' Live-Poets Society ' – A Corner For Poetry

[J.HunterDunn]

I vote for the first. It has more...verve? rapture/capture The replacements of mem'ries etc are well chosen.

 

Same here. It was already good ... now it's even better.

[Mikiesboy]

 

Good morning, everyone...so I have gathered so thoughts, and meditated on your responses during the sermon in church (don't tell the pastor).  I am coming to the idea that I like version 1 best, because of the capture-rapture rhyme, more than anything else. I really do like the sentiment in version 2 however.  I experimented with some word replacements in order to deal with the flick'ring mem'ry's issues. So now you get the benefit of my Sunday thoughts...

 

current iterations -

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit; more so

 

Fanning vision's glowing embers,

gleaming dim lit rapture.

And the body still remembers

all consuming capture.

 

Or this

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit; more so

 

Fanning vision's glowing embers,

gleaming dim lit fervor;

while the body still remembers

love which measures further.

 

 

now what?

 

I like the first one still. But honestly, i still like the original version best.  The memory/flickering issue didn't bother me.

[Mikiesboy]

For those who may not have seen yet, AC has posted some of his early work. I enjoyed them and you can find them here:

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/ac-benus/mytwentiethyear

 

[AC Benus]

I like the first one still. But honestly, i still like the original version best.  The memory/flickering issue didn't bother me.

I'm inclined to agree with Tim...

For those who may not have seen yet, AC has posted some of his early work. I enjoyed them and you can find them here:

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/ac-benus/mytwentiethyear

 

Thanks for the mention, Tim

Edited January 10, 2016 by AC Benus

[Mikiesboy]

I'm inclined to agree with Tim...

Thanks for the mention, Tim

You're welcome and as usual, I am out of likes  so this will have to do for now

[Puppilull]

If you only knew what story lines I've been thinking while sitting in church... Let's just say I have proof God doesn't mind the naughty stuff... Else I would have been smitten by now. Smitten good! LOL Apparently, love really is love.

 

I think I like the first better too... Gleaming and flickering are both I and I like the word flickering more.

 

I'm just difficult... LOL

[dughlas]

Good morning, everyone...so I have gathered so thoughts, and meditated on your responses during the sermon in church (don't tell the pastor). I am coming to the idea that I like version 1 best, because of the capture-rapture rhyme, more than anything else. I really do like the sentiment in version 2 however. I experimented with some word replacements in order to deal with the flick'ring mem'ry's issues. So now you get the benefit of my Sunday thoughts...

 

current iterations -

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit; more so

 

Fanning vision's glowing embers,

gleaming dim lit rapture.

And the body still remembers

all consuming capture.

 

Or this

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit; more so

 

Fanning vision's glowing embers,

gleaming dim lit fervor;

while the body still remembers

love which measures further.

 

 

now what?

I think I like the original first version best. I had no issue's with it and think it probably best reflects what your inner voice was telling you. While the new versions are good I think our thoughts made you second guess yourself and I'm not sure that was the right course to take. Parker, these are your words not ours and it was from your soul they sprang ... my mum would say "too many cook's in the kitchen" ... of course there are always other words you could use but you chose these for a reason. Edited January 10, 2016 by dughlas

[Mikiesboy]

I think I like the original first version best. I had no issue's with it and think it probably best reflects what your inner voice was telling you. While the new versions are good I think our thoughts made you second guess yourself and I'm not sure that was the right course to take. Parker, these are your words not ours and it was from your soul they sprang ... my mum would say "too many cook's in the kitchen" ... of course there are always other words you could use but you chose these for a reason.

no likes.. sigh

[Parker Owens]

Well,  then.

 

I think I like the original first version best. I had no issue's with it and think it probably best reflects what your inner voice was telling you. While the new versions are good I think our thoughts made you second guess yourself and I'm not sure that was the right course to take. Parker, these are your words not ours and it was from your soul they sprang ... my mum would say "too many cook's in the kitchen" ... of course there are always other words you could use but you chose these for a reason.

If you can stand all my flickerings and memories, that's what I might go with. Dughlas is right in that it's what I thought of first....flickering related to firelight, which related to embers and a dim, shadowed room. At least for me.  However, I had no intention of setting off a international controversy. Don't we wish all the UN ever had to do was discuss poetry? Thanks to everyone who chipped in their two centimes, pence, pennies, cents, euros, loonies, etc.

[Mikiesboy]

Well,  then.

 

If you can stand all my flickerings and memories, that's what I might go with. Dughlas is right in that it's what I thought of first....flickering related to firelight, which related to embers and a dim, shadowed room. At least for me.  However, I had no intention of setting off a international controversy. Don't we wish all the UN ever had to do was discuss poetry? Thanks to everyone who chipped in their two centimes, pence, pennies, cents, euros, loonies, etc.

i can, stand em i mean

[AC Benus]

Anyone up for a more unorthodox challenge?

[Parker Owens]

Oh, me! Pick me!

[AC Benus]

Oh, me! Pick me!

(lol) "Ummmmmm.....*scans room with loosely pointing finger*......Parker! 

[Mikiesboy]

(lol) "Ummmmmm.....*scans room with loosely pointing finger*......Parker! 

Wonders what AC will do to Parker .... lol

[AC Benus]

This game is for everyone - not only Parker

 

 

I don't know, I thought it might be funny and entertaining to 'text message' a well-known poem. In other words, select a text, find the craziest online guide to texting abbreviations and render it here for us. If you are realllllyyy good, we might not be able to figure out the original **//

 

For example:

 

"...wr 4 r-t th-ow rmeo...?" 

 

(lol, this is meant to be fun)

Edited January 11, 2016 by AC Benus

[Mikiesboy]

This game is for everyone - not only Parker

 

 

I don't know, I thought it might be funny and entertaining to 'text message' a well known poem. In other words, select a text, find the craziest online guide to texting abbreviations and render it here for us. If you are realllllyyy good, we might be able to figure out the original **//

 

For example:

 

"...wr 4 r-t th-ow rmeo...?" 

 

(lol, this is meant to be fun)

bst ydmt   (Which means: But Seriously Though You Don't Mean That)    This could be fun!!  

Edited January 11, 2016 by Mikiesboy

[Parker Owens]

Oh dyr. Txt N my lng. 

[Mikiesboy]

This game is for everyone - not only Parker

 

 

I don't know, I thought it might be funny and entertaining to 'text message' a well-known poem. In other words, select a text, find the craziest online guide to texting abbreviations and render it here for us. If you are realllllyyy good, we might not be able to figure out the original **//

 

For example:

 

"...wr 4 r-t th-ow rmeo...?"

 

(lol, this is meant to be fun)

K, this ws fun, here is my silly attempt, not fun battling auto-correct!

 

The wnd ws a tornt of drkns ^on the gsty tres, The mun ws a go-stly gal-e-on tssd ^on clow de c's,

The road ws a ribin of munlite lup'g the prple mur. & the hiwymn cme rid'g rid'g rid'g, The hiwymn cme rid'g up 2 the old in dor.

Edited January 11, 2016 by Mikiesboy

[Puppilull]

I suddenly feel so old... LOL (That one I do know, even if it's apparently supposed to be lol these days...)

[Mikiesboy]

I suddenly feel so old... LOL (That one I do know, even if it's apparently supposed to be lol these days...)

Those are Internet slang. I'm told in the old days when SMS/text had limited characters, u shrtnd wrds, that's what he wants. So, Want to meet for a drink? would have been: Wnt 2 mt 4 a drnk?

Hope that helps, or hth! Lol

[Puppilull]

Oh, I know what it is. I just don't understand without a dictionary...

[Mikiesboy]

Oh, I know what it is. I just don't understand without a dictionary...

http://www.netlingo.com/acronyms.php

[Puppilull]

Thanks! Maybe I'll learn something today then...!

[Doctor Oger]

I really wanted to take the challenge, but... Apparently I can read the abbreviations just fine, but I just can't translate from proper language into brainless texting globber, it seems. How do you shorten 'judge', 'jury', 'fury', 'case' and 'condemn'? Do those words even come up in text messages? x]

 

(Are we supposed to say what the original texts are, or better not so that others can keep guessing?)

 

(Yet again, too late perhaps) Parker: Your reworked capture stanza reads more smoothly, (so it's 'better' insofar as it's just more elegant) but it doesn't have the same atmosphere and quite the same meaning anymore. But that's been said, uhm.

"Dim": If you want a comfy, sort of darkish fireplace atmosphere, then "dim" might not be the greatest word choice. I know that "dim" doesn't mean "completely dark", but it does express some sort lessening of light, it has to do with the process of darkening. So when I read 'dim lit rapture' in your text I think "fading light" or "badly lit", not warm flames. That's why the 'gleaming' instead of 'flickering' doesn't break anything for me at all. Like 'dim lit', 'gleaming' serves a slightly cooler atmosphere than 'flickering', so they fit together.

(Though I don't know how you use the word "dim" in everyday language. Maybe it has a broader set of association and connotation than I'm aware of.)

 

This discussion wasn't controversy, it was just honest pedantery of people who revel in all things LANGUAGE.

[Mikiesboy]

I really wanted to take the challenge, but... Apparently I can read the abbreviations just fine, but I just can't translate from proper language into brainless texting globber, it seems. How do you shorten 'judge', 'jury', 'fury', 'case' and 'condemn'? Do those words even come up in text messages? x]

 

(Are we supposed to say what the original texts are, or better not so that others can keep guessing?)

 

(Yet again, too late perhaps) Parker: Your reworked capture stanza reads more smoothly, (so it's 'better' insofar as it's just more elegant) but it doesn't have the same atmosphere and quite the same meaning anymore. But that's been said, uhm.

"Dim": If you want a comfy, sort of darkish fireplace atmosphere, then "dim" might not be the greatest word choice. I know that "dim" doesn't mean "completely dark", but it does express some sort lessening of light, it has to do with the process of darkening. So when I read 'dim lit rapture' in your text I think "fading light" or "badly lit", not warm flames. That's why the 'gleaming' instead of 'flickering' doesn't break anything for me at all. Like 'dim lit', 'gleaming' serves a slightly cooler atmosphere than 'flickering', so they fit together.

(Though I don't know how you use the word "dim" in everyday language. Maybe it has a broader set of association and connotation than I'm aware of.)

 

This discussion wasn't controversy, it was just honest pedantery of people who revel in all things LANGUAGE.

All I can say is, thank god there are no more character limits!