Coming Out - When is it moral?

[advocatus diaboli]

Hypothetical situation:

 

Billy is 17 and gay. He's a senior in high school, and he has a part-time job, but like most teenagers he has zero fiscal responsibility. He's lucky if he has any money left by the time his next paycheque comes around, which is fine. He lives at home and money's never really been an issue for him or his family. Both his parents work good, solid jobs. Billy's parents have already told him that he's going to university, and with his grades he will be accepted. He probably won't be able to get any scholarships, but with the good money his parents pull in and him living at home, it's perfect manageable, financially.

 

The only problem is that Billy is far in the closet and if his parents found out he was gay, they'd never forgive him. He'd be thrown out on his ass as soon as he turned 18 and he would receive no help from his parents anymore - they'd disown him. Billy knows this, because he hears his mother and father rant their homophobic hate, so he's keeping it to himself, at least until his education is complete.

 

---

 

Now, my question. Is it morally acceptable for Billy to wait? Whether we agree or disagree with his parents beliefs, they have every right to have them. It will be their money that puts Billy through school and gives him a good education so he can get a good job and have a decent quality of living.

 

Is he morally correct to withhold his sexuality to accept their money?

[Mark Arbour]

It is not only morally acceptable for him to wait, it's the smart thing to do. What would Billy's coming out accomplish? He's probably be stuck without a college education, and for what? It won't make a point, it won't hit the news. It will just screw up his life.

 

When he's on campus, he can be pretty out, and his parents won't figure it out. That's a good solution for the four or five years he'll need to finish. After that, he'll be an independent entity, and they can't hurt him (financially) with their homophobia. In addition, he'll be more mature and more stable (presumably), and he'll be better able to handle any crap they throw at him once he's graduated.

[advocatus diaboli]

I know it's the smart thing to do, but is it the right thing to do? You're taking someone's money in a deceitful way.

 

We're not talking about chump change here, like me spotting you a movie ticket or something. We're talking about multiple tens of thousands of dollars.

[Y_B]

I don't see anything morally wrong with staying in the closet until college or after college. It's not so much deceit as it is just a smarter investment on his own future and if he feels immoral about it, he can pay his parents back after he graduates and is then able to earn a life/income of his own.

 

Besides...since when is parents paying for their kid's education a form of charity or business?

[Merlin]

Well personally I think there's no such thing as moral or immoral. "Billy" needs to do whatever will yield himself the best result.

 

But if you wanted to be philosophical about it, there are two broad ways of thinking about this, from the utilitarian and deontological perspectives.

 

From the utilitarian perspective (which stresses consequences and tries to maximize happiness), Billy telling his parents would result in lowering his own happiness (he's thrown out) and his parents (they hate his son). So he shouldn't do it.

 

From the deontological perspective (which stresses rules and intentions), it's a little more complicated. One way of thinking about this is using the "universalization rule", which states that we should only do things that are universalizable. So...stealing wouldn't be universalizable because if everyone stole, society would fall apart, etc. From this way of thinking, Billy should only lie if everyone in his situation can lie and it would be ok. I think this test is passed. If every closeted teenager with homophobic parents chooses to not come out, the world wouldn't fall apart.

 

It gets more interesting if you generalize it. What if everyone who had something to lose from telling the truth withheld that truth? Is that universalizable? I would say it is (I think people already do that), but you may think differently. Some deontologists are against any kind of lying, even in the case of the classic thought experiment, where a little girl hides in your house and her would-be murderer comes to your door with a knife and asks you where she is.

 

Obviously it gets more complicated than this, but this is the simple version at 2 AM.

[Johnathan Colourfield]

"Billy" should follow what he feels is right. in that situation I would say stay in the closet until after college Most parents tend to figure this kinda thing out anyway but deny it

[Conner]

It is not at all realistic to consider the morality of Billy's decision in isolation of his parents' beliefs on homosexuality. There's cause and effect in play here. Is it immoral for a hungry child to steal a loaf of bread?

In any event, there's nothing immoral about self-preservation - not in this case at least.

[Curti]

Funny enough... I have real life experience from the coming out side.

 

I was in the similar boat of remaining closeted for the sake of living at home. However, one day, I felt compelled to come out to my mother. I didn't exactly think the entire thing through and I did it out of compulsion and vindication.

 

I lost all the benefits of living in my mothers home. I was thrown out with very little to survive. Its not important what I went through apart from the fact that I was forced to quit school in order to work. However, regardless of how difficult my life may have been, I don't regret what happened. I'm now comfortable, living in a place where I can go to sleep happy every night. I have a degree and I'm back in school and doing very well with my life. I'm not necessarily saying what happened to me is good for everyone. If I could do it again, I can promise I wouldn't have changed anything. I don't regret what happened. I learned a lot from the real life experiences and I learned to appreciate how hard life really is rather then expect to live a comfortable life receiving financial support from family. And to me, honesty is one of the best values we can have.

 

I'm not a particularly strong person. I don't find myself better then anyone else because of what happened to me. I don't disrespect those that remain closeted. I see them as doing what they have to in order to get where they want to be. I'm just grateful at the experiences and troubles I was faced with and I'm appreciative that my life happened the way in did. However, as I see it, It really comes down to what Billy thinks would be the best thing for him.

[Bill W]

When a parent opts to bring a child into the world they are supposed to accept and love that child unconditionally. I know it doesn't always work that way, but it should. If we want to talk about morality, is it right for the parents to turn their back on their child merely because he is gay? Let's just say Billy should remain quiet and take the college eductation as payment for the 'pain and suffering' his parents have put him through, since he had to listen to their homophobic rants and internatlzed the pain from listening to that crap. If Billy is morally wrong for hiding his orientation, the parents were equally immoral for turning their backs on him just for being gay.

[K.C.]

My mom kicked me out when I was 17 but it had nothing to do with my sexuality. There were other factors in play and she told me and my twin brother that It would be best if we weren't home anymore. (1gay 1straight) It was hard and I hated her so bad for several years.

 

I think it is a parents responsibility to do everything they can to give their child a good, safe, loving home, to protect them and prepare them for the future which included their education. I know that not every parent has the money to pay for college but there is more to it then just being a checkbook! Helping with student loans, scholarship applications, room/board, books, finding time to study vs have to work. It's a lot and I remember being all alone and not having anyone help me with any of those things.

 

I think Billy should wait to tell them. When he's older and more mature and ready to handle their prejudice. Then it would be their decision if they lose the wonderful child that they have, one that they should be super proud of, not disowning him.

[Andy78]

I see nothing wrong (morally or otherwise) in Billy having his education getting paid for - I see it as retrospective punitive damages for what his parents' attitudes are doing and will do to do him and his life. I say milk 'em for every penny; it's no more or less than they deserve for being bigoted idiots.

 

You need a license to own a firearm, you need a license to have a TV, you need a license to get married, yet any idiot can father a child.

[Cyhort]

There are different degrees of morality too. I'm pretty sure there aren't a lot of people who would say stealing a candy bar is just as immoral as killing someone. So even if "Billy" has a problem with lying to his parents to get college money he should at least see that kicking your kid out with nothing is a lot worse than what he's doing. So yeah he shouldn't even think of coming out until he's out of college and able to support himself.

[JamesSavik]

I know it's the smart thing to do, but is it the right thing to do? You're taking someone's money in a deceitful way.

 

We're not talking about chump change here, like me spotting you a movie ticket or something. We're talking about multiple tens of thousands of dollars.

 

Yes- it's the right thing to do.

 

I'm an old fart and could tell you many stories of how coming out went very wrong.

 

There is a peer pressure that some people exert on others to come out. Coming out is not a one size fits all proposition and nobody is sitting around with a tution check in case things go badly.

[paya]

How can someone even think coming out is moral/immoral? Who am I or who are his parents or anybody to judge on such an internal and private thing like coming out? Coming out is not moral nor immoral. Coming out is a decision of every one of us to do it when we feel safe/secure/confident to do it. Nobody has right to say anybody "you should have told me sooner" because I would love you less or whatever non-sense. Some people come out at 14, some take longer, we have people here who realized or came out at 40 and even some that never came out and lived a straight life. That's like asking if it's moral to pretend to be happy Mummy and Daddy for your kids when you internally lust after Uncle Frank. People have no right nor knowledge or experience to judge on such things.

[Benji]

..........Hmm, Morals!! Son tells bigoted parents that he is gay and gets thrown out of the home and disowned. Morals! Parent's throw out kid because he told them he is gay and they disown him.

 

It is definately a two-edged sword here on the topic of morals, the son has a right to self-prevervation and when he choses the time to come out.

Do the parents have a right to know about his sexuality?

[NaperVic]

If 'Billy' is really concerned about doing the 'Moral' thing, he can become celibate while he is using the resources as provided by his biological mother & father. I would suspect that the parents as you have described wouldn't consider Billy gay unless he acted upon it or performed a same sex act.

[TetRefine]

No one has a moral duty to come out to anyone for any reason. If they want to, more power to them. If they don't, then great to. They know their circumstance better then anyone else and only they can decide whether it would be beneficial or not to come out.

 

What if being open put that person in physical danger? What if coming out meant the end of all friends and a social life at school or wherever? Is it moral to put yourself in danger to satisfy some fag-queen's desire to boost the out and proud homosexual numbers? Simple answer, no. Not at all.

[Graeme]

Interesting question I noticed that most people looked at the issue of coming out (yes or no), but my reading of the question is whether it is moral for Billy to accept the money to go to college when he believes that his parents will disown him and not give him that money if he tells them he's gay.

 

Firstly, it's a belief that his parents will disown him. He believes it - but it doesn't become reality until he comes out and finds out if his belief is correct. Until that point in time, the parents are willing to pay for college.

 

Secondly, I'm going to make the assumption that his parents have never told him that they would disown him and not pay for college if he's gay. Morally, if they've told him that and he still accepts the money after that point by staying in the closet, he's being deceitful and morally wrong (though, in my opinion, it's still being smart and he should stay in the closet until he finishes his education).

 

On that basis, his parents are freely, of their own will, paying for his education. The money is not being embezzled - it's being used for the purpose that his parents intend (Billy's education). Therefore, it is not morally wrong for Billy to accept that money.

 

That's my view

 

I also disagree with those above who say that we need to look at the parents morals as part of the question. In my opinion, someone else behaving immorally does not change the morality of an act. It can have an influence on the degree of immorality, but an act is immoral irrespective of other people's actions because morality is a personal thing. Yes, I agree that Billy's parents would be acting immorally to abdicate their responsibilities if Billy tells them he's gay, but that wasn't the question It's whether Billy is being immoral by taking the money without giving his parents details of his sex life (and, somehow, I doubt his parents wanted details of his sex life as a condition on their paying for his college education )

[wildone]

This is an interesting question, especially if you are in Canada where there are laws regarding your education.

 

It would also be interesting to hear from some others that have been faced with the same moral delema and how they chose and why. Also, how did it work out. I'm not going to break anyone's confidences, so I will not name people.

 

Why I say it is different in Canada Brandon, is that your parents are legally obligated till your 18 I believe for your education. If you happen to not start post secondary until after your 18th, and you have no support from your parents, there is numerous provincial and federal aid packages that assist you with your education.

 

It isn't easy, but many of done that.

 

If Billy is in Canada, and is feeling that he may be morally corrupt for taking his parents money and hiding in the closet, I would have him explore the possibility of doing it alone before he makes any decision.

 

I won't go into the parent beliefs as Graeme has mentioned. I would say that it is entirely up to Billy to decide what is right for him.

 

Can't tell you about the US situation though.

Edited January 11, 2012 by wildone

[Nephylim]

That is an incredibly interesting question and some incredibly interesting answers.

 

I think there are competing moralities. Is it morally right to screw up your kid's life because of their sexual orientation (and for the record, I think that parents have a right to have those views but NOT to force them on their child OR make him suffer for it.) I think not.

 

Is it morally right to allow your parents to do something that they are morally obiged to do (help your children do the best they can with their lives) by keeping from them something that would almost inevitably lead to them behaving in an Immoral way.

 

I think he is actually doing them a favour in not telling them because he is stopping them behaving immorally... saving them from themselves, as it were.

[Percy]

In this scenario, the moral obligation to come out centers on the financial support he receives from his parents. I would say he is not morally obligated to come out to his parents. Will he be morally obligated to come out to every person or entity from whom he receives money for the rest of his life? Is everyone who is gay obligated to inform every employer for whom they work of that fact in order to be considered moral?

 

Billy’s parents likely raised him with the expectation that he would go to college, gain an employable skill and then become self-supporting. He was not raised with the expectation of having to support himself at 18 nor offered a path that would give him the skills to do so. His “job” then, is to work hard at college and gain that skill. In a sense, his parents are paying him to do so.

 

Just like employers fire employees for being gay, so too may Billy’s parents cut off support if he comes out, however neither the employees nor Billy are at all immoral for not coming out in order to keep their means of financial support. An employee's only moral obligation is to perform the job which their employer hired them to do. Billy's only moral obligation is to work hard at college and leave with a skill that allows him to support himself.

[Tom]

..........Hmm, Morals!! Son tells bigoted parents that he is gay and gets thrown out of the home and disowned. Morals! Parent's throw out kid because he told them he is gay and they disown him.

 

It is definately a two-edged sword here on the topic of morals, the son has a right to self-prevervation and when he choses the time to come out.

Do the parents have a right to know about his sexuality?

 

I feel that the only person that has the right to know billy's sexuality is the person he's trying to get with.

 

hugs,

Tom

[colinian]

About sexuality, in my opinion a person's sexuality is personal. No one else needs to know about it until the person them self decides to tell someone else.

 

About Billy situation, I see nothing immoral about having his education paid for by his parents. Most parents expect to pay for all or part of their children's education. Billy should stop worrying about the morality of having parents (who might or might not be homophobic) pay for his education.

 

About being gay and in the closet: just be careful and don't get caught! And don't trust others to keep your secret.

 

Colin

[Celethiel]

My turn to way in on this.

A.D. No it's not not Moral to take money on fake pretenses which he is not doing. But neither is it moral to lie to another which he is in a sense.

I beleave in the saying, "let someone beleave in what they want to beleave, if they don't ask, it's not up to me to enlighten them to what I am, or anything else... at least up to the point they start pushing their beleaves on me..."

I actually know a guy who's in the closet, and is afraid to tell his father what he is because he'll be cut off, and he is going to college and his father is paying for it. (He also got Outed in College by accident... I forget how... and since a month before Christmas i haven't heard from him...and neither has his boyfriend...)

But let us talk about the Parents Morality, "is it Moral to abandon your kid and his needs because he no longer denies what he is. It doesn't change who he is, or that he is of your bloodline and your decent or your child." The Answer is no it is not moral.

Yes i believe in Morality, my Own... Which I happen to beleave is higher then the general population of the united states, and this conversation obviously proves it.... My answer would be to this hypothetical person, "Go with what you feel you should do, whether that is to remain closetted or to tell your parents..."

My father was an Evil psychodic Bastard, BUT he was actually ok with me being what I am, and it was him whom confronted me on me being gay not the other way around....scared the hell out of me, i was scared he was going to kill me among other things. In his eyes family, especially his children came first. My mother is "ok" with it too

[Rndmrunner]

I find the take on this one interesting. The moral question is not Billy's at least in respect of coming out with regard to his parents paying for his education. The moral responsibility lies with the parents who have a responsibility to support thier child's education as long as the child needs that support. Note a 42 year old perpetual student is not a child. An undergraduate college education is what a high school diploma was 30 years ago - necessary to have access to many jobs. This is something you pay forward. Certainly not everyone can afford to pay for a kid's education but that is not what is being discussed here. Billy may certainly choose to stay in the closet if his security is dependant upon it and needs to weigh theat decision on a broader set of moral questions. When you raise a child you have signed on to care for them into adulthood: that includes love, security, a roof over their head and an education to the best of your abilities. IF Billy has a problem about taking the money, he can ensure that some other kid gets an education in the future to pay his own dues