Life Goes On - 50. Gary Tells His Story of Shame

November 1988

While the two sat at the kitchen table sharing dessert a very nervous Gary who was now in tears said: “Will, if I tell you something that may be shocking will it be totally confidential. If so what I tell you is something that has troubled me for years and that I have never shared with another person, no one. Dan is a real friend. I have never been as close to anyone as I am to Dan. But I am afraid that if he learns my secret our friendship will be over. You must promise that what I tell you is just between us. Otherwise I will have to continue to carry this burden myself.”

Will gave his assurance of confidentiality and Mr. Martin, the handsome sixth grade teacher began his confession: “When I was growing up the church was the center of my family’s life. We never missed a Sunday mass. I had my first communion when I was eight. Until I was old enough to go alone every Saturday afternoon my father took me to confession. I was probably the best little boy in the parish and never had any real sins to confess. They were probably sins like stealing a cookie or telling my mother my tummy hurt so I could get out of some chore. The priest always absolved me of my sins and told me to do some Hail Marys. At about the age of ten I had training to be an altar boy. By the time I was twelve the priest told me I was the best altar boy he had ever had. He suggested to my parents that I receive special training so I could serve when the Bishop visited as well as on high holy days. Of course my parents were thrilled that their young son had been chosen. One afternoon on a hot, humid summer day I was helping the priest whose name I will not mention straighten up the sacristy (a room in the church where the priest prepares for the service). I somehow spilled communion wine on him. I now realize he orchestrated the spillage. I was mortified that I had stained his robe. He smiled and assured me there was no problem. He would put on a fresh robe and send that one to the cleaners. The robe he was wearing had no buttons, just a sash holding it closed. He asked me to help him remove it. I undid the sash and the robe opened. He was naked. He smiled at me. ‘On hot days I try to stay as cool as possible.’ He then reached down and scratched his balls. ‘Don’t be ashamed to look. I am no different than any other man. The only difference between you and me is that I have bigger hands, bigger feet and bigger this.’ As he took his dick in hand. I was mesmerized. This was the first adult dick I had seen up close. I had seen my father’s and other men’s but only for seconds when we changed into swimming suits at the bathhouse at the lake. I just stared at it. He was a good looking man of about 40. The dick I saw at age ten was impressive. When soft it was bigger than most of the adult men I got glimpse of at the bathhouse.”

“The following week he asked if I would like to practice wearing a cooler altar boy robe. I agreed and we both got naked and put on our robes. He looked at my dick and congratulated me on having a very handsome penis. Of course he had admonished me to keep our special outfits our secret. At confession he would ask me if I had told anyone about our special robes. One thing led to another and within a month we were masturbating together. He would shoot his load and I would just end with a good feeling. He explained that when I shot like him I would truly be a man. A month later we were jerking each other off. This continued and by the time I was sixteen I was looking forward to our encounters. By that time mine had grown larger than his. He would measure me and comment on how big I was compared to the average. He showed me statistics that indicated he was just normal and I was in the top 10%. Once when my parents went away for a weekend he offered to let me stay at a room in the clergy house where he lived. You can imagine what happened that weekend. By now I was totally under his control. The reason he had such control was because I really wanted it. At some point he sucked me off and I learned to reciprocate.”

“Then on my eighteenth birthday I suddenly had remorse. I guess I assumed it was wrong and stopped seeing him. He called me at home and I made excuses why I would not see him. I never told him outright that I had decided it was wrong. That is when I decided to go away to college. I could have avoided getting student loans if I had stayed home and commuted to Kent State University but chose Bowling Green State University which was three hours away. While I was at university my parents inherited my grandparent’s home in Wadsworth and decided to move there and sell our Canton home. I have not returned to Canton since. I graduated from a Catholic high school and really wanted to attend the fifth reunion of my class but did not go as I feared that priest would be there.”

“Now I feel like such damaged goods and I am ashamed to have a relationship with a decent person. The priest is the only person I have ever been with in a sexual way. Since then the only relief I have gotten is with my hand. When I do that I have great guilt. Who would want a damaged person like me?”

By the time Gary finished his confession Will was red with rage. “My friend. You did absolutely nothing wrong. What that pedophile priest did to you when you were twelve years old is criminal. What happened later was just natural. Starting when I was about twelve I enjoyed checking out other guys. On hot summer days boys and some men would cool off by swimming in a dammed up section of a creek near our farm. Today, eighty years later I can still describe all of those dicks. You went from being abused by a pedophile to doing what boys do. You did NOTHING wrong. The first part was an attack by a sick person and later just doing what comes naturally. I am positive that no one would consider you ‘damaged goods’. However, I don’t believe you alone can turn off those thoughts that torment you.”

“I have a suggestion. I have a good friend who I totally trust. He is an experience counselor. Also he is gay and at the age of 70 has had a very active and satisfying sex life with his male lover. Please talk to him. He will give you assurances that you are the good person I know you are. May I call him? He lives in Pleasant Valley, an easy drive from here. Actually he was the owner of this farm which he inherited from his Uncle who died in World War II on D-Day.”

“If you think it would help I am willing to talk to him.”

“Before I call him there is one thing you should know. He is a retired Catholic priest. He will be enraged when he hears you story and will understand the situation much better than most would.”

“You actually want me to talk to a priest? I don’t think so. It would bring back too many bad memories.”

“Please say yes. You must get these demons out of yourself.”

Gary reluctantly agreed and since it was only 7pm Will immediately called Father Sean.

As expected Sean was outraged when he heard Will’s summary. He told Will that as a retired priest he had no duties until Sunday morning when he was saying mass for a friend who was visiting a sick parent. He would gladly talk to the young man. Since he considered Will a close friend he could talk man to man and said, “What the fuck, why don’t I come down now. I assume you will have a bed available for me. I could be there in less than an hour.”

Fifty minutes later the handsome Sean McFadden walked into the farmhouse that he once owned. Will suggested they sit at the kitchen table. His reasoning being that this would be an informal and nonthreatening format. Gary immediately felt at ease with the handsome 70 year old. He would not have known he was a priest either by his clothes of demur.

As Gary related the same scenario he had earlier Sean got more and more agitated. Finally when he concluded Sean explained, “If I had my way we would go to Canton with a hedge shears and cut off the bastard’s dick. Unfortunately your story is not unique and I am aware of more than one pedophile priest who when discovered was either sent to another parish where he continued his abuse or to a psychiatric program to cure him. After the ‘cure’ some were permitted to return to the ministry and some of those went back to their old ways. Someday this attitude of some bishops that the reputation of the church is more important than the lives of children will catch up with them followed by a national scandal.”

“Gary, you did nothing wrong at the age of twelve. As you grew older and entered puberty when you sexual awaking begins you responded as your body, not your brain, but your body would. This was a man, a man you trusted, a man that your parents encouraged you to trust that put you in a situation that even by the age of sixteen you were not equipped to handle. By then it felt good and the other was a man of God, the person you confessed your sins to. What he was doing was wrong. Not only was it wrong in the eyes of God but it was a criminal act against the law for which he could have been sent to jail. Today you have the right to report him to the police and testify against him in court. While the testimony of one young man may not be proof for a jail sentence others might come forward. But you will not and should not do it. Even though you are innocent, totally innocent, in the eyes of some you are tainted. A school district does not want a sixth grade teacher, one who teaches twelve year olds, who was molested at that age. So, although you are a victim we will keep it a secret. There is absolutely no need for anyone else to know this. I will write a letter to the bishop and tell him what I know and that I learned in confession. I assume the bishop will do nothing. If he has received other complaints he might do something. Whatever he does I know he will protect the reputation of the church and even if there is some level of punishment it will never be made public.”

“Sorry for the ranting. Now it is time for healing. Once again I will say, You did nothing wrong over those six years, You have absolutely no reason to be ashamed, Neither Will nor I are shocked or surprised by you reactions over those six years, Between Will and I we have over 160 years of experience. During that time we have certainly as they say ‘Been there – Done that’. Accept yourself as the beautiful person you are – both inside and outside. Could we three stand and embrace the new Gary Martin.”

The three men stood. Sean and then Will walked over to the trembling young man. Sean wrapped an arm around one side of him and Will the other side. Then the two older men wrapped their free arms around each other. As they stood embraced tears ran down all cheeks. Then as Will and Sean pressed their cheeks against Gary’s he quietly utter, “I will not let the evils of one man continue to haunt me. I will never forget them, but I will overcome them. I will heal. Thank you both.” With that he squeezed both his friends. 93 year old Will, although strong for his age stifled a cry of pain as the strong young man over with enthusiasm tightly embraced him.

Then Will spoke, “Gary, what you have told us will be held in strict confidence. But, I do think you need to tell Dan your anxieties. I know he loves you. He has shared with me his passion for you and his concerns of your lack of intimacy. It was because of his concerns that I suggested we all go to the cinema and see My Beautiful Launderette. Following the movie we had a discussion in the diner. When I asked for your opinion about the relationship of the two men you said: ‘They needed each other and I am happy they found each other.’ That brief comment confirmed our assumption that you approved of man to man relationships. But, even though you seemed to approve of such relationships we could not understand why you were so emotionally distant. Your discussing your experience with the pedophile priest will explain to Dan why you have acted toward him the way you have. I know that to him it will be a great relief to understand your feelings. Sharing with him will be probably be the most difficult fifteen minutes of your life – But, that will be followed by a lifetime of happiness.”

“Will, I know you are right. It will be difficult. “

“I suggest we call Dan and leave a message saying that I need help tomorrow morning and ask him to come by at 9:00. Tomorrow, Saturday, you both have the day off. When he arrives I’ll tell him that my friend and I are going out to breakfast and to run errands. I will not introduce Sean as a priest, just a friend. I suggest you two sit here at the kitchen table, it is less formal. I know Dan well enough to believe he will have only love for you and disgust for the pedophile. The only emotions he will show are love and a tremendous amount of relief. Why don’t you stay the night? You may sleep in one of the rooms upstairs. Sean will be staying downstairs in my bed. When Sean and I return from our errands tomorrow and if we see both your cars in the driveway but do not see you we will assume you are continuing your discussion upstairs.”

“I’ll call my parents and tell them I am studying with a friend and since it will be late may stay overnight.”

Will then announced, “It’s still early and we need a change of atmosphere. Let’s play Scrabble. You will get triple point value for using any word that you would not want to share with your mother.”

Later as Gary showered he was tempted to do what he usually did when he showered, wank-off. He resisted the temptation that his dick was pleading for as his heart told him, ‘Save it for Dan’. As he crawled under the covers naked he visualized his friend as he saw him in the shower at the YMCA. He had noticed Dan start to bone up and chuckled to himself as he remembered watching that fetching ass hurry out of the shower area. By now his dick was at total hardness oozing precum. He could no longer resist the temptation and was wanking while visualizing his ‘Love’. He stifled a scream of pleasure as loads of cream shot onto his chest and lips. Cleaning himself with the tissues of the night table he immediately fell into a deep sleep.

“Gary, Gary.” A confused young man opened his eyes. “Gary, its 8:00. Dan will be here in an hour. You better get up.” He then realized where he was and saw Will standing over him.

“Wow, that was the soundest and most peaceful sleep I have ever had.” He then pulled the covers back and stood.

“Holy shit,” Will exclaimed as he without shame ogled the young body. Also without shame the gorgeous Gary stood with a magnificent woodie pointing his magnum dick at a 45 degree angle. Feeling totally at ease with the old man and considering he had bared his soul the evening before he had no qualms about sharing the sight of his body this morning. “I knew you were handsome. But never did I believe to see such beauty. The sight of you is making my old dick respond as it has not in years. Get dressed, the coffee is ready.” Then to Gary’s embarrassment Will said as he eyed the pile of tissues on the floor next to the bed, “I see you had sweet dreams.”

As Will walked out of the room Gary chided himself, ‘Why are you embarrassed? Will was just enjoying my pleasure while thinking of what he would have done at my age’.

Sean and Will kept the conversation light as the nervous Gary sat at the table. They asked about his graduate course and recounted stories about their university course work many years earlier.

A confused Dan walked into the house. He had seen Gary’s and a stranger’s cars in the driveway and wondered why.

“Good morning officer of the law. Sit down and share breakfast with Gary. My friend Sean and I are going out to breakfast and then have errands to run. We will not be back for a couple of hours.”

As the two departed a stunned Dan stood in the kitchen. Gary then got up, poured coffee for his friend and placed a cereal box on the table. “Sit down. I have something to tell you. There is no easy way to do this so I will just ‘bite the bullet’ and begin.”

During the next moments every emotion possible ran through Dan. All centered on the fact that he was going to lose his friend.

Gary then told his story as he had confessed to Will and then Sean.

He continued, “Both Will and Sean assured me that I did nothing wrong as a child. First I was preyed on by a pedophile and then let it happen because horny teenagers are programed to want sex. Hopefully now you understand why I was emotionally distant. By the way, Sean is a long-time friend of Uncle Will. His family owned this farm and Will bought the house from him. He is a Catholic priest. Will convinced me to talk to him. Between the two I feel much better about my past.”

Dan stood and walked over to Gary’s chair. He pulled him up and the two embraced. “I love you and nothing you have said changes that. Thank you for sharing. The only thing I do not understand is why you thought you had done anything wrong. It happened. You were a victim.” Dan then pressed his lips against Gary’s. The previously tormented man responded. With their lips open each tongue explore the mouth of the other. As Dan realized their hard dicks were pressing against each other he thought, ‘Is he too fragile for a physical relationship yet?’ As Gary thought, ‘Does he think I am too wounded to have a physical relationship yet?’

While the lips were locked the two dicks were having their own discussion. Finally Gary’s dick told him he had to take the initiative as Dan was probably hesitant to force himself on the other. Gay whispered, “There is a possibility that some friend or neighbor might drop in. Why don’t we go upstairs to continue our conversation?”

Holding hands they walked up the stairs. As Gary led Dan into the room he had slept in the pile of tissues was still on the floor. Dan joked as he looked at the tissues and said, “Were you thinking of me last night?”

“Sure was!”

Instinctively each removed his shoes and they laid on the bed. Then a frenzy of pent-up lust and passion began. Their hands explored every part of the other’s body. During the fury of activity their cloths were removed and naked body pressed against naked body. Dan disengaged himself from the arms of Gary and began an exploration down his body. He kissed his friend’s ears, then neck, each nipple the stomach and naval. Thinking of Gary’s past he hesitated swallowing the magnum dick that he so much wanted to taste. Instead he kissed the tip gently sucking off the layer of precum. Following introducing his tongue to the furry blond balls he moved back to the lips.

Gary then traveled the same route his friend had. Except when the school teacher worshiped the dick he not only kissed it but swallowed it. Dan cried out, “I’m CUMMING.” Gary released his lips and enjoyed the sight of the juices spurting onto his friend’s stomach. Gary then kneeled over his friend and began stroking himself. Dan reached up and pushed the hand away. He then placed his own hand around the dick and relished the sight of cum pouring out and mixing with the mass on his stomach. Gary fell forward. The two embraced as the sticky stuff coated each.

In the shower they playfully washed each other. Since Gary had been willing to suck, Dan kneeled and took his friend as far as he could. Practicing on the well-endowed Peter had not prepared him for this challenge. When Gary got close and attempted to pull out Dan wrapped his arms around his friend’s ass and sucked harder and deeper. He was soon rewarded with his friend’s love juice. Dan then stood and jerked off on to his friend’s limp dick. After the shower they dried each other and returned to bed.

Again wrapped in each other’s arms Gary whispered, “I love you.”

“And I love you.”

Now Dan realized why Dan was so negative about the city of Canto. Following two hours of conversation, cuddling and more tissues on the floor they put on the silky nylon robes Will had told Gary they could use and ventured downstairs. Will and Sean were sitting at the kitchen table. As the younger ones went to the counter to fill their coffee cups Dan whispered something into his love’s ear. Gary nodded yes. When the two turned around the sashes on their robes were undone and the robes open revealing the two bodies. One in his thirties, muscular with dark hair and a pleasing cut dick and the other, in his twenties, handsome, thin-muscular, blond with a magnum cut dick. Gary stated, “You two guys are the best friends and mentors a couple of armatures could have. While we only have eyes for each other we want to share with two very special guys.” Sean hungrily leaned forward and Gary without hesitation approached him. The other two tenderly observed as the younger accepted the caresses from his new friend that started with the chest and nipples to the balls and now hard dick. There was no objection when Sean leaned in and kissed then swallowed the master piece. To the surprise of Dan, the experienced older man easily swallowed it to his base. Suddenly Gary was embarrassed with the thought that after three cummings with his love he would not be able to fully satisfy this man who had been so understanding and tender. The ever hornyness of the 25 year old prevailed and he soon stabilized himself by grabbing Sean’s shoulders as he pumped out the sixth load in 24 hours (3 with Dan, in bed the previous evening and a midday wank in the bathroom of the teacher’s lounge). Dan rewarded Will with his fifth (previously 3 with Gary and a before work cumming the previous day) in the same time period.

It had been a busy morning. Now at 11:00 Gary departed for home and Dan to his apartment. He had promised to take his son Danny to the high school Saturday afternoon football game and then out to dinner. Will invited them to return that evening for dessert and to stay the night. Sean announced that he would stay over and drive home early Sunday morning to say mass for his out of town priest friend.

That evening as the four devoured the apple pie baked by the wife of Will’s good friend and farmer neighbor the host had a suggestion. Gary, you told me that you wished you could have a place of your own but were living with you parents to save to pay off your student loan as fast as possible. I have a proposition. A man of 93 living alone in a somewhat isolated farm house is probably not the best situation. You are welcome to rent a room upstairs. The price of the rent will be to provide companionship, just friendly – no sex expected, and help me around the house. Of course you would consider this your home and have guests over, or should I say a guest. Think about it.”

“I do not need to think about it. The offer is accepted.”