Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 50. Entry 50

Wednesday

“Fear is the mind-killer and it will destroy your every happiness absolutely!” Chandler’s words to me in his email. It was a lot shorter than usual, but really meaningful!

I’m under orders now to, “…march right over to Billy’s house and you tell him ‘me too’ and MEAN it this time!” That’s Chandler’s solution for me. To stop letting fear drive me and do what I should have done long ago - go over to Billy and finally accept him and myself for who we are and what we mean to each other.

Let me tell you, easier said than done!

I had my plan. I was going to take him out to the lawn and return his words of love to me. I was going to, totally, tell him that I love him and that I have loved him for a while now. All morning before lunch I couldn’t think of anything else. Don’t ask me what went on in those early classes because I haven’t got a clue. Thankfully, none of the teachers called on me for anything because I was definitely not paying any attention to them at all!

But, all well laid plans and stuff…

I went to the cafeteria today, but stayed out of sight so I could see if Billy was alone. He wasn’t, unfortunately. Sam was right there and I knew it would look very weird and suspicious if I went over and told Billy I wanted to have a word with him privately. The last thing I wanted to do was involve Sam in this because it would make him curious and, maybe, force Billy into confessing things to Sam if he hadn’t already. I couldn’t chance it.

So, I went out to that part of the lawn on which I was hoping to confess to Billy about things and had lunch alone.

I spent the rest of the day figuring out how I was going to get Billy alone long enough to talk to him and what I was going to say.

Should I just go over to his house before he shows up and wait for him? I could beat him there on my bike so that wouldn’t be a problem. But, what if Billy doesn’t come home directly after school? What if his Mom shows up before he does? What would she do if she saw this strange boy sitting on their front porch for no apparent reason? Would I just tell her I was waiting for Billy and that I was a friend of his?

But, that wouldn’t do for what I wanted to do. I had to hope no one was at home when Billy and I got together.

That said, let’s say I got there and we were alone? How was I going to say what I needed to say? Should I just tell him I love him right flat out? That’s what he did for me, so that would have only been fair.

Could I have done that? Just have said it? I didn’t know what I was going to say or do.

Academically, the whole day became a bust because I spent each afternoon class in La La Land as a total Space Cadet! I went over and over how I was going to do this! Mostly, that was to keep my mind occupied with something, anything so that I wouldn’t chicken out again. If I kept planning and plotting how exactly I was going to do this then I didn’t have to confront the fact that I was frightened out of my mind about telling Billy that I’m Gay too and that I love him very much! That said, waiting through my classes so that the day could end was a slow and painful process today. The hours seemed to stretch on forever!

Chandler was right, fear does kill the mind. It screws up all clear thinking and makes things twice as difficult. But, difficult or not, I wasn’t going to chicken out this time! Today, I was going to put an end to all this waffling! I’d made my decision and I was going to go through with it!

Fear be damned!

Finally, school was out and I just made the fastest beeline to my bike that I could. I let my mind go numb and I just hauled may ass as fast as I could. I had to get to Billy’s place before he did. I didn’t think about any more what ifs or where fors. I just went.

When I got to his place, I hardly knew I’d moved from school to his house. My mind was so focused on getting there that I don’t remember the trip at all! I might have blown through some stoplights, I don’t know.

His place looked empty. I didn’t see a car in their driveway so I figured there was a good chance that Billy’s mom wasn’t home. I went and sat on his porch and waited.

I tried to keep my mind focused on what I was going to do. Every time a doubt came into my head I had to tell it ‘no’ and push it away! It was exhausting wrestling with my own fears and insecurities like I was, but I managed to keep it together somehow.

It seemed like I was waiting hours for Billy to show up as I sat there rubbing my knees and trying to keep myself somewhat sane for when I’d finally see him. But, soon I saw his loveliness coming around the corner, sauntering along in that Billy-like sexy sway he always has in his step.

He seemed deep in thought too as it took him a few moments to look up as he was approaching his house. When he saw me there on his porch he suddenly stopped and stared with his mouth slightly open in surprise.

When he finally found his voice he said, “I tried to call you last night.”

I instantly felt guilty about not answering his calls last night. It was too bad that his first words to me today had to call me out for being so lame. I really didn’t want this to be a confrontation.

“I know. I did't wanna talk.” came out of my stupid mouth, of course. I can’t ever seem to say things right to Billy when I’m nervous.

“You could have picked up the phone and told me you didn't wanna talk,” Billy countered.

“That would have involved 'talking'.” I said and instantly wished I could have taken that back. This was starting to sound like the beginnings of an argument which was the LAST thing I wanted!

Knowing that I was fucking things up again, I decided to change the subject so I could get to what I needed to say to Billy before I lost all my nerve, “Can I....come in, or something?”

So, Billy let me inside. Everything seemed quiet and deserted so I was betting that his Mom or Dad weren’t home or anything. We went into his room and, feeling my knees getting weak, I immediately sat on his bed. I should have waited for Billy to invite me to do so, but it was either that or fall on the floor.

‘This is it! This is the moment of truth!’ I thought to myself and this rush of terror just rose up into my chest that felt like an ice bath on the inside! It was such a strong wave of emotion that I felt like I might pass out from it. It made me squirm where I was sitting and I had gone back to rubbing my thighs and knees with nerves!

‘Was I really going to do this? He is standing right there and he’s already told me he loves me! This should be the easiest thing in the world!’ I thought as I started to let the fear take me over again.

‘I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer!’ Chandler’s words came back to me like the echoing voice of God in my mind.

I heard Billy say something. Something about a drink or whatever. It didn’t register.

The only thing that registered was what I was doing there and why I was doing it.

It was time!

“I do too...” squeezed out of me past the icy claws grabbing at my chest. I managed to glance up at Billy and saw the look of confusion there. He wasn’t getting it. But, then again, what reasonable person would! ‘I do too?’ What the hell was that supposed to mean?

“I mean...no...no drink. But I...I do too.” I tried to make myself more clear, but realized I wasn’t. I became very frustrated with myself! Why couldn’t I just SAY it! I LOVE YOU, BILLY! With all my heart, I love you! I have since the first day I saw you!

Why wouldn’t that come out instead of a stupid ‘I do too’?

Naturally, Billy asked the question, “You ‘do too’ what?”

Grrrrr! I got up, paced a couple of times and, mindlessly, closed Billy’s door, I guess, out of a need for extra security.

“There's nobody home.” Billy said, still rightly confused by me and my strange behavior.

“Yeah…I know. It…doesn’t matter.” I muttered as I paced around trying not to become too unhinged by what I was doing!

‘Why was this so hard?’ I kept thinking!

I then thought maybe explaining myself would help me make Billy understand what I was trying to tell him. “I should have said something that day. I didn't want to be wrong, and I didn't know what to say, then I DID know what to say, but I couldn't say it. I mean....ugh! Can you give me a minute?”

That wasn’t working so I did need that minute to try and collect myself.

The thought then came to me that one of the things that was bothering me Billy might be able to help me with. Was he together with anyone else? I mean, together together in that way that I want to be together with him. Were there others? Was I too late? Was I putting myself through all this for nothing? Maybe, it was already too late and Billy’d moved on. He had said before that he and Sam weren’t together, but…I had to be double-sure.

I also needed to be completely certain that he really meant what he said to me out on that lawn. Did he really love me? Was it true? Could he tell me again? If he could, then the biggest doubt in my stupid head could be put to rest for good.

“Billy...before I do this, I have to ask you...did you mean what you said?” I asked.

“When?” Billy asked and that didn’t make me feel good about the situation at all! Had he forgotten it already?

But, I pushed forward and tried to clear up what I was asking, “The day I left for my cousin's wedding. Did you mean it?”

Billy seemed to brighten. His face looked like what I was asking was finally dawning on him!

“YES!!! Yes, I meant every single word of it!” Billy actually shouted! That made me cringe a bit because…honestly, why so loud?

My biggest question answered I built up the emotional energy to say it again.

“Brandon?” Billy asked me as I paused.

“Good. I....I do too.” I said it again and this time, hopefully, it would mean something!

But, Billy wasn’t going to let me get off that easy. Again he asked me, “You ‘do too’ what?”

“Don't make me say it, ok? I haven't gotten that far yet.” I squirmed. I guess I couldn’t just ‘say’ it. This was a big step for me. It was taking all of my strength just to get this far with my confession to Billy.

Billy saw I was struggling with it and tried to reassure me, “Brandon...since the first day I saw you, I've been trying to get as close to you as I possibly could. I didn't even know why at the time, but...I haven't stopped thinking about you since. I'm sorry if it's weird that I wanna tell you this, but I love you. Ok? I really do.”

Hearing these words, I felt most of the iciness in my heart melt away. It was a relief so great that it almost ached inside. The question about how Billy really felt for me had been asked and answered. He wouldn’t have said it again if it wasn’t true, right? Billy does love me!

But, what about the other question, “You mean...you're not with somebody else? I mean...I'll understand if you're with somebody else...”

“I'm not with ANYBODY else! No way!” Billy said with a smile shining brighter than the sun!

“Not Sam, or Joanna, or Jimmy, or anybody?” I wanted that certainty! Was it true? He did love me and no one else could claim him, right? Billy could be mine with no reservations?

“NOBODY! I SWEAR!!!” Billy nearly shouted again.

“Oh...ok...” I said and then took a big gulp of air to steel myself for what I was about to say next.

“So...do yo wanna be my...boyfriend....or something...maybe?” It, sort of, just came out like that. I hadn’t said the ‘L’ word like I should have, but I made my intentions clear. I wanted Billy! I wanted him completely! It seemed all of my life had been coming to this moment! I wanted him to be my boyfriend and I wanted to love him for always.

“YES!!!!! FOREVER AND EVER!!!!” Billy actually screamed!

Again, I cringed. Did the whole neighborhood have to know? I wasn’t even close to wanting that yet!

Despite the scream, I felt the incredible weight lift off of my shoulders completely and those icy claws that had been grabbing at my heart melted away into this incredibly warm feeling spreading through my chest. But, at the same time I suddenly felt so very tired and I felt like I’d done all could today to make things right with Billy. This had been a long marathon and I felt very drained!

“Um..ok. Cool. Well, that was all I wanted to ask you. I'll...I'll see you tomorrow.” I felt like I needed to leave and process just everything that had gone on this afternoon. So, I grabbed my things and started heading for the door before I said or did anything else that could ruin things.

But, “BRANDON, WAIT!!!” Billy called to me desperately.

“But, I…” I started to say but then found Billy leaning in to kiss me. He put his hands around my neck and pulled me in and, for the first time, I felt the succulent cushioned heaven that is Billy’s lips!

I felt my head spin! We were actually kissing! I was kissing Billy Chase! My BOYFRIEND! I suddenly felt weightless as our kiss deepened. I felt like a man in the desert drinking water for the first time in days! This is what I was afraid of? This is what I was trying to avoid all this time? How could I have been soooo stupid and silly?

It was the easiest thing in the world loving Billy and being loved by him!

Our lips were meant to be together and finally, after all this time, I felt complete!

This is Brandon, Billy Chase’s boyfriend!