Gap Year - 36. Chapter 36

February 22, 2004

Escorial

Palo Alto, CA

Will

I stood in front of the mirror, carefully tying my tie. I looked at the finished product, swore a few times, then pulled it apart and started again. I was pretty good at tying a regular tie, but bow ties were way tougher. Marie, John, Ryan, and I had talked about dinner tonight because John was damn near in a panic about there being a total shit show. Having to take the brunt of that himself, all alone, was probably more than his psyche could handle, so we’d decided to all dress up to show solidarity with each other.

I was wearing my most formal outfit, white tie, similar to what I’d worn at Alex and Mary Ellen’s wedding. That meant a black tuxedo with tails, a white waistcoat, shirt, and bowtie. I messed around with the other accessories until I decided I was ready, and just as I was about to go out into the hall to find the others, they showed up at my door. John and Ryan were both dressed like I was, and they both looked amazing, but Marie was really the showstopper. She wore a sleek black dress that was svelte and form fitting, only it wasn’t made of cloth or something like that, but with little pieces of metal that moved and shimmered when she did. Her elbow length gloves and Jimmy Choo shoes, along with a Louis Vuitton handbag made her look stunning. “Dude, you look amazing,” I said, taking her hands in mine.

“Why thank you,” she said coquettishly, and curtsied, making us all chuckle.

“They are going to eat me alive,” John said nervously. I once again contrasted our personalities. If I was walking into the fire like he was, I would steel my nervousness with anger and a sense of righteousness, while he was already at the point of surrendering. I playfully thought that maybe he should join the French army too.

“Dude, you will be just fine,” I said. “We have your back.”

“Absolutely,” Marie said. She put her arm through his and walked toward the dining room, with Ryan and I behind her. The clock started gonging out its seven rings and so good was our timing that they ended just as we entered. I took a moment to be amused by the shocked expressions on the faces of those seated in the dining room, surprised by our attire. Grand sat at his chair at the end of the table, with Stefan to his right and two empty spaces next to him. Next to those spaces sat Jack and Claire, with Grandmaman at the other end of the table. Frank sat to her right, followed by my father and Jake, with two more empty spaces between Jake and Grand. Dad and Jake usually sat close to Grand and Stef, but presumably they sat at the other end to chat with Jack and Claire. I sat next to Stef, with Marie next to me, while John sat next to Grand with Ryan next to him.

“I did not realize tonight was such a formal event,” Grand said, trying to be jovial. His eye twitched slightly, betraying the nervousness that he was hiding. If he was nervous, this could be a pretty rough and tumble dinner. I briefly wondered what all was in store for us.

His words were overshadowed by Stef’s enthusiasm as he stood up and made Marie rise. “This is fabulous! DelaRenta?”

‘Valentino,” Marie responded. “I got this for prom.”

“Yet you decided to wear it tonight,” Claire said icily.

“I did,” Marie said, with just a hint of sass in her tone. She was used to verbally fencing with her mother, so she wasn’t nervous at all.

“Well it is truly stunning, as are you,” Stef said, beaming at her in appreciation of how good she looked.

“And are you all going out afterward?” Grandmaman asked.

“No,” I said. “We’re a team, so we decided to wear our team uniforms.” It was a joke, but also a threat, one that everyone seemed to get.

“Well, it is wonderful that the four of you are so devoted to each other,” Grandmaman said smoothly.

“It’s good to see you here,” Jack said to John, “although I am surprised you didn’t come home on Saturday night as I requested.”

“As I recall,” John began politely, then got a nastier as he continued, “it wasn’t a request, it was an order. I am not a dog who blindly obeys your commands.”

“It is even more disturbing that you did not return when we subsequently heard rumors that there was significant drug use going on in Santa Cruz,” Claire said in her smooth but icy tone. She sounded almost like Grand when he was angry and was almost as scary, but fear wasn’t what coursed through my veins, it was anger, sheer rage. The only way she would have known we were doing drugs was if Jake or my father had told her. I glared at both of them and got the answer I expected. Jake looked concerned, while my father looked away, the guilt all but written all over his face. No wonder Grand had been nervous. He must have heard this, and he knew how badly this would piss me off. I felt Stef’s hand on my leg, gently helping to stabilize my runaway emotions.

“There was a major drug problem in Santa Cruz, but after I sent the drug dealer Dad had picked up and fucked packing, along with the meth he’d brought with him, we pretty much solved that problem,” I said, glaring at my father, who refused to make eye contact with me. “As long as he can kick his addiction from his Tina binge, we should be fine.” I was speaking through gritted teeth by the time I was done, and there was no way I could continue to control my anger. “Please excuse me,” I said. I stood up smoothly, folded my napkin on my seat, pushed my chair back in, and strode out of the dining room, into the foyer, and out into the entry where I paced under the portico.

What an asshole my father was. After all of the shit he put me through, and all that I’d done to help him out, he’d come back here and gone to Jack and Claire and told them that I’d done ecstasy. It’s not like I really cared that they knew, because I didn’t think any of them had the right to even voice an opinion on my recreational activities, but what made me furious was that I felt he’d betrayed my trust. I snorted in disgust, rolling my eyes at the thought that there was any trust left between us at all anyway. No, the real reason I was furious was that by doing that, by telling them, he’d given Jack and Claire a huge weapon to toss at John. They just assumed that if I was rolling, he was rolling too. The fact that they were right made it that much worse. The door opened and I was hoping it was my father so I could beat the shit out of him; I was mad enough to do it. Instead, I saw Jake cautiously emerging from the house. “Hey,” he said. I nodded at him, and kept pacing back and forth, trying to work off my anger. Jake had done nothing to deserve any kind of fury from me, at least that I knew of, and I was determined not to vent my emotions on him, priding myself on doing better than my father in that regard. Finally I got myself under control enough to respond.

“Hey,” I said. That seemed to be our cue to sit next to each other on one of the balustrades lining the portico.

“I’m sorry about that,” he said lamely.

“Did you tell Jack and Claire that I was rolling?” I demanded.

“No,” he said. With his tone, it was the equivalent response of my ‘duh’.

“Then you don’t owe me an apology,” I said.

“I just feel bad that this happened to you,” he said, and put his hand on my shoulder. “You were truly amazing this weekend. I couldn’t help admiring you, and how you were the most mature and level-headed of anyone there.”

“Thanks,” I said, stunned by his praise.

The door opened and my father came out. I was about to go postal on him when Jake intervened. “Brad, please leave us alone.”

Dad was stunned for a bit. “OK,” he said, and went back inside.

“That was well done,” I said, shoulder bumping him.

“I do owe you an apology,” he said.

“What for?”

“For not taking your phone calls, and for blowing you off,” he said, acknowledging what I’d accused him of when I’d shot that emergency phone call at him.

“It’s not a big deal,” I said, because that seemed like such a non-event now.

“It is a big deal,” he said. “I really value our relationship, and I want that to survive no matter what happens between your father and I.”

“You do?” I asked, stunned.

“I do,” he said, and put his arm around me. “After your father, you’re probably my best friend.”

I looked at him, stunned by that, only now realizing how much the life he’d led had fucked him up. He had truly been a lone wolf until he’d hooked up with my father. “I love you too,” I said, making a bunch or interpolations with his statement, then I hugged him. “You know, me ranting at you about not going back into the army wasn’t just about you and my father.”

“No?” he asked.

“I need you to be around too,” I said. “When I was in Australia and dealing with Connie, you’re the one I called. You never judge me, you just tell me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear.” A tear actually fell out of his eye, and he gave me another hug, an even tighter one.

He pulled away from me and looked me in the eyes. “I’ve got a deal for you.”

“Alright,” I said skeptically.

“If you’ll forgive your father for being an absolute asshole for this past couple of weeks, I’ll stay,” he said.

“You mean you’ll keep your dishonorable discharge?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I’ve been thinking about it, and I decided that based on the circumstances, that’s really not a sign of disgrace, it’s a badge of honor,” he said. “I was one of the victims of a bigoted policy, so I’ll take that shame.”

“Dude, that’s awesome!” I said, smiling at him.

“Let’s go back before dinner gets cold, and before Jack and Claire kill John,” he said, causing us both to stand up.

“Thanks for talking to me, and being a friend,” I said. We hugged again.

“In as much as my stunted psychological mess of a brain will let me love someone I’m not fucking, I love you,” he said to me in a meaningful way.

“Dude, we can solve that other problem any time you want,” I joked, even though there is no way I’d sleep with him.

“Right,” he said, shaking his head.

We walked back into the dining room smiling and took our seats. Everyone stared at us, more shocked than they’d been when we’d all made our formal entrance: they’d expected me to completely lose it, and they were surprised that I was in a good mood. Everyone was nervously eating; it was as if time stopped while we were gone, as if there was no way they’d risk another potential explosion on top of what could have been, especially a few years ago, a major meltdown. “I’m sorry about that,” I said to Grand. My father was completely discombobulated by all of this.

“It is not a problem,” Stef said, and patted me on the leg.

One of the staff members brought my entrée, so I paused to thank him and then started eating, but there was to be no period of calm after that recent drama. “I talked to Dave, and he wants to talk to Bongo about being the drummer in our band,” John said. Dave was the guy trying to put their band together. “You got his number?”

“I do,” I said. I pulled out my phone and took a few seconds to text it to him. “There you go.”

“And which band is this?” Claire asked icily.

“The band Ryan and I are joining,” John said boldly. I glanced sideways at Marie, who was smiling at him in an encouraging way.

“That’s fantastic,” Marie said. “He seemed like a nice guy, and his girlfriend was fun to hang with.”

“I’m sure it’s great,” Jack said, “but we talked about this. There’s no way I’m letting you go off at sixteen and join a band. You’ve already had several maturity issues as it is.”

“Maturity issues?” Marie challenged.

“Marie, this does not involve you,” Claire asserted. Whenever Marie was involved in a conflict with her parents, it tended to be with Claire, not Jack.

“It very much involves me,” she said. “In case you hadn’t noticed by the way we eclipsed you in style tonight, we’re a team.”

“I dressed for the occasion,” Claire said. I couldn’t help grinning a bit, since of course she’d defend her fashion choices first and foremost.

“Dave wants to talk to Mike too,” John said, completely ignoring his parents. “I didn’t know he played keyboards.”

“He does?” I asked, surprised.

“Dude, you spent half the night making out with him,” Marie said. “You didn’t find out he started playing piano when he was a kid?”

“We talked about other things,” I said in a sultry way. It was hilarious how John had neatly maneuvered Jack and Claire completely out of the conversation.

“And who is this young man?” Stef asked.

“This guy I hooked up with at the party,” I said. “We mostly talked about the Foundation. I’ve got some papers to show you later.”

“That is decidedly less interesting than I was hoping,” he said.

“There are only a few of us here that would sleep with a dude without trying to find out a little bit about him first,” I said, even as I stared at my father with my eyes acting as lasers.

“I can think of circumstances where that is not a requirement,” Stef said airily, making me chuckle.

“Certainly not for you,” Grandmaman said to Stef. “JP, I think you have done that a few times as well.”

“I do not see why, as I sit here merely as an observer, you must raise the issue of my sex life,” Grand said in annoyance, which made everyone but Claire and Jack laugh.

“Someone is especially sensitive tonight,” I said to Stef, getting a withering look from Grand in return.

“Indeed,” Stef agreed.

“When are we going to figure out what our name is?” John asked Ryan.

“Dave said when we all get together, he’ll toss out some ideas and we’ll brainstorm,” Ryan said.

“You are not joining a real band until you are at least eighteen,” Jack stated firmly.

“Didn’t you ever have a dream?” Marie asked her father.

“I had objectives, goals I worked hard to achieve,” Jack answered. It sounded weird to hear him talking like that, since he usually wasn’t so stiff and formal.

“Did your mother approve those objectives and tell you what to do, just like she still does?” John asked in the snarkiest way. It was possible to detect even Claire hiding a grin at that slam. Mrs. Hobart, Jack’s mother, was a formidable woman, and he generally avoided conflict with her.

“Cute,” Jack said. “But it makes no difference.”

“Yes it does,” John said with a defiance which we rarely saw. “This is the most important thing to me, something I’ve wanted to do since as long as I remember. I have worked really hard at it, worked hard to be better on guitar, worked hard to improve my voice, and worked hard to learn more about music. I’ve even started writing some songs.”

“You have?” I asked, surprised.

“Yeah,” he said. “I’m not very good, but I’m trying.”

“Dude, I think you have a lot of promise,” Ryan said supportively.

“That still ignores the fact that at sixteen you would be traveling around performing in probably awful places, surrounded by all kinds of bad influences,” Claire said. “Quite frankly, the way you’ve handled your schoolwork, your social life, and your recreational drug use, you’ve shown us that you aren’t mature or responsible enough to cope with such an environment.”

“She means the way you party all the time and get laid constantly,” I said to John, just to annoy my aunt.

“Shit, my uncle is doing crystal meth and you tell me I have a problem?” John asked. My father was mortified by that, and I might have felt sorry for him if I weren’t so pissed off at him. Instead, I just laughed. He probably wanted to curl up in a ball under the table he was so embarrassed.

“This isn’t about Bradley, it’s about you,” Claire said.

“So you think that I’m not mature enough, and you think that without being under your thumb for another couple of years I’ll implode, and that gives you the right to kill my dreams?” John demanded, emphasizing the word ‘you’ throughout his statement.

“I do,” Jack said. “Your dreams aren’t killed, they’re just postponed.”

“They’re killed,” John said. He picked up his glass of pinot noir, acted like he was going to drink it, and then poured it down the front of his outfit. I watched as the red wine stained the white bow tie, white shirt, and white vest, and while the shade of red wasn’t like blood, it was close enough to be a symbolic slam-dunk. Damn he was a good showman. Marie looked at me, grinning, and raised an eyebrow.

“Drama isn’t going to win this argument,” Jack said firmly.

John ignored him. “Hey Will, when are you going down to Malibu?”

“Probably on Wednesday,” I said.

“Mind if I tag along?” he asked.

“Not at all,” I said. “I’m going down there alone, so it will be good to have the company. There’s a big party at Darius’s frat on Friday, and a killer party in the Palisades on Saturday.” My father looked even more defeated since I’d ironically uninvited him to go to his own house, but I was beyond caring at this point.

“Awesome!” John said.

“You’re not going anywhere,” Jack said. “After the stunt you pulled this weekend, you’ll be lucky if you’re done being grounded by summer.”

“I’m only grounded if I go home, and I’m not going home,” John said. “And since I’m not going to school either, there’s really no reason to stick around here.” Grand’s eye twitched a bit at that, showing his irritation that one of his grandsons would so blithely dismiss his educational duties, but he stayed quiet, realizing there was more to it than that.

“Like I said, you’re not going anywhere,” Jack said.

“You going to make me go to class? You going to make me do assignments? You going to make me take tests? You going to guard me constantly to make sure I can’t escape from your jail? You think I don’t have enough friends who will give me a ride wherever I want to go, or who won’t let me stay with them?” John challenged. He was being very calm and firm. It was pretty impressive.

“You need a ride, you need money, you need a place to stay, I’ve got your back,” I said.

“So do I,” Marie said.

Before Jack could toss another dart at John, Grand intervened. “Perhaps you would all be wise to reflect upon your conversations, which have been both enlightening and concerning. Once you have done that, you will be in a better place to discuss things.”

“I agree with you, especially about the ‘concerning’ part,” Claire said, showing her annoyance that Grand had taken charge of what she probably considered to be an argument between her and her son. Since they were having it here, in front of all of us, she was wise enough not to voice the reasons for her annoyance.

“I am not concerned about John’s recreational habits, whether they be sexual peccadillos or otherwise,” Grand said to her, all but mimicking her icy tone but doing it in that much-more-effective way that he had. “I am very proud of my grandson, and I think that while his youth may cause him to make some mistakes, he has remarkably good judgment.”

“Thanks,” John said, slightly in amazement. Grand ignored him.

“I am concerned about his future plans, especially about how he will ultimately finish his education should his music career unfortunately not turn into a lifetime passion,” Grand said.

“I think your words, all of them, mirror my thoughts exactly,” Grandmaman said. To oppose both her and Grand in their decrees, as it were, would require bolder, more angry people than were here at the table.

“Thank you for your feedback,” Claire said, but in a way such that she might have just said ‘fuck you both’.

I thought we might be able to conclude our dinner without any more drama, but I hadn’t banked on my father jumping in. “John, I’m sorry I set such a bad example for you, for all of you,” he said.

“It’s okay,” John said, backing down immediately. “That was pretty raw to throw that at you, but I get sick and tired of people telling me that I’ll make bad decisions because I’m young. Older people make bad decisions too.”

“Yes they do,” Stef said supportively.

I sighed, then I looked at Jake until he made eye contact with me. I stared at him intently, trying to communicate with him non-verbally, asking if I could share his decision. It was so cool how he seemed to understand what I was saying: He smiled slightly and nodded. “The drug use you were probably referring to was mine,” I said to my aunt, and not in the nicest way. “I did some ecstasy with a friend and ended up having a great time.”

“That drug can have deleterious impacts on your brain, especially at a younger age,” Jack said, chiding me. He was going to start judging me now too?

“Seriously?” I asked him in amazement, then ignored him, making him look like an ass. Marie and John giggled. I instead focused on my father. “I make my own choices, and I’m not ashamed of them, but I did not expect that people I trusted would decide to betray that trust.”

“I’m very sorry about that,” Dad said sincerely, something he’d probably been dying to tell me since this whole controversy started.

“Time after time, I have told you that you have absolutely no moral authority to comment on my life or what I do,” I said to him firmly. “Time after time this happens, where you seem to forget that anything bad I’ve done, you’ve done worse. And time after time, we keep having these same arguments.”

“If you’re lost you can look and you will find me,” Ryan sang, then John joined him for the chorus, “Time after time.” That made us all laugh, even as we noted their amazing voices.

I waited until our mood settled and zeroed back in on him. “So if I want your opinion on what to do, I’ll ask you. If I need your advice, I’ll ask you. But if you moralize to me, expect your shirt to look like John’s,” I said firmly. “And to remove temptation, I’ve set up a different bank account so you won’t feel the need to pore over the money I spend and try to question me. I am officially and completely independent of you.”

“How will you pay for things?” he asked.

“That no longer concerns you, and you really have no right to ask me that,” I said firmly. He was going to argue, and almost gave Stef an accusatory look before he stopped himself. “And even though I don’t know why you felt the need to become the leader of the gossip chain about me, Jake convinced me to forgive you.”

“How did he do that?” Grand asked. It never failed to impress me how he generally let all of the drama, vitriol, and hyperbole blow past him while managing to pick out the key topics.

“We made a deal,” I said. “I agreed to forgive my father, and he agreed not to rejoin the Army.” I was focused on Grand and was so happy to see the broad smile spread across his face. A glance at my father showed him to be even more elated.

“I cannot think of a deal that has made me happier,” he said. “I find dissent within our family particularly troubling, and I was quite worried about Jake going back to Central America, enough that it has cost me sleepless nights since I found out.”

We were all pretty surprised that he said that last part. “I didn’t think you cared about me that much,” Jake joked, only it fell flat, because we all knew that Grand was sincere.

“You were incorrect,” Grand said stiffly. Jake got up and walked over to Grand’s chair and stood there. Grand finally seemed to realize that he was supposed to get up, and when he did, Jake gave him a big hug. More surprising than that was how firmly Grand hugged him back. They finally ended their embrace, and when we saw both of them try to subtly wipe tears out of their eyes, it was that much more poignant. Not that we weren’t trying to wipe our own eyes as well.

“I have never felt more like part of this family than I do now,” Jake said.

“That is how it should be,” Grand pronounced, and with that we were finally able to end this dinner.

We finished eating, and everyone seemed in a hurry to try and escape. It was almost like someone had announced that Escorial was on fire. I had been hoping to escape back to my room without being stopped, but my father was faster than that. “I really am sorry,” he said.

I looked at him and sighed. “Dad, I know you are. But all those things I said to you at dinner, I meant them. I think, like Grand said, you need to take some time and digest them.”

He was going to argue, then wisely didn’t. “I’ll do that.”

“Give me some time to stop being mad, and go enjoy your husband, who despite your idiocy, may actually stick around,” I said, but I said it with a smile.

“Thanks for that,” he said emphatically. I nodded, and walked back to my room, shutting and locking the door behind me, and blocking out my family and their bullshit.