What did your parents do?

[tcheevas]

So being born as a Thai citizen I thought I might have a better chance of getting my family's acceptance and approval, but I was wrong. Yes, even though I am a Thai (the place you want to go to for "fun time") I find it nuisance that my family was also born into a Chinese decent family. Since I already have an elder sister it is somewhat expected as my responsibility to "pass on my family name". I was 19 years old when I came out to my parents. I was on summer break after my first year in college. I can remember the day I came out like it was yesterday. It was July 20, 2014. I took one of my guy friend to karaoke. I had a few shots vodka and few glasses of Long Island. After I returned from my karaoke I was barraged by my parents with "Why didn't you bring this girl?" (My parents frequently tried to hook me up with daughters of their friends). Of course being a 19 years old with a raging hormone and a know at all attitude (plus influence under alcohol) I was annoyed by the fact that they kept trying to set me up with random girls (after I repeatedly told them that I have a "girlfriend"). So I threw somewhat of a fit in the car after my parents picked me up from the mall (We have karaoke at the mall in Tland yo). Finally my father asked me if I was gay. I replied with "What if I am? Will it change who I am 5 seconds ago?" My father asked me questions such as "Why?". He also the Buddhism's perspective of "Impermanence, claiming that my sexuality is just a phase". We continued to argued for a couple of days with the constant attacked of the word toot (fag) or mai pen tammachati (unnatural). He discussed that he too had homosexual experiences (gay for pay) in the past. He also proceeded in asking a very intrusive question such as "top or bottom?", "have you ever been penetrate before?", "have you get tested?". He let go of the subject a few days later, but still dropped a subtle hint on why homosexuality is messed up towards society and how "If you like to ply with children why don't you have one of your own". Even my sister who reads yaoi all the time and practically squealed after seeing a picture of my (ex) boyfriend turned against me after she had a conversation with my father. Not only that many people from my father's side of the family starting to shunned me. Give me less privacy. Asking unnecessary questions about my sexuality and my sexual activity.I know it is not as bad as getting kick out of your house, but it was quite traumatizing for me to see those people who you thought loves you to turned on you in a snap and refuse to accept the fact that his own flesh and blood likes the person of the same gender. To this day my father thinks I'm straight once more. However he still dropped some homophobic/transphobic remarks every now and then. Such as the Orlando shooting (If he have problems with their unnatural ways of life he could just talk to them) or it is a waste of life that if you're brn as a guy and you want to be a girl.

[Triggadeera]

Pretty much shunned me. Although I (kinda) get on well with them now, my sexuality is the elephant in the room that no one likes to bring up.

[Canuk]

both my parents were somewhat relieved when my marriage (to a woman) broke down, they never really liked her, tho' they did their best because she was my wife. a few years later i met a bloke and surprised myself by realising I was gay. while the relationship didn't last, I did come out to first my mother then Dad. For some reason I decided to come out to Mum while we were fixing my sister's photocopier. Mum's reaction? "well that won't fix the photocopier".  Equally with Dad I chose the day of his mother, my grandmother's funeral as we were driving to the cemetery. His reaction? "jeez, she must have been awful" referring to my ex.  As the first out gay bloke in the family I did get lots of very unusual questions - primarily around how "out"was I going to be.  One cousin seemed to think I was going to do the whole twin-set-and-pearls routine. This was all 25+ years ago. my partner and I met 17+ years ago and has been universally accepted largely, I think, because he "fits in" to the family better than my wife ever did.

 

having read some of the awful stories some people have shared I do feel that whatever difficulties I went through I was so fortunate to have a family that at the very least was prepared to listen, learn and accept. 

[Dabeagle]

I struggled for years. I finally admitted it to myself after my ex-wife made the comment that soon the kids would be gone and it would be just she and I for the rest of our lives. The idea of continuing to try so hard to work at something that wasn't working on several levels forced me to admit it to myself and then to my parents.

 

My father had come out a few years previously and he was quite pleased we had something in common, at last. My mother had a very bad opinion of gays due to my father, but she loves me more than anything and she realized that gays were individuals and not one mind focused strictly on sex and she has adapted wonderfully. A true testament to the power of a mother's love for her child.

[Myr]

I held off telling my parents until I was 23 and done with the first round of college.  This is mostly because my grandparents are still with us and very traditional.  I still haven't told them.  I'm only officially told my parents and one cousin as far as family goes. I also only explicitly told a handful of friends.  I'm a pretty intensely private person and I don't like public displays of affection, no matter what combination of genders is doing it.  But that's a personal thing.

 

As for how my parents reacted... I'm an only child.  Dad was surprised. So was mom.  My mother pretty much ignores it.  My father... kept pointing out guys to me.  this was especially prevalent in the yearly father/son golf tournament we played in.  "how about that one?" he'd kept asking. 

 

So for me, a least, no drama.

[Razor]

Heh, I don't remember ever "telling" my mom.  When I first came out it was to a friend of mine named Chelsea and I was nervous, twitchy, stuttering, and freaking out altogether.  When I finally said "I'm gay" she just looked at me like she was confused for a second and then said "I know" and then it was business as usual again and we went to hang out and do whatever.  

 

As far as my mom though, I think I just dropped the hint and she picked it up and we rolled with it.  I never had to deal with coming out to her.  She always just seemed to know and accept it and has never been anything but sincerely supportive.  This is the same woman who tells me that when she gets rich she's going to hire a pool boy and name him Pedro and make him wear nothing but a speedo, though, so maybe we just happened to have common interests.  

[JackBinimbul]

My mother still isn't speaking to me and hasn't let me see my little sister since she found out.

[Meeko]

I haven't ever told my mom or dad, but I'm sure they expect it. However I am a super private person and considering i am Bi, I feel like its really no ones business but my own. =)

[Celethiel]

My dad confronted me with it, he suspected i was gay before i came out and came over one night and asked me, it scared the hell out of me... he also then called my brother and confermed their suspicions with him i was freaked out and annoyed. Dad was also drunk and is not known for non-violence in such a state...

however he was good with it.

My mother kind of just yeah, whatever...i'll accept it, cuz it's you who are my son.

[JackBinimbul]

I haven't ever told my mom or dad, but I'm sure they expect it. However I am a super private person and considering i am Bi, I feel like its really no ones business but my own. =)

I felt that way until just this year.  But A. I dislike having to pretend I don't have a boyfriend.  B. I got tired of people threatening to out me.  I knew I'd be pretty much disowned, all the same.

[JamesSavik]

I haven't ever told my mom or dad, but I'm sure they expect it. However I am a super private person and considering i am Bi, I feel like its really no ones business but my own. =)

 

Meeko- you are quite right. It is nobodies business but your own. It should  be a persons individual choice to come out where, when, how and to whom they chose. 

 

Since you've been away we have added a forum for young people thinking about coming out. As my "coming out" was about the worst possible, it's only fitting that I wrote it. 

 

Welcome back, it's good to see you around again.

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/forums/topic/40002-thinking-about-coming-out/

 

 

 

I felt that way until just this year.  But A. I dislike having to pretend I don't have a boyfriend.  B. I got tired of people threatening to out me.  I knew I'd be pretty much disowned, all the same.

 

Anyone that threatens to out  you deserves a serious ass kicking. Any bastard that would out a minor needs to be set on fire. 

 

When anyone outs a person, they are taking something that doesn't belong to them. In this case it is a very personal choice.

 

Outting a person is almost alway an act of malice with the intention of doing or causing harm. I see it as a form of assault.

 

Choosing to come out is always a risk. There are probably people in your life that you can't predict how they will respond. That is never a choice that another person has the right to make for you.

 

When I was outted at 13, it sure wasn't a choice I would have ever made for myself and it left scars and harmed people decades after the fact.

 

 

The only time outing a person is OK is when that person is a public actor (like a closeted politician or a celebrity) that uses their position to do harm to other GLBT people. To see more about ethical outting, check out When to Out People: A Guide to Nuking Hypocrites

Edited September 5, 2016 by jamessavik

[JackBinimbul]

Any bastard that would out a minor needs to be set on fire. 

I'm in my 30's  Though I agree

[Dayne Mora]

 

Meeko- you are quite right. It is nobodies business but your own. It should  be a persons individual choice to come out where, when, how and to whom they chose. 

 

Since you've been away we have added a forum for young people thinking about coming out. As my "coming out" was about the worst possible, it's only fitting that I wrote it. 

 

Welcome back, it's good to see you around again.

 

https://www.gayauthors.org/forums/topic/40002-thinking-about-coming-out/

 

 

 

 

Anyone that threatens to out  you deserves a serious ass kicking. Any bastard that would out a minor needs to be set on fire. 

 

When anyone outs a person, they are taking something that doesn't belong to them. In this case it is a very personal choice.

 

Outting a person is almost alway an act of malice with the intention of doing or causing harm. I see it as a form of assault.

 

Choosing to come out is always a risk. There are probably people in your life that you can't predict how they will respond. That is never a choice that another person has the right to make for you.

 

When I was outted at 13, it sure wasn't a choice I would have ever made for myself and it left scars and harmed people decades after the fact.

 

 

The only time outing a person is OK is when that person is a public actor (like a closeted politician or a celebrity) that uses their position to do harm to other GLBT people. To see more about ethical outting, check out When to Out People: A Guide to Nuking Hypocrites

 

 

I'm in my 30's  Though I agree

 

I'm glad that it's against the Texas educators' code of ethics to out a youth to their parent/guardian. 

[JamesSavik]

I'm in my 30's  Though I agree

 

I was 13 when it happened to me.

[AK79]

Well it's been a while since I was a teen, but I came out as a teen.  Well 13 actually.  My father never really was in my life anyway and my mother never bothered to date or remarry, so most of the male role models I had were her brothers and their children (I was the youngest grandchild).  Sometimes I wonder if Mom is asexual to be quite honest.  Anyway I flat out told her when I was 13 that I was gay.  I already knew I was different from the other boys, I just didn't have a word for it, until the hormones kicked into high gear.

 

She just accepted it. I didn't think she would being an only child. Over the course of the next two years I came out to the rest of my maternal family--the vast majority of them at Thanksgiving dinner no less.  Only my grandmother really had a problem with it, and even then it was "are you sure?", you know as if I didn't know if I liked guys over girls.  Most of my Uncles and Cousins were like "pass the potatoes" when I made the announcement at Thanksgiving dinner that I was gay.  I don't know if it was acceptance, or just the view that the fact I was gay changed nothing, I was the same person I was five seconds before.

 

I must admit that I have been very lucky, coming out at school was pretty easy for me too, but I did that much later, and by that age I had taken on the attitude of "accept me as I am or [expletive] off".  Honestly I think some of the kids were afraid of me, I was into the whole punk rock scene (still am to an extent) and was known to be able to fight--though I tried not to (mostly cause I didn't want to get suspended, suspensions were not relevant to my interests).

[Solus Magus]

My dad was very supportive and open about it. He even told me that he might buy me a condo unit since our neighborhood was a bunch of homophobes for the sake of my safety. Since he knew I was Bi, he said that he didn't care if I married a guy or a girl, as long as I was happy then he was fine with it.

 

As for my mom, that was tricky since she was a homophobe. But I think she already felt it beforehand. I didn't out myself though. Someone had told her and she confronted me about it that she knew. She asked because she just wanted to confirm. After that, she hugged me and it wasn't what I was expecting. I thought she was going to throw me out. I guess I am more important to her than my personal preferences. Months down the road, we would find ourselves fangirling at some hot actor at the same time. It was awkward whenever it happens though!

 

Either ways, I already outed myself by the time I was 17 and no one bothered me about it. If anyone asked me, I would say it straight to their face as if I was just describing my eye color. Then I guess they would be so intimidated since I never tried to please them by following what was in the 'norm.' All of my friends know about it and I don't make an effort to hide myself. I'm too fabulous to hide. 

[William King]

4 hours ago, Solus Magus said:

I'm too fabulous to hide. 

 

You absolutely are!

[Neukoln]

I actually had this long complicated plan involving my psychiatrist and all (I have OCD), but thanks to my OCD, I had an anxiety attack, and I dunno, I just told them. I was crying, and I told them I'm bisexual. And my father shocked me. He said, "Why are you crying? That's okay. There's nothing wrong. You're normal." And my mother was like, "It's okay. You're our son." And I felt really stupid for being scared. That happened just this May 20.

 

Right now, it feels like nothing's changed. There wasn't any big "safe sex", "no boys in your bedroom talk". They just told me what they always tell me: "You know what to do. Be responsible." But yeah, whatever life was for us before I came out, it's still the same, except I feel a lot more free and happy.

[Mikiesboy]

11 hours ago, Neukoln said:

I actually had this long complicated plan involving my psychiatrist and all (I have OCD), but thanks to my OCD, I had an anxiety attack, and I dunno, I just told them. I was crying, and I told them I'm bisexual. And my father shocked me. He said, "Why are you crying? That's okay. There's nothing wrong. You're normal." And my mother was like, "It's okay. You're our son." And I felt really stupid for being scared. That happened just this May 20.

 

Right now, it feels like nothing's changed. There wasn't any big "safe sex", "no boys in your bedroom talk". They just told me what they always tell me: "You know what to do. Be responsible." But yeah, whatever life was for us before I came out, it's still the same, except I feel a lot more free and happy.

i'm very happy things turned out as they did. that's wonderful.

[Kitt]

Want a parent's pov?

 

I don't particularly care gay or straight, any more than I care Italian or Russian. It's the person you love. The bits just determine the mechanics.

 

A friend of my daughters decided to come out to me as a trial run before telling his own mom. He was a little taken aback with my first words, "Tell me something I don't know". The whole convo was sort of a non issue. 

 

The next time we spoke, he told me his mom reacted pretty much like I did. Asked him if it had changed him to tell her. Of course it hadn't, so of course it didn't change how she felt. His dad needed a little time to adjust to the idea, the biggest issue was no "natural" grand babies, but the twit got over that. Momma looked him in the eye and asked just what was unnatural about adoption?

[cognac69]

I never did tell my mum and dad, they had passed away when I came out. That is probably the only regret I have as they were very good and parents and when I think back I think they suspected. They were always very good supporting and protective parents to my brother and me as we grew up.

 

When I told "the brood mare' and 'sperm donor', I'd contacted them after my parents died, that was the last I saw or heard from them, but hey no big deal there.

 

Before you ask, yes we were adopted, thankfully.

[Jujubee]

I told my Mom when I was eleven right after I had a fight with my grandmother about always having to speak French when she was there.

My father had abandoned us and pissed off back to France and left us all in southern California. My grandmother took it out on me so no help there. We get on better now but it was tough.

My mother had figured it out though and it was a relief to be able to just be me.

Since I was small I always directed my affection towards men I trusted. Between that and how I behaved with my friends she put it together. I also have a sister who is very supportive.

I’ll never bother with a lottery ticket because I already won.

When my Mom remarried, her new husband and his father became the two most important men in my life. Dad and Grampa both have the same attitude that being gay is just another facet of human existence. Nothing needs fixing or curing. I’ve talked to other boys who haven’t had it so easy. Beatings, verbal abuse or exclusion from their family’s activities. I know one boy who was thrown out of his home and had to live on the street at fourteen. Grampa took him in and found him a home with some people he knew. He’s doing pretty good now.

I know my experience is unusual, but I hope that others have one that is similar.

[Thorn Wilde]

I was in my teens, about fifteen at the time, when I had finally learnt the language for what I was and came out to my mum as bisexual. She was like, 'So what? So am I. I think almost everyone is.' And that was that. She's accepted all my partners, same sex or otherwise. Coming out as non-binary has been more difficult, though. My mum knows, because I talk about it on Facebook and stuff all the time, but she's just kind of never reacted to it? We've talked about the whole concept in the abstract, and I just don't think she gets it. She doesn't really get trans issues in general, not really, though she pretends to when it's convenient. I sometimes wonder how she'd react if I actually transitioned, though since I'm basically gender fluid, I probably won't, anyway. My final coming out, as polyamorous, went about as well as I would have expected, with her kind of disapproving, but happy to have dinner with both my boyfriend and my girlfriend.

Edited October 21, 2018 by Thorn Wilde

[Jdonley75]

So... It was 1994, summer time and I had graduated high school and started making real friends.  High school in a small town (or any school before that for that matter) wasn't very kind for people like me, especially in that time when there was AIDS and everything else running around wild.  But, I made some really good friends and we loved hanging out together and just had fun.  And fun for us was card games, sodas and a lot of joking around.  All harmless, no clothes were ever removed and they were going to a big university in town and were always inviting me to hang out in their co-ed dorm.  

 

Well, because of the real honest fun I was having for the first time ever when I could be myself and have people actually accept me, it was never easy for me to say, "hey, I gotta get home."  I was usually coming home anywhere between 1am and 4 am on any given night.  This was completely foreign to my single mother who was used to her youngest (and only child living with her in the past 7 years) almost never leaving the house except to go to work.  For my mom, everything had to be on schedule, everything in its proper place, no changes because changes are bad.  So, one night, I got home around 4 am, headed up to bed and it wasn't by the time my head hit the pillow that mom comes barging into my room (her house, so she doesn't need to knock) and starts screaming at me about how irresponsible I am.  Mind you, I'm holding down a second shift job that I don't have to be at until 3 pm so I'm doing just fine.  This goes on for about ten minutes of her just screaming at me when she finally says, "and I wanna know the truth.  Are you gay or aren't you?"  So, being tired and just wanting her to shut up and let me go to sleep I tell her I am.  There was a long silence before she said, "I am so disappointed in you." 

 

Turns out, I actually didn't go to work the next day because I had a breakdown.  And I ended up going to my friends' dorm because they insisted I come because I was an emotional mess.  Ryan and Carrie (my friends) apparently told everyone in their dorm about what happened by the time I got there and I had about 20 or 30 people ready to offer me whatever support I needed.  I ended up staying the weekend at the dorm and mom came to her senses and sort of apologized.  But, she and I barely spoke to each other for a full year before she got up the nerve to want to sit down and talk about me being gay.

 

As for my dad, I never did tell him.  He kind of hinted around he was hoping for a grandson someday and would occasionally say something to me about my dating life or lack thereof (oh, if he only knew...) and my sister basically told me to never tell him because he would freak out worse than mom did.  Plus, our relationship was estranged to put it in its best light.  He wasn't really a part of my life so there was no real logical reason to tell him.  Gotta give him credit though, he did attempt a reconciliation by the time I was 27 or 28 but at that point it was way too little and far too late.  And it was all moot anyway when he died in a car accident 6 days before my 30th birthday (I'd almost swear he did it on purpose because he always disliked it when things weren't about him).

 

My grandmother (mom's mom) turned out to be my real champion.  We never discussed it outright but she knew.  Me and my boyfriend at the time I lived with her would spend time there with her and she liked him (too bad he was a loser) and after she passed away, I discovered that she had a serious falling out with a friend of hers from when she was a kid about how gay people were immoral and going to hell.  She made my grandma so mad that she never spoke to her again.   And after what happened with my mom, my grandma let her know she wasn't putting up with that.  "He's still the same person he was and I raised him to be a good person and nothing's going to change that!"

[Warrior1]

Despite coming from a deeply religious and conservative Muslim family, my parents have been very accepting and approving of my sexuality and future life. They are willing to send me abroad in a gay friendly country so that I can have a good life.