and 3) third person limited. 

 

If you're writing in third person omniscient, you're free to write out the thought of any individual in the story, as if you were a supreme being, who can see all point of views as transparent. 

 

In first person POV, you would able to write out what's your main character's mind.  However, you could only accessible to other characters' thought to the extent of what the main character is capable of deducing through the information that has been previously given (basically this is exactly what your interaction in real world is like.  None of us can read people's minds unless people told us what's going on in their brains, and even that can be unreliable).

 

In third person limited, the storyteller is the narrator, and that is separated from the main character (in first person POV, the narrator and the main character are one and the same).  You have the least amount of freedom to express your main character's thought process, because the narrator doesn't know what's going on in the main character's mind, but only describing the growth of the main character, like a reporter.  This POV is the easiest to get mixed up because author could easily fall into the trap of switching voices, speaking to the audience, or disclosing too much thought process when no previous information had been given.  On the other hand, this POV gives the biggest opportunity for unreliable narrator (i.e., misinterpret what's going on in MC's mind and deceives readers, intentionally), which actually could give a lot of potential for creating conflicts in the story.

 

Basically what I am trying to say is: embrace that lack of clarity, disclose as little as possible in the beginning, and only as much as your character/narrator knows, then slowly unfolds as more information is brought to the surface.  You don't want to deprive your readers' imagination.  Non-central plot info, you can simply shoot them straight out instead of wasting readers' time.  And remember not every piece of information brought to readers' attention has to be truthful.  By the end of the story, everything should be tied up and be as clear as you would like.

 

For example, let's say the main character of your story is an adulterer, and in his mind, he is right to follow his subjective reality and makes justification for his own action.  And your job as the author, is to disclose the defective thinking process, then later on in the story, as more information surfaced, the reader will begin to reconcile the truthful statements with the legitimized ones.  The speed of unwind is your own choice and depends on the length of your story (i.e., novel length or short story).  As you can see, if you described too much of the thinking process early on..., you would have a very flat story arc.

 

Don't feel like if you don't describe every little detail, it's less finished.  You're just delaying the description for later, and let readers fill in some blank in the process (which hopefully they're wrong).  Think about it..., is everything you know in life laid out flat in front of you the moment you were born?  Life would be very boring if that's the way, right?

 

Lack of vocabulary....  Well..., we all are learning aren't we?  (and you're only 19!)  Take Cia's advice and use a thesaurus, and perhaps consult with your beta readers and editors about this.  This is one of those things you'll improve over time.

Edited May 27, 2015 by Ashi

[Warrior1]

Thanks everyone! 

 

And, Ashi, I am actually 22. Somehow GayAuthors did not update my age, so I am stuck at 19 here (good to stay young, right? )

[JamesSavik]

Everything should have a purpose.

 

You can set a mood with the scenery.

 

 

The morning dawned gray and dreary...

 

 

You can nail down characterization in much the same way.

 

 

Evan did what he always did: look the other way.

It was just easier that way. He didn't know and he didn't want to know.

Torturing prisoners made him want to puke but there was no sense in fighting it.

There used to be rules. Then the bastards hit us with the plague.

Now there's a new rule book and it is very, very thin.

[Adam Phillips]

"Too Descriptive" and "Excessive" need to be parsed, of course. And the qualifying criterion isn't about word count.

 

Does the description have a purpose? That question can be vital in helping you pare down what's not relevant.

 

And then, as Ashi said, there's "Show, don't tell."

 

Take, for example, a narrative passage you're writing that has two men in a large home library with large windows. One man is reading. He puts down his book and asks the other, "Why did she leave?"

 

Suppose it's your purpose not to answer the question but to illustrate the the mood of the man to whom the question was addessed.

 

Instead of describing what he was feeling, you could have him turn toward the window. Drop his head. Shake it slowly.

 

That's an a quick-and-dirty example of a way to show instead of tell. You can get in a lot about a person's inner world by letting the reader see that person doing something that lets the reader infer what's going on inside him.

Edited May 31, 2015 by Adam Phillips

[JParker]

Actually - if it is done well I'd totally read it.

 

I utterly dislike cheesy overemotional romanticized stuff but I love getting into a character's head. If what is going on in there is captivatingto me I'm in. It depends entirely on the language and if I am invested/ can identify with what is going on on the inside.

 

I find most narratives neglect this part, and that makes them less interesting to me.

 

You see, no size fits all. Go for what you feel like writing and expressing and then check back with beta readers who are generally open to what I call pychological storytelling (dealing more with the thought processes, psychology than e.g. action) and see what they say.

 

I'd be willing to have a look at an excerpt of yours and give you feedback, if you like.

[Thorn Wilde]

Thanks everyone! 

 

And, Ashi, I am actually 22. Somehow GayAuthors did not update my age, so I am stuck at 19 here (good to stay young, right? )

 

You have to do it manually. Go to edit profile and scroll down to age, not date of birth. It's a little further down. That's the age that shows up on the forum.  

Edited June 9, 2015 by Thorn Wilde

[Timothy M.]

I go to lengths to describe the characters' thoughts, emotions and everything. I just can't help (writing anything less seems ... unfinished).

 

Another advantage of NOT doing this right from the beginning is that your readers will start speculating about the motives and feelings of your characters in reviews and the story forum (if you have one). This can be quite inspiring.