Cards on the Table - 42. Chapter 42 You Can't Turn a Heart into a Diamond

Cards on the Table

Chapter 42

Kendall stood close to Michael’s side as he held the whimpering youngster. It was heartbreaking. He’d always had an affinity for Nate, a strong feeling of kinship from their very first introduction. The resemblance to his uncle was striking, and when Kendall had last spent time with the boy two years ago this Christmas, they had gotten along like a house on fire. The year before that he’d also spent Christmas with him, as well as some time during his summer visit to his grandparents. The boy was like the little brother he never had. Except... he was no so little anymore.

That vibrant, rambunctious kid was nowhere to be seen this morning. With his one hand resting on Michael’s shoulder, he found his other one reaching for Nate’s. He had an overpowering need, like Michael was showing, to comfort and protect him from all the bad things in the world. All he could do at the moment was rub his neck and back in support. He remembered well the debilitating horror of thinking your own father didn’t truly care about you. The black eye he sported upset Kendall to no end. Still, it was hard for him to believe Mark Grant would do such a thing to his son, and he hoped despite the evidence that he was jumping to the wrong conclusion. He recollected too there was no pain like the one you experienced at your own father’s hand.

One minute turned into five before a red-faced, puffy-eyed Nate collected himself enough to pull away from Michael’s chest. He attempted a smile, but failed. “I’m sorry, I guess I’m really tired.” He tried to put a façade back on, but his uncle wasn’t having it. He pulled his nephew back in against him and stroked the short wavy hair on the back of his head.

“I don’t know what happened, Nate, but I’m here for you… we’re all here for you, and you’re safe now."

Kendall took in the tear-filled eyes around the room and again noticed how exhausted Colleen was. Big Mike wasn't all that much better as he rubbed his face with his hands. It was clear he was trying to stem the flow of tears. He sought out Michael's eyes and sent him a silent message. They would figure this out. A small smile of thanks was returned.

Colleen, with a look to her husband, visibly brightened as she ordered everyone to the table for breakfast. It was a valiant effort it on her part. Nate tried to beg off eating but his grandmother insisted a boy ‘growing like a weed’ needed to eat. Kendall was pleased when he gave in easily. Instinct told him the young man needed to engage with understanding people who cared about him in order to make some headway. Hiding alone in a bedroom was not the answer right now. It had never helped him.

“So, when did you get here?” he asked nonchalantly as he started digging into his scrambled eggs.

The boy’s eyes slowly rose from his own plate, and he looked at Kendall shyly. “Grams and Gramps picked me up last night at the airport. Mom got me on a late flight from Edmonton... she called it the redeye.” He looked back down and grabbed a piece of bacon with shaky fingers.

“We got back here at about three in the morning,” Big Mike mumbled, only to get chastised by Colleen for speaking with his mouth full. He grinned at her. “Tell that to the boys then, and good luck with that, sweetie.” That got him a laugh and lightened the tension a little.

“So you guys didn’t get much sleep then?” Michael asked.

“A few hours. Nate didn’t sleep very well,” Colleen answered casually

It was Kendall’s turn to keep the conversation going. “So were you too wound up to sleep, Nate? I remember us needing a bomb to get you moving in the morning when you were here last."

A quick grin appeared, and was gone as quick as it came. “I guess I had a nightmare and woke Grams up,” he said apologetically, his head again facing his plate.

“I was awake anyway, baby boy, so don’t you worry about that. We had a good talk, didn’t we?”

“Yes, Grams,” Nate croaked out. The sound of his voice cracking seemed to horrify him, and Kendall watched the blood rise in a flush up his neck to his face. “Um, is it all right if I… may I be excused please?” He was addressing his grandmother, but his eyes darted around the table like a scared rabbit before refocusing on her. Kendall sensed he was close to falling apart again. The veneer protecting him was stretched thin.

“Don’t you want to finish your breakfast first? You haven’t eaten much at all, and you wouldn’t eat last night when we got home.” Colleen was back to looking exhausted so Kendall took a chance, reacting on instinct and the desperate look he saw on Nate’s face.

“Mom, how about Nate and I take plates up to his room and he can pick at his breakfast if he wants? Nate, if you feel like talking, maybe we can catch up and you can bend my ear like you used to… but only if you want to. How does that sound?” Kendall gave Colleen what he hoped was a confident look… that he knew what he was doing.

“Yes please, I’d like that,” the boy said, relief evident in his quiet voice. “Um… I guess I should call you Uncle Kendall, right?” he asked, and there was a hint of a twinkle in his eye.

“Yup, I’m your uncle now,” he replied while staring at his somewhat perplexed fiancè. It was clear he was having trouble figuring out what he was doing. Kendall winked at him. “Okay, come on, Nephew... grab your plate and let’s go. We’ll leave these grown-ups to chat among themselves.”

For the first time since they arrived, the boy's spirits appeared to lift as he gave a little giggle. A smile lit his face briefly when Kendall walked around the table to lean down and give a frozen Michael a little kiss on the mouth.

“I’ll be back, Sunshine." Before heading for the stairs, he grabbed some more toast and bacon and put it on Nate’s plate, stage whispering, “We gotta keep Grams happy.” He leaned in and kissed Colleen. “I’ll make sure he finishes breakfast, Mom, and you need to go lay down for a while, please?” It was a request that made Colleen smile, but she said nothing. “Grab your juice, Nephew.” Nate giggled again, one that was so like his uncle's and grandmother's, and they were on their way, or in Nate’s case, he was making his escape.

They could be heard laughing as they trekked up the stairs. Like a dam had burst, Colleen started sobbing. Michael immediately went to his mother, kneeling down and holding her in a comforting embrace. He looked over to see tears in his father's tired eyes once again. God, this was tough on them. “You’re not upset with what Kendall did, are you?” Michael asked quietly. “Whatever he's doing, you know you can trust him to make things better.”

“Lord no. I know exactly what he's is doing. It’s just the boy has been through so much. Kendall is an amazing man. He managed to get Nate to laugh, and that’s something your father and I couldn’t do. He knew exactly what to do, and he’s going to be a wonderful father, Michael.” Colleen’s tears began to slow.

“Hey, let’s go in the living room where you can lay down… Kendall’s right about that… and maybe you can tell me what’s going on? I’m really confused.”

“Well, I must admit I am tired. I’ll have a sit on the couch and tell you what your sister told me.” She let him guide her while Big Mike followed, the plates of food on the table forgotten.

Once she was situated in the corner of the couch with her feet up at his insistence, Colleen relayed what she knew. Megan had called her the day before in an anxious state, asking if she could send Nate there while she worked some stuff out with Mark.

“What stuff?” Michael’s angry frown and tone got a warning from his mother.

“The last thing we need is for anyone to go off half-cocked, so please, for everyone’s sake just stay calm, okay?”

“All right... sorry.” He looked at his Dad’s hard-to-decipher face before turning back to his mother. “So what did she have to work out with Mark?”

“Megan told me this all in a rush… she’s going to call again today. She knows Nate made it here safe and sound.” Colleen let out a sigh of worry he assumed was for her daughter. “Mark caught Nate kissing a boy in their garage... his best friend I think, and apparently he freaked out. It sounds like he handled it in the worst way possible, and chased the other boy out of there. Nate told Mark he was gay, but his father wouldn’t accept it.” Colleen shook her head as if in disbelief. “I knew he was a little rigid in some of his beliefs but I never suspected he was homophobic. His reaction shocked Megan too.”

Big Mike spoke up. “If I’d known he held those kind of views, I’d have set him straight for sure. He knows how close I am to my brother, and he knows Angelo's husband was my best friend growing up, yet the bastard never had the guts to say anything to me.” That was a big speech for Big Mike to make, and Michael slowly absorbed what he said. His dad was trying to hold in the same anger he was.

“Do Mark and Megan know about Kendall and me?”

“Yes, bonnie boy, I told your sister when you first got together, and if Mark had an opinion, I never heard it. Michael,” Colleen said softly, “Megan saw the same thing between you boys your father and I did. She mentioned it to me the second time she saw you two together, on that summer vacation… you know, following the first Christmas Kendall was here. She was so happy when I told her you boys finally figured it out… she’s always loved him... and she’s been waiting for you to tell her officially.”

The fact that others noticed how he and Kendall felt about each other no longer surprised him. “I’ve kind of neglected her, haven’t I?” Once again he felt guilty for not keeping up regular contact with his sister.

“Honey, you’re both guilty of that. Her not coming for Christmas last year didn’t help any. Their business is just so hectic.” Colleen appeared lost in thought as Michael stewed.

“Mom… so what happened to Nate… did Mark do that to him… give him that black eye?”

“That’s the thing,” she uttered, shaking her head. “Mark and Nate both say it was an accident.”

“An accident? That doesn’t look like no accident to me.”

“Well, we talked to Nate last night, and he said he was arguing with his dad because he didn’t want to go back to the church group Mark put him in. He said the minister outed him to other students from his high school.”

“Church group?” He was incredulous as he looked from his mom to his dad. “What the hell? Why would Mark put him in a church group and why would he want him to go if he said he didn’t? The kid’s thirteen, for God’s sake.”

“He’ll be fourteen in another week, Michael. Nate said his father thought the church group could fix him, and that he was too young to know whether he was gay or not. So, apparently the argument got heated, and when Nate tried to leave, Mark grabbed him and held on. Nate says he shoved his father away and turned to run and he hit his face on the doorframe of the kitchen. And that’s the same story Mark told Megan. And now it’s all one big mess, and your sister doesn’t know what to do.”

“Damn him! He wants to fix him? That son of a bitch. Nate’s not broken… he’s gay! What an asshole. I’m going to call him right now.” He started heading for the coat closet to get his phone when Colleen stopped him.

“Stop right now!” she whispered harshly, “I know you’re upset… we all are, but you will do no such thing. Let your sister figure this out, and if she needs our help she’ll ask for it. Now keep your voice down. Nate is in a bad way, and we don’t want him anymore upset than he already is.”

“Okay... okay you’re right.. I just....” Michael tried his best to get a grip on his emotions. “It’s just… shit, the poor kid. He’s being punished for something he can’t help, and it really pisses me… sorry, Mom… it makes me angry, and I want to do something.” He hung his head, his frustration maddening.

“We understand, bonnie boy, we do. Your dad and I feel the same way, but we have to trust Megan. There’s something else you need to know. This happened on Friday night, and Nate was in bed when Megan got home so she didn’t know anything had happened. She didn’t find out until yesterday morning when she saw his face. That's when she had it out with Mark... he swore he didn’t hit him and Nate backed his story up, and then Mark left for the day. He was contracted out along with one of their rental bulldozers. Now... don’t freak out, but when Nate went for a shower she was sitting on his bed crying… and she found a bottle of her prescription painkillers under his bedcovers… really strong ones.” Colleen made a choking noise before tears made another appearance.

Michael plunked down in one of the big chairs like he’d been shot. All the air rushed out of him as stark fear took over. There could be only one reason for those pills to be in his bed. Minutes went by as three people considered the gravity of the situation. “Did he take any?”

“No, Michael, no. Megan counted them. But she asked him about them when he finished his shower and he admitted it, that he considered taking them. When he said it was because he didn’t want to be gay, and that he couldn't handle his father hating him, that’s when she made the decision to send him here… to us… and to you and Kendall. She’s hoping the two of you can help him accept who he is.

“And, when I emailed your sister after we got home from the airport, she said Mark had no idea Nate wasn’t in his room. She made it back from the airport before he got in, and she insisted Mark sleep in the basement. She’d already sent the girls on a sleepover with the neighbor’s kids, and she’s talking to him today, so we have to sit tight and wait to hear from her. Megan’s a strong woman but she’s at a crossroads here. She loves her husband, but she loves her kids more, so there’s a chance she’ll be ending her marriage today if she doesn’t get through to the man. They’ve spent twelve years building that business, and if they split up they’ll lose it all. It needs both of them to make it work.”

“Wow, this has got to be so tough for her. Would she move back here?”

“We don’t know, but we’d welcome here with open arms if she did.” Her eyes filled up again. “They’ve been together since they were sixteen. That’s a lot of years to throw away, but if I know Megan, she’ll stand her ground. Mark will have to accept his son as he is, not who he wants him to be. She’s furious about the church group fiasco. Mark arranged that on his own without telling her. She’d already said no to the idea.”

Michael moved from the chair to the couch and drew his mother into his arms. “It’ll work out, Mom, you’ll see.” He did his best to console her, but his mind was spinning as they waited to hear from his older sister. Despite the seven years between them, they had always shared a special closeness. His thoughts went to his fiancè. He hoped he was getting somewhere with their nephew.

They were both chuckling as they entered what was known as the kids' room. Nate had relaxed more and more the farther they got away from the kitchen, and Kendall was determined not to let his feelings show at the sadness of the situation. The room had a set of bunk-beds on one wall, with a single bed on the opposite side under the wide and deep window. In years past, the top bunk had been Nate’s, but Kendall could see he’d laid claim to the single bed this time, out of necessity. The lad sure had grown, and it had to be tough to look so much older than the child he still was.

“Are we sitting here?” he asked, gesturing to the bed under the window.

“I don’t think there’s room for both of us… Uncle Kendall.” Nate’s grin was infectious, so like Michael’s.

“Sure there is. I’ll sit up in the corner, and you can lean against the window frame. Your plate will fit on the sill.” He took the juice from Nate, and said, “Sit.” When he handed the glass back, he instructed the boy to set it on the sill. “I remember what a klutz you are and I don’t want to be wearing that OJ,” he teased.

“Klutz? Right,” Nate scoffed. “I bet I can still run circles around you in soccer, and I can stay on my feet,” he joked back, sounding more and more like the spunky kid he remembered.

“Hey, you tripped me… twice, you little weasel.” He gave him an indignant look that had Nate convulsing in giggles.

“Okay, maybe I tripped you once, Unc, but the other time you fell over your own big feet.”

“Unc?” Kendall raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, sorry… Uncle Kendall." His gaze dropped, and the smile slid from his face.

“Hey… I like it. You can call me Unc if you want, okay?” He spoke softly, as if he was calming a frightened animal. It worked.

“Okay. So, is it true? About you and Uncle Mike?” Intensity radiated from the kid as he waited for the answer.

“Is what true?” Kendall started eating his breakfast again, so Nate turned his attention to his own plate and did the same.

“That… um… that you two love each other. That you’re gay and you love each other?” There was so much hope in his query, like he was searching for a lifeline, and Kendall had to fight not to get emotional.

“Yes, and yes. We’re gay and we love each other. We love each other to the moon and back.” He looked up from his plate and smiled at the boy.

“Is there anyone you love?” Kendall asked with a little smirk. He watched the boy blush a crimson hue, and he laughed. “So tell me about him, if you want.” He sensed the trepidation in him, and understood it for what it was. He’d never talked to anyone about these kind of things before.

His suspicions were confirmed when Nate muttered, “He doesn’t want anyone to know… and I don’t know what to say because he doesn’t feel the same way. It’s kind of weird to talk about.”

“First of all, you’re with someone who understands, and secondly, if you don’t want me to say anything to anyone, I won’t. I’m your Unc, remember?”

That got him another giggle from his nephew, followed by a loaded sigh. “His name is Josh… but he doesn’t want to see me anymore.” Nate’s chin went to his chest and Kendall witnessed instant tears wet his shirt.

“Do you want to tell me about it, bud? You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.” What he really wanted was to grab him and comfort him, but let him keep his space as hard as it was.

“My dad caught us in the garage.” Nate turned his head and fixed his eyes on something in the backyard. “We were kissing for the first time... and my dad grabbed him by the arm, and said... stuff… he scared him, and wouldn’t listen to me when I tried to talk. He shoved him out the door… he held me back, and shoved Josh out into the snow.” It was if he was reliving it, and more tears cascaded down. “He told Josh he wasn’t welcome at our house anymore, and now Josh won’t talk to me… he won’t even look at me at school.” A gulping sob shook out of Nate. “He left me a message on my phone saying it was a mistake, and he wasn’t like that… like me, and he wanted me to leave him alone.”

When he put his plate aside and held out his arms, Nate flew into them. Kendall held him while he let more of his pain out. He'd always thought Mark was a decent guy, but in that moment all he wanted was a chance to beat him to a pulp. He couldn’t stop his own tears from wetting Nate’s hair. It only took a couple of minutes, and Nate pulled himself together enough to sit back. He snorted when Nate realized he was sitting on a wet patch of orange juice. The boy took a look at the glass lying on its side on the window ledge and started to giggle, and then laugh.

“Klutz.” Kendall pointed at him, and they both laughed harder. He ended up getting a towel from the hall bathroom to sop up the little spill while they both calmed down. “So, what happened to your eye?”

After a moment’s hesitation, Nate began to speak. “He didn’t hit me, Uncle Kendall, he really didn’t. I know my mom thinks I was covering for him, but I wasn’t. He wanted me to go back to see our minister, and I wouldn’t.

“I went the first time, last Tuesday, to this church group he insisted I go to, and there were three other guys there, and I knew two of them. One guy, Kyle, is on my hockey team. That bastard minister told them I was gay. He stood in front of the others and said stuff about smoking pot, about stealing, and I think the guy beside me was about telling lies, and then he stood in front of me and said ‘homosexuality is a sin,' and one of the guys I knew started laughing. I took off out of there... there was no way....

“My dad was mad I left and he kept bugging me all week. He wanted me to go again on Monday, but I told him no fucking way. He brought it up again on Friday when Mom wasn’t there, but I said no again. I went to leave but he tried to stop me, and he grabbed my shirt with both hands. I was so mad because he couldn't stand the thought of me being gay... and he didn’t even care about what our minister did, so I shoved him really hard. I turned and ran, and I smacked my head on the doorway between the kitchen and the hallway. And I know my mom and dad are fighting now, probably even worse than the last week, and it’s all because of me… because I like guys instead of girls. My dad thinks I can just decide to like girls, but I’ve tried, Unc, I’ve really tried. And now all my friends are treating me weird and most of them don’t even talk to me. In school, I kept hearing the word fag… like all the time, and I just wanted to disappear.”

“What do you mean when you say you wanted to disappear?” He had read between the lines, hearing the sadness, and alarm bells went off.

Nate kept his head down. “Nate? Are you going to answer me?” He waited... he needed to hear the answer.

Without looking up, he finally whispered, “I’ve thought about taking some of my mom's pills and going to sleep... and not waking up… but I didn’t, and I don’t want to do that now. Honest.” He peered upwards at him, and Kendall saw the truth there, and fought the chill Nate’s words had created out of thin air.

“Good,” he said with a huge sigh. “I believe you, Nephew, but I need you to promise if you ever feel that way again, you’ll talk to me first. Or to Uncle Mike or your grandparents. Do you promise?”

“Yes, I promise.”

“Okay, get your phone. We need to program some numbers in it.”

After Nate grabbed his phone from the dresser, Kendall rhymed off his and Michael’s cell numbers, and his work number, along with Michael’s precinct number, just in case. He was pleased Nate attached one-touch speed numbers to each one.

“So, we have a deal, right? You can call anytime day or night. If you call my work, just tell them you’re my nephew, and they’ll put you through. And don’t worry about anything like extra charges or anything. We’ll take care of them, all right?”

“Okay, and I promise. I’m pretty sure I won’t be having those thoughts again. It means a lot to see what you and Uncle Mike have. My mom told me… I think to try and make me feel better when I told her I hated being gay. She said I’ll be happy one day just like you guys are. Now that I’m here, I’m starting to believe it. You're are like my heroes… my gay heroes.” He giggled when Kendall laughed and reached over to ruffle his short black hair, so like Michael’s.

“Gay heroes, eh? I can live with that.” He put on a smug look, getting more giggles in return. “Do you want to know a secret, Nate?” he asked in a mysterious tone.

“Sure,” he responded, looking, at least temporarily, like a carefree boy.

“Okay, but nobody knows yet… unless your Grams has figured it out.” Kendall held up his left hand. “This isn’t just any old ring here. This is a bona fide engagement ring, and Michael has one just like it. Your uncles are getting married.” He went for a high-five and got one, more powerful than he would have expected, almost wincing at the sting.

“No way. That is so fucking cool! Oh, I can’t believe it. That makes me so happy, you have no idea.”

But he did, though. He could see with his own eyes how much the news had empowered the boy. He braced himself when his nephew went for another high five, laughing along with him.

“I want that too someday. I want to be married just like you guys are going to be.” He was grinning from ear to ear. This was not the same kid who had been standing in the kitchen when they got there. That boy had no hope in his eyes… not like this one did.

“You’ll have it eventually, I’m sure of it. It may be tough for you right now, but we’ll all get you through this… you’re not alone… and someday you look back and it’ll just be a distant memory about growing pains. Do you believe me?”

“Yeah, I think so. No matter what happens, at least now I feel like I have something to look forward to. Maybe it won’t be so bad to be gay, after all.”

“You’re a smart kid, you know that?”

“Damn straight, I am,” Nate bragged cheekily.

“Good choice of words,” Kendall responded with a snicker.

Nate took a few seconds to get it, and then he delivered his biggest laugh of the day.

Kendall felt immense relief. “Okay, young man, eat your breakfast so Grams will be happy.” He felt such relief as he watched Nate attack breakfast like a teenager was supposed to, not caring at all that it was no longer hot.

Eventually he looked up from his plate with his mouth full of food. “Thanks, Unc.”

Kendall grinned back. “You’re welcome, Nephew.”