' Live-Poets Society ' – A Corner For Poetry

[Drew Espinosa]

Thanks everyone for sharing your views. They've really helped me. I think my issue last night was this was the first time I would be posting something remotely about death. Everything before was light, happy, funny, and sometimes serious. I have now learned when to post warnings or not, especially of being reminded of a story I follow on GA. This morning, a chapter was added to Not Made for Each Other and well, this story deals with a lot of dark issues that necessitates a warning. So when I saw the new chapter, it clicked for me on when I should or shouldn't post a warning.

[Aditus]

Oh Adi, not to downplay what you're saying here, but the comment about the main character dying instantly made me think of the Secret Santa story where the old Saint was brutally assassinated by a mad man....a warning there, and I would not have read it. 

Why not?

[AC Benus]

I look around - see this lively forum - and feel wonderful. This is exactly the type of place I envisioned for us poets to talk and help one another out. I love it here!  

[dughlas]

Oh Adi, not to downplay what you're saying here, but the comment about the main character dying instantly made me think of the Secret Santa story where the old Saint was brutally assassinated by a mad man....a warning there, and I would not have read it.

 

I am on agreement with you. The story was well written but I did not enjoy it.

[dughlas]

Why not?

For me because to much of our childhood innocence is lost, to callously steal away a symbol of that innocent time was hurtful. If perhaps all the lead in had not taken me in a happier direction.

Edited January 9, 2016 by dughlas

[AC Benus]

Why not?

Just to stick to themes of warning and content, and not to in anyway be seen disparaging the considerable skill with which the writer achieved his goals, if the story had been titled more descriptively - say

 

"Blood on the Snow,"

"Killing Claus,"

"Santa Must Die,"

"The Grinch who Snuffed Christmas,"

"Pulp Fiction on Ice,"

"The Death of a Salesman II,"

"Die, Fat Bastard! Die!"

 

Then no warning would be warranted, imo. As it is, the assassination was intended to be an upsetting surprise, so I feel a warning might have been in order. 

Edited January 11, 2016 by AC Benus

[AC Benus]

Please take a look at a stunning pair of Blank Verse poems submitted today. I'm please as punch by both of them!

      

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/mikiesboy/timmysjournal/25   

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/jhunterdunn/petersprobationarypoems/3

[J.HunterDunn]

Wow, Drew, it seems you have opened Pandora's box with your question.

 

Maybe it's a cultural difference, but I can't see Santa Claus other than a fictional entity invented to entertain the young and innocent; an entity that got horribly commercialised and thus lost a lot of its attractiveness.

 

When I thought about that Secret Santa story, I saw it as an rightful attack on that aspect of Santa.

The element of surprise, that made an impact on most readers, would have been lost if there had been a warning or warning-like title.

 

Just another opinion.

[Drew Espinosa]

Wow, Drew, it seems you have opened Pandora's box with your question.

 

Maybe it's a cultural difference, but I can't see Santa Claus other than a fictional entity invented to entertain the young and innocent; an entity that got horribly commercialised and thus lost a lot of its attractiveness.

 

When I thought about that Secret Santa story, I saw it as an rightful attack on that aspect of Santa.

The element of surprise, that made an impact on most readers, would have been lost if there had been a warning or warning-like title.

 

Just another opinion.

Hmm... should a separate thread be created on "warnings" posted here in Writer's Corner? Because I don't want this thread bogged down by it. And that way, authors and readers in general can give their thoughts.

 

EDIT: Nevermind, there are already topics discussing warnings.

 

Please take a look at a stunning pair of Blank Verse poems submitted today. I'm please as punch by both of them!

      

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/mikiesboy/timmysjournal/25   

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/story/jhunterdunn/petersprobationarypoems/3

I'll check them out AC!

Edited January 9, 2016 by Drew Espinosa

[Mikiesboy]

I look around - see this lively forum - and feel wonderful. This is exactly the type of place I envisioned for us poets to talk and help one another out. I love it here!  

bloody *&$#&  no likes!!!  

[Parker Owens]

So I worked on a lyric piece while at work. Don't tell my boss. I have two variations, and can't choose between them, or decide if I need to rip some bits out and try again. Opinions, anyone?

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit more so

 

Fanning mem'ry's glowing embers,

flick'ring dim lit rapture.

And the body still remembers

all consuming capture.

 

Or this

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit more so

 

Fanning mem'ry's glowing embers,

flick'ring dim lit fervor;

while the body still remembers

love which measures further.

[Drew Espinosa]

 

So I worked on a lyric piece while at work. Don't tell my boss. I have two variations, and can't choose between them, or decide if I need to rip some bits out and try again. Opinions, anyone?

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit more so

 

Fanning mem'ry's glowing embers,

flick'ring dim lit rapture.

And the body still remembers

all consuming capture.

 

Or this

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit more so

 

Fanning mem'ry's glowing embers,

flick'ring dim lit fervor;

while the body still remembers

love which measures further.

 

I like the second version Parker

[Mikiesboy]

 

So I worked on a lyric piece while at work. Don't tell my boss. I have two variations, and can't choose between them, or decide if I need to rip some bits out and try again. Opinions, anyone?

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit more so

 

Fanning mem'ry's glowing embers,

flick'ring dim lit rapture.

And the body still remembers

all consuming capture.

 

Or this

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit more so

 

Fanning mem'ry's glowing embers,

flick'ring dim lit fervor;

while the body still remembers

love which measures further.

 

I like the first one ... 

[dughlas]

 

So I worked on a lyric piece while at work. Don't tell my boss. I have two variations, and can't choose between them, or decide if I need to rip some bits out and try again. Opinions, anyone?

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit more so

 

Fanning mem'ry's glowing embers,

flick'ring dim lit rapture.

And the body still remembers

all consuming capture.

 

Or this

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit more so

 

Fanning mem'ry's glowing embers,

flick'ring dim lit fervor;

while the body still remembers

love which measures further.

 

 

and I like both ... though I prefer the first.

Edited January 9, 2016 by dughlas

[Puppilull]

I really like the first stanza, especially the gentle - transcendetal.

 

I sort of got stuck on the line 

 

"flick'ring dim lit rapture" 

 

So many consonants my tongue could hardly keep up. Also, I find it distrubs rhythm if you use the same vowel too many times, like in this instance 'I'. So for me the last two lines in the second one works better, but I still find 'flick'ring dim lit' contains too many 'I'. 

 

Just spontaneous from me. 

[Aditus]

I like the first one ... 

Me too.

 

I do have a little problem with 'mem'ry's' though. Could you find another word?

[AC Benus]

Me too.

 

I do have a little problem with 'mem'ry's' though. Could you find another word?

I think with 'mem'ry's' the contraction is there to ensure a two-beat reading of the word, but 'memory's' will 9 times out of 10 be pronounced 'mem-ries' anyway, so I say keep the word but spell it without the contraction.

[J.HunterDunn]

Me too.

 

I do have a little problem with 'mem'ry's' though. Could you find another word?

 

I think with 'mem'ry's' the contraction is there to ensure a two-beat reading of the word, but 'memory's' will 9 times out of 10 be pronounced 'mem-ries' anyway, so I say keep the word but spell it without the contraction.

 

My favourite is the first one.

 

Changing mem'ry's into mem-ries leaves two words (memories and remember) with the same stem in close proximity.

 

Is changing mem'ry's into dormant a suggestion or does that take away from what you want to express?

[dughlas]

My favourite is the first one.

 

Changing mem'ry's into mem-ries leaves two words (memories and remember) with the same stem in close proximity.

 

Is changing mem'ry's into dormant a suggestion or does that take away from what you want to express?

 

I think I would retain memory's rather than using something else, changing it loses to what the embers refer, and later it is the body that remembers a physical sensation not the mind. I think it necessary to retain that differentiation.

[Defiance19]

 

So I worked on a lyric piece while at work. Don't tell my boss. I have two variations, and can't choose between them, or decide if I need to rip some bits out and try again. Opinions, anyone?

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit more so

 

Fanning mem'ry's glowing embers,

flick'ring dim lit rapture.

And the body still remembers

all consuming capture.

 

Or this

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit more so

 

Fanning mem'ry's glowing embers,

flick'ring dim lit fervor;

while the body still remembers

love which measures further.

 

And my two cents.. Both great, love the first..

[Parker Owens]

Dear Live Poets All,

 

From the bottom of my heart, I thank all of you for your input on my lyric verse question.  Here I posted quite tentatively, and went off to work. I came home, and I read your thoughtful responses. I am most grateful for your suggestions. 

 

I get the point of doing something about "flick'ring dim lit..." Though I kind of like the images that phrase brought to mind. Perhaps I'll look for a substitute for flick'ring.

 

Memory's contraction is indeed problematical, and AC has it right that I wanted to maintain the rhythm. So, more drawing board time there. English has over 300,000 words at last count, so perhaps I'll find one lurking in a corner someplace. Later.

 

No mem'ry flickers now tonight,

for slumber puts all thought to flight.

Before the fire glows old and red,

I'll dim the lights and go to bed.

 

Many thanks, and good night, everyone. 

[AC Benus]

Dear Live Poets All,

 

From the bottom of my heart, I thank all of you for your input on my lyric verse question.  Here I posted quite tentatively, and went off to work. I came home, and I read your thoughtful responses. I am most grateful for your suggestions. 

 

I get the point of doing something about "flick'ring dim lit..." Though I kind of like the images that phrase brought to mind. Perhaps I'll look for a substitute for flick'ring.

 

Memory's contraction is indeed problematical, and AC has it right that I wanted to maintain the rhythm. So, more drawing board time there. English has over 300,000 words at last count, so perhaps I'll find one lurking in a corner someplace. Later.

 

No mem'ry flickers now tonight,

for slumber puts all thought to flight.

Before the fire glows old and red,

I'll dim the lights and go to bed.

 

Many thanks, and good night, everyone. 

Sweet dreams, Parker

[Doctor Oger]

Probably too late now (cursed time difference), but anyway: I like your first version better. The "capture" verse sounds more intense than the "further" verse. The only things to stumble over there are all those apostrophes, and as has been mentioned, at least the one in "memory" isn't necessary at all, and I'd even argue that you don't need the one in "flicker" either, because similar to the o in memory, the e in flickering is often partly swallowed when speaking it anyway, and your rhythm pretty much does the rest.

[Parker Owens]

Good morning, everyone...so I have gathered so thoughts, and meditated on your responses during the sermon in church (don't tell the pastor).  I am coming to the idea that I like version 1 best, because of the capture-rapture rhyme, more than anything else. I really do like the sentiment in version 2 however.  I experimented with some word replacements in order to deal with the flick'ring mem'ry's issues. So now you get the benefit of my Sunday thoughts...

 

current iterations -

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit; more so

 

Fanning vision's glowing embers,

gleaming dim lit rapture.

And the body still remembers

all consuming capture.

 

Or this

 

Warmth and comfort, arms so gentle

wrapped around my torso;

scent familiar, transcendental,

fills my spirit; more so

 

Fanning vision's glowing embers,

gleaming dim lit fervor;

while the body still remembers

love which measures further.

 

 

now what?

[Aditus]

I vote for the first. It has more...verve? rapture/capture The replacements of mem'ries etc are well chosen.