Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 41. Entry 41

Thursday

The more I think about it, the more I’m afraid.

Stevie’s example, yesterday, had done its damage. It was obvious Jason and Karl went after Stevie because he looked ‘gay’. The things they said, as they were working him over, were clearly homophobic!

With THAT kind of hatred roaming around school, how can I responsibly commit to any kind of gay relationship without risk of being Outed? The risk is real! These guys are out of control!

How could I possibly put myself, much less Billy, through what they’re doing to Stevie?

Look what they did to Jimmy LaPlane? He tried to commit suicide, for Christ’s sake!

What’s more, Jason and Karl are just the tip of the iceberg as far as the homophobia at school is concerned! There are others, not as privileged, but just as motivated, that wait in the wings to attack us!

Just a month ago, there was that guy that Billy punched out because of the homophobic harassment going on in his gym class! Where do people get off thinking that it’s open season on gay people? Worse, why does the school administration let people get away with it?

It’s just DANGEROUS to be gay at our high school! We have NO protection whatsoever!

I don’t know if I could take the stress of trying to keep a relationship between Billy and me secret either. Between hiding and lying about it to my Dad and keeping the kids from school from learning about it, I don’t know if I could do it.

I HATE thinking about this stuff!

It’s becoming clearer to me that Billy is trying to say something about how he feels about me. That makes me happy beyond words, but it’s also making me confront the reality of how we could possibly make something like a relationship work with all the obstacles there’d be in our way.

This reared its head today in a very direct way.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t really in a good mood for Billy today. With all this Stevie business going on and me questioning everything that I feel about Billy because of this business, I really didn’t want to talk to Billy today.

I wish that it could have been like our usual lunchtimes with the giggles and gumdrops and stuff. But, I just couldn’t do that cotton-candyness today. Things had gotten too real for ‘fun’! Stevie getting beaten up and all had just put things into a dark perspective for me.

It didn’t help any with what Billy said to me either.

“What’s going on? You seem to be, kind of, out of it today.” Billy said.

“Things are just not the way they're supposed to be. That's all.” I didn’t want to just put it right out there, of course. At the time, I still didn’t want to give Billy any idea that I actually love him and have loved him since I first saw him. I didn’t know stuff…like I know now.

“Why not?” he was obviously confused by my answer. How could he not be. I was being evasive as possible!

“Because...I just get sick of being afraid of everything. I'm sick of not knowing what to do about...stuff.” That was as close to the truth as I dared come. I wasn’t going to burden Billy about the whole Stevie thing and because of the Stevie thing I didn’t want to, just, come out and talk about all my ‘stuff’. There was a pressure in me to do just that! Some kind of reckless abandon that made me, just, come right out and tell Billy. To get the Band-Aid off! To end this…torture.

Surprisingly, and this is where Billy was nearing a confession to me, he said: “I know what you mean. Sometimes I get scared of 'stuff' too. So..” Our eyes connected and in my heart I begged for Billy to do what I couldn’t! To say the words so I didn’t have to take the responsibility to do it! If he said the words…the three little words that mean so much…then I’d have no choice but to brave all the fear and trouble that those words would bring.

I’d have to ‘man up’ and deal with it, because I wouldn’t be able to hold back then! I’d…well…

Then…he, kind of, DID say it!

“I like you a lot...Brandon.” he said as he looked away from me and started spinning his soda can around.

“..And I think about you...like...everyday. And sometimes...I feel like...,” he said as his voice got lower and lower.

“I feel like...I like you...more than a lot.” almost as a whisper.

Inside, my heart leapt. This time there was no mistaking that he said what he said! He said he liked me ‘MORE than a lot’!

But, then I saw him coming into the lunch room: Stevie.

His head was down and his feet were shuffling inside untied shoes. He didn’t even care enough to tie his damned shoes! He peaked over his shoulder from time to time obviously waiting for Jason and Karl to appear behind him and stab him in the back for daring to talk back to them yesterday.

So, I felt something inside me just clam up! I…didn’t know how to respond to what Billy had just said to me anyway, but seeing Stevie standing there with his black eye just pushed the wrong button in me.

For the rest of the lunch period, me and Billy just sat at the table in silence. I tried not to catch his eye and avoided his uncomfortable glances. Fear of getting caught spilling my guts to Billy filled me up to overflowing! I was afraid I’d explode with all the love and want that I have for him. I’d not be able to control myself! But, the cafeteria wasn’t the place for that today.

Enemies are lurking everywhere! Stevie is testament to this!

What’s more…like I’ve said before, this is real now! Billy said, in a few powerful words, that he liked me ‘more than a lot’. It was pretty clear what he was trying to say and so a big question has, at last, been answered!

I’m sure, now, that Billy LIKES me in THAT way! I don’t have to guess or hope or wonder anymore! I know it now. Without a doubt!

This means it’s time to make the choice: do I admit to my Dad, my Church, my friends, and especially myself that I really am gay and now have the opportunity to live that life with the actual boyfriend of my dreams? Do I let my righteous fear of ‘giving in’ to something possibly immoral and dangerous guide me into letting go of this opportunity? I can’t answer either question yet!

Chandler would say the time has come and it’s time to start living my ‘authentic life’. But, I’m still so confused and conflicted about what that is! WHAT IS my authentic life? My Church and my Dad would tell me that this is just a temptation and that to live an authentically moral life I’d need to resist this temptation! Pray about it! Chandler would say that I need to follow my heart and that only then can I live my life to its fullest authentically! So, go live my life!

I just can’t decide yet, but I HAVE to decide something! Billy is waiting for me to answer him now! He’s met me half-way! What I’ve secretly wanted all this time has finally come to pass!

Billy has made the first move! He’s had the courage to reach out to me, to take his hand, and to…love him!

What do I do?

This is Brandon trying to be authentic.