Make us laugh!

[JamesSavik]

The Seventies

 

Turn on the black light,
Smoke some pot,
I wish I remembered,
All the fun I forgot.

We partied hearty
every night
If you missed the orgies
Yo ass was too tight.

Rock and roll
Was at its peak,
Of the abomination disco
we will not speak.

Leisure suits will last forever
Polyester eternity, Disco infirmity
Herpes was just the worst
Although VD was first
Everybody got laid,
In the seventies, we had it made.

 

[TalonRider]

Posted 30 November 2006 - 10:58 PM

 

'Twas Assembly Before Christmas


'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."

And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.

We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.

Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.

Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded;
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!

[MikeL]

 Advice from Curtis & Leroy:  
 
  

Limit all US politicians to two terms;
  One in office, one in prison. 
 

[TalonRider]

Posted 03 December 2006 - 02:32 PM

 

Christmas Gifts for Men


Christmas is just around the corner so here are some gift ideas for those special men in your life!
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his ear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a Vikings game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

[MikeL]

[Slytherin]

[TalonRider]

Posted 19 December 2006 - 01:15 AM

 

Cheap Gifts

After being away on business for a week before the Christmas Holiday, Bob thought it would be nice to bring his wife a gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics woman at the Department Store. So, she showed him a bottle of $50 perfume.

"That's a bit much," said Bob. The woman then returned with a smaller bottle costing $30.

Bob complained, "That’s still a lot of money."

Growing disgusted, the woman brought out her smallest little bottle of $15 perfume.

Bob grew even more restless and replied, "No no… What I mean is I'd like to see something really cheap!"

So the clerk handed him a mirror!!

[TalonRider]

Posted 14 December 2006 - 07:32 AM

 

A Sign of the Times

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"


*******************************************************************


Christmas Fireman

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

[MikeL]

[C J]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

 

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey son, may I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

 

 

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

[TalonRider]

Posted 30 November 2006 - 10:55 PM

 

 

Blonde Christmas


There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods
searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with
hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm
chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's
decorated or not!"

[MikeL]

 SENIOR   CITIZENS  
ARE THE  NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
 

HEARING   AIDS 

 
BAND  AIDS  

ROLL   AIDS  

WALKING  AIDS   

MEDICAL  AIDS  

GOVERNMENT   AIDS  

MOST OF  ALL,  
MONETARY  AID TO THEIR  KIDS! 

Not   forgetting HIV
(Hair  is Vanishing)

[TalonRider]

 

 

 

 

[MikeL]

I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.

[JamesSavik]

[MikeL]

Getting others to accept you is easy when you have something they need. ~ Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

[MikeL]

FINALLY... A Keyboard for  Old Men!

 

 

 

[Greg_A]

 

FINALLY... A Keyboard for  Old Men!

 

 

 

 

 

Nice Beta test, but the user group said the Porn button needed to be bigger.....

[MikeL]

Paddy was  planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a  virgin.

The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from Home Depot. A can of red  paint, a can of blue paint... And a  shovel.'

 Paddy asked, 'And what do I  do with these, doc?'

The doc replied, 'Before the  wedding night, you paint one of your balls red  and the other ball blue.

If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I  ever saw",  you hit  her with the  shovel.'

[MikeL]

.

Edited December 29, 2014 by MikeL

[MikeL]

A woman went to the emergency room,  where she was seen by a young new  doctor.   After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
   
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.   
 
 An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.    

 

Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.  "What the heck's wrong with you?" He demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren , and you told her she was pregnant???!!!" 
 
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the  hiccups?"

Edited December 29, 2014 by MikeL

[MikeL]

This becomes effective JANUARY 1, 2015 in ALL States.

The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.

Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%
when the belt is properly installed.

Correct installation is illustrated below...

 

[Lugnutz]

A woman went to the emergency room,  where she was seen by a young new  doctor.   After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

   

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.   

 

 An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.    

 

Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.  "What the heck's wrong with you?" He demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren , and you told her she was pregnant???!!!" 

 

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the  hiccups?"

 

 

Will have to use this one.

[Valkyrie]

At least they got an equal number of pepperoni pieces on each slice. 

 

[Slytherin]

At least they got an equal number of pepperoni pieces on each slice. 

 

 

Hahahahaha

 

Stole this from a PM a green friend of  mine sent me lol