Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 43. Entry 43

Saturday

The flight was a long one. We had to stop in Denver to switch planes and it was freezing there.

Just as well. The freezing temperatures echoed that cold feeling in my heart that I was left with after walking out on Billy.

There’s like this ice cold hole in my chest where my heart used to be! I’ve managed to break my own heart as well, I guess, as I have Billy’s. It’s so cold it hurts! It aches like I can’t breathe! I’ve lost him! No…I didn’t lose him. I let him go! Fool that I am, he told me he loved me and then I just ran away! I let fear drive me away! I let it get the better of me!

I’m such a coward!

Maybe, it’s all for the best. Billy doesn’t need a frightened rabbit as a boyfriend, freaking out at every shadow he sees. Billy deserves so much better than me. I know why I love him…but, I really can’t understand why he should love me at all.

I guess things were fine when I could love him in secret and from a distance, but when he really returned that love…I couldn’t believe him! Why would he do that? Why would he take such a chance on someone as useless as I am?

I’m not worthy of Billy. I never was!

Doesn’t he know what a basket case I am? I haven’t been whole since my Mama died. I’m completely ruined inside! I hide it. I keep a brave face for my Dad, but her death took something away from me! A trust, I guess. A trust that everything would be alright. That, in the end, I’d be OK. That, no matter what, things would work out.

I just can’t believe in happy endings! They aren’t real. In the end…everyone you love goes away. You just can’t trust that things will last because, in this world, they don’t.

Billy’s love…I can’t accept it! It can’t be real to me! Even if he does feel something for me, will it last a month? A week? A day? I don’t know and I can’t trust it will last very long at all.

Besides, he has so many other boys in his life that obviously want him! Jimmy LaPlane! Bobby Jinette! Even Sam. Sam, who’s been with him since they were little! Why would Billy come after me when he has all these other guys that would do anything just to get his attention? Once more, I’m sure there are others that I don’t know that would command his attention. Guys that must be a lot more whole and deserving than me, that’s for sure!

Billy is like the sun! He attracts people like the sun attracts planets! He has the greatest attractive gravity I’ve ever felt from someone! It would be no wonder why I’d fall into his orbit. But, why, out of all the others, would he choose me to orbit in turn?

I can’t believe it!

Anyway, this battle has been waging inside my head since I left Billy on that lawn at school. My Dad even noticed I was being unusually quiet during our flight. He kept asking me if I was OK and if I was nervous because of flying. I just kept telling him that I was OK and just thinking about Ashley and what San Diego was going to be like and other lies.

Of course, I’d have to lie to my own father. What was I gonna say? ‘Oh, I’m bummed because a boy at school told me he loved me and I love him too, but I walked away because I’m a frigging chicken’?

Nope…not gonna happen and yet that makes me a lier to my own Dad. Something I’d never been before. Another reason why I’ve become a worthless human being.

So, for most of the flight I kept my ear buds in and tried to use music to tune out my own thoughts and feelings and to avoid too many questions from my Dad. Unfortunately, a lot of songs I love I do because they remind me of Billy, the very person who I was trying to forget on this trip. So, if anything, the music made me even more depressed.

The landing at San Diego’s airport did give me a bit of a distraction, though. A, kind of, unpleasant distraction, actually. It seems that when you land in San Diego you have to fly through their Downtown area. This means you have skyscrapers whizzing by on both sides of you as you are coming in! One false move and BAM, we could fly right into one! That freaked me out a bit. That’s a given since I’m such a coward anyway.

But, we landed just fine. It was early in the morning so it was still dark. We caught a ride to the hotel we were going to be staying. The room we got was really nice with two queen beds and a view of the bay. Even in the dark that bay is beautiful to see. I managed to forget my heartache enough to wonder what that view was going to be like in the morning, but just for a moment or two.

We slept in until about ten in the morning. When I woke up, I looked out of the picture window and I was right…San Diego Bay is glorious during the day! I’m used to seeing the water off of the lake shore in Chicago and in other places I’ve been, but San Diego Bay is a spectacle that I was not quite ready for. It gave me a ‘whoa’ moment and I got up to stare for a little while as my Dad got up. Apparently, he’s used to the view as he’s been to San Diego a lot of times on business.

Unfortunately, a stray thought came into my mind almost like my brain wouldn’t let me have a moment’s peace for what I did to Billy. I thought, ‘I wish Billy could see this’! It was a random thought that suddenly brought all that sadness and despair crashing down on me all at once. It left me shocked and a little breathless for a moment, honestly. I knew then that I wasn’t going to be able to enjoy much of anything on this trip. I’ve lost too much for that.

So, for breakfast my Dad took me to a nice place in what they call the ‘Gaslamp Quarter’ for some strange reason. I mean, there wasn’t a ‘Gaslamp’ anywhere to be seen! After that we had to get ready for the wedding.

The wedding was beautiful, I guess. They’d had the ceremony in a park overlooking a place they call La Jolla Cove. They did the marriage vows at sunset and the view didn’t disappoint. The sunset put on a show for Ashley and Beau (her husband’s name). It was very romantic and Ashley looked lovely in her wedding dress and Beau is HOT, by the way!

The whole romance of it, of course, made my heart ache worse. You see, I think I’ve lost the love of my life so I knew as I was watching their marriage that I’d never have anything like this in my life ever. That thought brought tears to my eyes that the lady next to me thought was about Ashley and Beau’s nuptials. I let her think what she wanted to think. No one can know why I really cry.

Well, my fingers are getting tired and I have to go to the wedding reception anyway. I couldn’t bring my computer on this trip, obviously, so I’ve been writing all this down by hand in a notebook. That’s risky since I have to do it in plain sight of my Dad, but he didn’t ask me anything about it. I guess he figured I was just doing catch-up homework for school. I don’t know what I’d do if he actually took and read what I’m writing here! But, fear can only go so far. I have come to need to write this stuff down somewhere. It’s one of my only outlets for letting my truth be known…at least to myself and you, Nameless Hacker. I’ll probably transfer some of this to my computer when I get home so you can read this if you care.

There’s another problem with writing with pen and paper rather than with a computer…when you cry the tears smudge the ink.

This is Brandon…writing in his own tears. I hope my Dad doesn’t notice…