I Hate This Town - 24. Chapter 24: Epiphany

“Let’s talk about that Alec. You have repeatedly said you run when things get too hard. We’ve frequently discussed your inability to break free from your own mind and the silent abuse you inflict upon yourself. Why do you think you broke down and made the decisions you made this morning?” His doctor’s voice had been calm and even. Encouraging even.

Alec lay on his back in the hotel bed. He’d dried his tears a long time ago and had been waiting for his appointment all morning. Something in him had snapped when Finn left the room. Finn left him again. The difference is that he’d always thought he was the victim. He’d revictimized himself countless times and he’d been too far in his head to notice. He rolled onto his side and then scooted over. The sheets smelled like Finn’s cologne and sweat. Alec squeezed his eyes closed and gripped the blankets. He was so stupid. He’d been dumb from the moment he saw Finn in that bar.

Finn wasn’t perfect. No one was, but Alec had done nothing to prove he’d stabilized. He’d been ready to show his hometown how different he was, but upon landing, he reverted to the shitty teenager. Everyone deserved more. He’d been running his whole life. From himself more than anything else. He’d made a life for himself. He’d done well, but he’d live the whole time with a crippling loneliness slithering just under the surface. He’d worked feeling sorry for himself into a fine art and he scoffed softly.

Knocks at his door forced him from the bed and all it’s Finn smells. He opened his door and River burst in. Kenji trailed slowly after him, hair not styled and damp.

“Okay! Tell me everything! You fucking snake? I go out for my bi-hourly dose of cancer and you just fucking leave with your soulmate! What the hell!” River locked a clearly annoyed look on Alec who sunk back down on the edge of the bed.

“River, it’s ten am. The yelling.” Kenji murmured, sitting in the accent chair facing the bed.

“You, sit down and shut up or go back to the room. You’re not the boss of me and I have business to take care of!” River glared at Kenji.

The man raised a single eyebrow, “Oh, really now?”

“Anyway, you!” River whipped back around eyes blazing.

“We had sex. For a long time.” Alec shrugged as he looked up at his friend, “Then I messed it up.”

Alec’s attention drifted to Kenji who was in the middle of rolling his eyes, “I’m sorry, complete stranger. Did you have something to say?”

“You acknowledge that you messed up whatever is going on between you two. If that’s the case, then fix it. Why the dramatics?” He rolled the sleeves of his eggplant purple button down up, regarding Alec cooly.

“Kenji! Stop he-“

“You’re completely right. I’ve been whining about everything.”

“If you wish for something to change, change it.” Ken shrugged, not swayed by River sending him another dirty look.

“Right again. I’m going to try.” Alec sighed and ran fingers through his hair, “I want to fix it, but River I need your help.”

“Always man. Anything.” River had calmed down and came to sit next to Alec.

“I need help with logistics I guess you could say.”

River’s eyes practically sparkled, “If this is going where I think, I’m stoked. You know who’s disgustingly good at planning and logistics?”

Alec followed River’s eyes to the man in the corner, “I suppose. What do you need?”

Alec glanced back at River and paused for a moment. There was a velvet choker around his neck that came together in the center of his neck with a pretty, small lock. Alec narrowed his eyes and River grinned and shrugged.

It was colder today for some reason. He knocked on the door and waited, wishing he’d brought a hoodie or something. He fidgeted as he waited. The door swung open and the smile on Milo’s face dropped fast. Alec gave a nervous little wave as the other man looked down at him. Milo stood, squarely blocking the door, a troubled expression on his face.

“Listen Alec, I like you, but I think you need to distance yourself from our family. It’s not that we hate you, but shit man, you’ve done a number on my brother twice now. Granted Finn’s stupid too, but I don’t know.” Milo let out a frustrated sigh and raked his fingers through his hair in a nervous habit that had to be hereditary.

“I know. I messed up. Is he here?” Alec asked, afraid to raise his voice.

“No. He went to his own house.” Milo crossed his arms. Alec was scared the man knew where the conversation was going and didn’t like it.

“Can-Can I have his address?”

Milo groaned and thumped his head against the doorframe, “Kid, I want to help. I really do, but I have to think about Finn’s well-being and I…I don’t know if you’re good for him.”

Alec knew it was fair. It was probably true. It still hurt. Being called out was rarely fun after all. He swallowed hard and stood his ground. Words weren’t going to deter him. God knew he’d been using them his whole life to keep himself from happiness. It was ridiculous. Words were just words. They weren’t some kind of insurmountable barrier that kept him from the things he truly wanted. He looked up at Milo and the look on his face made the other man raise his eyebrows.

“I know all that. I get it. You’re totally right to be cautious. I would be too in your situation. Milo, this is the first time I’ve tried. I need to talk to him. Even if he turns me away in the end, I have to lay it all out there.” Alec’s hands clenched into fists to keep them from shaking as Milo studied him.

“Jesus, Milo, how can you say no to that!” Nina appeared around him and held out a small slip of paper, “He was supposed to work today, but he called in so he should be home.”

“Thank you. Both of you.” Alec smiled up at them and turned to go. He stopped himself, taking a breath before facing them again. Nina smiled and Milo’s head tilted to the side, “Thank you for how kind you’ve been. You both and your family have given me a taste of something I never experienced. I can’t explain how important it was for me to see how things can be. I just didn’t have enough sense to acknowledge it earlier.”

Nina rushed forward and Alec stiffened when she hugged him tight. Milo just shook his head, grinning at Alec over his wife’s shoulder. Nina stepped back, “Alec, even if things between you and Finn don’t work, you’ll always have us. No matter what that dork says.”

The drive wasn’t long, but it gave Alec entirely too much time to think. He knew without a doubt that he was making the right choices. If Finn slammed the door in his face or wouldn’t even answer it, that was fair. It would hurt, but the blond would be justified. He drove slowly but arrived at a cute neighborhood far faster than he wanted. He watched the house numbers and slowed to a stop when he reached the right one. It was a ranch style home. Not extravagant by any means. It was probably a third of the size of Alec’s apartment and the aesthetic was vastly different. Alec smiled to himself.

He loved it.

It was a slate blue with a freshly stained orange toned deck and white curtains covering the windows. Finn’s red truck sat in the driveway and Alec smirked at the swing set off to the side in front of a neat row of shrubs. He stopped at the end of the sidewalk and took a deep breath. Every step forward was a struggle, but Alec had to keep going. He reached the white front door and hesitated. He bit his lip, allowing himself another breath before he knocked. Three, quick taps that echoed in his brain. It was desperately trying to force him into a panic. That was the nature of his mental illness unfortunately. It was far easier to scare yourself with everything that could happen and just give up. It was easier to give in when his brain told him he didn’t deserve anything Finn had to offer. He didn’t deserve to be happy. He had to continue the vicious, painful cycle where he pushed everything away that might hurt.

He couldn’t listen to his thoughts. They were a constant deterrent and Alec was already struggling. It was hard to keep himself on the steps. It had been hard to talk to his therapist. River and Kenji had been easier, but then Milo had almost made him turn tail and run. He hadn’t. Alec had stood his ground and now he was making himself stand in front of the door that closed off a potential world of hurt. That was the thing though. It could also reveal everything he’d ever wanted but denied himself.

Alec had been running from the jump. He ran from his parents, he ran from his town, he ran from the only man he’d ever really loved. He was so tired. He couldn’t do it anymore. He needed to let himself settle. He wasn’t sure where that would happen, but he wanted it. Alec wanted someone to care for and vice versa. He wanted to wake up to the same person every day and share a life. He’d been missing genuine intimacy for years and he wanted it with the person who’d taught him what it was in the first place. The only issue was whether or not he’d done too much damage.

If Finn didn’t want him anymore, he wasn’t sure what he’d do. It would hurt. It would break him down for a while, but if he’d learned anything, it was that he was way more resilient than he thought. He’d survived everything up until now. Even his own mind somehow! As much as he irritated others with his negativity, his flakiness, his cowardice, it bothered him more than any of them could ever imagine. His brain wasn’t wired the way it should have been. He didn’t think the way others did. Even River couldn’t fully understand. That was the thing. The piece he’d been missing. It didn’t fucking matter if anyone else understood him. He knew what he fought every day just to function and he was the only one who did. He wasn’t weak. No matter what anyone thought.

When the door opened, Alec jumped. He’d been so lost in his mental pep talk that he’d almost forgot what he was doing. Seeing Finn on the other side quickly reminded him. Finn’s hair was wet and he was wearing a loose tank top and basketball shorts. Something furry was struggling to get past his legs and he gently nudged it backwards, frowning at Alec.

“What are you doing here?”

Alec brushed his bangs off his forehead, “Can we talk?”

Finn sighed and his grip tightened on the door, “I’m positive that we did enough talking the last two days. I’m tired Alec. I can’t do this anymore.”

He started to close the door and Alec basically shouted in his face, “Please just hear me out! I know I don’t deserve it! You don’t even have to talk! You can just listen and if you don’t like what I say, you can kick me out!”

Finn let out a frustrated noise and rubbed his cheek hard and then peered down at Alec, “God. Fine. Just get in here before Herky gets out.”

Alec shuffled in and was ambushed by a fluffy St. Bernard with an excess of drool. The dog rose onto its back legs and rested his paws on Alec’s shoulders to better lick his face. Alec sputtered and laughed. The door shut, “Get down! You know you’re not supposed to jump!”

Alec exchanged a sympathetic look with the dog as it trotted away and flopped into a dog bed that was raised off the ground on wooden legs. It even had the dog’s name carved into it. The cushion the dog sat in was navy blue and he panted, looking longingly at Alec. He’d entered into the living room. There was a large navy sectional with orange decorative pillows, a nice wood coffee table with glass inlaid, and a huge TV. Alec had to keep himself from laughing. The thing was almost comically huge.

“Uh, take a seat. I don’t really have much to drink other than water. I don’t drink anything else at home.” Finn shrugged, grabbing an electric blue shaker bottle off the table. He gave it a few shakes and uncapped it before chugging however much was left of the contents. Alec lowered himself onto the closest seat, which happened to be the couch’s chaise lounge. Finn set the bottle back down and walked around the room to sit on the part of the couch farthest from Alec. Undeterred, Alec looked around at the family photos sporadically place around the room. It was like a timeline. The first was a senior pic. Finn wore his football getup. He was smiling one of those smiles. Alec fidgeted with his fingers in his lap. There was one of Finn with nearly shoulder-length hair, smiling with his arm around Milo’s shoulder. The older Larson sat in a wheelchair and there was a noticeable edge to his smile. He had pronounced bags under his eyes and was far thinner than Alec had ever seen him. He forced his eyes to the next photo. It was a family one. Nina included. She had her arms around Milo’s waist and the group had stood strategically so you almost couldn’t even see the crutches that held him up. Milo’s smile was closed lip this time and tight. The next was the family around the family dinner table. Milo was smiling for real this time, his arm around a very pregnant Nina. Finn was standing next to her, face twisted in an exaggerated shocked expression and he motioned to Nina’s belly. Their parents were laughing.

Alec’s heart ached a little. There were pictures of Finn holding Gracie, his face sunburned and his shaggy hair covered with a backwards baseball cap. The next was Finn and Milo standing in front of their gym. There was a group of smiling, athletic-looking people behind them that appeared to be cheering. Then came the first picture Alec had seen of Grace. The one where she was on Finn’s knee. There were so many pictures that Alec was overwhelmed. What was this like? No wonder Finn had refused to leave. What he had here was more important than anything Alec could offer him in Washington.

“Uh, are you going to talk? I was going to go to the gym.” Finn said quietly. It then occurred to Alec that he’d been looking around the room for an inappropriate amount of time.

“Oh sorry. It’s just nice seeing evidence of how good things are for you.” Alec smiled and nervously pushed his bangs off his forehead.

“Thanks, I guess.” Finn’s voice was humorless, his normal smile missing.

There was a picture of the football team on his TV stand and Alec chewed the inside of his cheek, “Do you talk to anyone from high school?”

“That really what you came here to ask? Alright, no. I don’t. There were a couple that acted like me liking guys wasn’t a problem. It took me a while to figure out that they were the ones that talked the most about me behind my back. Made me out to be some sexual deviant that was going to corner them in the locker room or something. As if I hadn’t already proved that none of them did anything for me. I’d been in locker rooms with a lot of them for my whole athletic life and not once did I make a move. Doesn’t matter though.” Finn shrugged as if he didn’t care, but his voice was filled with justified bitterness.

“I can’t imagine how hard that was.” Alec looked down at his hands and then back over at Finn, “And you came out because of me.”

Finn shrugged again, “I’ve never been ashamed of who I am and I was never ashamed of my feelings for you. I loved you. To my young, dumb ass that was enough. I would’ve done anything for you.”

“I know. No one’s ever treated me the way you did. A teenager was a better partner than any adult man I’ve ever met. Well, maybe not all of them.” Alec looked down again, smiling softly.

“I can’t do this. I can’t play these mind games with you. You were right Alec, last night was a bad idea and we should’ve never gone through with it.” Finn’s voice was getting angrier the more he spoke and Alec couldn’t blame him.

“I’m not playing games.” Alec said, gripping his jeans as he made himself look at Finn again, “I came…I came here because I wanted to try and fix what I broke. Again.”

Finn stared at him for a long time, jaw clenched tight. Herky whined and Finn looked away, staring at the TV’s black screen. Alec didn’t know what to do or say. He didn’t know if anything he did would be right in that moment. Finn could be getting ready to throw him out, or maybe swear him out the door. Alec couldn’t tell where the blond’s mind was at. That was rare, he had a hard time reading people. It was why he was constantly watching them, trying to spot any differences. It usually didn’t matter.

“Why now? You were pretty set on leaving things the way they were yesterday before we…yeah.” Finn rubbed the back of his neck, sighing.

“A lot of things clicked for me when you left. It hurt. I don’t want either of us to be hurt like that ever again.” Alec turned his body more to face Finn.

“Cool. How do you plan to keep it from happening then? Cause I’m fresh out of motivation and you’re out of chances.”

Me defending my mentally ill, socially stunted MC