Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 49. Entry 49

Monday

I honestly don’t know why I went to school today at all.

I was so nervous about confronting Billy that I almost called in sick. I swear I woke up hyperventilating and in a cold sweat over it!

Why? Why should I feel this nervous? Billy’s opened the door and all I’ve got to do is walk on through! But, like I’ve said so many times before in a hundred different ways, I’m a stupid coward.

I definitely saw Billy today. It was only for, like, a few seconds, but I did see him. We were in the hallway getting stuff out of our lockers. He was just down the hall from me and when he saw me he lit up like a Christmas tree! He smiled a smile that melted me. Despite all I must have put him through this past week with what I did to him out on the lawn, he still could smile that ‘Billy Chase Smile’ at me.

It was a clear invitation to come and talk to him. The only thing is, I know that the next things I need to say to Billy are the things that will change my life forever! I’m on the edge of a cliff and waiting to jump off hoping that Billy will be there to catch me. I hope that, but fear that he’ll just let me go and break to pieces at the bottom of that cliff is there too.

That fear hit me hard this morning when I saw him. I felt the same panic I did when I first woke up! So, typical me, I tried to pretend I didn’t see him and quickly walked away…AGAIN! I couldn’t bear to look back. I know I must have hurt him even worse than before!

I’ve gotta get a grip! I just have to! I’ll lose him for sure if I don’t man up pretty soon! I swear I was jittery and sweating all day long knowing I had to make my choice now or never!

But, rather than commit to confronting Billy, I completely evaded him today. I even went and hid under the bleachers to have my lunch which I had brought from home. I barely touched it, though. I have absolutely no appetite. My stomach is turned into too many knots for that.

Another lost opportunity today. Another nothingburger. I don’t even know why I’m writing this down. This is just stupid!

This is Brandon the Nothingburger

Tuesday

Ok.

I should have known this would happen! Billy’s gone! He’s done with me! He may say the opposite, but it’s got to be the case. I missed the boat and maybe that’s for the best.

You see, Billy and Sam are an ‘item’ again! When did this happen? The two weren’t talking before I left for San Diego, now they’re back together close as two peas in a pod!

It’s just what I feared. Billy’s ‘love’ for me was just because I was a placeholder for the one he really wanted and that’s Sam.

So here’s how things went: I managed to get the courage up to talk to Billy today. I was going to find him at lunch and invite him to join me out on the lawn away from everybody just like he did with me that fateful Friday a week ago.

I brought my lunch (not that I was really interested in eating it) and walked out heading toward Billy’s usual table. When I looked up, I froze in my tracks!

I was expecting Billy to be alone at his table, kind of, waiting for me. Instead, I see that Sam was with him! They were smiling and talking like they’d never had a beef at all with each other. It was just like old times, I guess.

Seeing that, all my courage failed in me as did all my hopes of making things up with Billy and telling him my long hidden truth. The truth about how much I love him and always will.

Billy had moved on already! He’s taken back his best friend. His best hot blond friend who, I had to figure, was Billy’s first and truest love. I remember all the conversations I’d had with Billy with our chit-chatting and he’d often bring Sam up. When he did he’d always get this far away look that looked so very sad. So very lost. A look like he missed his bestie terribly. Missed him almost like when your heart is broken and your true love has left you behind.

I always wondered just how close those two were, but now, as I saw them today, it was obvious that they were more than friends. Especially, now that I know that Billy is Gay. How could Sam not know this? The answer is he couldn’t not know. He must have known and not only been cool with it, but possibly, great with it and is together with Billy!

Even after Sam’s vile betrayal of Billy, that bond couldn’t be permanently broken! Only LOVE can be that strong! Right?

So, it hurt terribly seeing that.

It hurt so much that I almost couldn’t breathe! It hurt because I found I could be so easily replaced! That Billy’s words weren’t the all consuming passionate confession I thought they were. It was a game to him! It was what I feared it was. Just a silly game that was meaningless! When I didn’t fall for it, he must have played it with Sam and won him over!

All of this went through my mind as I saw Sam and Billy together at, what was now, their lunch table! There was no room for me at it anymore. There was no room for me in Billy’s life at all!

That’s why it was weird when he noticed me and actually had the nerve to smile that winning smile of his at me. Unbelievable! I rolled my eyes and went off to find somewhere else to be…anywhere else.

Strangely, I merely ended up at another lunch table not to far from where Billy’s was.

I tried to ignore them, but Billy kept looking over at me with a concerned look like he was worried about why I hadn’t come to join him in his little love-fest with Sam. I glanced over at him, and then tried to look away. It was all I could do to keep from crying.

It was just deserts, I guess. I, basically, rejected Billy entirely when he said he loved me. Real or not, that took some guts to do. If Billy’s affections are that fickle then why shouldn’t he go back to the one who had been steadfast in his life for so long.

I thought about leaving the lunch room at that point. I didn’t want to have to look at Sam and Billy anymore. ‘They’re happy. Let them be. I give up,’ was basically what I was thinking.

I was just about to get up and go when I was shocked by two hands slamming themselves right in front of me. I looked up and there I was staring eye to eye with Billy who was just staring daggers at me! I thought he was going to hit me or something!

“Ok, I give up! What is it? What did I do to make you so mad at me?” Billy asked demandingly.

Mad? Was I mad? Was I mad or just hurt? I suppose, I was mad because I was hurt. Like I said, Billy had moved on. It only took him a week to replace me! I was right not to trust him. I was right to think I’d ever be foolish enough to get caught in that trap…again. After the whole thing with JOEseph, you’d think I’d know better.

So I just told Billy, “Why don't you just go back over there and eat your lunch?” I looked away from those soul melting eyes of his and felt this wave of throbbing sadness and pain run through me. I fought hard not to cry and I didn’t, but it wasn’t easy.

“No! I want you to tell me what I did! You haven't bothered to call me, you won't talk to me, you dodge me in the halls...and now you can't even eat lunch with me anymore? I mean what IS it with you?” Billy didn’t sound so much mad as…desperate. How could he really not get it? How could he say he ‘loved’ me and then just drop me for someone else instead? How could he not have agonized over what happened that Friday like I did? I was in frigging paradise and my thing with Billy completely ruined the whole trip! I’ve been wringing myself out dry with worries and insecurities about this and then Billy shows he’s not been bothered at all! He just switches me up for someone else!

I had no answers for him that I cared to voice. It would just hurt him and me more. So, I decided just to pack up and get away from him before my temper got the best of me. That’s all I needed was to blow up at Billy in a ‘lover’s tiff’ over stuff that no one else should know about!

I made the mistake of looking up into that face of his and it seemed genuinely hurt and, almost, panicked. I’m sure he thought he was just looking like he was still mad at me, but it was more than that. I didn’t quite understand that expression. What was I missing here?

“I'm glad that you're...happy...or whatever. I just don't wanna look at it, ok?” I said in a way to, kind of, get him out of my face and let him know I understood the situation. He and Sam were back together. Nothing else really mattered. Maybe he’d let me go and I could go off and cry like I needed to.

Billy’s expression changed from one of desperation to complete confusion. “Huh?” he asked. The change in his expression would have been funny if I hadn’t have been so hurt by everything.

Not knowing what else to say and feeling my emotions bubbling up hotter and hotter, I just said “Look, just forget it.” Maybe, we could just forget this whole thing ever happened and I could go back to the library and just forget I ever saw Billy Chase to begin with.

“I don't wanna forget it. I wanna know what's wrong.” He wasn’t going to leave it alone. He kept at it, pushing and pushing! That same look of desperation came back except it was more intense.

“Dude...please, just talk to me. I mean...is it because of what I said? Before you left, I mean?” Billy went there. He had finally brought up that fateful conversation we had. Yes, of course that was a big part of what this was, but this was far more about the fact that it had been something of a lie. How could Billy ‘love’ me and then grab off Sam as soon as he figured he couldn’t have me! What the hell is that?

But, then again, where did I get off being so angry about that? I rejected him. What else was Billy supposed to do? He’s obviously a lot stronger person than I am. He struck out and he moved on. He must have swallowed his hurt and gone on without me. Who better to fill that void than Sam, the closest boy to Billy’s heart!

It was my fault I lost Billy. It was my fear of coming Out and being truthful with Billy that caused all this. I have no right to be angry! I had my opportunity to be with him and I blew it big time!

So, “Look....I get it, Billy. Alright? I was being stupid. And I fucked up. I should've.....sighhh...whatever...,” I replied.

“You didn't fuck anything up? I PROMISE, you didn't fuck anything up! I just want you to talk to me! Tell me you hate me, tell me I'm sick, tell me it's weird! But don't just leave me wondering what's going on with us. Because I really wanna know, ok?” he told me earnestly.

Why was Billy fighting me so hard to understand what was so obvious? It’s like he really didn’t understand the situation when it was so clear! Did I have to spell it out for him? I don’t know! I don’t know how to handle any of this! This situation has never happened to me before! But, one thing I did know was that I couldn’t allow this conversation to go on too long! Not in the cafeteria! Not with so many prying ears around.

So, I went all calm-like and said, “I'm fine. Really. It's not important. You and Sam are...you're back together again, and that's great. Just great.”

Did I really mean that? I suppose, in a way I did. Despite it all, I very much want Billy to be happy! As mad, as hurt, or as whatever that I am, I still want nothing but the best for him. I, just, don’t want to be involved with it. It hurts too much!

But, Billy got that confused expression again and, after a seemingly shocked pause, asked, “Me and Sam? Together? What are you talking about? Dude, you have gotten me so confused right now.”

Now it was my turn to feel confused! They are together! Anyone can see that! What is so confusing about what is actually happening in front of everyone’s eyes?

“I KNOW why Sam doesn't like me, Billy. He never has. I mean, I'm not an idiot. You guys weren't talking for a while, he was gone, and I came along thinking that...whatever......it was a 'game'. Just a stupid game, and I get it. So go be happy already. I won't get in the way.” I told Billy. If this was some sort of game, I didn’t want to play anymore! I never did! I…seriously love Billy. That’s all! It’s no game to me! But, if it is for Billy then…let him go play it with Sam all he wants to. I don’t want to be part of it.

But, Billy goes on: “Brandon, you and me need to talk. Seriously. No more bullshit. I want to talk to you and find out what's going on and I just....I wanna be friends again. Like we were.”

How we were was not, I guess, what he thought we were. No, I can’t go back to ‘like we were’. He trumped that card when he confessed to me what I thought were his true feelings for me.

I never wanted to be just Billy’s ‘friend’ anyway! I settled for that to be close to him. I wanted more, but when I got more, I let it go. Like the fool I am, I just let it go!

I can’t just be friends with him. That would be impossible now.

So, “I can't.” was all I could say.

Not getting it, Billy asks, “You can't talk?”

“I can't be friends with you anymore. I'm sorry. I just can't.” I tried to clarify.

Billy’s face fell and all the blood seemed to drain out of it. I’d hurt him…again. I didn’t want to. Honest! He just wouldn’t leave it alone. I guess he couldn’t understand that no, I can’t just be friends with Billy. I guess…I never could!

“So....what? You're just....not gonna talk to me anymore? Is that it?” Billy’s voice said trembling. He was on the verge of tears! God dammit that wasn’t what I wanted!

“I don't....I don't know. Billy, I have to go.” I said, almost on the verge of tears myself.

“No you DON'T! Lunch isn't over yet!” Billy seemed like he wanted to physically keep me from going!

But, “Yeah, but I can't talk about this now. And you can't just leave it alone, so...” I said, which was true. Like I said before, too many prying ears and this conversation had gone on long enough in public.

“Well talk to me later then! Please!” Billy insisted.

“Fine. Later then.” I said as I was trying to make my escape. At that point I just wanted Billy to relent. We couldn’t talk about this here. It was too dangerous! Not with…what I needed to tell him. Sam or no Sam, I should, at least, let Billy know my feelings before we break it off for good.

But, Billy really wouldn’t back down, “When?” to which I just shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know when we’d get the chance, honestly.

But, Billy wouldn’t take that gesture as an answer, “No, I'm serious! When?”

“I don't know. Later. Just...later.” I answered still trying to make myself scarce.

“TONIGHT then! I'll call you! K? Just tell me what time.” Billy insisted again.

Looking back into those pleading eyes that will forever haunt my dreams I said “Anytime is fine.”

With that I left him.

My phone rang and rang tonight, but I didn’t answer.

I stayed in my room and cried my eyes out. I didn’t want Billy to hear that. I’d lost him to Sam.

But then, if he has Sam why would he care about having me too? Am I getting this wrong again and messing up just like I did on the lawn over a week ago?

I decided, after a while, that I’d write Chandler about all this. I left him a long email. I hope that it won’t annoy him too much and that he’ll get back to me soon.

I told him about that Friday and what went on. I didn’t say anything about Sam because I didn’t want to complicate things too much for Chandler. I really needed to know if I was messing something up and not understanding something I needed to. I really needed his guidance!

I haven’t slept all night. As I write this it’s already 2 AM in the morning.

I don’t know what to do or think. Billy seemed genuinely confused which makes me confused and unsure.

Hopefully, Chandler can put me straight.

This is Brandon needing a light in this darkness.