9.11 - 71. Chapter 71

November 4, 2001

Escorial

I watched with disappointment as Will and Wade walked out of the dining room, and then turned back to the table to deal with the other people here, all of whom were either angry or upset. It was one of those situations when I wanted time to digest all that had happened, to be able to effectively defuse the crisis, but time was not on my side. I could feel Stef smoldering next to me, and I grabbed his leg gently under the table to steady him, but he was not the one who spoke first.

“Why do you do that?” Darius demanded, even as he stared at Frank.

“Do what?” Frank asked, shocked that Darius would speak to him so aggressively. They had a good relationship, and it was rare for Darius to be so visibly irritated, especially with Frank.

“Everyone in this family knows that there are two people you don’t poke unless you want a good fight on your hands: Dad and Will. Well, and Stef, sometimes,” he said, winking at Stef. I had to admire how Darius used humor to calm Stef down, even as he vented his own anger on Frank. “So why are you trying to bug him? He comes back from New Jersey, all happy, and you piss him off. What did he do wrong?”

“He needs to show some respect to Zach’s parents,” Frank proclaimed, as if he were Moses coming down from the mountain with the Ten Commandments.

“It would seem to me that as the Piehls are Zach’s surrogate parents, he did just that,” Stef said icily.

“You’re just trying to pick a fight with him,” Darius concluded. “That’s bullshit.”

“Your father asked me to deal with Wally and Clara, and part of that is dealing with issues that bother them. Will bothers them,” Frank said.

“Why?” Darius demanded. “Because he doesn’t ask their permission before he goes to visit Zach?”

“And because he bought Zach a car without asking them,” Frank said.

“What a bunch of crap,” Darius said dismissively, and then turned to JJ. “I am so done with this. You ready to go back to LA?”

“So ready,” JJ confirmed. He carefully folded his napkin and put it next to his plate, and stood up at the same time Darius did.

Darius zeroed in on Matt, to levy one parting shot. “And for the record, Will’s not the only one around here who thinks you’re a scumbag.” Matt’s eyes flew open in surprise and horror, but he was too stunned to say anything to Darius before he left the room.

JJ followed him more slowly and deliberately, as was his way, but in a particularly touching gesture, paused to pat Matt on the shoulder, a sign of support that I was sure Matt appreciated.

“I guess that means I’m leaving too,” Tiffany said, although there was no remorse in her voice over it. She exited the room, leaving two small clusters of people at the big dining room table: Matt, Frank, and Isidore at one end, with Stef and me at the other.

Stef spread his arms wide, and then augmented the gesture with words. “Evidently your sabbatical to Santa Cruz yielded less-than-stellar results. Well done.”

I gave Stef a mildly disapproving look, even though I shared his feelings. “I am wondering what your strategy is?” That question was directed at the other end of the table. I decided to start eating, since there was good food sitting in front of me, and because I thought that might add an air of normalcy and calmness to things.

“My strategy?” Frank asked.

“Yes,” I responded. “You have prodded Will, as Darius noted, for no apparent reason, and whatever you two have devised has obviously not worked well with Wade. So I am wondering what your plan is?”

“My plan was to talk to Will, to apologize to him, and to try and make things right between us,” Matt said.

“He is not ready to listen to you yet,” Stef said.

“So Matt’s supposed to do nothing while he pouts?” Frank asked.

“Will is not pouting, he is avoiding direct contact with you until his anger fades to the point where he can have a civil conversation with you,” Stef said to Matt, ignoring Frank. “I think he has earned that right, and I think it is a wise move on his part.”

“How will I know when he’s ready to talk?” Matt asked.

“I remember when Robbie and Brad were having an argument when they were still in high school,” I said. “Arguments were not unusual, but this one was particularly unpleasant.”

Isidore chuckled. “This much is certain.” We smiled at each other, sharing memories of our children when they were growing up, and how challenging they had been.

“Robbie was frustrated because when he approached Brad, Bradley would simply lash out at him. I explained that when Brad was ready to forgive him and repair their relationship, Brad would come to him. In that way, Brad and Will are very much alike,” I said.

“I’m worried that he’ll just leave things as they are,” Matt said, exposing how badly this was bothering him.

“You want to talk to him now, to end the issue, and to help you not feel so badly,” Stef said. “In his mind, not only have you wounded him, now you are asking him to jump through hoops to make you feel better. He is not overly concerned with your feelings at this point. When he is, he will seek you out.”

“It is not his way to just leave things hanging out there,” I said. “In this situation, you must be patient.”

“OK,” Matt said, but seemed to finally understand the point we were trying to make. “I guess I need to do the same thing with Wade.”

“I disagree,” I said. “Ignoring Will is a good idea, ignoring Wade is not.”

“I tried to talk to him,” Matt whined. I cringed, and was only able to forestall it when my eyes met Isidore’s and we silently chuckled together at how annoying that was.

“I think that with Wade, it is less about what you say, and more about what you do,” I said. I usually understood how Will was thinking, but with Wade, because he was so much like me, I was much more tuned in. “He will be looking for concrete actions, not words.”

“I’m sorry. I guess I wasn’t much help,” Frank said to Matt, and put his hand on Matt’s shoulder in a touching gesture. Matt looked like he was so distraught, he may just melt down in front of us.

I zeroed in on Matt, making him look at me. “We are not your enemies, and we are not here to cause you harm. I’d be happy to assist you, but I don’t want to pry into areas that are really none of my business.”

“No, JP,” he said, “you know Wade better than anyone. I could use some help.”

“At dinner the other night, you outlined a path for Matt,” I said to Frank, then turned to Matt. “That has changed?”

They both got nervous. “In retrospect, it seemed a little extreme,” Frank said.

“I was hoping we could just go back to how we were before…” Matt said, and then stopped, unwilling to even mention 9-11. “How we were in August.”

I shook my head. “Too much has changed for that to happen.”

“You have both been through too much, and have done too much, to simply ignore things and regress,” Stef added, for additional clarity.

“Wade told me that he was going to choose a law school based on what was best for him, and if I wanted to come along, that was fine. If not, tough shit,” Matt said.

I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t know how to frame it in a way to make things sound better for Matt. But he was looking at me, pleading with me for advice. “You are very close to losing him,” I said candidly, even though I was wondering if he already had.

“What?” Matt asked, really upset.

“He won’t even talk things out?” Frank asked. I sighed. Their outing to Santa Cruz may have been good for Frank, as he seemed to have gotten some of his spark back, but he was very bad at reading Wade, and his advice had clearly not benefitted Matt.

“He is making plans to move on alone,” I said. That saddened me, because I understood him so well. “I am willing to make a guess as to what he is thinking, provided you understand it is only conjecture on my part.”

“That’s fine,” Matt said hastily.

“Wade and I have somewhat similar personalities, so allow me to share one of my own situations, which I think may be analogous to what Wade is dealing with now.”

“You are much alike,” Stef said. “This much is true.”

“When I was at Northwestern and I was dating Jeff, we had an extensive argument and he ended our relationship.” I felt the sadness over that envelop me even now, and I felt Stef’s hand reach out and grab mine to support me. “It was devastating to me to lose the man I loved. The agony was truly extreme.”

“You have always been a cool and calm person,” Isidore said. “The only times I have seen you truly lose that veneer were when you were having arguments with your boyfriends, Jeff in particular. Or with Bradley.” That made us all laugh, and was some welcome comic relief.

“True,” I agreed, and gave her a soft smile before returning to my story. “The only way for me to deal with that pain was to forge ahead alone. I resolved that love made me weak, and that if I was by myself, and did not love, I would not be vulnerable to the emotional chaos it could cause.” They looked at me, looks of pity, which I found particularly annoying.

“You think that’s where Wade is?” Matt asked.

“I think he may indeed be there,” I confirmed. “He is ready to move on to the next stage of his life. He is looking at you, and he sees a college student who will not grow up. I would guess he is wondering if there is a place for someone like you in his new life.”

“That’s not really fair,” Frank said. “They haven’t even graduated yet. Isn’t Wade being unreasonable, demanding that Matt make all these sacrifices now?”

It was ironic that Frank and I were having this quasi-argument as proxies for Matt and Wade. “Let me reiterate that I cannot speak for Wade.”

“But you must have an opinion,” Isidore prodded. They all looked at me intently, so I ventured in where I probably shouldn’t.

I focused my attention on Matt. “I think that based on the way you have acted over the past month, Wade is feeling neglected and unloved. He wants some assurances, some guarantees that you can and will make this next move with him. And while your tryst with Tony would on the surface seem to have damaged your relationship with Will most of all, I would submit that Wade probably found it more devastating.”

“Why?” Matt asked.

“Because it was very immature, and showed a total lack of self-control, and a total disregard for members of your family. In essence, it confirmed all of his worst nightmares, that you were too much of a college jock to ever grow up and take your responsibilities seriously. And it makes him wonder, I am guessing, if you will ever be able to be a responsible partner, the kind of stalwart individual he will need beside him.”

“Shit,” Matt said.

“When Frank suggested that you quit the hockey team and that you commit to Wade, and only to Wade, I am sure that Wade heard that as a good start. When you tried to change the arrangement, I have to believe Wade felt that you regressed, and it must have squeezed what hope he had out of him,” Stef concluded.

“I have to do something!” Matt said, almost shouted, in a near panic.

“Yes you do,” I said to him firmly. He nodded, got up, and left. The only people remaining in the dining room were Frank, Isidore, Stef, and I. “This is much like old times, just the four of us,” I said affably.

“Those dinners were much less exciting,” Isidore said, grinning at me. I think she was hoping that the drama tonight was over, but Stef had other ideas.

“I would like you to consider the benefits of trying to help Wally and Clara be more accepting of Zach’s friendship with Will,” Stef said to Frank acidly. He was still very angry about that.

“Go ahead,” Frank said cautiously. He had been sufficiently cowed by the earlier discussions to listen to Stef.

“From my perspective, this relationship has been good for both Zach and Will,” Stef said. “I am most qualified to talk about Will, and I think this link with Zach has been key to helping him stabilize himself after the horrors of 9-11. I am very concerned that if that link is severed, it will damage him greatly.”

“I agree,” I said, to validate Stef’s point of view. Frank didn’t always take Stef as seriously as Stef deserved.

“Alright, I can see that,” Frank said. “But how has it helped Zach?”

“I have only second hand reports,” Stef said. “I will get to see things with my own eyes next weekend.”

“Is that why you are going?” Isidore asked.

“That is one reason,” Stef said. “Brad told me that the Piehls commented on how much happier Zach was when Will was around, and how much more motivated he was. Brad also noted how Wally tends to be very critical of Zach, and how that brings him down. It seems that Will may be an antidote for that, and may help him deal with Wally’s negativity.”

“Wally is just trying to guide Zach along,” Frank said.

“Zach was the star of the game this weekend, and last weekend,” Stef said. “My understanding is that Wally didn’t say one positive thing to him, but only criticized his mistakes. I am wondering at what level Zach must perform to avoid being bitched at? It seems this team he is on is one of the best in the country, and it would seem that Zach is one of the best players on the team. Is it not possible that the bar for him is being set just a little too high?”

“This is all hearsay,” Frank said.

“Then perhaps you should investigate it yourself,” Stef said acidly.

“Maybe I will,” Frank said.

November 4, 2001

Escorial

I was pissed off again, but it wasn’t as bad as it had been. This was more of an annoyance than a rage. So Frank finally comes out of his coma, and he decides to bust my balls? What the fuck? I shrugged that off, since there wasn’t anything I could do about it anyway. “What can I help you with?” I asked Wade.

“I got it. It’s fine,” he said. I could sense his sadness, even though he gave no outward sign of it. We walked down the hall toward my room, and the room next door, where he’d be staying.

“That didn’t turn out like you planned,” I said, teasing him. “You better check your crystal balls.”

He chuckled and grabbed his groin. “No, it didn’t.”

“I’ll check on you later, to see how organized you are.” Wade was nothing if not organized, so he gave me a dour look, which made me laugh.

“You do that,” he said.

I went into my room and realized I was pretty hungry. Not a smart idea to walk out on dinner when you’re starving. I was about to get one of the guys to drive me to get some food when there was a knock on my door. “Come in,” I said.

The door opened and Darius peeked in. “You’re not beating off, are you?”

“Not yet. Why? Wanna watch?”

“Pervert,” he said, cracking me up. “We’re bailing; heading back to LA.”

“Dude, I am so sorry,” I said, and felt like shit that they were trying escape from all this bullshit.

“This time, it’s not your fault,” he said.

JJ showed up behind him. “I’m almost ready, but Tiffany takes longer.”

“Christ,” Darius said, frustrated at being delayed. “And I have to fly with two crying babies.”

“Birth control,” I teased. “Maybe I’ll help you guys pack up.”

“Cool,” JJ said. Darius made to head up to the front with his bag. “Here, take mine.”

“What am I, your fucking valet?”

“Just do it,” JJ snapped.

“Fine,” Darius said, and sauntered off with both their bags.

“How are you doing?” JJ asked me.

“Better,” I said. “I spent some time at the condo, and it helped.”

He nodded. “I’m thinking of going to New York next weekend with you guys, if that’s OK with you.”

“You don’t have to ask me,” I said, even though that was a nice thing to do.

“I didn’t want to fuck up your time with Zach.”

“You won’t fuck it up, as long as you’re nice to him,” I said.

“I’ll be nice to him,” JJ snapped.

“Stef’s taking him shopping,” I said, and JJ started laughing.

“That’s going to be a riot. That’s worth the trip.”

I nodded. “I really like him.”

JJ looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “Seriously?” He saw me glare at that comment. “I thought you guys were just friends.”

“We’re good for each other,” I said simply.

“How? And don’t tell me all about the gross sex parts.”

“You’re getting to be as uptight as Darius,” I joked. “I need someone to help me deal with all this shit, and he needs someone to prop him up.”

“Like his ego isn’t already huge,” JJ said scornfully.

“Dude,” I said severely, to warn him not to be a dick. “He’s pretty much alone. All Wally does is cut him down and criticize him all the time. He’s super-competitive, kind of like you. How would you handle that?”

JJ looked at me, planning to argue that he wasn’t super-competitive, but gave up on that losing battle. “It would bum me out.” He paused to think about that. “I never had to deal with that from my family. You guys have always been my biggest cheerleaders. That’s got to suck for him.”

“You’ll get to see him play,” I said. “His game is on Saturday.”

“Football. Yay,” JJ said sarcastically.

“I’ll drag him to one of your competitions,” I told him. “Payback.” He chuckled. We got to the nursery to find Tiffany and the nurses in a mini-panic.

“It would be nice if you idiots could give me a little more notice before leaving,” she snapped.

“Keeps you on your toes,” JJ said.

“Here,” I said to the nurse, holding out my hands to take Maddy. “I’ll take her.”

“Thanks,” the nurse said, and handed her to me. Maddy smiled at me, like she usually did, and I made goofy faces at her to make her laugh. JJ just looked at me like I was nuts.

Wade came in, looking pretty disturbed. “You’re leaving?”

“We are,” Tiffany said. “Come down and visit.”

“I might just do that,” he said. He took Riley, and the two of us walked up to the foyer with the babies. We watched the staff pull the big Suburban limo up to the front and start loading it up with their stuff, most of it for Maddy and Riley. “Can’t exactly travel light when you’ve got babies.”

“Nope,” I said. I don’t think Darius and JJ had a clue as to what their impulsive decision had cost in the form of household chaos.

“And you are helping them get ready to leave?” Stef asked as he came up and stood with us.

“Yep,” I said. “Keeping the kids out of the way.”

“What are your plans after that?”

“I was thinking about going out for dinner,” I said. “I figured out, a little late, that it’s pretty stupid to run out on a meal when you’re hungry.”

He laughed. “While I have already eaten, perhaps you would like some company?”

“I’d love that,” I said. “I don’t get to spend as much time with you as I’d like.”

He smiled at that, and went off to make arrangements for yet another car to be brought around. Stef did not like to drive himself anymore. Tiffany, Darius, JJ, and the nurses came out and we helped them get in the car. We said goodbye, and it was sad, but we’d become used to it. “Guess I’ll go finish my move,” Wade said.

“Want me to bring you something back?”

“No,” he said. “I’ll get them to make me a cheeseburger or two.”

Stef appeared, and the limo arrived almost as soon as he did, so the two of us were off. I told the driver to take us to the French restaurant in town, since I knew Stef liked that place, and I figured there were some appetizers there that would appeal to him if he got hungry. “I’m sorry another dinner got screwed up,” I said.

“You were but a peripheral figure this time,” he said, cracking me up.

“If Frank decides to create problems with me and Zach, it’s not going to be pretty,” I said. “I guess I need to explain that to him.”

“I think he is just now re-engaging with his family, and he is learning the various strengths and weaknesses of the players involved,” Stef said. “I have encouraged him to come out to visit Zach and see him play.”

“Encouraged?”

“Perhaps that is putting too nice of a spin on it,” he said, making me laugh.

“I wish he could see the dynamic between Zach and Wally, but that means that we’d have to invite them along too,” I said. “I’d rather not deal with that.”

We got to the restaurant and got a table, and then I ordered a massive amount of food, while Stef had some wine. We chatted with the maître d’ in French, and then continued our discussion in that language. It was good practice, and a good way to minimize the chances eavesdroppers would understand us. “You started out with Zach as friends with benefits, and were keeping your distance.”

“It’s a little more intense than that,” I said in between bites.

“I am not JP, so that means I have no problems probing into your business even when you do not want me to,” he said, cracking me up.

“Don’t make me laugh when I’m eating,” I said, then finished swallowing my bite. “I’m not sure how I feel about him.”

“Explain it to me,” he said.

I put down my fork and knife. “It hasn’t even been a day since I left, and I feel lonely, like part of me is missing. I have to fight down the urge to pick up the phone and call him every ten minutes, but it’s not that hard, because he calls me a lot too. When I’m with him, the rest of the world stops, or it revolves around us. And when he’s not around, I feel like I’m living somewhere that I don’t belong.”

He smiled at me. “You said you were not going to fall in love with him.”

“Yeah, well it looks like I was wrong about that too.” He laughed.

“It would be tragic if he did not share your feelings,” he said.

“I think he does,” I said. “We don’t talk about it; we don’t use the ‘L’ word. But he told me he cares about me, and he shows me that he does.”

“How does he do that?”

“It’s weird Stef. It’s like he knows what I’m thinking, almost better than I do. And it’s strange, because I can do the same thing with him. I told him that the first night we hooked up. It was like he had this big façade up for everyone else, but it was as clear as glass to me.” I took a few more bites. “When I went to the condo, I got up in the morning, and was freaking out. I went up on the roof like Dad did. Zach came up and found me.”

“I heard about that,” Stef said.

“From who?”

“From your father. He went up to have his morning tea on the rooftop deck, and found it occupied.” I blushed three shades of red, and he started laughing.

“Well, being supportive takes different forms,” I said, sounding like Grand. “He’s been so good for me. He’s really helped me out. And I know I’m good for him.”

“I can’t imagine that you wouldn’t be,” he said.

“Wally just slices and dices him after every game. He called them while we were driving over to New York and put it on speaker so I could hear. The look on his face as Wally cut him down was really horrible. It was so sad. He was so pumped up, so high on the victory, and then it was like Wally let the air out of his tires. I could see him deflating in front of me.”

“That is unfortunate,” Stef said. “Did he not do that with Gathan?”

“Zach thinks he left Gathan alone because Wally didn’t play hockey, and didn’t know enough about it to critique him. But he knows enough about football to really be a pain in the ass.”

“You obviously trust him a great deal,” Stef said. “I wonder what will happen if that trust is misplaced?”

That got him an angry look, enough to make him recoil. “Gathan tried to give me that shit. He said that Zach told Brent that he was with me to skim me for every buck he could.”

“And Brent was lying?”

“No, Zach told Brent that,” I said. “He admitted it to me.”

“And that does not bother you?” he asked, confused. I got the feeling that he’d heard about this already, and that Gathan was feeding him info too. Someone else I’d have to have a talk with.

“No,” I said honestly. “He said it because Brent was giving him shit for being with me.”

“Why is that a problem? Brent is his brother. Surely he can know that Zach is involved with you.”

“No, he can’t,” I said. “That’s the deal. That’s the thing about this that really sucks. He has to be completely in the closet. He won’t even admit he’s gay to me, and he probably hasn’t admitted it to himself. He tells himself that he likes women, but he also likes the feel of a dick in his ass.”

“That is delusional,” Stef said.

“I know that, you know that, and even he knows that, but I’m not going to throw it in his face. The rumor that he’s after me for a few bucks, well, I don’t really give a shit. What’s he going to squeeze out of me? I already got him a car. And you already said you’d take him shopping.” He chuckled. “He’s not going to sap me for millions. That’s why it was such bullshit.”

“I see your point,” he said.

“Besides, he’s trusted me with just as much,” I said. “He’s gay with me. And I mean, he’s really gay with me.” I winked when I said that, and he giggled.

“And are you safe?”

I was dreading that question, but I knew it would come up. And I knew that once I answered it, it would get back to my father, and I’d have an unpleasant discussion with him about it. “I was. I’m not now.”

“Then that is indeed a lot of trust,” he said, and looked pretty annoyed.

“You never had unprotected sex with someone you were dating?” He grimaced. “This is where you tell me that was different, right?”

“Well, I was going to, but you saved me from turning myself into a hypocrite,” he said, making me laugh.

“If he’s bullshitting me Stef, he’s a better actor than anyone I’ve met in Hollywood, including Jack Nicholson.”

“Have you shared this with your father?”

“No.”

“I will maintain your confidence in this, even though it is a big deal, and even though he will kill me if he finds out,” he said.

“It’s really none of his business,” I said firmly. Or yours, I could have added.

“I would like to ask you to do me a favor,” he said.

“Go on.”

“I think it is important that you and Zach know that it is OK to admit if you slip up. Are you monogamous?”

“Not formally,” I said. “But in reality, we are.”

“Then you must tell him to promise you that if he makes a mistake, that he will tell you, and use condoms until he is cleared as negative again. And you must promise to do the same. And you must both promise that there will be no recriminations for it.” He eyed me carefully. “That means you cannot be mad at him for screwing up.”

“That would be tough to do,” I said honestly. “I know, we don’t have any commitment to be only with each other, but it would still bother me.”

“If you cannot get beyond that, and he cannot get beyond that, then you should not be barebacking in a non-monogamous relationship,” he pronounced.

“I’ll raise that issue when I see him next weekend,” I said. “I need to look him in the eye, so he knows I’m sincere.” And to make sure that he is.

“It is just a very risky thing.”

“It is,” I agreed, “but about 80% of the time we fuck, he bottoms.”

“You have become a top?” he asked, laughing.

“With him,” I admitted. “He’s the only guy who gets me off as well by topping as by bottoming.”

“Now that is unusual. I have not been with many men like that.”

“He likes it when I fuck him while he’s wearing his jock strap before a game,” I said, just to fire Stef up with that visual image.

He swallowed hard, cracking me up. “I think I would like that too.” I laughed harder.

“This one is off limits. No way I’m letting Matt come with us.”

“He has learned his lesson,” Stef said. “Now he just has to convince you. And Wade.”

“Good luck with that,” I said dubiously, wondering which one of us would be the tougher sell.