Make us laugh!

[Amelia]

[media][/media]

Edited May 2, 2010 by Amelia

[Amelia]

[media][/media]

[MikeL]

SOUTHERN CHARM

 

 

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South. When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

 

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

 

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz.

 

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

 

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.

 

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

 

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

 

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

 

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

 

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a Crap?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"...

[JamesSavik]

 

[JamesSavik]

Ghost Hunters... the Lost Episode

 

[Phantom]

[Gregoire]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkjyZHZhokM

[Hoskins]

[MikeL]

Only great minds can read this
This is weird, but interesting!

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too

Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

[...]

.

Edited May 16, 2010 by AZSquid

[Benji]

...................There was this Norwegian who was on vacation in Florida. All his life he'd wanted to have a pair of alligator-shoes, and now he thought he would finally be able to get around to buying a pair. Gator shoes are of course expensive, and haggling down the price didn't help. Finally the Norwegian yelled out in anger, "Bare behold de elendige skoene dine. Skal det være på den måten, skal jeg pinadø leie meg båt, dra oppover sumpene her, fange meg en alligator og lage skoene selv!!!!" (Sigh.. In English: Just keep your lousy shoes. If that's how it's going to be then I'll just get myself a boat, go out into the swamp, catch a gator and make my own shoes!)

 

The owner of the store just looked stupidly at him, "Yeah, sure, and give my best regards to the Swedes who're already up there trying to do what you just told me."

 

The Norwegian runs to a boat rental place and gets a boat, then he heads out into the swamp.

 

After a while he finds two men standing up to their knees in the water. Both of them are holding a spear pointed at the water. "det må være svenskene." (that must be the Swedes) the Norwegian thinks. Suddenly there's a movement in the water and an alligator swims towards one of the Swedes. The Swede is standing there like a statue, just waiting for the big gator to get closer. When the gator was close by the Swede stuck his spear into the gator, and with a bit of fighting he got the beast onto the land, where there was a big pile of gators. The Swede turned the gator on his back and examined it's feet, and then finally utterd, "Satan också! Inte sko på den haer heller." (Damn! No shoes on this one either!)

Edited May 19, 2010 by Benji

[MikeL]

The Patient and the Medicine Man

A patient consulted his medicine man about a pain in his stomach that had persisted for three months.

[JamesSavik]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMRGy-u23VQ&NR=1

[TalonRider]

IF YOU MARRY A PENNSYLVANIA GIRL

 

Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

 

The first man married a woman from Indiana. He told her that she was

to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

 

The second man married a woman from Michigan. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.

By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

 

The third man married a girl from Pennsylvania. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

[Clovis]

[MikeL]

[JamesSavik]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpue5lHjEQ0

The REAL Tiger Woods Apology

[TalonRider]

Prisons vs. Nursing Homes

 

Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies.

And walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental,

and medical treatment , wheel chairs etc.

And they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be

helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be

ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals

and snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool, and education.

Simple clothing , shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard,with gardens.

Each senior could have a P.C. A T.V., Radio, and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors, to hear complaints, and the guards

Would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone, and unsupervised.

Lights off at 8 pm, and showers once a week.

Live in a tiny room , and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope

of ever getting out. Justice for all.

[Bumblebee]

Johnnie's mother was concerned her 5yo son was doing all his paintings in black paint.

 

His daycare centre decided to call a round table meeting with child welfare workers, psychiatrists, psychologist, his parents, grandparents, older brothers and sisters.

 

It was discussed Johnnie could be having nightmares, he could have some underlying health problems, he could be being bullied, or depressed, etc, etc.

 

Johnnie undertook many months of therapy, to see if his paintings would finally involve more cheerful colours.

 

However, Johnnie was still coming home from daycare with all his paintings in black.

 

Another meeting was planned to discuss Johnnie's dreary artwork. Johnnie's grandmother suggested a good idea would be to actually ask Johnnie why he he chose black to paint with.

 

Johnnie answer to this was simply....."I'm not as tall as the other kids, so I can't reach the other colours"

[nightsky]

 

A bit dark. But I laughed.

[MikeL]

Here's why you should never blow your horn at an old person:

 

 

[TalonRider]

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling ?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say,"It is dog shit.Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

[BlueSoxSWJ]

From the funniest show currently on television, last night's episode:

 

[JamesSavik]

 

sneaky cat

[JamesSavik]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kddI6-LwXZM