I Hate This Town - 29. Chapter 29: Down

Hospitals were bad. There are plenty of people that hate them. He was just not sure why he’d never heard anything about hospices. No matter how much the friendly staff tried to brighten it up, it was still one of the darkest places he’d ever been. There was a heavy-almost oppressive-air there. Everyone’s grief, pain, and suffering crashed down on you and pressed the longer you stayed. Alec had been there for only a half an hour before it hit him. Going on three now, he felt like his limbs were made of concrete. The simple act of moving was a struggle and he was exhausted.

His mother lay in the bed in the center of the room. The floors were an outdated laminate that the employees somehow managed to keep clean and unchipped. Maybe it was because there was less traffic? No, even though their patients didn’t stay long, there was always someone waiting to replace them. Alec pinched the bridge of his nose to interrupt his rather morbid train of thought. His father sat next to him and since he’d arrived, they had pretty much remained silent.

“She was going in and out of consciousness, I hope you’ll get to talk to her.” Henry mumbled and Alec sighed.

He wasn’t positive he wanted to talk to the frail woman laying a few feet from him. She looked far worse than the last time he’d seen her and it hadn’t even been that long. Alec rubbed his fingers over his eyelids and propped his head up with his hand under his chin. If she woke up, would the conversation go anywhere? Or would it be a repeat of the others? He should be here. It was his mother. What kind of person would he be if he didn’t show up in her final hours?

A justified one.

He cringed at the whispered answer in his head. Was he a terrible person? Did this make him worse than her? He closed his eyes and wished he could make it all stop. The infernal beeping of the machines keeping her alive. The too bright lights overhead. His mother’s rasping breath. Everything. Realistically, he knew the noises weren’t loud. To Alec, though, they were deafening. It was unsettling, being there. He shifted in the uncomfortable chair and let his head drop fully into his hands.

His day had taken a very dramatic turn. This morning he’d been feeling amazing. He wished he could rewind and sink into Finn’s arms. He envied the early morning Alec. He wondered, for a brief moment, if he should let Finn know what was happening. He put that thought to bed right away. Finn had to work today and he’d no doubt rush over if he knew Alec was upset. So instead, Alec sunk further into the hard chair and tried to look anywhere but at his mother.

“She took a turn for the worst last night. She wasn’t doing well, but at least it was better than this. We thought, you know, that she might pull through like she did last time. I don’t think we were right.” Henry said and Alec chewed at the skin on the inside of his lip.

His father sounded wrecked. It made sense. He’d been watching his wife die slowly. Truthfully, Alec didn’t even know when this had all started. He’d never known she’d had it the first time. A small part of him wanted to feel bad. He didn’t know his own mother had cancer, twice. That was bad. He should feel crappy. Shouldn’t he?

A much larger part of him was clinging to rationality. The last time he’d spoken to his mother before returning home was when she’d insulted him after he’d graduated. The ties between them had been severed. Why would Alec stay invested in her life? No matter what was going on. He leaned back and looked up at the ceiling with a sigh. This was terrible. The waiting, the rethinking his choices, the guilt trip he was putting himself through.

“I’m going to step out for a minute.” He muttered as he rose and made for the door.

It felt like he was running away and that was okay. Alec was running and he was fine with it right now. He followed signs and found himself in a garden. There was a small fountain in the middle and a bench off to the side. He trudged past the beautiful flowers and sat down heavily. Running his hand over his face, he stared at nothing in particular. He felt very far away and at the same time he couldn’t put enough distance between this situation and himself. His mother’s room had been suffocating. He could still feel the sensation of all the walls pressing in on him.

He took in a shaky breath and pulled his phone out of his pocket. He didn’t want to burden anyone. Finn was at work and River was with Kenji probably. He needed to handle his emotions on his own and stop relying on River so much. While he knew that was true, he also thought this may be an exception. He needed someone to get him out of his own head for a few minutes. He gave up and dialed.

It rang for what felt like forever and then River’s sleepy voice yawned out a greeting, “Mm ‘ello?”

“River. Are you busy?” Alec closed his eyes and combed his fingers through his hair.

“Nope. Just waking up. Kenji had to leave this morning.” River yawned again and Alec let his head fall back as he stared up and the sky. It was a beautiful day. The sky was bright blue and there were barely-there wisps of fluffy cloud. It seemed wrong. All of it.

“Did he go to Japan?” He asked. He was thankful that he had a different topic to focus on.

“Yeah. He was already supposed to be there, but he didn’t seem too worried about it.” River chuckled softly, “Then again, it’s pretty hard to tell when he’s bothered by something if he doesn’t outright say it.”

“He’s pretty reserved and blunt, huh?” Alec said. He was starting to feel a little better. He just needed something to take the edge off.

“It’s…refreshing? When I didn’t know where I stood with him, if I would’ve just asked, he would have told me. I’m not used to people like that.” Despite himself, Alec found himself smiling a bit. River was absolutely enamored.

“That’s good, right?” He asked, closing his eyes and relaxing into the sunlight warming his face.

“It can be. It can also be incredibly frustrating. He says whatever he wants to. He doesn’t try to sugarcoat things and it sometimes makes him come off as…as…”

“An asshole?” Alec offered, smiling more now.

River laughed too, “Yeah. I guess. He can be hard on people, but I think it’s just because he honestly doesn’t understand why they might make the choices they do.”

“Well, of course, and Kenji has never made the wrong decision.” Alec rolled his eyes.

“He’s still a man, Alec. We all possess varying degrees of idiocy from birth. None of us are perfect, but Kenji, he’s god damned close.”

Alec laughed out loud and quickly covered his mouth. Hospice was not the best place to be laughing like this. He muffled the sound and smiled as he listened to River’s laughter taper off too. He heard sheets rustling on the other end of the line and River yawned loudly into the phone. Alec rubbed his nose and his brain took the time to remind him where he was and why. That heaviness settled on him again like a weighted blanket and all the energy he had was pressed out of him again. The respite River had provided was short-lived.

“What’s wrong?” Alec jumped at his friend’s voice. The laughter was gone and it’d been replaced by concern.

“My mom’s not doing great. She got moved to hospice care. Basically to keep her comfortable until…” He’d said the words before. He’d said them to her. For some reason now, though, it was so much harder to get out.

“Okay, maybe open with that next time Alec. Jesus! I’ve been going on and on about Kenji and you’re going through something awful!” River exclaimed.

“No, it helped. I needed to take my mind off of everything. This place is the worst and I didn’t think it’d be this hard. I don’t even know why I’m so sad. She was awful to me. We haven’t had a relationship in years and she snapped at me when I tried to visit her. I don’t owe her anything and still-“

Alec cut himself off, startled by the sudden surge of emotion. He’d barely caught himself before becoming a blubbering mess. He took in a deep breath and tried to focus on the different flowers and plants around him. The garden was a clever distraction and the access to fresh air without leaving the painful, little, hospice box was well thought out. Alec could feel his heart beating a mile a minute and he made a conscious effort to slow it down. He was okay. It would be okay.

“Alec, I’m worried about you. Do you want me to come? I can call Finn too.” River sounded like he’d gotten up and was now moving around his hotel room.

“No, Finn’s at work and I don’t want to ruin your day.”

“Shut up. Your mother is dying, Alec. You’re allowed to reach out for support. Plus, Finn owns his gym. What’s the point of owning your business if you can’t make your hours?”

River’s tone was like a slap. It stopped Alec’s internal and external whining. River was right. He needed help. He didn’t realize how hard this was going to be. While he and Henry were mending fences, he wasn’t comfortable leaning on the other man.

“I’ll tell Finn.” He said quietly.

“Fine. Give me like, I don’t know…a half hour? I’ll have my mom come get me or something.” River sounded distracted. Alec assumed he was thinking or getting things in order.

“Okay.”

They disconnected and Alec stared down at his phone screen as it went dark. He sighed softly as he scrolled through his previous calls and tapped Finn’s name. Alec winced when he heard the faint dialing sound. He quickly raised the phone to his ear and closed his eyes as it rang once, twice, and then three times. Alec couldn’t decide if he wanted Finn to answer or not. He reasoned it might be better if Finn missed the call. He should be able to go to work and not be pulled away by Alec. He told himself that, but he still felt disappointment when Finn’s cheery voice sounded once his voicemail picked up. He hung up and sighed. River was coming. At least he was. Maybe he could talk to Finn tonight. He rubbed his cheek as he tucked his phone into his pocket.

He stood and began a slow walk around the garden. He ghosted his fingers over some soft, fuchsia petals and then continued over to the next flowers. He was focused on anything other than what awaited him inside the building. He was so focused on not thinking about it, that when his phone went off in his pocket, he nearly had a heart attack. He rushed to get his phone out of his pocket, fumbling it and nearly dropping the device on the ground. When he finally got a firm grip, he smashed the phone to his chest. Glancing down at the screen, he bit his lip. He tapped the answer button and lifted the phone to his ear.

“Hi.” He said softly. He felt a little silly. He’d almost whispered when there was no one else in the garden. It’s not like him talking to Finn was against the rules.

“Hey! Sorry! I was right in the middle of a client’s workout. She PR’d on her deadlift. It was fucking magnificent.” Finn’s bright voice rattled something in Alec’s chest.

The emotions he’d been forcing down since he’d first walked into hospice surged forth and he was barely able to suppress everything. It was even worse than when he was talking to River. He took some deep breaths and downright refused to lose control. Something about Finn made him want to stop pushing everything down and he didn’t understand it. He didn’t want to break down and be a giant crybaby. Not in public and especially not in front of Finn when they’d only just started reconnecting. Apparently, he’d taken too long to answer. Finn’s bright voice twisted with concern and became more hushed. Alec also thought he heard a door close on the other end of the line.

“Alec? You okay? Is this a butt dial or something? I mean, I’m fine with it. I do not mind spending more time with your ass.”

Finn’s concerned rambling managed to pull a soft smile to Alec’s lips, “Are you really busy?”

“Uh, I don’t have to be. What’s up?” Finn’s mood had shifted dramatically and it made Alec feel even more guilty.

They had just started talking again. He didn’t even know what they were. Was Finn his boyfriend? Was this conversation totally inappropriate and way too much for their budding relationship? He’d promised River he’d let Finn know, but now he was second guessing himself and his promise. This was pretty heavy subject matter. Maybe he should act like nothing was wrong. He could act like he’d called because he was bored or something.

“Alec? I mean you said something, but you’re not talking anymore and it’s starting to worry me.”

“I’m okay.” Alec said, still quietly for some reason.

“Are you sure? Do you need something?” Finn asked.

“I don’t want to pull you away from work, but I’m having a hard time.” Alec forced the words out.

He’d already called Finn. He’d already disrupted his routine and he might as well tell him why. It didn’t make sense for him to call and then withhold things. Plus, what if he wanted to see Finn tonight? There was no way he could keep something like this from him when they were face to face. River was right too. Whether they were new or not, he should be able to count on Finn for things like this. It wasn’t one of his usual small piddly problems.

“What’s going on? Do you need me?”

Alec took a shaky breath, nodding and then feeling stupid when he realized Finn couldn’t see him, “Y-yes.”

“Alright. If you’re in Sunnyside, give me twenty minutes.” Alec heard a door open again and Finn’s voice was a little distracted and rushed.

“Okay.” Alec answered, fingering some nearby fuchsia petals.

His voice became muffled for a minute and Alec heard the other man yell something. Another voice yelled back and then Finn’s voice became clear again, “You need me to stay on the line, hun?”

“No, I’ll be fine.” Alec said, meandering back towards the building’s door.

“Fifteen minutes then. I can break way more traffic laws with two hands. Let me know if you do need me. You can call back if you change your mind.” Alec heard what could be Finn’s truck door and he came to wait, his fingers brushing the door knob.

“I will.” He answered.

“Oh, Alec?” He heard the truck start as he opened the door.

“Yes?”

“Where am I going?” Finn asked.

“The Sunnyside Hospice.”

“Oh. Oh fuck. Alright, I’m coming.”

“See you then.” Alec ended the call and opened the door.

He walked back to his mother’s room and chewed on the inside of his cheek as he worked up the nerve to go back in. When he did, he paused. His father and a nurse were standing around his mother’s bed. The nurse was checking the machines his mother was connected to. Henry was holding Mae’s limp hand and Alec grimaced when he saw her eyes were open now. Alec tried to sneak in while his father spoke to the nurse. They seemed to be at the end of a conversation and Alec didn’t catch much of it. The nurse left and Henry stood by the bed without speaking. He’d seen Alec come in, but he hadn’t acknowledged him yet.

“Her eyes are open but she’s not responding to anything.” Henry’s voice reached him from where Alec had slid into his chair from earlier.

“Okay, what did they say?” Alec asked. His own voice sounded foreign. It was flat and empty.

“They don’t think she’ll make it through the night.” He could hear his father sniffling softly.

He should get up. He should go comfort the other man, but Alec found himself glued to the seat. He watched his father’s back tense and his shoulders shake a little. His eyes tore away and he focused instead on the blanket covered legs in the hospital bed. It was all he could see. The way he was standing blocked his view of his mother’s upper half. Alec stared. It was like his brain wasn’t connecting the dots. They were legs under a blanket. They weren’t attached to a person. He didn’t have a relationship with that person. Alec was floating around on his own little island, completely detached. He felt empty and distant.

He could recognize dissociation. He knew it was a defense mechanism, a way to cope. It wasn’t necessarily the healthiest thing he did and normally he could pull himself out of it. This time was different. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be pulled out. It was keeping whatever feelings he had at bay. He didn’t want to feel. Again, he’d never expected this to hit him so hard. They weren’t close. He hadn’t felt like his mother had loved him for a very long time. He associated her with pain and trauma. Even so, Alec knew that once he returned to himself, it was going to be bad.

“Alec, do you want to come over and talk to her?” Henry’s voice broke through his spacey thoughts.

“I don’t…know. I don’t…” Alec let his fingers slip up the side of his face, blinking slowly.

He didn’t know what time he’d spoken to River, Finn either, but he hoped they were close.