Make us laugh!

[TalonRider]

Christmas Golf

 

Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and oneremarked how for Christmas this year he'd love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the links.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says " Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turn to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, is it sex or golf?'

And she said, 'Take a sweater'.

[MikeL]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bill says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like the dickens! I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs $10. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Bill collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and Epsom salts, found in aisle 2. Avoid heavy activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bill began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bill hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and waits for the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

[TalonRider]

Pray For Gifts

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

[MikeL]

Christmas at Rock-Away Rest

        

Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.

A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
           
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.

The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
           
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" and "What Are Your Names?"

Old Grandfather Cooper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.

Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.

Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).
           
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.

Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.          

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.

We sang -- how we sang -- in our monotone croak,      
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. Stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.

And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
Before long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!

Edited December 11, 2014 by MikeL

[Valkyrie]

[C J]

                                                                                                                                

[TalonRider]

Love Santa

 

Dear Friends,

 

I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers-piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird poop!. On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my sh*t together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your a$$es down to Walmart before everything is gone.

 

Love,

Santa

[MikeL]

[K.C.]

 

[JamesSavik]

                                                                                                                                

Hey wait a minute- there's something fishy about that cat.

[TalonRider]

Office Holiday Memo

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office Conduct During The Christmas Season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

[MikeL]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther. The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story... Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and cunning will always overcome youth and enthusiasm!

[C J]

Hey wait a minute- there's something fishy about that cat.

I guess that's what the cats were thinking.  It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.  I guess I should post some more.

 

 

[TalonRider]

Originally posted on December 21, 2005 at The House.

 

 

On the first day of Christmas AOL gave to me,

a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the second day of Christmas AOL gave to me,

2 channels not working
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the third day of Christmas AOL gave to me,

3 error messages
2 channels not working
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the forth day of Christmas AOL gave to me,

4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages
2 channels not working
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the fifth day of Christmas AOL gave to me,

5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages
2 channels not working
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the sixth day of Christmas AOL gave to me,

6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages
2 channels not working
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the seventh day of Christmas AOL gave to me,

7 dozen spams,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages
2 channels not working
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the eighth day of Christmas AOL gave to me,

8 hours of busy signals,
7 dozen spams,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages
2 channels not working
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the ninth day of Christmas AOL gave to me,

9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 dozen spams,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages
2 channels not working
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the tenth day of Christmas AOL gave to me,

10 hours without mail,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 dozen spams,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages
2 channels not working
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the eleventh day of Christmas AOL gave to me,

11 can not access
10 hours without mail,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 dozen spams,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages
2 channels not working
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

On the twelfth day day of Christmas AOL gave to me,

12 reasons to cancel,
11 can not access
10 hours without mail,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 dozen spams,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages
2 channels not working
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

[MikeL]

[C J]

                                                                                                                    

[MikeL]

Computer Repair

 

Caller:  Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller:  Mouse is jammed.  
Customer Service: Mouse?  Printers don't have a mouse. 
Caller: Mmmmm? Oh really? I will send a picture...

 

 

 

Edited December 15, 2014 by MikeL

[MikeL]

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. 

 

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.  The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. 
  
He gave him a glass to drink.  The drunk tried it and said: "It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.  Low grade, but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the boss.
 
Another glass..."It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results." 

 

"Correct."
 
A third glass...''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.
 
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.   She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

 The alcoholic tried it.
 
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant - and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

 

Ciao, Y'all

Edited December 16, 2014 by MikeL

[Slytherin]

 

 

[TalonRider]

Posted 21 December 2005 - 08:26 PM

A Christmas Story


When I was a little boy, my family did not have a lot of money.
My father had a reasonably well paying job, but with four kids and
a dog, money was often tight. This is not to say that we were
deprived or unhappy. Our family did many activities together, but
our favorite was camping, which we did year-round, blazing heat or
freezing cold.

It was a great site to see the whole clan scrambling to get every-
thing together for a weekend trip. The whole family then piled
into our Chevy station wagon with a dog bigger than the three
smallest children put together. Dad would then tie down our
trusty tent to the top of the Chevy and off we would go.

Our tent was amazing in and of itself. It was an army surplus
tent, large enough for the whole family plus dog. It had survived
though rainstorms, snowstorms, and windstorms. It had twice been
uprooted from its stakes in high winds. (Makes me wonder why we
went camping in so much terrible weather.) It had blown off the
Chevy a couple of times, but it had always survived. At least it
survived with mother's help at the sewing machine. It had patches
over patches but it was still our faithful camping tent.

But alas, canvas can only last so long, so after about ten years
of steady service, my Dad admitted one summer that our tent was no
longer useable. We didn't go camping at all the following fall.
The only thing that kept us kids controllable was that Dad
promised we would get a new tent at Christmas, and we could go
camping all winter.

So Mom and Dad went on a savings program to get the money for our
new tent. They even got us kids to pitch in a little. Money was
tight, but the savings accumulated, and we all had visions of a
great winter outdoors. That is, until disaster struck in late
November, and my little bother Johnny broke his arm. Dad hadn't
counted on an emergency, and the hospital and doctor bills
completely depleted our tent saving. We were all downcast at the
prospect of no winter camping. Even I was almost sorry I pushed
Johnny off the roof.

So as Christmas approached, we were all pretty glum. There
weren't as many presents around the tree as usual, because the
extra money had gone into my bother's arm. Finally, Christmas
Eve was here, and our month long depression was lifted a little,
because we could open our presents. Dad had to work, but he was
late, and hadn't called. Mother began to worry, and just before
she called the police, Dad drove up.

We couldn't believe our eyes! There on top of the Chevy was a
brand new shiny tent, even larger than Old Faithful. Instantly,
five voices started asking Dad question after question, so he
ushered us all into the living room, around the Christmas tree to
tell us what happened.

It seems that Dad had seen an advertisement for a store called
SURPLUS CITY (all caps required). Last week he had gone by to
see if they had any tents that we could afford. There was one
perfect tent (the only one actually) for $60. So Dad worked a
little overtime and scrimped a little on his Christmas gifts and
he scraped together about $45. That night he had gone to SURPLUS
CITY with his $45 and tried to get a bargain on the tent. He had
managed to chisel the manger down to $50 for the tent, but from
there the manager wouldn't budge. There was no credit or lay-away
at SURPLUS CITY, either, just cold hard cash.

So Dad went back out to the car, and thought about how hard it
would be to come home empty handed. In a flash of inspiration,
he got the spare tire from the car and went back in. He asked
the manager if he would take the spare tire for $5 so he could
buy the tent.

With that act of desperation, the manager's heart softened. What
with it being Christmas and all, and my father being so intent on
getting the tent, and stopping in several times over the past
week, he let Dad have the tent for $40.

When Dad finished telling this story, we all cheered and hollered
and generally made fools of ourselves. That was the happiest
Christmas I have ever had. And that was the best winter of
camping we ever had too, in THE WINTER OF OUR DISCOUNT TENT.

[MikeL]

THE WINTER OF OUR DISCOUNT TENT

 

Groan...but I like it.

[MikeL]

Wedding cakes?  Why not divorce cakes, too?

 

 

                    

[Slytherin]

[TalonRider]

Posted 12 January 2006 - 08:52 AM

 

This name was found in the credits to one of those animated Christmas shows. Dick Shaken.

[MikeL]