Gap Year - 38. Chapter 38

February 23, 2004

Escorial

Palo Alto, CA

 

Will

I sat on my bed with the papers from the accordion file spread out in front of me. I knew there were some trusts that I’d have access to when I was 18, some I’d get access to when I was 25, and one that I wouldn’t be able to touch until I was 50. I rolled my eyes when I realized that my father had said he’d signed over the ‘easiest’ ones, when in fact he’d signed over the ones I’d get when I turned 18. He hadn’t messed with the ones I wouldn’t get until later. I sighed. It was so very typical of him that even when he was trying to cede control of something, he couldn’t quite pull it completely off. His big sacrifice merely moved the date forward by seven months. I collected the papers and put them back into the folder in the same order I’d gotten them out, tossed the folder on my desk, then went into the bathroom to take a shower.

I let the water flow over me, soothing my mind as I ruminated over his note. In the end, I concluded that just because I’d figured out how truly insignificant the transfer of those trusts was didn’t mean I didn’t appreciate what he was trying to do, and I was resolved not to let it foul my reaction to his grand gesture. I got out of the shower and spent some time on my hair since Tony was coming up later, then put on jeans and a T-shirt. I could have worn what I was going to wear for dinner, but since I’d have to take these off when Tony got here, why not be comfortable. That made me laugh.

I walked back into my room, resolved to go up and try to sincerely thank my father, when I picked up and reread the note. Instead of reading it like I had the first time, looking at it from my perspective, this time I read it from his viewpoint. As I did, I realized I was being a petty little bitch. He’d clearly acknowledged the control issues that caused us problems and he’d tried to handle it in the best way he could: by removing the main tool from his power armory. Regardless of which trusts he’d let me access, he’d made sure that money wouldn’t be an issue he could use to beat me up with. Besides, if I really needed to spend more than $150 million, I’d talk to him or Stef about it first anyway. There was no reason for me to see this as anything but a sincere effort on his part. Coming from him, with all of his weird and stunted emotional issues, it was a huge step in trying to eliminate future friction in our relationship. As I had so many times in the past, I shook my head in annoyance that it took a major drama scene to make him see the issues at hand, but that was just how he was. It took a sledgehammer to get through to him; a chisel just didn’t work.

I was going to track him down but hunger overwhelmed me so I took a notepad and Mike’s package of information and went up to the kitchen. “Hola Carmen!” I said and gave her a nice hug.

“I guess you want food?” she asked.

“Well yeah,” I said, getting a smile from her.

“I think that is the only reason you come into the kitchen,” she grumbled, pretending to be annoyed.

“I come into the kitchen for the food and the drama,” I joked, making her chuckle. While she went to work making something for my perpetually starved body, I sat down and made a list of all the things I’d have to do to back up or disprove Mike’s assertions.

Addressing the posh headquarters in the financial district was something that needed no ‘proof’ and was worth a discussion in and of itself. The percentage payout was easy enough to prove just by pulling up the past annual reports. I’d probably have to work a little harder to find out how much of that money went to established charities vs. our own initiatives, but that would probably dovetail with the next item, which was figuring out how many proposals they actually got, how many and which ones were approved, and what criteria they used for making that call. I’d have to talk to Stef and Grand about that. But the biggest dilemma was how to determine whether there was a morale problem, because in my mind, that was probably the biggest deal of all. If people were afraid to speak up, and there was a culture of fear, that was a problem that couldn’t be overcome with board resolutions. I’d overheard enough conversations with Stef and Dad about management to know that was toxic. It was also a specific problem that damned Craig Arundel as a bad manager.

It seemed like the only way to figure that out was to talk to the people that worked there, but that was pretty tough. As Grand had said, it’s not like I could breeze in and start interviewing people, and even if I did, they wouldn’t tell me shit. I’d end up pissing everyone off and just creating more problems. Any investigation that was obvious would really make Arundel mad, and my first Board meeting would probably end up being my last. I finished eating and took my list back to my room, frustrated that I’d hit a wall on this last topic of employee morale.

I’d gotten to my room and paused to pick out my clothes for dinner tonight. Just as I was going to go play some video games, there was a knock on my door: I opened it to find Jake smiling at me. “Hey!” I said and welcomed him in with a big hug.

“Hi,” he said, hugging me back. I led him over to my “sitting area” and got us both a coke to drink. “I thought I’d check in and see if you got your father’s peace offering.”

“I got it,” I said, chuckling. “It was a really nice thing for him to do.”

“I was hoping you’d take it that way,” he said nervously.

“At first, I wasn’t all that impressed, since all he did was move the date I’d get the money up by seven months,” I said. “But when I was done being a spoiled little bitch I realized that he was doing more than that, that he was trying to make our relationship better by removing what control he had left over me.”

He laughed. “You’re reading things exactly right.”

“You came by here to make sure that I made the transition to the second part,” I accused, referring to my epiphany.

“Sometimes it’s better to make sure of these things,” he said. “I’m trying to do better with communication.”

We both laughed at that, and while we were laughing, I got an inspiration. “I want to show you something.”

“Alright,” he said.

“You remember how I told you at the party that Mike was saying there was all kinds of shit wrong with the Foundation?” He nodded. “Here’s the stuff he gave me.”

I handed him the envelope I’d made for my father and got up to finish my wardrobe choice for tonight, thus giving him time to read through it. By the time I got back he was flipping through the papers, evidently deep in thought. “Interesting stuff.”

“It is,” I said. “I gave it to Grand and he told me this was all fine and good, but it was worthless without proof.”

“That sounds like just what he’d say,” Jake said, chuckling.

“It does, but he’s right,” I said. “I can hardly go into a Board meeting and accuse the dude who runs the Foundation of all kinds of shit without even having something to back it up.”

“Not as long as you want to stay on the Board,” he said, drawing the same conclusion I’d made. “So how are you going to handle it?”

“I’ve got a plan for most of it,” I said, and went through the list on my notepad. I told him about my ride with Grand and about the motion we were going to write up. Then I told him about the brick wall I’d hit with the morale problem.

He looked at the papers and thought about it. “You want me to help you with this?”

“Yeah,” I said automatically, then thought about it. “How are you going to do that?”

“I can help you write an email requesting information for the past projects, one that sounds very lawyerly,” he said, making me laugh.

“That might be a little too confrontational, but if you write it, I can tone it down,” I said. The last thing I needed to do was make Arundel think I was lawyered up.

“I can do that,” he said. “I think I can do more for the morale thing,” he said. “I need to do an investigation.”

“How do you do that?” I asked.

He frowned at me. “I know how to do those. That’s what I’m good at.”

“Dude, I’m not questioning your ability, I’m just curious,” I said, rolling my eyes at him. “Don’t be so sensitive.”

“I’ll probably have to find out if the analysts hang out somewhere after work,” he said. “I’ll figure out who they are and find a way to insinuate myself into their group. Then I’ll listen.”

“You think they’ll talk with you there?” I asked skeptically.

“After they get to know me,” he said. “This is where being hot comes in handy.” I really laughed at that, even though it made sense. People wanted to hang out with attractive people, even if they didn’t want to fuck them.

“You think it’s safe for you to do that?” I asked. “I mean, you’re married to one of the Board members. Isn’t you doing it almost as bad as me doing it?”

He thought about what I said, which I appreciated. It pissed me off when people decided that because I was young, I didn’t have anything useful to say. “That may be an issue. Let me think about it. If it is, I’ll find someone else to do it.”

“That’s awesome!” I said. “Thank you so much. To me, that’s the biggest deal here. If this guy is making the employees so afraid they shit in their pants when he’s around, there’s no hope we can rely on him to fix things.”

“If things need fixing,” he said, reminding me not to jump to conclusions.

“I’ve established a hypothesis, and now I’m trying to prove or disprove it,” I said loftily as if I were Grand. “I have no pre-conceived opinions.”

“Right,” he said skeptically.

“So how are you and Dad doing?” I asked, changing the subject.

“I was such an idiot,” he said.

“We already knew that,” I said, giving him shit.

“I didn’t realize how much he loves me,” he said. “And I’m still in this mode where I’m not thinking of myself as part of a couple. To be honest, sometimes it feels kind of confining, like I’m trapped.”

“Are you into bondage now?” I asked playfully, just to keep this less painful.

“It can be fun,” he said, winking at me. His sexiness was so effective it was annoying at times. “In this situation, I feel trapped but I’m not, and when I stop to think about it, I’m just where I want to be.”

“You just needed to stop and smell the roses,” I said, making us both laugh. “My read on things is that you both have a lot of baggage you bring into this relationship.”

He looked like he was going to object to that, but I stared at him until he agreed. “Probably.”

“I think that as long as you don’t threaten the core relationship, as long as you agree to work things out together, you’ll be alright,” I said. I had no idea where I got that idea, and why I thought I could be a shrink in this case, but whatever.

“Otherwise, I pull the rug out from under him,” Jake mused.

“I’ll bet you’d react the same way if he did it to you,” I noted, just so he remembered that my father wasn’t going to be lonely if this relationship didn’t work out.

“Maybe even worse,” he said.

“When I was younger, my dad was a lot more stable, and really had his shit together,” I said.

“What changed that?” Jake asked.

“Robbie,” I answered. “He can face pretty much any obstacle, fight any battle, as long as he has someone there as his rock.”

“I thought Robbie was his rock,” Jake said, although it was more of a question.

“Some of the time, he was. I remember when my dad first started coming unglued,” I said. “It was in 1999 and Robbie told him he wanted to open their relationship up because he had a hard-on for some twink at work.”

“I’ll bet that didn’t go over well,” he said.

“You have no idea,” I said, thinking back to the nightmare with Carson. “Robbie showed Dad that he wasn’t that rock, and Dad could never really rely on him like he had before. After that, he wasn’t as cool and deliberate as he used to be.”

“I guess I can see that,” he said.

“As long as your eyes have been open, you have,” I said, and not in the nicest way. “Think about how he was before and right after you got married, and then think about how he was after you told him you were going back into the army.”

He paused to ponder my words. “You’re right. There was a pretty big transformation. I guess I didn’t see it because it was gradual.”

“Or because you were focused on your own issues, and what you wanted to do,” I said, accusing him of being self-absorbed.

“Alright, maybe that’s true,” he said, getting a little fired up. “But that’s not what I signed up for. I didn’t sign up to sit around and play the happy homemaker waiting for my man to come home so I could serve him a home-cooked meal and fuck him.”

“Dude, there are worse things,” I said, laughing at the way he put it. He chuckled with me. “There’s a difference between you doing a job and you leaving for long periods of time on dangerous missions.”

“I’ve always been drawn to danger and adventure,” he said.

“Why?” I asked.

“It’s just part of me,” he said. “Part of my personality.”

“Look, you know yourself better than I do, but if I was forced to guess, I’d say that was part of who you are because it’s the way you escape, and distance yourself from people,” I said.

“Regardless…” he started to say.

“You told him you were leaving him,” I interjected. He said nothing. “I really think that he’s put Robbie in the past, but the shit he dealt with in their relationship is still going to haunt him.”

“And that’s my problem?” he asked, being bitchy. I wrote that off to him being defensive because I was right.

“And you don’t have any shit in your past that makes you a freakazoid?” I challenged.

“I guess that’s what this was for me,” he said thoughtfully. “Getting rid of that dishonorable discharge was a way to eliminate some of my baggage.”

“I can see that,” I said, and I could. “I guess in a relationship, it’s one of those things where you have to decide if the cost to him is more than the benefit to you.”

“Do you do that in your relationships?” he demanded, because he was cornered.

“I try to,” I said, refusing to let him bait me. “I did that with Zach. I had to really fight for the things that were important to me, and blow off the things that weren’t as big of a deal.”

“That’s a little different,” he said.

“Really?” I challenged. “Having to always play second to his career, to football? Having to help him stay in the closet even though I can see how much it bothers him? Doing whatever I could to help him with his career that would ultimately rip us apart? I think I did that.” I’d gotten a little fired up by the end of that, so I took a swig of coke to calm down.

“I guess you did do that,” he said.

“You’re his rock. As long as you give him that stability, that love and support he needs from a partner, he will do anything he can for you,” I said.

“So I’m a kept man,” he grumbled.

“No dipshit,” I said in a pretty rude way. “I meant support you as in help you with things you want to do, or opportunities you want to pursue.”

“I guess,” he agreed reluctantly.

“Dude, don’t you have any dreams?” I asked. “Isn’t there something you’d like to do?”

“I had dreams, but those are all gone,” he said. “I guess they weren’t really dreams, they were just me trying to find a niche to thrive in.”

“With your law practice?” I asked. He nodded. “So now you’re in a situation where you don’t have to worry about money or anything like that. You need something to focus on. Something that doesn’t involve you vanishing into Central American jungles for a year or four.”

“I haven’t figured that out yet,” he said, and seemed confused.

“I really think that’s the key to you being happy with Dad, more than anything,” I said. “You gave up a lot of yourself when you got married. You have to find that again.”

“Lots to think about,” he said. We sat there for a few minutes in silence, drinking our sodas and just spacing out. He stood up, prompting me to do the same thing. “Thanks for all that you said. I’ll ponder it.”

I initiated a hug, one that he returned so strongly it almost felt like he was a drowning man clinging to me. “Dude, I am here for you. You are my friend.”

He ended the hug. “Thanks,” he said, and looked a little teary eyed.

He tried to hand me the packet of info on the foundation but I stopped him. “That’s Dad’s copy. Just give it to him for me.”

“I can do that,” he said, and strolled out of my room, with me admiring his handsome form.

I decided to work out instead of playing video games, so by the time I wore out my legs in the gym and got back to my room, it was 5:40. I took a nice shower, making sure to do some extra personal grooming, left my door slightly ajar, and jumped into bed. I heard heavy footsteps in the hall, followed by a tentative knock that pushed the door open a bit. “Hey,” Tony said.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” I said, and kicked off the blankets, turning over onto my stomach as I did. I heard the door close, the lock click, and the next thing I felt was his mouth on my ass. It took almost no time for him to rip his clothes off, and then he took me on an amazing ride, showing me what a great top he was.

“Been looking forward to that all day,” he said as he lay next to me on my bed.

“Me too,” I said. “You are fucking amazing in bed.”

“Lots of practice,” he said casually, cracking me up. I leaned over onto my side and ran my hand up and down his torso, feeling his muscular body beneath his smooth skin. He’d bulked up since we’d first started hooking up. “What?” he asked, wondering why I was doing that.

“I’m just thinking of what a man you’ve become,” I said. “You’ve gotten bigger and studlier.” That got me a kiss.

“I could say the same thing about you,” he said.

“Yeah, but I’m moving from a teenager into a college dude, and you were a college dude who turned into a man,” I said in the soft voice I used when I talked to him during sex.

“You want me to fuck you again now, or you want to wait until after dinner?” he asked, all but calling me a tease. I chuckled.

“Don’t think we have time until after dinner,” I said.

“You sure,” he said, and reached down to grab my dick. I giggled and slapped his hand away.

“How are things with Mason?” I asked, changing the subject and being a buzz-kill. Mason was his boyfriend back home in Missouri, but they’d broken up last I heard. I felt the sexual tension between us vanish, to be replaced by a scowl.

“I told you we broke up,” he snapped.

“Dude, chill,” I ordered. “I just wanted to make sure you were single and available.”

“Isn’t it my call on that, on whether even if we were together if I fucked around?” he asked.

“No,” I said. “Especially since Mason’s my friend too.” He gave me a dirty look. “I fucked him first.”

That actually made him laugh, and I laughed with him. “I see your point.” I just waited for him to go on. “We talk. I invited him to come out here for Spring Break and he made plane reservations already.”

“Awesome!” I said. “So what are your plans while he’s out here?”

He shrugged. “Haven’t figured that out yet.”

“I have,” I said. “You guys can stay here, then you can take him to Santa Cruz, and you can even spend a few days at the condo up in the City.”

“I can’t impose on you like that,” he said.

“I’ll make you a deal,” I said. He just looked at me. “From now until spring break, you’re at my beck and call to satisfy me. In exchange, you have free run of our various places to stay.”

“So I’m your whore?” he asked, but playfully.

“You don’t want the job?” I taunted.

“I’d do that for free anytime,” he said, then he kissed me. We were both getting fired up, and just when I was about to get him to fuck me again, I looked at the clock. “Shit. Gotta get ready.”

“We do,” I said, and we both jumped out of bed and put our clothes on. “We’ll meet back here after we eat.”

“We will,” he said, and gave me a nice kiss. “I’m so glad we’re good again.”

“So am I,” I said sincerely. I grabbed the packets of info on the Foundation I’d made for Claire and Grandmaman, then we left my room and started walking up to the dining room when I continued our conversation. “You gonna let Mason fuck you?”

That got me a scowl. “I’m thinking about it.”

“You’re one of the best tops I’ve been with,” I told him. “You know how it works.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean I can relax enough to take it,” he said.

“You have to practice before he gets here,” I said.

“Dude, there is no way I can let anyone but Mason fuck me first,” he said.

I laughed at him. “You are so in love with him.”

“Whatever.”

“You don’t have to let someone else fuck you. You practice with toys,” I said. “Don’t you have any?”

“I never needed them,” he said.

“That’s how you get ready,” I said. “I’ll show you after dinner.” He looked really nervous about that which made me laugh just as we walked into the foyer. I was surprised to find John waiting for me.

“Hey Tony,” John said, and shook his hand, then he turned to me and gave me a monster hug, which surprised me so much it took me a few seconds to respond. “Thank you so much.”

“For what?”

“My parents said I can join the band,” he said, grinning from ear to ear.

“That is kick ass!” I said, and high-fived him.

“Dave will be here tomorrow and so will Mike and Bongo,” he said in a slightly suggestive way.

“Then I’ll definitely stick around,” I said with a smile. “What changed their minds?”

He shrugged. “They told me that they thought about it, and they decided it was important that I follow my dreams.” He then broke into his hilarious imitation of Claire. “We are concerned about the environment you will find yourself in, and the temptations, especially in the form of sex and drugs, that you will face, but we have confidence in your judgment.” Tony laughed his ass off because he’d never heard John mimic his mother.

“That’s pretty cool of them,” I said. “Just took them some time to figure things out.”

“I had conversations with your grandfather and your cousin, and they gave me clarity on this issue,” John said in his mother’s voice. God, he was funny.

“Glad I could help,” I said, and put my arm around him in a supportive way. The three of us walked into the dining room to find everyone there except Marie and Ryan, which made me chuckle internally.

“Good evening,” Grand said in a friendly way. He was clearly in a good mood, in fact it seemed like everyone was in a good mood.

“Good evening,” I said. I greeted Aunt Claire and Grandmaman and handed them Mike’s packet of information. “Some things for you to look at later on.”

“Is this about the Foundation?” Grandmaman asked.

“It is,” I said. “I got this from a friend, but so far it’s just an allegation. I’m working to find out if he’s right or not, and I’ll let you know.”

“JP was just telling us about it,” she said, and patted my cheek. “I’ll look forward to hearing your conclusions.

Marie and Ryan chose that moment to walk into the room, both of them looking a bit flushed. John and I snickered at them, getting a truly evil look from Marie in return.

I moved away from Grandmaman and walked over toward my father, who was eying me nervously. I smiled to reassure him, and could see how adrift he still was. He’d been unsure Jake was there for him, and now he was unsure whether he’d lost my support too. I stood next to him but behind his chair, waiting for him to get up. He finally got a clue and stood, and I pulled him into a hug, one of those embraces that was particularly meaningful. “I got your note and the packet,” I said as I held him tight. “Thanks for trying to make things better between us.” I had expected him to let go, but he didn’t. Instead he clung to me so tightly it almost hurt, and I could feel dampness on my shoulder as the material from my shirt sopped up his tears. “We’re good, Dad,” I said in a reassuring way, which was also my prompt for him not to drag this on in front of everyone and delay dinner.

“We’re good,” he repeated, then ended our hug. As we separated, he paused to wipe his eyes, and I watched, impressed as his shields went back up and he turned to face the others.

“And how have you been?” Stef asked Tony in his flirtatious way.

Tony gave Stef a big hug and a more-than-friendly kiss. “Doing well,” he quipped in his short, Midwestern way, cracking me up.

“I am glad you are here,” Stef said, leering at him.

“So am I,” he said, winking at Stef, then got more serious. “I wonder if I could make a toast?”

None of us was expecting that, but while we were all sitting there stymied, Grandmaman, with her usual grace and charm, answered his question. “Of course, Tony. You have the floor.”

He remained standing while the rest of us sat down, and lifted up his glass. “A couple of years ago, I stood up in this very dining room and admitted to you all that I was gay. That was the first time I’d done that out loud to someone who wasn’t Will. Despite all that I’d done before, that night was like the first day of my life. I just wanted to thank you all for that, and thank you for all the support you’ve given me.” My mind went back to that night, and how nervous he’d been. He was right, it had been a long road, and one that had been pretty bumpy, but here he was, almost a graduate, and confident in who he was. The one emotion I felt was pride in him.

“Hear hear,” Grand said, and we all toasted with Tony.