Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 21. Entry 21

Tuesday

Yeah, nothing much to report today.

Just work, work, work…

I finally got the Trig problem solved! Geeze, that one took a lot longer than I was expecting! It cut into the time I needed to get that stupid English paper started. For English, to save time, I… cheated a little. I found an acted out play of Hamlet on MyTube and, basically, watched the thing from beginning to end like a movie! You know what? When you see it done by actors playing the parts, the play actually makes sense! Even if I couldn’t understand exactly what was being said, I could, kind of, get what was going on by everyone’s body-language. Better still, with the emotions being shown, what they were saying started to make sense too!

So, I know these Shakespeare things were written to be plays that were meant to be watched. So, why in the Hell do English teachers make us read these things like books when they are meant to be watched as plays? They aren’t written to be read! I know that sounds completely backwards, but it, kinda, is!

In any case, thanks to MyTube, I was able to finish my paper since everything finally ‘clicked’ when I saw the play. I didn’t get to sleep until 1AM, but I did manage to get the job done. How’s that for academic dedication for you? Does anyone in the school system see a problem with loading teenagers down with so much homework that they can’t sleep? I thought kids were supposed to get a full night’s rest because we’re still growing or whatever?

I’m going to be trashed tomorrow…

I didn’t get to see Billy today because I was too busy getting ready to work with Stevie on this science project. I also needed to start on the art project AND the history project.

Like I said…work, work, work.

This is Brandon at work.

Wednesday

Ok, I admit it. I totally flaked on poor Billy today.

There was just no way I had time for going over to his place today. As much as I wanted to, I had to get these projects, at least, started!

Like I’ve said before, if my grades drop my Dad will kill me. He is a complete stickler for high grades and ‘excellence’ in my studies. He’s usually cool about everything else, but not my education. I remember how ‘disappointed’ he got with me in Middle School when I pulled a C in some made-up ‘life skills’ class they had. My Dad couldn’t or wouldn’t understand that the teacher in there, basically, hated all her students and, probably, her job too. She didn’t give anyone above a B in that class and that was only one or two people in ALL of the seven periods she taught! Most everyone else either got a D or a C- if not a flat out F! If you missed even one quiz it was an automatic fail! It didn’t matter if you were sick unto death and in the hospital…she’d fail you immediately. I don’t know what dirt she had on the principal, but she managed to keep her job despite all the parent complaints against her. Well, my Dad didn’t complain to her…he complained to me! To this day, it still sticks in my craw and makes me angry with him how unfair he was! The way I see it, he betrayed me in favor of my enemy and that is something my Mom’s side of the family doesn’t forgive easily. But, angry or no…I know where I stand with the grades and how unreasonably fanatical my Dad can be about them.

Anyway, I hope Billy can understand. Also…this gives me some time to, I guess, think things over about Billy and me. Things are getting more serious between us and I really need to get the courage to speak up about how I feel about him. It’s just so hard though! There are so many ‘what-ifs’ out there between us. What if he isn’t Gay and turns on me? What if my Dad finds out and disowns me? What if the school…etc. I’ve gone all over these same what-ifs before. The problem is…they simply won’t go away and they are founded on more than just my own fears. It’s a fact that my school can get pretty homophobic. It’s a fact that I don’t know Billy’s orientation for sure. I can make an educated guess, but…I’m still not sure unless he tells me flat out.

I guess the most important question is if I can make that next step and make that leap of faith. Because, that’s what this is going to take! I’m just going to have to close my eyes and…jump!

I thought about calling Billy to explain, but then got sidetracked by a call from Bobby of all people! It was a very strange conversation and one I had to cut short to go back to my History project.

The gist of it was that he wondered how I handled getting picked on if I get picked on at school. I couldn’t help him much with an answer because, truth be told, I don’t get messed with that much! I guess the rumor-mill around school has it to leave me be. Maybe, it’s my Judo training that’s involved or that I’m friends with Jamie or something else. I don’t know what it is, exactly. I just know not to look a gift horse in the mouth as they say…whoever ‘they’ are. Since being moved out of that final period gym that one time so I could get away from Jamie’s goons, I’ve not had problems.

That might be part of my fear of being exposed as Gay! If my sexuality got out, I just know I’d be hounded unmercifully by all the wrong people! I might even lose Jamie’s protection if he is really protecting me from anything.

Continuing our conversation from last week, I tried again to get Bobby to tell me if anything happened that made him ask these questions of me, but he just passed it off as ‘curiosity’. I have a feeling something keeps happening with him. He sounded pretty down again which is highly unusual for the bubbly Bobby Jinette!

In any case, that weird little chat took away the time I was saving for Billy. I had to get back to work. It was another long night.

I’m exhausted.

~~

…Ok. I have a confession to make!

I really didn’t want to go over to Billy’s today! It wasn’t just my excess of homework either…it was fear, ok? The homework was just an excuse.

I’m afraid I’ll really have to commit to my Gay identity now! I thought I was ok with it, but…I guess I’m not yet. I don’t know if I’m ready to get into a deep Gay relationship with somebody!

It’s fine to dream about these things, want for these things, even long for them. But, when they are actually within reach…that’s when you know things are about to get real!

I just know Billy is about to tell me something. Something I’ve been wanting to hear since the first day I laid eyes on him! I’m not blind…I see that look in his eyes. I must return that look! How can I not return it? I feel the same damned way!

If we really feel the same way about each other then…why is it so hard for me to, just, do this?

But, I guess, it’s just not that simple.

This fear of mine just complicates everything and I think I know the root of it - I don’t know how I’m going to tell this to my Dad! When I think of that day when I must tell him, I feel this terror just shrivel me up inside! It steals ALL my courage! It almost kills my desire for Billy!

The idea of disappointing Dad and crushing his hopes and dreams for me…that’s too much to bear! He’s lost so much…

…I’m afraid that if I come clean with him on this…he’ll lose me too.

That’s where the fear comes from!

What am I going to do about that?

Chandler tells me to trust my Dad and to give him more credit for how much he loves me, but…can that love really overcome the fact that he has a Gay son? A person that exists outside his whole belief system? A person that can never fulfill his dreams of having a whole family again with a wife for me and grandkids and all that stuff.

See? I’m crying just thinking about it!

I can’t do it to him! I just CAN’T! I love him too much.

This is Brandon frightened.