Tales of the Underground: Blinded - 32. The Calm Before the Storm

That game I went all out. I had never gone that hard in my life. Every movement seemed perfect, every shot flew out of my fingers as though it was as light as a feather. I went hard to the paint, making contact whenever I saw the chance…doing everything, and anything to make a point that I stil; had it…I was still tough. I knew the saints were watching, and I did everything in my power to show them I’m making myself into something…that it’s them who need me, not the other way around.

As the final seconds ran off the clock, I couldn’t help but stiffen up my body, and eye up the crowd…showing them I wasn’t backing down, that they couldn’t just come disrupt my life the way they want to “Don’t get carried away” Carter warned, as the last buzzer sounded “You’re not out of here yet.”

“Fuck them” I spit, still staring at the small crowd of people.

He wrapped his arm around my chest, and slowly began to pull me to the sidelines “I’m serious Riley, I get it, you proved what you had to, and I supported it the whole time…but right now you need to walk away.” Our eyes locked, but as he got a flash of the anger I was holding onto he only gripped me tighter…there was nothing I could do to make him scared, and he never hesitated to show that “Walk away Riley” He boomed, giving me a big shove to the bench.

“Riley” Coach Murray called out “Good game…now get out.”

“Fine” I grumbled, grabbing my bag from under one of the seats, and waving towards my dad.

He got the message, and before I knew it the 5 guards he had hired were around me. As we pulled out of the lot 2 cars full of my ex brother lined the street, doing their best to get a good look at who I had become. “They ain’t dangerous” I let out as I saw Walter tense up.

“How do you know that?” he quickly yelped, pushing his foot harder on the pedal.

“If they was, they would’ve started shooting by now” I exhaled “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come tonight…I put you in danger…it was…”

“No” Walter interrupted “You did what you had to.” He sighed, watching the gang members covered in blue carefully sitting and observing “But why…what are they doing?”

“They’re giving me a chance to run.” I grumbled, looking at them “They want to see if I’m soft now, they want to see if I’ll rejoin em…they probably think I’ve been on house arrest or something.”

“And now that they know you’re not?” he lead, nervous about the answer.

“They don’t have the resources or the time to come try and get me from the Northside” I mused, watching Ro step out of the driver’s seat and lean against the hood of the car as we drove down the tight cracked street “From the look at it, those 15 are all that’s left…they know you’ll have cops shadowin me…they can’t afford to let someone get arrested. I mean maybe they’ll send a kid, but it’s not like I can’t handle a kid…only way they could ever get me back is if I went to them.”

“There won’t be a cop following you…”

“Dad” I cut off “I ain’t Aaron, I know what you’re planning…thank you” I let out with a grateful breath.

He took a few seconds to think before turning to me “Are you okay?”

“Yea…” I started, looking back at the monster who’s shadow I’ve stood in since I was 11 “No…” I corrected feeling my emotions begin to bubble “Why? Why can’t they just leave me be?” I confessed “I feel like no matter how hard I try…not matter what I do…he’ll always be there, haunting me.”

“Who?” Walter poked, not understanding.

“Him” I let out, pointing at the outline down the street, but before he could take a look, the security car pulled out of the school lot, and sped up to act as a shield. “Forget it” I grunted, falling lower in my seat.

“No please, who?” he poked, as his concern grew.

“They call him Ro” I explained, looking down to my feet “He’s been the shot caller for the saints ever since I joined em…he’s practically raised me…he’s the one I see in my nightmares.”

“How is he allowed to just walk the streets then? How can they just leave him be? How…”

“Cause they don’t care about us.” I exhaled, biting down on my lip “The police have lost all control of the southside, the only thing they look to do is stay alive…going after a man like him…even with only 15 of em left…he’d take out a good 20 cops with him…he’s a monster…he’s who I would’ve become.”

“Don’t say…”

“He is” I insisted “That’s the path I was on…but you and mom saved me…thank you” I exhaled, feeling a tear fall “Thank you” I shook “I can’t repay that.”

“You do everyday” he smiled, reaching over and rustling my hair “Getting to watch you tonight…it brought me so much pride, watching you grow, watch you become a man…that’s payment enough.” He explained with growing confidence “And I don’t care how many Ro’s there are out there on the streets, I won’t let them hurt you. We’ll get you to a doctor as soon as possible to get rid of those nightmares…believe me that shadow of his…just keeping moving towards the light and it’ll fade away. Impacts men like him leave are temporary, but who you’re growing into…men like that leave an impact that will last forever.”

I nodded but didn’t say anything. Why do they keep saying things like that? How do they know I’ll be great? What if I just wind up back on the streets because I can’t make it? Because I can’t even read without taking an extra 30 minutes to sort out the words? What am I supposed to live off them forever?

“Riley!” Nancy called out, wrapping herself around me as we walked into the front door “I’m so glad you’re safe, did anything happen?” She nervously asked, looking up at Walter.

I took a deep breath, waiting for her to baby me for the rest of my life “No” Walter lied “We got in, got out, Cy played amazing…that’s really it.”

“I knew he would” she let out, hugging me a little tighter “But really no problems?” she poked looking at me.

“No” I shook, appreciating that Walter was covering for me “Guess they forgot about me.”

“I can only hope so…” she exhaled with a smile “Thank god. I’ll sleep easy tonight.”

I nodded, and let her hold me for another few seconds, before she let go and headed back towards the living room “Thanks” I quietly let out looking up at Walter.

“No reason for all 3 of us to lose sleep tonight” He exhaled, lightly grabbing onto my shoulder “If you have a nightmare, just come get us.”

“Okay” I nodded once more, walking up the stairs to get ready for bed. That night I couldn’t help but stare at myself in the mirror. I know who I’m becoming…what I’m striving for…but how do I get there? Is sitting up here playing house really going to get me anywhere? But if not…if not…then where do I go? What would I do? I love these people…I love my mom, my dad…I love my brother…I love Carter.” I lowered my face and began to splash water onto it. I can’t leave them…I don’t want to leave them, not now…not ever.

As I walked out of the Bathroom I saw Aaron standing in his doorway staring “What you want?” I muttered, as his eyes stared me down.

“I’m about to fall asleep, hurry up.” He lectured, keeping his eyes on me.

I shook my head not understanding, and stopped in my own doorway “Okay, what does that matter to me?”

“Because you’re sleeping in here tonight.” He ordered with a quick nod of his head.

“No Aaron, I’m not…”

“Come on.” He interrupted, refusing to take no for an answer “I know, you’re going to have nightmares tonight… I don’t want you to be alone…not after what Carter told me.”

“What did Carter tell you?” I exhaled, watching a few steps back down the hallway and into my old room.

He moved out of the way, letting me onto the spare bed we kept there “He texted me saying that you saw an old friend, that you kept eyeing up the crowd…and that when you left there were gang members waiting.”

“So he saw them.” I muttered more to myself than Aaron “Look I’m fine…everything is fine.”

“We know you’re not” he shrugged, taking a seat on his bed “and it’s okay…that’s why you have a family.”

“I don’t know man…this shit was all too close to home tonight” I sighed, laying back.

“Which home?” he poked, seeing how I’d answer.

“This home” I nodded “The only home I have left…I don’t think I’m going back to the Southside for a long time.”

“That bad?” Aaron nervously poked.

“Yeah” I softly exhaled, thinking it over “They know for sure that I’m out and free now…if they see me in the Southside…shit will go down.”

“No more Southside then.” Aaron nodded, doing his best to give me a comforting smile.

“No more Southside” I agreed, rolling over.

As I finally dozed off to sleep I was met with a big dark figure in my face screaming “You think you done here? You think you can just leave me?” the Big voice boomed, getting in my face “You think I’d just let you go after everything I’ve done for you?” I could feel myself growing angrier and angrier as his words seemed to echo in my mind “You think you special? You think you livin in a pretty house, with all those pretty people…you think that makes you special? You ain’t nothing but a street rat.” He remarked, leaning back, and smashing me across the face “No one loves you, you only useful to me…ME…I’m the only one who will ever…” before he could finish his sentence, my anger boiled over, and with one last big bang I ripped a pistol out of my waste and put led right between his eyes.

“Hey, you’re okay.” Aaron grumbled, shaking me awake “Just a dream.” Just like every single time before, it took me a few seconds to calm down, a few seconds to shake off the cold sweat I was caked in. “Hey man” he let out, supportively patting me on the chest “I love you”

“Love you too” I mumbled, unhappy, but knowing I needed to hear it.

When I fell back asleep I had a completely different dream. It felt like I was standing outside of reality, watching me and Carter…married with kids. I never thought I’d know how to be a father, but there I was…with the man I loved. 3 smiling children, climbing all over us…and we we’re happy…there was so much love in that room…it felt like I was in heaven. Every now and then we’d look to each other and smile, but it seemed like we didn’t even need to do that…we knew each other was happy…we we’re complete.

I woke up that morning, and couldn’t help but be in a quiet mood…can I have both those worlds? Can I take a life and still find that peace I had…but I don’t want to take a life. I don’t care how tough I’ve been, or what I’ve done…taking a life changes you…what if I get that chance? What if I take it and I’m never the same? Is ending that nightmare worth ruining my life? I’d be a hero…but someone would just take his spot…someone worse would just rise up and terrorize the streets.

“HEY!” Carter yelped, standing up at the lunch table, breaking me from my thoughts “Basketball team has an announcement to make!” The large room quieted down and stared at the young teen they all seemed to adore “My teammate, and one of my best friends…he went back to where he grew up last night…you all know who I’m talking about” he smiled nodding towards me “He went back to his own personal hell, but he did it with a grin on his face and dominated them.” Carter emphasized proudly speaking in a loud voice “He put up 43 points to set a new school record, and picked up his 4^th triple double of the season…just 2 more away from another school record. “Playoffs start in a week…with him by our side we’re bring home states! Show him so love.”

Before my eyes the cafeteria began to cheer and yell for me…for me…the kid they had all judged and avoided…the one they stayed as far away from as possible…the one they were scared of. As the cafeteria began to calm down once again, I caught a glimpse of an angry Owen, grinding his teeth in an attempt to deal with my new found popularity. He’d seen people in the halls talking and laughing with me…but never like this. I could tell something in him was breaking, and it was just one push away.

As Carter sat back down he grabbed onto my shoulders, and gave me a good shake “See they love you” he smiled.

“Thanks” I exhaled, breaking free from him. I tried to hide how much I was enjoying that moment…but I don’t know if I was doing a great job of it.

The rest of the day people would tap me on the back, or congratulate me on a hard game won…in their eyes I had done it. I had gone home and slayed the beast over me…little did they know I was far from that. I hadn’t made peace with my past…it felt like it was all just coming.

“You fucked up” I heard Owen growl from behind me “You should’ve never stayed here…you should’ve just went back to the Southside when you got the chance.”

I laughed him off and slammed my locker shut “Man be quiet before I shut you up.”

“You think I’m going to fight you…” He laughed off “No, I’m going to send you back to the hell you came from.”

“Let me make one thing clear…” I let out growing serious “You go to the Southside, you start tryin to get a gang to come get me…well they’ll take you, and hold you for a ransom…they’ll think kidnapin you will drive me back there.”

“No they…”

“They will” I cut off with intensity “I’ve seen it with my own eyes, and mark my words…I won’t give a fuck. I’ll let them put a bullet in your head” I coldly spoke “I won’t let you mess up my life here…I won’t let you take me from my family. You wanna go get killed cause you jealous? Be my guest.” I let out walking away “I got practice, then a grandpa to visit” As I walked away I only felt his anger grow…he’s going to do something stupid, I can just tell. Worst of all, I know I won’t be able to leave things be…I know my warning to him that I wouldn’t care were empty words. I just pray his grave doesn’t turn out to be mine.

That practice I went just as hard as I did in the Southside game. I had a lot of anger in me, but instead of letting it ruin my life like I have in the past…instead of letting it dominate me…I used it in my game. I gave myself that killer instinct I needed to reach a new level, I used it to play harder…to play fierce, and my coaches, well they couldn’t get enough of it.

“You smell like wet socks” My grandpa remarked as Walter dropped me off at their small house near Lake Michigan.

“Good to see you too Grandpa” I smiled, taking a seat across from him in their cozy living room “How you doin?”

“I’m still alive” he laughed, taking a good look at me “But you…you look like you’ve seen better days.”

“It’s been a long week” I groaned, as my grandma walked into the room with drinks and cookies.

“Dinner will be ready in 30 minutes” she smiled, gently rubbing my back.

“Thank you” I let out, looking up at her with a small smile.

“You’re always welcome her.” She nodded, grateful that I visit as often as I do. But how could I not…there was just so much to learn from Grandpa…so much to gain.

“So why’s it been a long week?” Grandpa poked, as we were finally left alone once again.

I shrugged my shoulders and thought it over “I had a game in the Southside last night…and I saw some old friends.”

“Gang friends?” he poked. As I nodded my head, he lightly muttered under his breath. Over the past few months I had told him everything about my life…everything “Well you survived it” he nodded with a comforting smile “How’d you play?”

“Set a new school record for points” I shrugged, trying to be humble.

“That’s my grandson” he supported in a laugh.

I carefully reflected on everything and looked over at him “I feel like I ain’t done there yet…I feel like it’s my job to shut down that gang…I-I was the one who fueled them…I feel like I have to be the one to break them.”

“Do you know who Dr. Robert Oppenheimer is?” My grandfather began, lightly tilting his head. I softly bit my lip and shook my head no “He’s the man who helped invent the atomic bombs we dropped on Japan. At first he was proud of everything he did…but once he saw the chaos it created…the hell he had unleashed on the world…well his guilt drove him near insanity.”

“So?” I shook not understanding the point.

“So he put the weight of the world on his shoulders” My grandpa elaborated “He forgot that there were thousands and thousands of other scientists working on that bomb too…that even if he wasn’t there…someone else would’ve cracked the code.” He nodded “Whether atomic bombs are wrong or not…I don’t know, greater men then me have made arguments on both sides…but the point of my story is that you can’t put this all on you.” He nodded, forcing eye contact with me “If you didn’t join them, someone else would’ve. You didn’t create the monster, you were just an innocent piece nearly ruined by it.”

“But what if I could end it? What if I could destroy the saints?” I unwillingly let out, asking the question that has been plaguing me for months.

He let out a deep breath as my words hit him “Well you can” he smiled “but not in the way you think. You think going back on those streets and going to war with them will help? Spilling blood will only make things worse…go to school, figure out how to get educated on all of it…use that beautiful brain of yours to fight it, not weapons.”

“But there’s this kid at my school…he’s…it sounds crazy but he’s hell bent on sending me back, what if they get him? What if he’s taken and it’s all my fault?”

“If he does something stupid, if he goes and messes with forces he doesn’t understand…it’s not your fault.” My grandfather coldly shook “You can’t put that on yourself…hate, jealousy…it destroys a person. Let that be his downfall…not yours.”

I looked at him still not understanding “After all you’ve taught me…how can I let someone suffer if I can do somethin about it?”

“You want to be a hero?” he faintly smiled “That comes with a price…it comes at the cost of your family, your friends…do you really want to make that sacrifice?”

“No” I honestly exhaled “But if it comes down to it…how could I not try?”

“I love you Riley” he let out “If that times comes…I know you’ll follow your heart and do the right thing, but please, please…if it comes down to your life…find a way to walk away…even if it costs this boy his own.” I nodded, and uncomfortable shifted my mouth side to side, still not knowing what to do.

The next few days seemed to go by calmly, as life slowly fought to return to normal, but as the weekend approached my worst fear came with it. I wandered into the living room and saw a news report I knew was coming “Breaking News” the anchor reported “A Chicago Southside Gang is reportedly holding a local teenage boy ransom. The Gang who go by the Almighty Saints are known for their reckless violence, and use of child soldiers. Our thoughts and prayers are with his family at this time.”

I felt my fist clench as I began to grit my teeth…so today’s the day…hero or not…I have to do something.