I Hate This Town - 17. Chapter 17: Advice

The phone call with Finn had been unsettling. What was the blond thinking? Second chance? He was crazy. Alec blinked at the sunlight coming in through the windows, grimacing. Too bright. He hadn’t slept long enough. His brain was far too busy panicking and dragging up every old memory it could. His therapy appointment was later this morning and it couldn’t come soon enough. River was amazing, but he needed someone to talk to that had a degree and his friend had his own problems. Alec hummed softly as he threw back the sheets and slowly convinced himself to get up. He wondered what River’s “Person A" was like. Was he kind? What did he look like? He had to be something special for River to catch feelings. His friend hadn’t seriously dated for years. He’d sworn off committed relationships, in fact.

Alec was excited at the prospect that River had found someone worth changing his mind for. His friend was so great. He deserved someone who loved everything about him and worshipped the ground he walked on. Alec nodded to himself, agreeing with his inner thoughts as he waited for his shower to warm. Then another thought occurred. River had never kept anyone a secret from him before. He’d met a few of his dates or he’d at least been shown a profile picture. This was odd. Was he deformed or something? Was he like 70 and in a wheelchair? No, there was no way his friend would develop feelings for someone like that.

Alec stepped into the shower as he tried to picture the person his friend was keeping from him. His train of thought derailed and his hands dropped by his sides. Was there a reason River didn’t feel comfortable telling him? Had Alec done something? A jolt of panic shot through him and he took deep breaths. That wasn’t it. They trusted each other wholly. Alec tilted his head as he washed his hair in cool water. River possibly didn’t want to worry Alec. He’d been working on his game project and then of course he’d received the news about his mother. Alec frowned. He hoped that wasn’t the case. He wanted to be there for his friend the way River always had been. Alec stopped himself.

Just freaking relax. Good god. The sky isn’t falling, you’re just locked in your head again. River’s okay. He asked for advice and if he needs something else, he’ll ask for it. He’s not you.

Alec finished his shower quickly and toweled himself off. He hadn’t heard from River, so he assumed he’d either come home late or he’d stayed at his mother’s again. Alec smiled to himself. It was nice seeing their relationship. Julie had changed a lot. She wasn’t as desperate for control and River’s attention. River had decided it started when his father left. Something Alec didn’t know until his junior year, after they’d already been friends for quite a while. He’d felt stupid. It had never even occurred to him that River’s dad was never around. Teenage Alec had just assumed he was at work or something. He'd been shocked when his friend had revealed the truth. It didn’t matter. Either way, the distance River had put between himself and his mother had done them good. She was affectionate, but it’d lost the possessive edge.

His phone buzzed on the table and Alec dried his hair with the towel as he tapped at the device. He sighed heavily. There was no reasoning with the large blond. Finn was insistent upon pursuing Alec and he’d been far too honest about it for Alec’s comfort. He shook his head, refusing to look at the message. Finn would have to wait. Alec needed to get ready for the day and if he tacked on other tasks before he answered texts, that was his own business.

A knock sounded on his door while he debated ordering room service. Pancakes with way too much syrup and butter with orange juice and a glass of water would hit the spot. He got up from the bed and opened the door. River waved. He was wearing an oversized, green, paisley shirt that reached his knees, matching forest green sneakers, and leather leggings. His hair was neatly styled and overdirected to one side, showing off the hard part River’s barber added. He wasn’t wearing makeup today and his jewelry was surprisingly minimal. He looked tired, worn out.

“What happened to you?” Alec stepped aside to let his friend in.

“There’s a gay bar in this town. Let me tell you, I never thought I’d be in one with my mother.” River sighed.

“What? No way.” Alec laughed, grabbing his juice.

“She insisted. She wanted me to ‘be comfortable’ which translated to embarrassing me completely. She meant well though.” River smiled softly, playing with a ring on his thumb.

“She loves you.”

“We should send your mother a memo. That’s what they’re supposed to do, friend.”

Alec frowned, “What’re your plans for today?”

“Create chaos? Paint the town black? Summon Satan?” River shrugged, “You know, casual weekday activities.”

Alec nodded and rubbed at his cheek. Without fail, River noticed his unease immediately. It was like watching a predator focus in on its prey. River’s eyes narrowed and he stopped walking. He’d been making his way to the bed to plop onto it, but now he stood with his arms crossed. River raised his eyebrows and waited. He tapped his foot impatiently and Alec groaned. He laid face down on the bed and tried to stall as long as he could.

“I called Finn.” He mumbled into the mattress. Alec could feel River climbing on the bed. Weight settled next to him and he tried to piece together how he wanted to word things.

“So…you’re back together?” River said.

“No. River. It’s a bad idea. You even said that.” Alec frowned, rolling onto his side.

“Well, Alec my sweet, it could be bad. Let’s think about this-“

“Let’s not.” Alec said, sitting up.

“One, don’t interrupt your elders, it’s rude. Two, you’re building yourself up and freaking out for a whole bunch of what ifs. I think there’s more going on here, Alec.” River was frowning at him and Alec hated it. He didn’t even know why. It just scratched at something inside of him.

“There’s nothing else going on.” Alec crossed his arms over his chest, refusing to look at his friend. He knew he was being childish, but it was like he couldn’t stop himself.

“You know, you don’t get better at communicating when you refuse to do so. You’ve been working on that for a long time.” River had a single eyebrow raised. He was upset and Alec needed him to stop. He was poking at a soft spot and it was sending jolts of panic and pain throughout his body.

“River just leave me alone. I can’t do this right now.”

“When are you going to do it then? Seems like now is the perfect time.” River shrugged.

“I don’t want to.” Alec glanced down. His hands were shaking. Why? Why was he suddenly so upset?

“Of course you don’t want to. That’s why you need to. You have a therapy appointment, right? Make sure you tell her what’s actually going on. You’re spiraling and I’m starting to think coming home wasn’t the best idea.”

“I’m fine. I can handle it. I’ve handled worse.” Alec shrugged.

“Yes, but you’re out of your comfort zone. You made a safe little nest for yourself in Washington, but you don’t have that here and this is the…source, I guess, of a lot of your trauma.”

“I’ll talk to the therapist about it.”

“Good. You’ll mention Finn and his advances as well?” River leaned forward, now running his hand up and down Alec’s back.

“No. I’m not staying. I’m going to talk to him about what happened, but after that we’re done.”

“Alec-“

“Listen, I appreciate how much you do for me but I can’t do what you all seem to want. Finn and I need to be done.”

River’s fingers were running through Alec’s bedhead now, “I’m not saying you have to get back with Finn and move in next week. I just want everything good for you. I want you to be happy because I love you like a little brother.”

Alec’s chest was starting to hurt and when he stayed quiet, River continued, “What are you so afraid of? You’re too smart for this. You don’t even have a good reason not to entertain Finn. He’s a good guy and he’s obviously been carrying a torch for you this entire time. Give him a shot. Who knows?”

Alec’s control disintegrated and then he was yelling, “What good would come of it? This isn’t my home. Finn has a life here but I don’t. He deserves better. I can’t move myself into his life and ruin it! I’m still crazy! I can still barely communicate my wants and needs! There’s a reason I’ve never had a long-term partner, River. There’s too much wrong with me! I can’t make it work. No one will want to deal with me the way I am. I don’t deserve someone like that!”

Alec stared at his friend’s shocked face. He didn’t know where all of the words had come from. He hadn’t even acknowledged to himself that he felt like that. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He felt a bit better. It was like he had a pile of weights on his chest and a few had been removed. Alec shook his head, taking a few deep breaths as he tucked his shaking hands between his knees.

“Alec, whether it’s with Finn or not, you’ll find that kind of relationship. It kills me that you don’t think you deserve it. When’s your appointment?” River’s voice was concerned and Alec hated himself for that part too.

Alec checked his phone, “In a couple hours.”

“Do you want me to stay in here for it? Moral support? I can take a nap so I don’t even hear you. I’ll put on my headphones too. Noise cancelling.” River wiggled his fingers and Alec scooted closer on the bed. He tucked his head under River’s chin and curled into his friend.

“I’ll be okay but thank you.” Alec sighed, trying to drag himself back from the edge. He hadn’t acted like this in years and he was starting to think there might be some truth in River’s words. Maybe they did need to leave. This was way harder on him than he’d ever thought it could’ve been.

“Okay. Right now, we’re getting unhealthy food and you can help me formulate a message to Person A.”

Alec shook his head, standing to throw on whatever clothes he grabbed first, “There’s not a reason you’re keeping him a secret is there? I haven’t done something, right?”

“Would you stop? No! You haven’t done anything wrong, he’s just super private.” River shrugged and then rubbed his cheek, “His name’s Ken. He’s a little older than I am.”

“Is he cute?” Alec asked, tying his shoelaces.

River gave him an annoyed expression, “Duh. He’s hot. That’s why I’m in over my head.”

“What’s he do?” Alec asked as he straightened.

“Uh…business?” River grinned lazily and flicked a piece of hair out of his face.

“You don’t know?” Alec laughed and raised an eyebrow, “What did you sell him some high-quality nudes and the man was like, ‘yep, this one’s mine!’ You’re such a dork, Riv.”

At his friend’s silence, Alec glanced over as he opened the hotel door. River was rubbing his jaw now, eyes rolled to the ceiling. Alec groaned, “Oh god. You have sent him pictures? Did he pay for them?”

River laughed, “I mean he paid in a way. He’s taken some too. You know the shoot where I had the crown and jewels?”

“What the hell? I liked that one. I figured you just propped the phone up or something. So he knows you take pictures. That’s good.” Alec nodded and glanced to River as they walked to the elevator.

“I suppose so. It’s a deal breaker for a lot of people.” River looked upset and Alec frowned. Neither seemed to be starting the day on a positive note.

“Alright, so I know his name’s Ken. I know you have feelings for him, but that’s not the agreement you had when you first started meeting. Also, he’s helped with the part time job and is okay with it. So far he sounds okay. What’s on your mind?” Alec asked, linking their fingers and swinging their arms.

“He’s older. He’s more serious. He’s good to me. He’s so motherfreaking hot I can’t stand it. Then, uh ya know, the sex is ridiculous.” River flexed his fingers in Alec’s and sighed heavily.

“These are all good things, so what’s worrying you?”

“He drew a deep line between us. I want more but I don’t think he does and I don’t know much about him. He keeps me farther than arms’ length away.”

The conversation paused as they reached the restaurant in the hotel. They were seated and ordered mimosas and breakfast. Alcohol and sugar, per River’s decree. Once they were settled, Alec stole another glance at River. His normally silly and outgoing friend was quietly playing with his butter knife. He was staring off into space and Alec wondered if coming home had been harmful to River as well. It was rare that things got to him like this. Especially men. River was so casual about dating and his partners that Alec wasn’t sure one had ever gotten under his skin like this.

“Have you called him or texted since we left?” Alec asked finally.

River took a sip of water and sighed, “I’ve been answering his messages, but in a very monosyllabic way. He’s already called me out on it and I feel like a petty teenage girl.”

“That’s unlike you.” Alec said.

“I know! I’m so much better than this. You’re rubbing off on me.” River laughed and Alec smiled weakly, “Hey, I didn’t mean anything by that.”

“I know River. Listen, if you like the guy and he’s trying to get ahold of you and calling you out for not answering normally, maybe you just need to tell him.” Alec smiled.

“I wanted to do it in person, but I’ve no idea how long you need me here. You’re probably right. I should call him.”

Alec was shocked. Had he…helped someone? Given good advice? He couldn’t believe it. Maybe today was looking up. At least the smile was back on River’s face. Alec decided to give himself sole credit for that and ignore the two empty mimosa glasses that River had downed without him noticing.

“Well, if I’m going to slay my dragon, I think you need to as well. C’mon we’ll make these jumps together. That way if we fall, I still have your sorry ass and you have mine. We’ll have a buddy to sit on the couch with and cry into a half gallon of ice cream.” River laughed and smiled.

Alec took a deep breath, “Can I think about it? I’ll talk with my therapist about all of it.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

Alec was flat on his back on the bed. He was tired. That was usual for him after a therapy session. As hard as they were, they helped. He let his eyes slipped closed as he thought over everything that’d been discussed. He had a headache simmering in the back of his head and he’d already closed the curtains and turned off all the lights. He wondered if River had already spoken to Ken. He wanted to text or go down to his room, but he didn’t want to get up. In addition to everything else, his father had called during his appointment and left a lengthy voicemail. He’d have to call back, but he wasn’t in the mood. There wasn’t much he was in the mood for.

He'd poured everything out of himself during the phone call with his therapist. More weight had been lifted from his chest, but there was still so much pushing down on him. The worst part is that it was all self-inflicted. He put it on himself when he tried to run every possible scenario through his head to figure out what other people would do or how things would turn out. It was brutal on his anxiety because there was no way to perfectly plan for every outcome. Alec was a planner and while it helped him in many areas, it hurt him in others. He sighed and pulled himself from his thoughts. They’d been working on this. He needed to live in the real world. He kept himself sealed in his head too often. He needed to start acting and he needed to tie up loose ends.

He rolled onto his side and took a deep breath as he pushed the buttons to dial his phone. It rang for three rings and his finger hovered over the button to end the call, when the line connected, “Hello!”

He blinked. It was a child. A little girl. Either Finn had switched genders and ages, or this was the little girl in the picture on his social media. Alec rubbed at his eyes. Great, what was he going to do now?

“Hello?” The voice asked again, more impatient this time.

“Uh, hello. Is Finn there?”

“Maybeee. Who’s this?” Alec couldn’t help the small smile that pulled at his lips.

“My name’s Alec, what’s yours?”

“I’m not supposed to tell strangers. You shouldn’t either.”

“You’re right. That’s very smart of you.” Alec smiled more, resting his chin on his hand. Alec heard muffled voices and he chuckled softly at the girl’s protests in the background.

“Alec? The hell you doing jailbait? You have my baby brother’s phone number again? Shit, if you’re getting back together, mama will cry. Hell, I’ll cry.” Milo laughed.

Alec chuckled softly, “Hi Milo. Who was that?”

“Oh, Gracie! She’s a little terror, isn’t she? But really, what’re you doing? Come over. Nina’s making cookies.”

“I don’t know if that’s a great idea Milo. I don’t want to make Finn uncomfortable.”

“He’s busy anyway. He’s studying.” Milo said, steamrolling over Alec’s half of the conversation like he usually did.

“Studying?” Alec rolled onto his back and frowned.

“Yes, my baby brother’s going to be a physical therapist. Seems like he’s been working on it forever. Physiotherapy or something. He’s so smart.” Milo chuckled then snorted, “Dumbass. Anyway, when you coming over jailbait? I’ll text you the address.”

“Oh, no Milo, I’m not-

“See you soon!”

This family was impossible and Alec’s headache was now fully realized.