Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 48. Entry 48

Sunday

Well, that plan didn’t work out.

Billy never called. I looked for messages and waited all evening for a call, but none came. I thought about calling him, but my heart felt too much like lead after my visit with Stevie. I couldn’t get the courage up to do it. I doubt Billy wants to even hear from me now. After what I pulled on the lawn the week before last, why would he? I broke his heart. I’m sure I’m the last person he would want to hear from.

So, understanding that, why would he call me if he doesn’t want to hear from me?

All around it wasn’t a great day anyway. I went to Church and the whole homily was about how immoral people won’t get a crack at Heaven. He went into how St. Paul, basically, called out Gays as being part of the ‘wicked’ so they haven’t got a hope of eternal salvation. I was about over worrying about the religious stuff in my life, but that sermon just hit me hard and in all the wrong ways. Now, I’m questioning again what I’m feeling and what I’m doing. If I am Gay and that means I’m ‘wicked’ then when I die does that mean I have to go to Hell? According to St. Paul…uh…yeah. Yeah, it kinda does! I wonder if Buddhists feel like that?

Then, at breakfast, I choked on a piece of bacon because I couldn’t even eat straight. Fortunately, I coughed it up before anyone had to grab me from behind and do that Heimlich (had to look the spelling up) maneuver thingie. I swear I’m more nervous than a whore in Church! I sort of felt like one today!

My visit with Stevie was not great either.

After breakfast, I called him up and his Mom answered. I asked her if I could come visit and she was, almost, too enthusiastic about my doing just that. Apparently, Stevie hasn’t come out of his room for days now. I was afraid of this. According to his Mom, he’s been doing school from home with assignments and things. He refuses to go to school and the Principal, under the circumstances, can’t force him since Stevie is in actual physical danger at school! It looks like Karl and Jason didn’t leave things alone! Stevie’s arm is in a sling! I guess, the Principal sent Stevie home for his own safety rather than expel Karl and Jason like they so richly deserve!

In any case, it was a no brainer. I told my Dad that Stevie needs me today and explained the mess to him. It made him mad too how that school was handling things and said that if these two assholes started shit up with me that I tell him and my Dad would get the fucking Superintendent involved! I’m sure the Principal would just luuuv that! I didn’t know my Dad had that kind of pull. I wonder if he does or not? The school system around here doesn’t seem to listen to parental concerns very much. They sure aren’t doing their part if they’re sending Stevie home rather than Karl and Jason! Something stinks, man! I’m just a kid and even I can smell it!

So, I made a beeline to Stevie’s. His Mom answered and was all smiles and urged me in like I was a paramedic coming to save grandpa from a heart attack! She called out to Stevie that a friend had come to visit and he, sort of, gave a lack-luster ‘Ok, Mom’ response. He sounded pretty down and when I didn’t hear the pitter-patter of Stevie-feet coming out to greet me, his Mom silently nudged me to go to him.

I went to his door and knocked.

“Who is it?” I heard a choked up voice that sounded like he had been crying.

“It’s me, Brandon! Can I come in?” I asked.

“…you’re back?” Stevie is famous for asking questions with an obvious answer.

“Yeah! I came over to see how you were doing.” I tried to tease him out of whatever hole he was in. He didn’t seem to want company, but his Mom obviously thought he needed otherwise.

“Uh…I-I’m ok…I guess.” Stevie didn’t sound like he had even gotten up to get the door to his bedroom.

“I’m not convinced! Come on, Stevie! Open up! Let’s talk or whatever.” I insisted.

After a pause that got me to roll my eyes, I finally heard shuffling from behind the door and then he opened it. I saw a mop of very messed up black hair covering two red-ringed blue eyes that were bloodshot. He was wearing a blue sling that he had on his right arm and he still had the black eye, but with a new bruise to his jaw.

“Those son’s of bitches!” I blurted out! I didn’t even notice his Mom standing just down the hall when I said it. I looked over and whispered I was sorry for cussing. Her response was unexpectedly funny: “No problem! You’re just tellin’ it like it is, Honey!” She said with a lop-sided grin.

My response didn’t get as enthusiastic a response from Stevie. He was just looking at his feet and seemed ashamed somehow. He, sort of, shuffled backwards, I guess, as an invitation to let me in.

I came in. His room was a mess and he had used Kleenexes all over the floor near his trashcan. Apparently, Stevie’s no good at trashcan basketball. There was also a kind of a funky smell in his room that was like body oder. I don’t think Stevie had been showering very much either.

“…thanks for stopping by. I’m sorry my room’s a mess. I just…just haven’t gotten around to cleaning up.” Stevie said in a monotone while he carefully eased himself back into his bed. It looked like he’d been there for days now!

“No worries, Stevie! My room isn’t the cover of Home and Garden either.” I said while I gently sat on the bed next to him.

He chuckled a bit and then bit it back like he was trying not to laugh.

“They must have gotten after you again, huh?” I know that Stevie isn’t much for small talk so I just went there. If he wanted to talk about it, I was all ears. If not, I’d understand.

“Yeah…” Stevie said with a quiet sadness I’d never seen in him before.

“You want to talk about it?” I encouraged.

“…Not much to say really. They jumped me as I was walking home. They made sure they were off of the school grounds before they did it. That way, technically, the school couldn’t do anything about it. I was…alone…so I made an easy target, I guess.” I don’t think Stevie said it to accuse me of anything, but I think he did mean to say that I was sorely missed. Either way, I felt guilt wash over me like an ice cold splash of water.

“I tried to fight them off, but…they’re just too big for me. I…couldn’t stop them.” Stevie hung his head and sniffed a couple of times. This had really hit him in the spot it hurts the most…his pride and sense of self-confidence. But then, how could a fourteen year old boy hold his own against two very large practically full-grown men? If this world had any justice…if karma was real…those two fuckers would get it from a motorcycle gang or something! Maybe they could find themselves in South Chicago where there are some really mean guys that would just love to take a chunk out of two lunkheaded jocks!

“It’s ok, dude. I don’t think most guys in school would have been able to take on those two without some kind of equalizer. I’m thinking baseball bat or tire iron…” I tried to keep it light to buoy up Stevie’s sprits a little.

“…or a gun.” Stevie said in a low voice that didn’t have any humor in it at all!

“Let’s not go there just yet!” I tried to make it like he was joking, but I’m afraid he might not have been.

“Why not? How else are we supposed to defend ourselves against people like that? They’ll kill me one of these days…better that I should get them first.” Stevie said darkly.

I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t here to argue the point. Naturally, Stevie would be very angry at this situation and even want revenge, but I don’t think he’d have it in him to actually bring a gun to school and kill two people! I thought it better to let him vent. That’s what I was there for…to be an ear for him.

“So, what happened with the arm?” I changed the subject.

“Jason yanked me up off the ground after Karl had knocked me down doing this to me.” Stevie pointed to the bruise on his jaw. I’m very glad they didn’t break his jaw with that kind of punch!

“When he jerked me up, something popped in my shoulder and it got me to yelling. It just hurt too damned bad. After that, they ran off because they knew they’d gone too far and I was making too much noise.” Stevie explained dejectedly.

“Jesus! How did you get home?” I was genuinely shocked that Jason and Karl would be that damned violent! I don’t know why I should be surprised, but I was all the same! To dislocate another person’s arm? Those two NEED to be taken down! They’re completely out of control!

“I walked. It hurt, but I got home. Fortunately, my Mom was home so she was able to take me to the ER where (ouch) they managed to pop my shoulder back into place.” My teeth were grinding in anger at that and yet another part of me had to admire Stevie! He managed to get home, without any help and with a dislocated shoulder, all by himself!

“So, the school let you stay home, huh?” I wondered.

“Yeah. That’s my Mom. She threatened a lawsuit if they didn’t let me homeschool while I heal. My Mom knows people so she’s good on her word and I think that idiot Principal knows this.” Stevie said with a bit more lightness. His Mom is quite amazing, actually. I’ve always liked her.

“Well, I’m really sorry I wasn’t around to, I guess, walk you home like I’ve been doing.” I felt the need to apologize. I’m sure if I’d been there those two would have backed off. They know I know stuff about martial arts and I don’t think they want someone that can put up the kind of resistance I can. I hope they never get the idea that, no matter how good I may or may not be with my self-defense training, they can still overpower me with sheer mass and the two of them double-teaming me.

“Brandon, you don’t need to apologize for anything! You’re…amazing! I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. Besides, I’ve got to learn how to take care of myself. If this is what it takes to do that then it is what it is.” Stevie said, looking me straight in the eyes this time. There was something in the way he said that I was ‘amazing’ that sent an unexpected wiggle down my spine. A good wiggle. A…Billy kind of wiggle!

We sat quietly for a couple of minutes while I watched Stevie pick at the lint balls on his blanket.

“I-if I tell you something, Brandon. Would you promise to keep it a secret?” Stevie asked in a voice so low I could hardly hear it even in the quiet room.

“Absolutely!” I said it and I meant it.

At that Stevie looked up and flashed me that winning smile of his and said “That’s what I mean about you…you’re amazing!” I felt myself blush despite myself.

He was quiet again for a minute and picked at his blanket some more. He then cocked his head and sighed a very deep sigh.

“You know what Karl and Jason keep saying? About me being a fag and everything?” he asked.

“Yeah. I know they call you that and I think it’s disgusting!” I replied honestly. Naturally, I hate that ‘f’ word. I’ve always hated it and I hate it especially now when I’m coming to accept the truth about myself.

“Um…I hope you’re not too disgusted by it?” Stevie peeked at me through his fringy black bangs.

“I’m disgusted by people who say things like that like an insult. Not about being Gay!” I answered honestly, but I had a feeling I was in for something rather big here and I was right.

“That’s good because I am one.” Stevie’s eyes went back to his blanket and I could see him tremble a bit.

It took a few seconds for what he said to register. That silence, I’m sure, must have been torture for poor Stevie and I certainly didn’t want to cause him any more pain than he was already going through.

“Is…that a problem for you?” Stevie asked in a low voice that was trembling.

“…not at all! I’m…honored that you told me! Oh my gosh!” I meant it, too! Stevie had the courage to do what I don’t have yet. He…just came Out to me!

“‘Honored?’ See what I mean? You’re just…fucking AMAZING, Brandon! I mean that…I mean that a lot!” Stevie looked at me with tears in his eyes. Then, out of nowhere, he reached out and hugged me with his one good arm. I hugged his slight, skinny, Emo frame back and felt like I was going to cry too!

Amazing? Me?

No! STEVIE is amazing! He has more courage in his little finger than I have in my whole body!

Stevie came Out to me! He trusted me that much!

I’m still stunned!

Now, I should totally honor Stevie’s example. I need to come Out to Billy! I need to tell him how I feel! I need to step up to the plate here! If Stevie can do it without knowing how I’d react, then I can certainly do it knowing that Billy is Gay and that he actually loves me!

This is the Brandon, friend to the Amazing Stevie Mitchell!