Gap Year - 78. Chapter 78

March 12, 2004

Maui, HI

Will

I led Travis out the front door, around the back side of the house, and to the steps down to the beach. We were trying to avoid being busted, acting all sleuthy, but that just made us both giggle. Either we were pretty sneaky, or everyone else was preoccupied, because we managed to avoid being spotted. We walked down the steps to the beach and headed out to where the water met the sand. “This is paradise,” he said, gazing at the beach, then beyond at the surf.

“I love the way the reef shelters this beach,” I said. “It’s like the best of both worlds. Amazing surf beyond it, but it creates this little bay that’s calm so you can swim and just chill.”

“I am stoked for the morning,” he said, referring to the surf.

“I already told Alana we’d get an early start,” I said. “Surf report looks good!”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” I said. We were both grinning like idiots. “I am so pumped!”

“Dude, me too,” he said.

“Did you talk to Mike and Jesse?” I asked, casually changing the subject.

“Yeah, they seemed like nice guys,” he said dismissively.

“Jesse asked if we’d be up for having some fun with him and Mike,” I said. He stopped walking and looked at me, raised an eyebrow, then started walking again. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“What do you want to do?” he asked, but I knew from his tone that the issue had moved beyond them, and the question was about us.

“I guess before we decide on that, we need to decide how we’re going to be,” I said.

“How we’re going to be?” he asked. He was pretty uptight about this, which made me nervous.

“Dude, we need to have the DTR talk,” I said, only it sounded almost like an accusation.

“You seemed to be avoiding it,” he said. I looked at him to try to read him, but that just seemed to annoy him. “I mean, are you putting this off because you don’t want to be with me?”

“Are you kidding me? Seriously?” I asked him, and not very nicely. He didn’t say anything, and I felt like shit for responding so badly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped all over you like that. That’s not it.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, because my little outburst wasn’t the issue. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his one-hitter, packed a hit and handed it to me.

“Thanks,” I said. We both did a couple of hits, just enough to mellow us out, probably so we didn’t freak out when we talked about this. I almost laughed out loud when I thought that two hits was the same amount of weed he had to toke so he didn’t drive like a maniac. “I’m having a problem with figuring shit out and I need your help.”

“I didn’t realize I was a problem,” he said, being bitchy. I gave him an annoyed look, and he shook his head and chuckled. “Sorry. My turn to blurt out stupid shit.”

I laughed at that, then put my arm around his shoulders, a gesture he accepted by putting his hand on my waist as we continued to walk. “My problem isn’t you. My problem is that we have to decide how we’re going to be at the same time that I’m trying to figure out how I feel about relationships in general.”

“I don’t get it,” he said. He sounded confused, but also open, and I was relieved that he was listening to me.

“I had a meeting with my psychologist this morning.”

“You had an appointment this morning?” he asked. He was surprised about that because I’d been bitching about how busy I was going to be today, and he didn’t think I was a big enough idiot to try and squeeze that in too. Clearly he was wrong about that.

“Yeah, on the phone,” I answered. “He told me that I keep trying to cram myself into the breeder model of relationships.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” he asked, chuckling.

“It’s like how in high school, if we were dating chicks, it’s pretty much the rule that you don’t go out with other people,” I said.

“Pretty much,” he agreed.

“I guess my big model for this has been my father. He has this totally obsessive view about relationships, where when he’s in love with someone, it has to be him and that other dude and no one else,” I said.

“Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?” he asked, but even he sounded a bit uncertain about it.

“Why is that how it’s supposed to be?” I challenged.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I guess that’s just what society expects.”

“Like marriage?” I asked.

“Yeah, I guess,” he said.

“Casey, that’s my psychologist, he told me that I’d been focused on that ideal of how relationships have to be, when that does really fit who I am,” I said.

“I thought you went to that Dr. Anderson dude?” he asked.

“I’m so fucked up I need two shrinks,” I said, making him chuckle. “Casey’s the dude who helped me out when I passed out after we got back from New York. I’ve been talking to him since that happened.”

“So Casey told you you’re not the kind of dude who can settle down and get married?” he asked.

“He told me that I may not be,” I said.

“I don’t get it,” he said.

“Neither do I,” I answered. “That’s why I need you to help me try to figure this out.”

He looked at me oddly, then grinned slightly. “Alright.” I grinned back at him, because I’d realized that the last sentence I’d just said to him had been one of my smarter utterances. I’d made this a team effort.

“Casey noted that I had relationships with a lot of different dudes, but they were all pretty unique, and they really didn’t spill over into how I felt about the other guys,” I said. “It’s like each relationship is in its own little box.”

We walked along while we thought about it. “I don’t think that’s exactly right,” he finally said. “You do that, but some relationships are more important to you than others.” I was impressed that he’d read me so well.

“I can see that, where I can give a relationship a higher priority, but it doesn’t change how I feel about the other guys I like,” I said.

“Didn’t work that way with Zach,” he said. “I mean, I got promoted and he got demoted.” He was being playful, so I pushed him and almost made him fall, then laughed at him.

“That is not how it happened at all,” I said. “His demotion came because he threw me across the room, and your promotion came because you’re so awesome. They weren’t correlated.”

“Mr. Stats,” he said, teasing me for using the term ‘correlated’, but I also knew that meant he’d gotten my point.

“I think what Casey was trying to say was that the way my psyche works, if I slept with a guy, it wouldn’t impact how I felt about another dude,” I said.

“So it’s kind of how you went out to New York and fucked Patrick, but in your mind that didn’t mean your feelings for me were gone,” he said.

“That’s exactly how it was,” I agreed. “It’s not like I slept with Patrick to get back at you, or to replace you. I slept with Patrick because he’s a good friend and I like him, and because he helped me deal with how upset I was.” He gave me an odd look. “OK, and because he’s a great piece of ass.”

That made him laugh for a bit, then he got more serious. “I guess in my mind, if we’re in love, we should be a couple, and that means we’re like, with each other and no one else,” he said, as he wrestled with what I was dealing with.

“That’s what Casey said I was doing. I was trying to make that my playbook. Only he also made me realize that’s not how it has to be,” I said.

“I hear you saying that, and I get where you’re coming from, but it’s hard not to think that you’re just trying to keep some distance between us,” he said, and it killed me to hear the sadness in his voice.

“That is not it at all,” I insisted, but it was like he didn’t hear me.

“I mean, if that’s how it is, I wish you’d just tell me,” he said morosely.

“Travis, come on,” I said in a gentle way, while I hid my annoyance that this conversation had just gone in a circle and I was back to square one. “I think about you all the time, even when I’m not jacking off. I think us getting together is going to be one of the most important things that ever happens to me.”

“Seriously?” he asked, and was so surprised he made me stop and look at him so he could make sure I was sincere.

“Seriously,” I said, then grabbed his shirt, pulled him gently toward me, and kissed him in a loving, not passionate, way.

“What you just said, I could have said,” he told me. “That’s why this is freaking me out. You’re like my anchor. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re not going to lose me,” I said. “Think about it. If you were going to blow someone off, would you get into a big discussion about your philosophy on relationships?”

“No,” he said, and chuckled.

“What would you do?” I asked.

He shrugged and we walked along for a bit. “I think I’d say that I wasn’t at a place to be together with that person. I think I’d tell them their friendship was really important to me, and that’s why I needed to make sure we stayed cool.”

“Shit,” I said, since that’s pretty much how I’d started out our conversation. “No wonder you spazzed out.”

“I spazzed out?” he challenged.

“In your own way,” I said, which made us both chuckle.

“So why do you think Casey was dropping this on you now?” Travis asked.

“Because he sees how into you I am, and he wants to help me, and us, find a way that we’re good, and don’t fuck this up,” I said. “I think he also knows it’s going to be really tough if we try to operate like a married couple, and he wants us to think about that.”

“Operate?” he asked, giving me shit, then got serious. “It almost sounds like he doesn’t think we can make it as a couple.”

I was getting frustrated with him, because his mind seemed to pinball from insecure to secure and back again, so I decided to try a different strategy. “I want to tell you about Tony, this dude I dated for a while.”

“Isn’t he the dude who’s staying with us in Malibu with his boyfriend?” Travis asked. Tony and Mason had been so absorbed with other shit that Travis hadn’t even gotten to meet them.

“That’s Tony,” I said. “He and I went on this big romantic trip to Rome and when we came back to the US, he also came out of the closet,” I said. “We kept trying to set up all these rules about our relationship, but every time we did, he’d break them.”

“What a douche,” he said.

“He was,” I agreed. “When I think back about that time, I think about how much better things would have gone if we’d kept things more open.”

“That’s you and him, not you and me,” he said.

“I get that, but think about this,” I said. “In a month or so, you’re going to be able to be out. And even if you don’t become the fucking Grand Marshal of the Pride parade, you’re going to have a lot more freedom to be with other dudes than you do now.”

“You’re going on the assumption that I give a shit about that, and that I’d rather fuck someone else besides you,” he said.

“I can see your point,” I joked, bringing some levity back into our conversation. “Visualize this,” I said, and waited for him to calm back down and focus. “Imagine that you end up going to school in Nebraska, and there’s this hunky farm boy who wants you to fuck him.”

“Nebraska? Seriously?” he laughed at the thought of that. I chuckled with him, then shut up, letting him think about the situation. “That would be tempting.”

“So let’s say we have a standard straight-couple-type relationship, and neither one of us is allowed to mess around,” I said. “Here’s this hot dude who is all but grabbing his ankles for you, but you muster your willpower and say ‘no’ because you love me and you made a commitment to me.”

“Because I’m that awesome,” he said, making me chuckle. He was so fucking adorable it was scary.

“You most definitely are awesome,” I said. “Anyway, back to the hunky farm boy, naked, with his ass in the air.”

“Yeah, let’s get back to that,” he said. It was hard to be serious about shit like this when he was in his playful mood.

“If you fucked him, would it change how you feel about me?” I asked. We walked along as he took some time to think about it.

“Probably not,” he said.

“So you’re stuck in the middle of fucking nowhere, and you could have really enjoyed yourself, but because we have this big commitment, you end up beating off again,” I said, making him smile.

“Wouldn’t it bother you if I fucked him?” he asked. That really threw me for a loop, but he didn’t say anything; he just let me think about it.

“My initial reaction when you asked that was to get all pissed off,” I said. “But now that I think about it, it actually sounds hot.”

He chuckled. “Why’d it piss you off at first?”

“Because my mind had been programmed to assume that we had an exclusive deal, and if we did, I’d be pissed off at you for breaking that promise,” I said.

“You deprogrammed yet?” he joked.

“I’m working on it,” I grumbled.

“So you think it would be hot?” he asked with a leer.

“Yeah, I do,” I said. “Dude, you’re a stud. The thought of you having sex with anyone is hot.” He laughed. “Think about how our conversations would be if that happened.”

“What do you mean?”

“Alright, so you just kissed the hunky farm boy goodbye and the first thing you’d do is call me,” I said.

“The first thing,” he said, shaking his head. “Right.”

“If we’re like high school boyfriends, you’ll be groveling, apologizing for fucking him, and making promises not to do it again, only since you fucked up, I’d be wondering if you’d keep them,” I said.

“You saying I couldn’t do that?” he demanded, all upset.

“No, dipshit, the hypothetical was that you fucked this dude when you weren’t supposed to, so you already blew the promise once,” I said firmly. “How would that conversation go?”

“It would be painful,” he said. I chuckled for a little bit.

“You have no idea,” I said in a menacing way, then changed my tone. “Alright, now think about how our talk would go if fucking him was totally allowed.”

“That would go a lot better,” he said.

“No shit,” I said. “You could tell me all about it, the good and the bad. And I think the upside to that would be that we could experience that sort of thing together because of that deal,” I said.

“You mean it would be like you were there when I fucked him?” he asked.

“Maybe,” I said. “I mean, you really wouldn’t have to tell me about it if you didn’t want to, but I think it would be so much better if you did, or if I could tell you,” I said.

“I get what you’re saying,” he said.

“There’s another downside to us being exclusive in this situation, one that sucks for you,” I said. “It’s not all about me.”

“Dude, I’m remembering this day, when you said that,” he said, and got a playful smack for that slam. “OK, then how’s it an issue for me? I mean, I’m doing fine, with my dick balls deep in some hunky farm boy.”

I had to stop walking because I was laughing so hard. “Dipshit,” I said lovingly. “If you fucked him, you’d feel all kinds of guilt for doing it.”

“You’re assuming I have a conscience,” he said.

“I know you do,” I said firmly, then did a horrible Luke Skywalker impression. “I can feel the good in you, Travis. It's still there. Your father hasn’t driven it out of you.”

He laughed with me. “So a deal like Casey is outlining basically has me in Nebraska fucking hunky farm boys,” he concluded, cracking me up.

“I think that’s the deal we’re outlining, not Casey, but let’s go with it,” I joked back. “Let’s say you fuck this dude, and you start dating him. Does that mean you don’t love me anymore?”

“I mean, I guess I could fall in love with him,” he said.

“If you did, would you still love me?” I asked.

“I will always love you,” he said, and stopped to give me a kiss.

“And I will always love you,” I pledged.

“Dude, you just dropped a major bombshell on me, and I need some time to think about this,” he said.

“So do I,” I told him.

“Let’s not stress about this, alright?” he asked. “I want to enjoy our time here, and I don’t want to ruin it by arguing.”

“You saying we can’t talk about this at all?” I asked. “I was hoping you’d help me try to figure this out.”

“I will,” he said. “I just don’t want to do it tonight.”

I smiled at him, because I understood him and where he was coming from. He needed some time to let all this rumble around in his brain, and I was totally cool with that, because I was doing the same thing. I raised an eyebrow at him in a seductive way. “Let’s go back to the house and try out some of the sex toys in my room.”

“I’m up for that,” he said, grabbing his crotch suggestively.

“So what’s the deal with Crawford and Sierra?” I asked. “I thought they went out before, but it didn’t work out?”

“They were kind of into each other, but Sierra has this friend, Kaitlynn, who’s like this twisted psycho bitch,” Travis said.

“Psycho bitch?”

“Yeah, she’s all into making Sierra do everything with her,” he said. “It’s like they’re a couple.”

“Maybe they are,” I speculated.

“Don’t think so,” Travis said. “So when Sierra and Crawford first started going out, Kaitlynn did everything she could to break them up.”

“That sucks,” I said, even as I reminded myself that when I heard stories like this, courtesy of the high school gossip chain, it was important to keep a more open mind. There was probably another side to this story.

“Yeah, so that’s why it didn’t work out with Crawford and Sierra,” he said.

“What changed?” I asked. He looked at me, confused. “I mean, they’re here together, and this Kaitlynn bitch isn’t.”

“Sierra and Kaitlynn aren’t friends anymore,” he said. “Don’t know why, just know that’s how it is.”

“That’s weird,” I said. “I mean, usually when shit like that goes down, someone knows the scoop.”

“Usually,” he said, “but not this time.”

“Cool,” I said, because I wasn’t going to stress out over Sierra and Kaitlynn’s severed friendship. We wandered back to the house, taking our time, so by the time we climbed the stairs back up to my house we’d been gone for over an hour. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, only they were a lot drunker.

Marie spotted us first, and with the speed at which she hopped up and came over to us, it was obvious that she’d been waiting for us, or for me. “Where did you go?”

“Went for a walk on the beach,” I said.

“It is so fucking beautiful here,” Travis added.

“True that,” Marie said, then focused on me. “You have a few minutes?”

“Sure,” I said. Travis took the hint and went over to the bar area to do shots with Ryan and Crawford, while I followed Marie into the house. We sat at the dining room table, then she handed me three letters. “My mail?”

“Your mail,” she said.

“You know what’s in these?” I asked. She frowned at me, so I smiled at her. “I mean, didn’t you steam the envelopes open?”

“No,” she said. “I have a guess on all of them, but we won’t know until you open them.”

“What if I want to open them privately,” I teased.

“You’re such an ass,” she said. “Fine, let me know after you’ve read them if you want to talk about them.”

It was only then that I realized I’d pissed her off, probably because she’d had a long and pretty intense day keeping everyone organized. She got up to leave but I stopped her by gently holding her hand. “I was teasing. Let’s see what they say.”

“Sorry,” she said. “Been a long day.”

“No shit, since we’re the fucking travel agents,” I joked, then focused on the three letters in front of me. The first one was from Menlo School, and as I held it in my hand, I started to totally freak out. What if they’d done some sort of audit of my transcript and found out that I was missing some stupid requirement? That would be awful. I’d have to go back to Palo Alto and go back to school for the rest of the semester, and that was assuming they let me do that. What if I couldn’t do that, and I couldn’t graduate on time? Before I went into a full-blown panic, I managed to stop myself and opened the letter.

Dear Will,

On behalf of the entire faculty and administration of Menlo School, I am delighted to inform you that you have been selected as the Class Valedictorian for the graduating class of 2004. Congratulations!

Your exceptional academic achievements, leadership qualities, and contributions to our school community have set you apart as an outstanding student. Throughout your time at Menlo School, you have consistently demonstrated a remarkable commitment to excellence in all areas of your education. Your dedication to your studies, coupled with your intellectual curiosity and passion for learning, have not only impressed your teachers but also inspired your peers.

As the Class Valedictorian, you will have the honor of delivering the valedictory address during our commencement ceremony. This prestigious role recognizes your exceptional accomplishments and provides you with a platform to share your experiences and insights with your fellow graduates, their families, and the entire Menlo School community.

We believe that your thoughtful words, eloquence, and ability to inspire others will make your valedictory address a memorable and impactful moment for everyone in attendance. We encourage you to take this opportunity to reflect on your journey, express gratitude to those who have supported you, and share your hopes and aspirations for the future.

I stopped reading the letter and looked up at Marie. This letter almost freaked me out more than what I’d been afraid of. “They picked me as Valedictorian,” I said to her.

“I figured that’s what that was, since I got Salutatorian,” she said. “Congrats. I am so proud of you.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. There was no way I should have won this award over Marie.

“What do you mean, ‘no’?” Marie asked.

“This is yours,” I insisted. “You deserve this.” Marie was much more involved in school activities than I was.

“No, Will, you deserve it,” she said. “I’m fine with Salutatorian.”

“I’m going to turn it down,” I said with resolve.

“Don’t be an ass,” she snapped. “You can’t turn down Valedictorian.”

“The only reason they’re giving me this is because of the hell I went through after 9-11,” I said.

“That’s probably a big part of it,” she said. “So?”

“So that’s not even close to what you did,” I objected. “You have done so much for the school! Shit, think about how awesome the talent show was. You’re an amazing student, and you’re an impressive leader.”

“You’re right, I am,” she said, then chuckled with me. “You went through a crucible after 9-11 no one else can imagine. You showed everyone how to handle adversity. You were incredible.”

“Thanks,” I said, almost shyly.

“People still talk about how you handled Mr. Colston,” she said, referring to the math teacher who had been a total dick to me when I’d come back to school after the 9-11 attacks. “You stood up for yourself and faced a teacher in class, and then when you had the opportunity to totally fuck him up, he apologized, and you let him off the hook. Not only that, you shielded him from the wrath of the administration. Dude, that was noble.”

“I still think that if we sit here and argue about which one of us is more awesome, you’ll win,” I said.

“Duh,” she said, cracking me up. “I truly am happy that you got it. When you accept this award, I’ll be the one cheering the loudest for you.”

“Thanks,” I said, and got all choked up.

“Besides, you have to give a speech,” she said. “I get to sit on the dais with you and I don’t have to do shit.”

“Leave it to you to figure out the best job in the house,” I said, shaking my head. “Let’s see what these other two letters are. Do you know what’s in those too?”

“I know everything,” she said with fake arrogance.

“Right,” I said, then picked up the first letter. “This one’s from Stanford.”

“Maybe they’re writing to give you a bad time for riding horses on campus and letting them crap on the roads,” she joked.

“I always put a poop bag on the horse,” I said, then opened the letter. “This is an acceptance letter. I got in.”

“Congrats,” she said. “I figured that’s what it was, since I got a letter too.”

“Did they let you in?” I teased. She just rolled her eyes at me, since there was no way she couldn’t get into Stanford, what with her grades, SATs, and Grand behind her.

“Open the other one,” she insisted.

“This one’s from Cal,” I said, noting the letterhead of the University of California at Berkeley. I read the first few paragraphs and nodded approvingly. “They want me too.”

“Who doesn’t?” she joked. “I got one of those too.”

“I mean, why does this matter?” I asked her. “I thought we were going to Harvard together?”

“I’m thinking of staying in the Bay Area for college,” she said, and with that, she completely rocked my world.