Tales of the Underground: Blinded - 43. Baby Steps

| Riley |

It’s easy to feel like I’m falling back into bad habits. Getting into fights and buying weed, but at the end of the day I’m proud of how I handled everything today. Trey needed to be shut up, and the weed, well I needed something to calm my head. I even said that to Carter at lunch! Old Riley would’ve fucked it up so much more. He would’ve pick pocketed the weed without Curtis knowing, or thrown an elbow on Trey. One step at a time, that’s how I’m taking it.

“You’re quiet.” Carter remarked as we began the short drive home.

“I’m tired.” I complained in a grown.

“Already?” He smiled. “It’s only five, the night’s just starting.”

I let out a long groan and sank in my seat. “Aaron’s alarm goes off at six in the morning. We don’t even leave until like, seven-thirty.”

“Poor you.” Carter teased. “Maybe if you learned to drive for yourself you could control what time you leave.”

“I could.” I realized as I sat back up. “I could get my license like, next week.”

“I don’t think you could do it that fast.” Carter laughed as I woke back up. “But something like that.”

“Then I could drive you aroun.” I offered, as he rolled his eyes and kept his focus on the road. “What, you don’t trust me?”

“Nope.” He quickly answered, not pulling any punches. “I actually kind of regret suggesting it already.”

“I’ll be fine.” I clicked my tongue. “Can’t be any worse than Nancy.”

“She’s not that bad.” He lied glancing towards me then back to the road.

“She’s run over our mailbox like four times since I first moved in.” I argued, as he let out a laugh.

“Even more of a reason for you not to get it.” Carter shook his head. “Your house can only handle one bad driver at a time.”

“I ain’t gonna be a bad driver, you’ll be beggin to get into my car.” I warned as he shook his head. “And maybe you’ll let me try out yours.”

“No.” He shot down before the words could even soak the air. “You’re never getting behind the wheel of this car.”

“Just once?” I asked, trying to draw eye contact.

“Never.” He quickly answered once more. “Ne-ver, Riley Walker.”

“Why not?” I whined as we pulled onto my street.

“Because this is my baby.” He began. “I’ve been dreaming of this car ever since I knew what a Maserati was, and there is no way in hell I’m letting you whip it around Chicago.”

“Okay, but what if,”

“No.” He quickly cut off.

“You didn even,”

“No.” He repeated. “I don’t care if I’m bleeding out, and need to get to a hospital. I’ll find the strength to drive myself.”

“That’s cold.” I shook my head, and stared out the window.

“Don’t act like you wouldn’t do stupid shit.” He warned as I felt his hand lightly push me.

“It wouldn be stupid.” I defended in a giggle. “It’d be exciting.”

“Yeah, well let’s see you do exciting shit with your own car.” He shrugged before realizing what he had said. “On second thought,”

“Nope, you can’t take that back.” I teased as he pulled into my driveway.

“Riley, I”

“Nah, you already said it.” I began once more. “First thing I’m gonna do when I get my license is put on a show for you.”

“Now I’m definitely not getting in a car with you.” He giggled as he threw the car into park. We both delayed as our eyes connected. We let the silence do the talking and just observed one another, until finally he leaned in and landed a kiss on my lips. “I think this is your stop.” He finally exhaled as I pulled away.

“You’re not gonna hang out?” I asked in a groan.

“Can’t.” He shrugged. “Too much homework.”

“I could help you.” I quickly offered.

“That’s sweet of you, but you barely do your own homework.” He smiled. “You can come over later this week.”

“Fine.” I grumbled, slowly pushing the door open. “But don’t be invitin Trey, Aaron or Noah.”

“Wasn’t planning on it.” He shrugged. “I need a day alone with my boyfriend after all.”

“Alone?” I asked as a devious grin crossed my face.

“Yup, I’d say you haven’t been fully welcomed home yet.” He explained as my smile spread to his face.

“I don’t think I have either.” I smirked as I finally shut the door behind me.

“Friday.” He announced as he rolled down his window.

“Can we make it Wednesday?” I groaned, slowing how fast I had been walking.

“Friday.” He repeated in a laugh.

“Tuesday?” I asked with a growing smile. He rolled his eyes and began to roll up his window once more. “Tonight?” I teased. “You could go drive around the block and I,”

“Riley.” He sighed, trying his hardest to fake disappointment.

“You know you considered it.” I shrugged, finally walking again. “I love you.”

“Love you too.” He exhaled. “And for the record, I did consider it.”

I felt my smirk grow wider as I heard the roar of his car pull out of the other side of the driveway. Say what you want about him, say that he’s a perfect student and a goody two shoes, but when he wants, well he can get just as devious as me. He knows how to play both sides of the coin, and he does it without anyone noticing.

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“Riley?” Mom called out as she heard the front door open and shut.

“What’s up?” I yelled back, hoping to just sneak up to my room.

“Go get washed up, we’re going out for dinner.” She announced as I began to climb the steps.

I let out a short groan and leaned over the railing. “Can I stay home?” I asked into the open air. “I don’t feel well.”

“Why don’t you feel well?” She quickly replied as I heard her rushing to the front of the house. “What’s bothering you?”

“I’m just tired.” I complained as she finally came into view. “And I got a headache and all.”

“I knew throwing you right back into everything wouldn’t end well!” She complained to herself. “I guess we’ll just order,”

“Nah, don’t do that just cause of me.” I quickly interrupted. “You probably already told Tak and Aaron, they deserve to go out.”

“That’s very mature of you Riley.” She smiled as our eyes connected. “You sure you’ll be okay staying home alone?”

“Just fine.” I quickly nodded. “I’ll probably just take a nap then do homework, plus we got leftovers in the fridge.”

A smile grew on her face as she nodded her head. “Such a sweet boy.” She remarked causing a blush to invade my cheeks. “You don’t even want us to bring you something home?”

“I don’t think so.” I shrugged. “I’ll text you guys if I change my mind.”

“Okay,” She accepted as I began to climb the stairs again. “I love you Riley.”

“Ma.” I grumbled, slightly turning back to look at her.

“I know, I know,” She smiled as she rushed back to the kitchen.

“Mama’s boy.” Aaron complained as I reached the top of the steps.

“Yeah? And who asked you to listen in on us?” I asked but got nothing back. “That’s what I thought.”

“What happened with you and Carter today?” He prodded as I walked past him and towards our room. “Does it have to do with what happened with Trey?”

I clicked my tongue and turned back towards our doorway. “Ma!” I called out. “Aaron won’t leave me alone.”

“Aaron!” The voice of our mother quickly filled the house. “Give your brother some space! He doesn’t feel well!”

“You don’t feel well?” Aaron asked, not buying a word of it. “Are you sneaking Carter in later?”

“What?” I asked, shooting him a stupefied look. “If I wanted Carter over, he’d be over right now.”

“Whatever you say.” Aaron rolled his eyes. “But you’re planning something.”

“Am not.” I rejected, jumping onto my bed. “I just have a headache, damn.”

“For someone with a headache you sure are talking a lot.” Aaron observed, watching me closely.

“Cause you talkin to me.” I laughed as I stared at him. “What are you even sayin?” I asked as I began to laugh harder.

“I don’t know,” Aaron shrugged. “I just know that look on your face. You’re up to something.”

“I’m always up to something.” I dismissed. “Now I just want to take a nap, hop off my dick already.”

“Now that sounds like Riley.” He sighed, finally heading towards the door. “I guess if you need anything just text one of us.”

“Word.” I nodded closing my eyes and finally hearing the door shut behind him.

There was some shouting and rumbling from downstairs as everyone got ready, but before I knew it I heard one of the cars outside roar to life and begin to pull away. I pulled the plastic bag out of my backpack and took a long look at the green nuggets within. It’s so crazy to me that these small leaves could cause such a big problem.

I threw the bag onto the desk besides me before pulling out my phone and texting Carter. I could feel his reluctance fade as I told him I was home alone, but pretty soon his good boy instincts kicked back in and he refused to leave his house. With a deep sigh I pulled out the small package of rolling papers and took another look at the nuggets on the counter. Well, If I have like two hours alone to kill.

Before I knew it I was slowly picking apart the weed and placing it onto the thin paper. Memories of rolling for the saints flashed in my mind as I recalled all the time I had spent mastering the process. It sounds stupid, but weed really did calm everyone down, and if you were the best roller, well you got to smoke with everyone. Pretty soon it was spend my nights smoking with the guys, or take my chances making runs in the dark of night. I may not have been a genius, but even then the choice was easy for me.

Like riding a bicycle, I never forgot the process. Turn an index card into a filter, throw it in with the weed and roll. The only problem I really encountered was finding a lighter! But pretty soon I found a pack of matches along with the birthday candles. And just like that, well I was back to something I enjoyed.

I cranked the window open in my room and laid in bed as I took hit after hit. Soon enough I felt my racing thoughts finally beginning to fade. I know this isn’t the healthiest thing in the world, but right now, it’s all I got to silence everything. Besides, it’s just weed! Ain’t nothing bad going to happen!

The music playing in my room was all I could focus on as I reached the end of the small cigarette. I’ve been hiding from it, but I am happy to be home. Maybe it took smoking to realize it, but this really is where I want to be. Fucking with Aaron and Noah, hanging out with Carter, and even getting to spend time with my parents and Tak. It sounds so small, but that’s what I want. At least, that’s what I think I want!

Time must’ve slipped away from me because suddenly I heard a car pulling back into our driveway. I jumped to my feet and quickly threw all my shit into a nearby drawer I knew no one used. No one should smell that right? Eh, fuck it. Not like any of them would know what it is anyway. Except for Tak, but he knows better than to open his mouth.

“Hey,” Aaron began as he pulled our door open. “We brought you back some Burger King.” I nodded my head and slowly took the bag from his hand. “Everything okay? You look kind of pale.”

“I told you, I don’t feel well.” I muttered, taking a seat on my bed and starting to dig into the bag. “I just woke back up.”

“You slept for almost two hours?” Aaron gasped. “Geez, you might actually be sick!”

“I ain’t sick.” I rejected. “I’m just tired. I need my license so I don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn with you.”

“Good luck with that.” Aaron laughed. “Mom will never let you get your license.”

“We’ll see about that.” I rolled my eyes.

Aaron shrugged before taking a few steps closer. “Do you smell that?”

“Smell what?” I groaned, starting to lay back as I ate.

“I don’t know,” He shrugged. “It just smells funny in here.”

“I had practice and haven’t showered yet.” I let out, knowing it would distract him.

“You’re so disgusting!” He shouted, grabbing a few books off his desk. “Now I have to go study downstairs!”

“Sorry bro.” I exhaled as he headed towards the door.

“No you’re not.” He shook his head.

“I’m not.” I confirmed in a laugh.

“It’s so good to have you home.” He rolled his eyes, but I could tell he meant it.

They need someone like me to come in and flip the script. They need someone to constantly push the boundaries and show them a good time. Who knows, maybe this time next month I’ll even be sharing a joint with Aaron! Okay, maybe that’s a little crazy to think! Even for me!

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That night I slept like a baby. No dreams to haunt me. No anxious thoughts to keep me awake. Just a comfortable numb that came with the comedown from my high. Damn, I really could get used to this.

Compared to the night before, the next day was a whirlwind. It was like getting thrown right back into the belly of the beast. Teachers expected me to catch up on missed work as if I had just taken a vacation. While Coach pushed for me to learn all the new plays they had come up with while I was gone. There were a few moments where I tried to slip away and hang out with Carter, but for the most part I was stuck working.

“Riley!” I heard my Mom call out from her car as Carter and I were finally set free from practice. “Come on! We’re going to be late!”

“What?” I asked, looking from Carter to her.

“You have your doctor today, I told you that this morning.” She explained drawing a groan from me.

“I’m tired.” I complained. “Can’t we reschedule?”

“She drove all the way here to get you.” Carter warned. “Go to your doctor, it’ll be over before you know it.”

I let out another long groan before walking towards her car. “Love you.” Carter exhaled as he approached his own car.

I stayed quiet as my Mom watched me. “Riley.” She lectured in a whisper, causing Carter to giggle.

“I love you.” I forced out in a patronizing voice.

“I’ll take it.” He shrugged as he jumped in his car.

“Riley,” Mom began as I stepped in. “You shouldn’t take him for granted like that.”

“He knows I’m playing around.” I grumbled, as we finally pulled out of the lot. “What doctor is it today?”

“Your therapist.” She happily nodded. “Then your eye doctor is on Thursday.”

“I don’t need an eye doctor.” I pouted, staring out of the window.

“Look in a mirror and tell yourself that.” She dismissed, not daring to play any of my games.

“Damn.” I remarked as my head fell against the window.

The ride grew quiet as she turned up the radio. I know I agreed to therapy, but damn, that doesn’t mean I actually want to go. I guess the therapy at rehab helped, but it also brought everything to the surface. It’s made me impulsive, and that’s something I’ve never really wanted to become.

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When we finally arrived at the office I couldn’t help but fall quiet. They tried so hard to make the place feel warm and inviting, but no matter what they couldn’t disguise what it truly was. Corny clichés and motivational posters lined the walls, only feeding my pessimistic mind more and more.

“Riley Walker.” A man called out as he peeked his head out of his office.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Mom offered as I rose to my feet.

“No.” I quickly shook my head.

“She can come in if you want.” The man offered.

“I’m good.” I rejected, finally reaching the door.

“Okay.” He nodded, stepping aside and letting me in. “My name is Dr. Scott Brown, but you can just call me Scott.” I nodded but stayed quiet as he shut the door. “Please, have a seat and get comfortable.” He offered as he walked around to his desk. “I understand you were a resident at the St. Joseph’s Center.”

“Yeah.” I nodded as the room fell quiet.

“You must be relieved to be back home.” He offered, but once more I stayed quiet. “You received a diagnosis of complex post-traumatic stress disorder and stress response syndrome, better known as situational depression, correct?”

“Guess so.” I shrugged as silence filled the air once more.

“You don’t have to be ashamed of your diagnosis.” Scott offered. “You’ve lived a hard life. It’s a miracle that’s all you walked away with.” He swayed his lips as I grew silent once more. “So how’s the transition going? Your mother told me you’re very involved at school. Varsity athlete and all.”

“Good.” I lied, staring straight ahead.

“Ready for the NBA playoffs to start?” He offered, trying his hardest to connect with me. “I noticed you’re wearing Jordans. I’ve got a similar pair, but I can’t really wear them while I’m working.” I narrowed in my eyes and stared at him.

“I’m serious.” He shrugged, reaching down and digging into a nearby bag. “I meet up with some friends from college every other night and play some basketball.” He explained, showing me a pair of neatly kept Jordans. “Although, I’ve lost a step or two since my younger days.”

“Those are the Drake ones.” I observed, noticing the small owl on the side.

“My favorite Rapper.” Scott said as he put them back into his nearby bag. “What about this, since it’s your first session, we can just get to know one another. No catches. No bullshitting one another. Just, talking.”

I nodded my head as I slowly began to warm up to the idea. “So what position do you play?” Scott asked.

“Point Guard.” I answered in a nod.

“Interesting.” He remarked. “I would’ve thought you as more of a shooting guard.”

“Nah, my friend Carter does that.” I explained.

“That’s pretty cool.” He nodded. “You guys have good chemistry?”

I couldn’t help but snicker at the question. “We’re dating.”

“Well that’s pretty exciting.” He supported. “I wish my wife liked basketball.”

“It’s pretty cool.” I agreed. “What about you? What do you play?”

“Small forward.” He quickly answered. “I always wanted to be like Mike.”

“Jordan?” I asked as he nodded his head once more. “You a bulls fan?”

“Of course,” He laughed, as he finally got me to start talking. “I’m from Chicago, aren’t I?”

“That’s what I’m sayin.” I shook my head. “My boyfriend is so stubborn bout it. He’s always pretendin not to be a bulls fan, but I know he is.”

Scott let out a small laugh as he thought it over. “Sounds like he’s very important to you.”

“We just spend a lot of time together is all.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“Well then you definitely must be excited to be home.” He led, seeing if I would take the bait or not.

“Yeah.” I nodded once more. “It’s good just to see him again. He’s the only person who can keep up with me.”

“What do you mean by that?” Scott asked with a tilted head.

“He just knows how to predict me, and calls me on my crap.” I explained. “It’s like he’s always two steps ahead of me.”

“And you like that?” He provoked.

“It’s nice.” I said as I thought it over. “It’s someone to keep up with.”

“Is anyone in your family like that?” He dug, excited that he was finally starting to break through.

“My mom.” I shrugged. “And I guess my little brother a bit, but he’s still just a kid.”

“Is it nice having a mom that can keep up with you?” He inquired, watching me closely. “When I was your age I think that would drive me crazy.”

“It keeps me on my toes.” I replied, as my mind shifted to her.

“It actually must be kind of nice.” He began once more. “Knowing that she can always understand what’s going on and keep you safe. You do feel safe around her?”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “She’s pretty dope.”

“Do you tell her that?”

“Sometimes.” I swayed my head. “But she gets all crazy with it, so I try not to do it too often.”

“You sound like a pretty lucky kid Riley.” He analyzed. “Sounds like you have a really caring boyfriend, and a Mom that wants what’s best for you.”

“Guess so.” I exhaled.

“And how’s school been so far?” He pressured. “Do you have friends there?”

“It’s been alright.” I answered. “I usually just hang out with my boyfriend, brother and our friend.”

“Sounds like you enjoy being part of a small group.” He observed.

“Yeah.” I agreed. “It’s nice that way. I mean, I got kids that try and talk to me during class, but I ignore it.”

“And why’s that?”

“They just want to be friends with a basketball player, or ex-gang member.” I mumbled. “And I don’t mess with people like that.”

“Ex-gang member?” He repeated, but I could tell he already knew about my past. “What gang would that be?”

“Saints.” I humored him.

“Must’ve been intense being in a gang at such a young age.” He evaluated, keeping his eyes on mine. “Is that where the tattoos and scars are from.”

“Yeah.” I replied, not daring to go any further.

He nodded his head, and quickly wrote something down. “Well that’s about all we have for today. Do you have any questions?”

“That’s it?” I asked, not sure if he was kidding or not.

“Yeah.” He nodded his head. “That was thirty minutes. I understand you have a lot going on, so we’re going to keep our appointments on the shorter side if that’s okay with you.”

“That’s fine.” I quickly nodded my head. “You gonna play with my medicine at all?”

“No.” He shook his head. “We’re just going to keep you on the treatment for PTSD, sound good?”

“Yeah.” I nodded once more, as we both rose to our feet.

I’m not sure how he did it, but he actually managed to make me comfortable. He actually seems like someone I could get used to talking to. My doctors at rehab were alright, but I just couldn’t relate to them at all. There were older and didn’t really care that me and Eli just wanted to be teenagers. But Scott, he seems different than that. He seems like he actually wants to help, and who knows, maybe I’ll actually let him.