Make us laugh!

[tomon]

http://www.newground...tal/view/495903

 

"That game is soooo ESEY! How is this an RPG anyways?! All you have to do is push one BUTTEN!"

[paya]

How to fight late returning of the books:

 

 

 

[JamesSavik]

[Cia]

Well... just cause I have it.

[GuiltyPleasures]

[Zeoanne]

I swear, if you don't laugh at these you're dead!!!

For those of you too young to know about this game (Hollywood Squares) Google it so you can see how it went.

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)


Q . Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

[Zeoanne]

The Sneeze

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an

airplane..

 

The woman sneezed, took

out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen

seconds.

 

The man went back to his

reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

 

Assuming that the woman might have

a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

 

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.

 

Are you OK?"

 

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

 

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.

"I have never heard of that condition before" he said.

 

"Are you taking anything for it?"

 

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

[Zeoanne]

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

 

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then with a towel, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

 

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

(And what were YOU thinking???)

[MikeL]

[MikeL]

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

[Cyhort]

 

 

 

 

 

[JamesSavik]

Kitty Porn. Just Say NO.

 

< you...beast!

 

< LOL. I left the door unlocked.

[Zeoanne]

Lemon Squeeze

 

 

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

 

 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

 

 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

 

 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

 

 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.

[Zeoanne]

Life on a farm

 

 

A young boy comes down for breakfast.

 

Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores.

 

 

"Not yet," said the little boy.

 

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

 

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.

 

When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.

 

When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

 

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

 

How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

 

Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

 

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

 

 

 

 

[Bumblebee]

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

 

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

 

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

 

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! What you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

 

A Lucky Man

A man goes to the doctor feeling very ill. The doctor checks him over

and says,

“I'm Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty

virus. It's called Yellow 24, because it turns your blood yellow and

you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure, so just

go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.”

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the bad news. Distraught, she

asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been

there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners

and wins £50.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £350.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that as well - winning

£400,000!

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, “Son, I've been here 20

years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full

house and the National Game on the same card. You must be the luckiest

man on Earth!”

“Lucky?” the bloke screams, “Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow

24.”

“F*** me,” says the bingo caller, “You've won the raffle as well!”

Edited January 22, 2011 by Bumblebee

[MikeL]

Can you believe this? Here's the latest in reading for toddlers:

 

[Bumblebee]

When a you can't stand the talking anymore !

Edited January 23, 2011 by Bumblebee

[Zolia Lily]

Ok- here it is.

My secret to tears of laughter, being unable to breathe, and painful ribs...

generally it only takes me a few pages.....

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

 

also fun : http://funnyreceipts.com/

 

Also not bad at all : http://whydidyoubuymethat.com/

 

but the first one is the best.

Almost actually worth buying an iPhone for it......

[Zolia Lily]

and also this : http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/10/god-of-cake.html

Hyperbole and a Half is possibly the funniest human in the world.

 

 

 

[paya]

[MikeL]

[JamesSavik]

[Zeoanne]

My wife and I were at home watching TV. I had the remote And was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For God's sake, leave it on the porn channel! You already Know how to fish!"

[Bumblebee]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2030 AUSTRALIA

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Little India , formerly known as Australia .

Tasmania executes last remaining Greenie.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Australia 's third language.

 

Children from 2 parent hetrosexual families bullied in schools for being 'different'. Tolerance urged.

 

Gay Marriages now overtake hetrosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice.

 

Kookaburra and platypus plague threatens North Western Australia crops and livestock.

 

Melbourne schoolgirl expelled for not wearing Burqa: Being a Christian is no excuse says school. Sharia law must be enforced.

 

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet are unemployed. Australian Government have told the Japanese that Cane Toads taste like whale meat.

 

Australia now has 10 Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of ANU says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

 

Australian Deficit 10 $Trillion dollars and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousuf claims increased growth through more immigration secret to success.

 

Wall Street banks merge to form new super Bank, Goldman Rothschild Ebeneezer Epstein Drescher (GREED): We'll show Congress who is Too big to fail says CEO. Huge bonuses paid to executives to celebrate launch.

 

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

 

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic Countries. ... No other country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation!

 

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

 

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

 

Australia Post raises price of stamps to $18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

 

After a 10-year, $75.8 billion study: Scientists prove Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

 

Average weight of an Australian drops to 115 kgs.

 

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Vicindia and New South India .

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

 

Senate still blocking drilling in Canberra even though gas is selling for 5,000 Rupees per litre and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

 

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to be held partly responsible for crime.

 

Average height of professional basketball players is now nine feet, seven inches.

 

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

 

Australian Tax Office sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

 

Carlton won this years National Footy final beating the Hindu Hornets 20-11 to 13-18

 

Southern Asia (formerly Northern Territory ) voters still having trouble with voting machines.

I Love This Country!

[Dark]

Try to say "handbag" in a normal voice after watching this video!

 

 

Ever wonder what a gangsta's favorite drink is? Now you know!