Make us laugh!

[TalonRider]

10 Finkers

 

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

 

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

 

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers." "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord- its 2010 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says........."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

[MikeL]

How does a bagpipe differ from an onion?

 

No one cries when you cut up a bagpipe.

 

[MikeL]

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

 

 

So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

 

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

 

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

 

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

 

 

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Edited November 18, 2010 by MikeL

[Arpeggio]

 

Cows & Politics Explained

 

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

 

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

 

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

 

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

 

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

 

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

 

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

 

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

 

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

 

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

 

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

 

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

 

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

 

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.

 

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

 

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

 

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

 

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

 

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

 

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

 

 

Gotta love cows.

[Agaith]

 

Gotta love The Two Ronnies

 

 

[Zeoanne]

A Bit Naughty but funny nonetheless....

 

 

 

Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving.................

 

1. Talk about a huge breast!

 

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

 

3. It's Cool Whip time!

 

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

 

5. That's one terrific spread!

 

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

 

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

 

8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

 

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

 

10. Don't play with your meat.

 

11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.

 

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

 

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

 

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

 

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

 

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

 

 

 

 

Only Rush can manage to do a double "spoiler" window

[Zeoanne]

Lifesavers...The Candy With The Little Hole...

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red....................Cherry Yellow................Lemon Green..................Lime Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None

of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your

mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and

yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

[paya]

Baaa-studs!

[paya]

Awesome show can be found here: http://xkcd.com/826/

 

Don't forget to click on the exhibit "stands"

 

 

[BlueSoxSWJ]

[Dark]

Real life is awesome!

 

I have an online friend, TwistedHilarity, who posts journal entries about her kids. They always make me laugh!

 

Here's one she posted this past April:

 

Once again, I bring you my son, the yaoi prodigy.

 

My son...oh dear god. If I didn't know for a FACT that he can't get on my computer, I would SO wonder what that child has been sneaking glimpses of.

 

The other day, he's at the table, messing with his little GI Joe doll - the doll's just wearing a pair of pants. I'm not really paying attention until I glance over and see he's making the GI Joe doll kneel on the table.

 

And yes, my pervert senses went off and I chuckled silently to myself at how innocent kids stuff can be taken in such adult ways and then went back to my work. A couple minutes later, I look over again, and there is my son, arranging his GI Joe doll to kneel and then BEND OVER, with his hands touching the ground.

 

And yes, I'm choking desperately as I try not to laugh out loud. My brain is SO WRONG.

 

But it doesn't end there. My son's completely frustrated because, he informs me, he can't make the doll's face touch the ground! And he's trying really hard, contorting the doll, pushing the doll's ass in the air as he tries to make the face touch the ground, and I-AM-FREAKING-DYING.

 

Have you ever seen a grown woman literally holding her mouth shut to keep from guffawing? You would have.

 

Finally, the little guy gets a pose he's happy with. The doll kneels, leaning forward, his hands braced on the table, with his head bowed. And I manage to ask my son what he's trying to get the doll to do.

 

He looks up, all blond curls and big blue eyes, and says very matter-of-factly: I'm making him bow down to me.

And she included pictures: side view & front view

 

:lol:

[Zeoanne]

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

 

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

 

If you can relate to any of the above

[Clovis]

Dear Rush! I know they aren't jokes! That means I'm old! too too funny, thanks.

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

 

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....

You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

(I sent this in large type so you can read it)

 

If you can relate to any of the above

[Clovis]

Is all this really true?

 

 

 

[Zeoanne]

Dear Rush! I know they aren't jokes! That means I'm old! too too funny, thanks.

 

 

 

 

 

Gotta love Maxine darling! I especially liked #3... Almost had tears rolling down my thig... Umm never mind...

[Hoskins]

Nice clock!

[phana14]

Nice clock!

 

 

That damn thing is hypnotic!

[JamesSavik]

Here's one for all of you gym-rats out there

 

 

[Zeoanne]

This made me LOL

 

[Arpeggio]

Splat

[DragonMando]

 

 

Edited December 7, 2010 by DragonMando

[JamesSavik]

Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks

 

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,

 

And every year Bill would say,

 

'Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

 

Blanche always replied,

 

'I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

 

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

 

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

 

'Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

 

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

 

To this, Blanche replied,

 

"Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

 

and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

 

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

 

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

 

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

 

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

 

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

 

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

 

But still not a word...

 

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

 

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

 

I'm impressed!'

 

Bill replied,

 

'Well, to tell you the truth

 

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

 

But

 

you know,

 

"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

[MikeL]

Leroy gets a new Harley:

 

 

[MikeL]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Pe7I9NuP8M

[MikeL]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDEwdDNYa10