Make us laugh!

[JamesSavik]

[MikeL]

Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:

Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?        

Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink schnapps.

Reporter: When do you drink water?

Hattie: I've never been that sick.  

Edited November 30, 2014 by MikeL

[TalonRider]

Mind Teazer's

The Questions:
1. The maker doesn't want it, the buyer doesn't use it and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?
3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a 20 German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers he defeated them 20 and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership in World War One From the Men of Battalion 8" Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story?
6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agreed is between heaven and earth?
7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year?
8. A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died and she never divorced. How was this possible?
9. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills?
10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
11. A taxi driver was called to take a group of passengers to the train station The station is normally an hour away, but with extra heavy traffic, it took a full hour and a half. On the return trip the traffic was still as heavy and yet it took only 90 minutes. Why?
12. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.
13. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?
14. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
15. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
16. There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the "International Home Show" One of them was the father of the other's son. How could this be possible?
17. After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27, 1983, would a Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow's sister?

The Answers:
1. A coffin
2. The child was born before 1776
3. Mount Everest, it just hadn't been discovered!
4. Clara lives in the Southern Hemisphere
5. World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II
6. The word "and"
7. They fall in the same year every year, New Year's Day just arrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year
8. The lady was a Justice of the Peace
9. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills
10. Only once, then you are subtracting it from 20
11. An hour and a half IS 90 minutes
12. "one word"
13. Penguins live in the Antarctic
14. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow
15. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg
16. They were husband and wife
17. He can't because he's dead

[MikeL]

[Valkyrie]

This reminds me of Mr. Bean playing with the Nativity scene in the department store.  LOL 

 

[MikeL]

[Valkyrie]

[Slytherin]

looks very familiar where have I seen this Before     

 

Look at this

 

 

[MikeL]

[joann414]

A blonde finished her Christmas shopping and got into her car to head home.  When she tried to drive forward, the wheels spun in the snow and ice.  The same happened when she tried to back up.  Talking to herself she said, "Remember what father said.  If you're ever stuck in the snow, a snow plow will come along sooner or later.  Don't panic.  Just get behind it when it comes by."  Sure enough a few minutes later, she saw a truck with a snow plow coming.  After it passed her and moved the snow in front of her she got in behind it, happily humming along with the radio.

 

The man in the truck noticed her following him and after about an hour stopped and got out of the truck, walking back to her car.  He tapped on the blondes window and when she rolled it down he asked, "Why are you following me?"

 

The blonde repeated what her father had told her.  The man replied.  "Well, I'm finished with Wal-Mart's parking lot.  You're welcome to follow me on over to clear Best Buy's parking lot.

Edited December 4, 2014 by joann414

[Valkyrie]

looks very familiar where have I seen this Before     

 

Look at this

 

 

 

 

Hmph.  I can't be bought that easily!  LOL   

[TalonRider]

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas.
Iv ben a good Boy all yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn care specialist. How 'bout I send you a freakin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
_____________


Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire
truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your freakin house. Then you'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with!
Santa
_____________


Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd
like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
_____________


Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes,
a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Francis...FRANCIS! Who the hell names their kid "Francis" nowadays? How 'bout I get you a Barbie and Ken doll FRANCIS! ...hahahahahahahahaha. Tell me Francis, do you get punched in the face alot in school? hehehehehohoho
Santa
_____________

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
You must be a major DORK. Don't you read the freakin' tags
you little loser? All toys get made in China! I have a
condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing
cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at
the craps table. And NO you little dweeb - reindeers can't
fly. But they sure taste good with A-1 sauce!
Santa
_____________


Dear Santa,
I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please PLEASE!
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but
that stuff don't work up here. You're getting a sweater
again. Are you by any chance related to Francis?
Santa
_____________


Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're
getting your a** beat at school. Secondly, you don't live
in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in.
Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do,
through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
Santa


Grinch

[MikeL]

A local teen approached Chuck Sharp, the owner of a farm near me, and asked for a summer job. Chuck being short-handed agreed at once.

"What do you pay?" asked the youth.

Chuck said, "Well... I'll watch you work a day or two, then, I'll pay you what you're worth."

As the kid turned to walk away, he sneered, "No way am I gonna work for that paltry amount of money." 

[TalonRider]

Bike from Santa...


... On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike."
The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said,
"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the d*ck underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[MikeL]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought long and hard about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad." 

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

All was well until the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."

Edited December 6, 2014 by MikeL

[MikeL]

No Bathing Suits Allowed In the Lobby

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=_CD16x3amQI

 

 

Don't mess with old people.

[Slytherin]

 

 

[Valkyrie]

[TalonRider]

Torturing Santa

 

Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. "

Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

[MikeL]

[TalonRider]

Weewee Chu

 

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung
Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full
moon, when Huan Cho said "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Jung Lee.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and
it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.

"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."

Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang....."Weeweechu a
Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

[MikeL]

THE DUCK IS DEAD!

 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"  "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

[Slytherin]

Okay I tested these Pictures on two  friends Before I post them here - I totally blame them if you don't like the Pictures

 

 

 

 

Edited December 9, 2014 by slytherin

[Valkyrie]

Okay I tested these Pictures on two  friends Before I post them here - I totally blame them if you don't like the Pictures

 

 

 

 

What's not to like?  It's ornaments and exploding candles.   

[Greg_A]

Okay I tested these Pictures on two  friends Before I post them here - I totally blame them if you don't like the Pictures

 

 

 

 

Where is this place and how do I get there?  And did anyone else think of the line:

 

What happens in Gay Vegas, stays in Gay Vegas......